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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Whensfriday
member
Why is the no kid policy offensive?
I posted earlier about FIs relative being so offended about her daughter not being able to bring her 3 y.o. Son to the wedding, so much so that she rsvp'ed yes but has told people she wont show up. I don't have kids, so its hard for me to understand why this is so offensive to people. Weddings are a really personal thing for the bride and groom, and should, for the most part, be respected.
It just seems to me, that if you can't make it, send your regrets and move on. If you're close enough to the bride and groom to feel like you are entitled to bring your kid, you should be close enough to them to care about their feelings/wishes.
Just a rant... But also, your thoughts?
It just seems to me, that if you can't make it, send your regrets and move on. If you're close enough to the bride and groom to feel like you are entitled to bring your kid, you should be close enough to them to care about their feelings/wishes.
Just a rant... But also, your thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Why is the no kid policy offensive?
[QUOTE]I posted earlier about FIs relative being so offended about her daughter not being able to bring her 3 y.o. Son to the wedding, so much so that she rsvp'ed yes but has told people she wont show up. I don't have kids, so its hard for me to understand why this is so offensive to people. Weddings are a really personal thing for the bride and groom, and should, for the most part, be respected. It just seems to me, that if you can't make it, send your regrets and move on. If you're close enough to the bride and groom to feel like you are entitled to bring your kid, you should be close enough to them to care about their feelings/wishes. Just a rant... But also, your thoughts?
Posted by Whensfriday[/QUOTE]
My thought is, why did this need a second post? You got responses in your other thread.
To answer your question, though, people are entitled and think that their little darlings should be invited to everything along with them.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
A lot of people think babysitters kill children for sport.
A lot of people are stupid.
I'm sorry your fiance's relative is so upset about this. The problem is really hers and hers alone.
Have you read STFU Parents? It's enlightening. A somewhat scary.
It's not that it's offensive, it's just that kids make everything incredibly complicated and difficult for their parents (but they're worth it!). They have to be planned for in advance, especially if the parent doesn't have options for leaving the child behind in someone else's care. So if she can't bring the child, she has no option but to not go. And that is understandibly disappointing.
Then there's always the parental reaction of "what's wrong with my child that you don't want them there? Arn't they family too?"
I kind of wanted a child free wedding too, but decided against it because it was too much potential melodrama and emotional backlash.
My mother always told us that she thought it was rude to exclude children from a wedding becuase it "splits up the social unit" for those with a family. She felt that excluding children for a family centric event, was counter intuitive.
Personally, I tend to agree about the family centric part, which is why we invited children to our wedding. Granted, our nieces and nephews are uncommonly well-behaved. If that were not the case, we might be taking a different stance. All of our family members are bringing their children. Most of our friends are leaving them home and enjoying a date night.
It's funny how commonly received etiquitte on this particular issue seems to have evolved over time. I think that child-free weddings are much more accepted now-a-days. At least that is my perspective. That the older generations consider child-free weddings rude, while younger generations do not.
BFP#1 EDD 9/19/13, M/C at 9wk6dy
Obviously, I don't say that aloud, but I think it every. single. time.
If we had picked a different venue, we might have invited them, but it's just too risky. I'm not so much worried about them damaging something (which insurance would cover) as getting hurt. Also, we'll be right on Lake Michigan, and the patio doesn't have a barrier. I'd be worried about a kid drowning, and I know I'd spend most of the reception trying to keep my eye on them. It's simply safer not to invite them.
It was definitely more irritating when my aunt showed up to my shower with her six-year-old granddaughter in tow, after being told that it was an "adults only" shower. My cousins had been told that it was no-kids, so they were pissed that they had found sitters and that my aunt had just ignored the request. Ah well. Nothing you can really do about it if it happens. Just know that the ones who disregard your wishes and bring their kids look like jerks, not you.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
It is up to brides and grooms to decide what, if any children are invited, but it is also up to parents to accept or decline invitations that don't have their childrens' names listed.
For me, though, my family is scattered across the east coast, and planning family reunions or birthday parties just to get the whole family together takes a LOT of work. 90% of the people for my side of the guest list is family. And that includes all aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids. My take is that if I'm going to invite my family, I'm going to invite ALL of them because I don't know when I will get to see them again.
Just like, if I wanted a big backyard BBQ with all our family and yard games, I might invite the kids. If I wanted to host a swanky dinner party/wine tasting (not that I've ever even done this ha!), I would probably only invite the adults. People just need to not be so offended when their kids aren't invited everywhere (and some parents aren't; I'm not generalizing). I love dogs but know I can't bring my dog everywhere I go. While my house is dog-friendly and I'm fine with it, others aren't. I don't get up in arms about that. Not a human, so I know it's a little different, but same sentiment.
And also, STFU Parents is wonderful.
[QUOTE]I'll chime in with the other perspective. <strong>My Mom had kids young, so when her cousins were getting married, she was already saddled with three of us. My mother couldn't alwyas afford a babysitter, so she declined the invitations to these weddings.</strong> <strong>My mother always told us that she thought it was rude to exclude children from a wedding becuase it "splits up the social unit" for those with a family. She felt that excluding children for a family centric event, was counter intuitive.</strong> Personally, I tend to agree about the family centric part, which is why we invited children to our wedding. Granted, our nieces and nephews are uncommonly well-behaved. If that were not the case, we might be taking a different stance. All of our family members are bringing their children. Most of our friends are leaving them home and enjoying a date night. <strong>It's funny how commonly received etiquitte on this particular issue seems to have evolved over time.</strong> I think that child-free weddings are much more accepted now-a-days. At least that is my perspective. That the older generations consider child-free weddings rude, while younger generations do not.
Posted by Kimbac13[/QUOTE]
1) It was your mother's choice to have kids young. She takes the consequences of that just like any other young mother.
2) A social unit does not include kids. It's the couple. That's what's rude to split up.
3) Weddings are not always "family centric". They're not family reunions. They about celebrating the love of two people, not a whole family.
4) Having a kid free wedding isn't about etiquette. The etiquette takes place in HOW you go about letting guests know they're kids are not invited.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is the no kid policy offensive? : 1) It was your mother's choice to have kids young. She takes the consequences of that just like any other young mother. 2) A social unit does not include kids. It's the couple. That's what's rude to split up. 3) Weddings are not always "family centric". They're not family reunions. They about celebrating the love of two people, not a whole family. 4) Having a kid free wedding isn't about etiquette. The etiquette takes place in HOW you go about letting guests know they're kids are not invited.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
1.) Understood. Just explaining the sentiment. I think she would accept said consequences any day since we are such awesome kids. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
2.) Actually, a social unit is technically defined as: a person or a group of persons, as a family, functioning as a unit in society.
3.) I completely agree with this. As PP said, there are some venues that are just completely inappropriate for children. Some of these are wedding venues. I dont disagree with this at all.
4.) Ah, here I thought etiquete was about making one's guests feel comfortable.
I am not against kid-free weddings, contrary to how my post might read. I love kids and all, but I completely understand that they are unpredictable. The best parents in the world can have really rambunctious kids (especially when said kids are made to wear uncomfortable clothes, sit quietly for a ceremony, and then tossed into a social sitation with a hundred strangers and loud music...and then given cake!!). Persoanlly, I cant imagine a parent wanting to deal with that at a wedding.
Some parents, however ,would prefer it. Much like some single folks would prefer to bring a guest. I am not saying that kids (or guests for singles) should be required according to etiquette, just speculating how some parents might feel. Which was the question asked in the title of the OP, more or less.
BFP#1 EDD 9/19/13, M/C at 9wk6dy
[QUOTE] 4) Having a kid free wedding isn't about etiquette. The etiquette takes place in HOW you go about letting guests know they're kids are not invited.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
I would agree with this entirely!
I have kids and prefer they be invited (easier than finding a babysitter, less complicated logistically, less worrying about whether they are ok home with the sitter, etc), but I fully understand when they are not. I have good kids who behave, but I know plenty of people do not. So, we make accommodations or we do not go. It's not how we planned our wedding, but that's ok. Everyone gets to plan the wedding they'd like.
I do NOT like it when I go to a wedding that's been labeled "adult reception" on the invite (rude), only DH and I were invited on the envelope, so we followed the "rules", and show up to find other people's children there. We make a big effort to secure evening care for the kids, but not everyone is held to the same standard. The B&G have a right to invite who they wish, but to hide behind "adult only reception" and allow other kids while excluding certain kids is rude. Just invite who you want, and man up if people RSVP with 15 kids - call and explain that no,sorry for the misunderstanding, but the kids are not invited. I think that's where a lot of the offense comes in, at least for me.
ETA: Because I just get heated about this topic! I really dislike it when B&G will justify their choice by saying "all parents WANT a night away from their kids! We are doing a nice thing for them, giving them a child-free evening." Bull. Maybe some parents do but not all of them. It makes the B&G feel better by justifying their choice to not invite children, but to presume parents are all itching to escape their kids is very rude. I had kids because I like kids - I have fun with my kids and enjoy their company. Don't presume I want an evening away from them with the hassle of arranging childcare to make you feel better about your choice. You want a wedding with no kids. Fine. Full stop. Don't spin it as helping out parents to ease your mind. Own the decision.
The problem with kids is many behave inappropriately according to the norms for adults at a wedding, because they're kids. A couple may not want to deal with a 10 year old acting like a 10 year old when they paid $150 a head (which, in many areas, isn't even for a great meal.) Also, since everyone has attendance and budget limits, inviting kids they aren't close to instead of their friends isn't thrilling.
And since someone mentioned STFU, Parents, I had to share my favorite sanctimommy post:
http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/10812995840/finally-someone-says-whats-on-everybodys-mind