Reception-only guests

jaz624

Ok ok, I've read many responses that have already stated it's bad etiquette to invite some guests to the reception only. But anyone have different experiences?

I'm having a backyard wedding. Literally in the backyard of my home. The guests I would like to invite to the ceremony include my family, FI family, and only one other family. I'm talking SMALL ceremony! But later we'll have an open bar, DJ, plenty of food & I want to invite more people to that. It's not a conventional, or by any means "fancy" wedding. Is that somehow an exception to the rules? We're a young couple and I doubt this will offend anyone, but if it really seems like a deal-breaker then I'll do my best to find more room. But we're on a budget, and I've grown up in my home, I would LOVE to be married here! Input? 

SlothGoals

The only exception to the "everyone must be invited to the whole event" rule is a private ceremony. They usually consist of immediate family only, about 20 people or 10% of the total guest list. It sounds like you'll be having a private ceremony so I'd say you're in the clear to invite more people to the reception. As long as they're invited to the whole reception: dinner and dancing.

STARMOON44

It's technically fine to have a small wedding and a large reception- just make sure it really is more like 30/150, not 75/125.

AddieCake

How many people are you talking about? Yes, if you're having a tiny guest list for the ceremony, it's fine to have a larger reception. The problem comes when you invite, 30, 40, 50 people to the ceremony and claim it's a "private" ceremony and then invite 150 to the reception.  Personally, I think anything over 15-20 people is no longer acceptable to do this. 

daria24

It is acceptable to have a private, small ceremony and larger reception. Your private ceremony should only be parents, siblings +SOs, grandparents, maybe a close friend or two. Ideally 20 people or less, though obviously if you each have 4 married siblings the total number increases. Then if you want to have 100+ plus at your reception, that is OK, etiquette-wise. 

However if you have 30 people at your ceremony, and 50 people at the reception, it's more likely those 20 people who didn't make the cut will feel like they were second string, KWIM? 

misshart00

I agree with PP that if its immediate family, it's ok from an etiquette standpoint. However, I don't understand the reasoning. You said if was because you're on a budget. The most expensive part of a wedding is the reception, so you won't really be saving any money.

jaz624

The list I have for the reception comes out to about 17 people.

And as far as the budget goes, I mean in the sense that I would prefer to not rent out a separate location.

artbyallie

misshart00 said:

I agree with PP that if its immediate family, it's ok from an etiquette standpoint. However, I don't understand the reasoning. You said if was because you're on a budget. The most expensive part of a wedding is the reception, so you won't really be saving any money.

This. You start talking about open bar and DJ but then say you're on a budget... does not compute.

misshart00

jaz624 said:

The list I have for the reception comes out to about 17 people.

And as far as the budget goes, I mean in the sense that I would prefer to not rent out a separate location.

I think 17 sounds fine as far as a private ceremony.

You could also get married at the reception location with people seated at their tables.

annathy03

I think OP means her ceremony venue is a backyard, but the reception venue is elsewhere, and if she invites everyone she has on her reception guest list to the ceremony that the backyard would no longer be large enough and she'd have to pay more for a ceremony venue, not to mention lose out on it being a place special to her.

FWIW, I think the ceremony is fine to be smaller IF the ceremony is truly intimate, meaning immediate family and those close enough to be in a small bridal party, AND the reception list is significantly larger (i.e. 15-20 for ceremony, 75 for reception).

misshart00

annathy03 said:

I think OP means her ceremony venue is a backyard, but the reception venue is elsewhere, and if she invites everyone she has on her reception guest list to the ceremony that the backyard would no longer be large enough and she'd have to pay more for a ceremony venue, not to mention lose out on it being a place special to her.

FWIW, I think the ceremony is fine to be smaller IF the ceremony is truly intimate, meaning immediate family and those close enough to be in a small bridal party, AND the reception list is significantly larger (i.e. 15-20 for ceremony, 75 for reception).

This is what I thought too. But that was my point. She could have the ceremony at the reception location.

Viczaesar

jaz624 said:

The list I have for the reception comes out to about 17 people.

And as far as the budget goes, I mean in the sense that I would prefer to not rent out a separate location.

Do you mean 17 people for the ceremony, and if so how many total for the reception?  Or do you mean that there are 17 guests total for the reception, and a smaller number of those will be invited to the ceremony as well?  If so, how many are invited for the ceremony?  Or do you mean that there will be 17 people at the reception in addition to the people who are invited to the ceremony?  In that case, how many are invited to the ceremony?

Long story short, we need more information.

annathy03

I agree she could have it at the reception location.  But if the ceremony would be 17 people, and she and her FI value an intimate wedding at her home then I think that's fine as long as the reception is considerably more people.  If that wasn't a mis-type and the reception is only 17 people, then I would recommend doing them together.  Even small backyards should accommodate 17, which is why I think she meant this as the ceremony, but OP needs to provide a bit more info.

Simply Fated

Apparently it's acceptable etiquette-wise, but I have no idea why. I'm not a fan, but it is what it is.

jaz624

OP here!

To clarify BOTH the reception and the ceremony would take place at my house. The reason I could only comfortably SEAT a certain number of guests for the reception is that they're is a cement area in the corner of my yard that I would seat guests in.

Total number of ceremony guests comes out to 22, with 6 of those guests standing in the wedding party. 47 additional guests.

Budget is tight, but I would rather be able to spend money on ample food, drink, and entertainment for my guests.

misshart00

You really need to provide seating at your reception as well. If I'm reading that right, you're not planning to.

bakerie

But how would having more guests for the ceremony cost you more money? You're going to need seats for everyone no matter what.

s-aries8990

Eeeh... can you rent some benches? Or have the ceremony at a different spot in your yard?

So there will be 69 total guests, correct? (Just to clarify).

I don't know... something is telling me that everyone should be invited to the ceremony and the fact that it's all happening at your house makes it even worse.

jaz624 said:

OP here!

To clarify BOTH the reception and the ceremony would take place at my house. The reason I could only comfortably SEAT a certain number of guests for the reception is that they're is a cement area in the corner of my yard that I would seat guests in.

Total number of ceremony guests comes out to 22, with 6 of those guests standing in the wedding party. 47 additional guests.

Budget is tight, but I would rather be able to spend money on ample food, drink, and entertainment for my guests.

jaz624

I see what y'all are saying about the seating! 

Once again, the thing that would be saving me money is not renting out a separate space.

Lots of good input! I appeciate it.

bakerie

But why would you need a separate space? If there's enough room to host them for the reception, there's enough room to host them for the ceremony. Unless I'm missing something here. 

misshart00

I will don't understand why you need a separate space. Did I miss something?

SlothGoals

bakerie said:

But why would you need a separate space? If there's enough room to host them for the reception, there's enough room to host them for the ceremony. Unless I'm missing something here. 

This is what I'm wondering now too.

OP, if you have enough space for tables and chairs in your backyard and will be having them for the reception anyway then why not just have everyone there for the ceremony and reception and have the chairs do double-duty?

wrigleyville

If everyone is seated in your backyard for the reception, why would they have to miss the ceremony?

I'm so confused...

jaz624

It's not a sit-down style dinner. I'll have a taco lady. People can get food whenever they want, when they want to eat there's a table outside, inside, couches, seating in the front yard, and I'll be ordering a few bar tables.

annathy03

Agree with PPs, if you are having a meal you need tables with chairs.  Can you rent/buy enough chairs for this that you could get at least 63 in the backyard (I'm also assuming 69 guests, with 6 of them standing in your BP with you)?  If you can fit them space wise, since you need seats for the reception, the only additional cost would be hiring someone to move them inside after the ceremony.

This made more sense to me when I thought the reception was elsewhere and you just really wanted a backyard ceremony.  With the reception being at the house it feels awkward not to have everyone attend both.

ETA: My computer wasn't showing a couple of the most recent posts before.  I'm not familiar with the etiquette on seating for less formal dinners.  My gut says everyone needs to be able to sit at the same time if they want, but not necessarily at a table, however I'll have to defer to those who know more on the subject.

Maggie0829

I still don't get why you can't just have everyone attend the ceremony.  I have been to plenty outdoor weddings where the seats are setup in grassy areas, not just on concrete slabs.

Also, it doesn't matter if it isn't a sit-down style meal.  You should have enough table and chairs for all of your guests.  I don't know about you but when I eat tacos I prefer to be sitting at a regular table rather than having to bend over a coffee table.

wrigleyville

Chair rentals can be fairly inexpensive. We have churches, VFW halls, etc in our area that will rent out tables and chairs for about $100 if you transport them (friends with pickups come in handy).

jaz624

I know it seems confusing that I want to have a small ceremony and larger reception at the same location. I'll upload pix ASAP to try and better explain the space I'm working with and you can give me your input!

Who knows how it'll end up! 

STARMOON44

That doesn't sound like enough of a numbers difference to make this okay.

jaz624

So here is my backyard. The cement area is where I want to have the ceremony. The grass area in the second pic COULD be used for seating but it would have an obstructed view.

So the way I see it, here are my options:

-Find a way to make the 70 person guest list work for the ceremony

-Make the ENTIRE guest list smaller

-Make guest list more expansive for just the reception

-Go with orginal plan and have smaller ceremony, larger reception

What would you do?

jaz624

Btw, I have had many parties at this house. The back yard, the inside, and our spick-n-span garage is ample room for this amount of people.