Engagement Ring - What to do.

victoriawinters

Thank you in advance for your advice.  My fiance proposed to me a couple weeks ago, and yes, I accepted. I love him!  He gave me the papers for the engagement ring to have the ring insured.  On the papers, the price was printed.  I am afraid he is spent way, way too much, and further, while it is a pretty ring, it is not "me" at all.  As I said: I love him.  However, I do not love the ring, and even with insurance, I am nervous to wear it out knowing how much it costs and not actually liking it.  I know that may seem harsh, but we will be starting a life together - the money he spent on a ring could seriously be a nice nest egg for us.  I would be happy with a ring actually tens of thousands (yes!) of dollars less.  He is very proud of the ring. And, honestly, I do not know how he would react if I said I wanted a lesser ring and this one returned.  He is very sweet and understanding, but I think it would be easy for him to be upset about it.  What should I do?  If I loved the ring, that would be one thing.  If it was too small of a diamond, then I wouldn't dream of asking for something else.  But seeing how I can't see myself wearing the ring every day because of the outrageous cost and the "not me" style, what should I do?  Say nothing? Say something?  I do think that because of the timing, the ring could be returned / refunded with the jeweler.  Please be kind in your reply. I just want to do the right thing. 

pesematology

Talk to him as  soon and as frankly as you can. This is a test of your communication and many more will follow. Don't let anything slide if you know it's going to leave you with a bad feeling. When we have strong feelings about things that seem petty, it's our subconscious trying to tell us there is a deeper issue to be resolved.

calliopeia2013

pesematology said:

Talk to him as  soon and as frankly as you can. This is a test of your communication and many more will follow. Don't let anything slide if you know it's going to leave you with a bad feeling. When we have strong feelings about things that seem petty, it's our subconscious trying to tell us there is a deeper issue to be resolved.

I really, really agree with this here.  I know I would have been incredibly uncomfortable if my DH had bought me a ring in the price range you're talking about.  It would have almost nothing to do with liking the ring or not, and everything to do with me being really unhappy with what it said about his financial priorities and sense of responsibility.  It would have effectively suggested to me that we had glaringly different values about our finances- which is obviously a huge deal if you plan to combine finances when you get married.

You don't even have to make the conversation about the style of the ring at all.  But it sounds like it's time to sit down with your FI and tell him that when you looked at the insurance papers, you were really concerned about how much he spent because of the nest egg issue, and that you're really uncomfortable wearing a ring that expensive around.  (Especially if the ring is flashy in such a way that you actually have concerns about it making you a target for crime.)  Basically just say what you said here.

AllieBear725

The first ring FI got me, wasn't my style. I was terribly afraid I would hurt his feelings when I told him, but he was more than happy to go with me to choose another. He told me he was glad I told him the truth, and he just wanted me to be happy with the ring since I'll be wearing it forever. I think you should tell him how you feel. I wouldn't mention the price, just tell him you envisioned something smaller since you will be wearing it every day. Do realize that he will probably be hurt, at least a little, but I'm sure he will appreciate your honesty. After all, you don't want to start your marriage with a lie.

Maggie0829

@victoriawinters is the price given in the information he provided you the actual cost he paid or is it the appraised value of the ring.  I am leaning more towards that it is the appraised value.  When rings are appraised they are typically appraised at 30-50% higher then the sales price.  Appraisal prices can sometimes be misleading and appraisals should be done buy the proper people, typically a gemologist and not just a generic appraiser.  But for rings appraisals do tend to be quite higher then the purchased price.  Appraisals will also give you detailed specifics about your rock and to verify that what you thought you bought is acutally what you bought.

Aside from that, I think the main issue you are having is that you do not like the ring.  Having that conversation is going to be difficult but you should have it.  This is something you will wear for the rest of your life and your FI will notice if you don't wear it very often and will most likely question you about it.

victoriawinters

Hi there 

I want to thank everyone for their kind and thoughtful replies.  Your observations have truly helped. 

Pesematology, Yes, I do believe you have hit the nail on the head:  There are deeper issues involved, which calliopeia2013 identified nicely.  Seeing the price he spent on the ring reinforced something my parents had noted several times about him: While he does make a lot of money, he spends every cent of it, leaving none to be saved.  I am not necessarily a penny pincher, but I do have a retirement account I contribute a significant portion of my check every month, and I do try to save money where I can.  In fact, when I accepted his offer, I was wearing an outfit I purchased at a garage sale for less than 3 dollars total.  So, it does concern me to spend money willy-nilly, and that is just the kind of person I am.  I will buy things I really want by saving.  Further, the price of the ring does concern me due to a safety factor, as yes calliopeia2013, it is flashy and could attract the wrong type of attention.  

As for the style, AllieBear725, I think that he would likely react very much like your FI did.  I think he will be a little hurt, as you noted, but I also think he wouldn't want me to start our life together on cringing through a lie, as you said.  Truth me told, a different style ring that is considerably less $ would set me up for life : )  I worry, because he is incredibly proud of the ring and has actually shown it off more than I've been able to, as he had taken a picture with it in the ring box with this phone. But, in selecting the ring, I think he did not even consider the style to be honest, because he would know clearly that is was not like "me" had he considered it.  He was more concerned with the idea that more is better, or the more you spend, the more she'll like it.  And, luckily for most guys, this is simply not true.  

Lastly, Maggie0829, I wondered the same thing, too, but I was actually looking at the line item for "purchase price" when my jaw dropped.  And, you're completely right, he will want me to wear it all the time.  In fact, when he phoned the other night, he seriously asked me if I was wearing it to bed.  (He is such a guy!)  So, I really do need a ring that is a little more practical and more my style, so I'd actually want to wear it to bed : )  Yes, I am nervous to have this talk, but it's time to spruce up on our communication skills. 

Thank you again for all your very kind replies. You have been most helpful.  I gladly will invite further feedback and comments.  

Victoria 

KellyVarellas26

I think you should sit and let him know how you feel. Good luck!

phira

I completely understand how you're feeling! It's so tough to tell these guys when we don't love something, and when it's an engagement ring, it feels almost insurmountable.

I'd approach it with lines like:

"I love you so much and cannot wait to be your wife, whatever the ring looks like."

"I feel uncomfortable wearing something so expensive. I am so touched that you would spend so much on me, but I'm almost afraid to wear it."

"This is such a gorgeous ring, but it doesn't really feel like me. What made you decide to get this particular one? What ideas did you have? Maybe we could come up with something that made both of us melt."

My partner and I are picking engagement rings together (I just bought his a few days ago and am DYING because I can't believe we're getting engaged). You would not BELIEVE how difficult it's been to find a style of ring that both of us likes for each ring. I was going to get him a plain band with a flush set stone ... and then found how that he hates hates hates that style! And he had no idea what a bezel setting was ... or how badly I wanted one.

Picking out a ring design that you both love can be tough, but I can tell you that for me and my partner, it brought us closer together, it has been a blast, and it's making the rings mean so much  more. I hope that your fiance understands that, and I hope that he's receptive to the idea!

CarolinaHeart

I am not entirely sure what my FI payed for my ring. But when I got the papers for it I saw that it was appraised for $15K. I can 100% guarantee that he didn't pay this. One, because my ring is very simple. Princess, solitaire, just over a carat. And two, because he knows I would lose my mind. lol

So really there probably isn't need to worry so much over price but I hope ya'll can figure it out and get your dream ring!

runpipparun

victoriawinters said:

Hi there 

I want to thank everyone for their kind and thoughtful replies.  Your observations have truly helped. 

Pesematology, Yes, I do believe you have hit the nail on the head:  There are deeper issues involved, which calliopeia2013 identified nicely.  Seeing the price he spent on the ring reinforced something my parents had noted several times about him: While he does make a lot of money, he spends every cent of it, leaving none to be saved.  I am not necessarily a penny pincher, but I do have a retirement account I contribute a significant portion of my check every month, and I do try to save money where I can.  In fact, when I accepted his offer, I was wearing an outfit I purchased at a garage sale for less than 3 dollars total.  So, it does concern me to spend money willy-nilly, and that is just the kind of person I am.  I will buy things I really want by saving.  Further, the price of the ring does concern me due to a safety factor, as yes calliopeia2013, it is flashy and could attract the wrong type of attention.  

As for the style, AllieBear725, I think that he would likely react very much like your FI did.  I think he will be a little hurt, as you noted, but I also think he wouldn't want me to start our life together on cringing through a lie, as you said.  Truth me told, a different style ring that is considerably less $ would set me up for life : )  I worry, because he is incredibly proud of the ring and has actually shown it off more than I've been able to, as he had taken a picture with it in the ring box with this phone. But, in selecting the ring, I think he did not even consider the style to be honest, because he would know clearly that is was not like "me" had he considered it.  He was more concerned with the idea that more is better, or the more you spend, the more she'll like it.  And, luckily for most guys, this is simply not true.  

Lastly, Maggie0829, I wondered the same thing, too, but I was actually looking at the line item for "purchase price" when my jaw dropped.  And, you're completely right, he will want me to wear it all the time.  In fact, when he phoned the other night, he seriously asked me if I was wearing it to bed.  (He is such a guy!)  So, I really do need a ring that is a little more practical and more my style, so I'd actually want to wear it to bed : )  Yes, I am nervous to have this talk, but it's time to spruce up on our communication skills. 

Thank you again for all your very kind replies. You have been most helpful.  I gladly will invite further feedback and comments.  

Victoria 

Is this something you have ever discussed with him? The differences in your spending/saving styles? That could potentially be the #1 source of conflict in your marriage. He sounds like my dad; you sound like my mom. They fight HORRIBLY over money. It's awful.

ETA: The reason I ask is that, if he knew that frugality is important to you, he shouldn't have gone out and spent that much. If he ISN'T aware of the discrepancy between your spending styles, and yet, your parents are... then, there's an issue.

suzyk723

I would tell him that you think he spent so much. Let him know how much to appreciate his thoughtfulness.

victoriawinters

Hi ladies

Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and replies.  I am super shy, and I never do things like post on boards!  So, you've made the experience very welcoming.  Thank you 

Phira, thank you so much for those ideas and quotes.  I really see myself actually using a mixture of them, as they really do capture my thoughts on the ring.  You ladies who have opted to shop for the ring and find the right ring for both of you really know what you're doing!  I know that if I were to pick something so important for a loved one, I would want a little guidance, so when it comes to purchasing his wedding ring, he's coming with me : ) And, thank you KellyVarellas26 and Suzyk723, I really do hope to talk to him soon; hopefully this weekend, although I will have to find the right time where we can both sit down privately and talk for a spell. 

CarolinaHeart, I wish it would have been appraisal papers, but this was definitely the "purchase price" that shocked me.  And, I hope you're right... I am 100% certain I can find my dream ring at perhaps a fraction of the cost of this one : ) 

And, lastly, Runpipparun, thank you for your intuitive remarks.  I have actually talked to him on multiple occasions about saving money rather than spending as he does.  You know, I will definitely splurge on myself when I really want something, but I'm lucky that my heart is not set on much that is beyond what my salary can manage, not that I'm wealthy but perhaps more that I have some fairly grounded "wants." I do think this is a very real conflict and one that will only grow if we were to combine our bank accounts, etc.  He does know frugality is important to me, but I think he kind of chooses to ignore it.  Granted, it's nice to be treated to a nice vacation or a fancy meal every so often, but I think the misalignment of our spending / saving styles has never been so pronounced as now with the introduction of the ring.  I do think that in discussing why I'm not comfortable with or in love with the ring, I should also broach this topic again in as serious as a tone as possible.  Because, yes, everyone around me sees his / my spending as a problem, and I've talked to him about it.  Whether, he's listening...? : )  These are definitely things to think about.  Thank you. 

I am very flattered by the ring, but I do hope we can "come up with some ideas that can make us both melt," as so aptly put by Phira. 

Thank you again, ladies.  I welcome further comments and response.  I appreciate you in this happy yet stressful time. 

Victoria 

victoriawinters

Hi ladies 

It's me again - Sorry to draw you into my drama, but I am glad to have your help!  I talked to him tonight, albeit over the phone, the perfect moment arose and I decided to press forward.  We were talking about  finances and namely his desire for me to quit my job when we are married. From that conversation, he agreed that we could save money from his paycheck if it made me feel better about quitting my job, that is, bringing some stability or "nest egg" into play. As we discussed our varying spending styles, I asked about the ring. 

I specifically asked, "did you spend X amount on the ring?" He replied he did.  I said that while I'm flattered and love him so much,  the ring is too much and I am uncomfortable wearing such an expensive piece of jewelry on a daily basis.  I said I would like to pick out a lesser ring and put that excess money after the return toward our nest egg, as we had just discussed.  He explained that he picked out the ring, and he especially liked it.  He said that he wants me to wear it all the time, and he wants me to wear that ring - no other ring.  I asked him if he understood what I was saying: I wanted to return the ring, get a smaller diamond with a unique, pretty setting, and put away that money for our future, perhaps even to use toward our wedding.  He replied that he understood what I was saying.  I asked him if he understood that I was the one who would be wearing the ring. He said he understood, and he reiterated he wanted me to wear it all the time.  I even alluded to changing the setting, and he did not budge.  When I realized I was talking in circles with him, I decided to end the conversation...perhaps to resume later?  To tackle from another angle?  To just let it go?  I do not know.   

Just as an aside, I think that he may be embarrassed to return the ring, too. He has shown a picture of the ring in its ring box to all his friends, family, and co-workers. He seems to be a fabled hero of the jewelry store that sold him the ring; apparently, they all know him by name.  It may be a little hard for him to back peddle and have me wear a different ring at this rate. So, I do think some of this stubbornness is attributed to pride. 

 Any further advice?  I am touched that he picked the ring that he liked regardless of the cost. I just wish I had a say in the matter.  

Thank you again

Victoria

calliopeia2013

Oh, that sounds really tough, Victoria.  I do think it sounds like a second conversation is in order, and what it sounds like you really need to get at in that conversation is why you both feel the way you do. 

I admit, I am really weirded out by the way you describe the conversation.  He says he wants you to wear the ring all the time.  You say you don't really like the ring, it makes you uncomfortable to wear in certain scenarios, and you don't want to wear it all the time.  Hearing that, he still wants you to wear the ring all the time.  To me, that sounds like he's putting his pride (or need for control, which would obvs be a big red flag)  before both your physical and emotional comfort.  If I were in your shoes, that would make me really concerned and unhappy.  I think it's really key for you to sit down with him and ask him why it's so important to him that you wear this specific ring, all the time, despite the fact that you don't like it and it makes you uncomfortable.

Possibly the way to go forward with this is to start by getting him to acknowledge that you have incompatible wants regarding the ring - he wants you to wear this specific ring all the time; you want to wear a different ring and probably not all the time.  (Most people don't wear e-rings all the time- at the very least most of them can't be comfortably worn during certain activities, like weight lifting or pottery class or whatever.)  Once he acknowledges that you have incompatible goals, ask him how he thinks the two of you can come to a compromise position.  His answer will tell you a lot, I think.  (Hint: a complete unwillingness to compromise, especially over something that self-evidently affects you way more than it affects him, is a really bad sign.) 

I was actually going to at least nudge you in the direction of premarital counseling even before you described this conversation, because you pretty clearly have drastically different financial styles (which is among the top causes of divorce), and that's the sort of thing you need to work out sooner rather than later.  Hearing about this conversation, I'd suggest it even more strongly, because it also sounds like you may be having communication issues and possibly control issues on his end as well.  Good luck! 

 

phira

Thanks for the update, Victoria! It definitely sounds like your conversation went in circles Calliopeia hit the nail on the head: he doesn't seem to understand that there has to be some kind of compromise.

To be fair to your fiance, the ring is definitely a gift to you, which means that he's allowed to pick whatever gift he wants. But while this isn't exactly like every other gift you get, it's still a gift. And I know there are gifts I've gotten over the years that I've never used or worn. In fact, my partner's gift to me on our 1-year anniversary is a necklace that I never wear (long story).

I think that counseling might help if he's still not getting that there needs to be compromise. Just having an impartial mediator will help a lot, and s/he might help you both be able to articulate your feelings better.

Some compromises I can think of:

- You keep the engagement ring and wear it on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day), but purchase a smaller ring that you can wear on a regular basis.

- You agree on a ring of similar (maybe slightly less expensive!!) cost that is much more "you," and return the original ring.

- You have the current ring changed in some way (maybe a different shaped stone, or have the same stone(s) reset in a different metal or slightly different setting) to make it more "you."

When proposals are entirely a surprise, or when a person doesn't have a lot of knowledge of jewelry (aka my partner), it's almost a given that the ring isn't exactly what the recipient imagined as their ideal ring. And while a lot of the time, the imperfect ring can still be perfect because it was a gift, sometimes it's just not YOU. And it sounds like the combination of the cost of the ring and the ring not being "you" is too much to ignore. And that's okay--there is NOTHING wrong with you.

KDM323

i agree with the PP...he may not even be able to get the money back at this point.  

pesematology

calliopeia2013 said:

I admit, I am really weirded out by the way you describe the conversation.  He says he wants you to wear the ring all the time.  ... To me, that sounds like he's putting his pride (or need for control, which would obvs be a big red flag)  before both your physical and emotional comfort.

This. Definitely. I have been in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship that I thought was the best relationship of my life until months after it ended and the Stockholm syndrome wore off, and these kinds of "little" things were how it started. I'm not saying you're in for the same kinds of problems I experienced, but the description of the conversation makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I would *seriously* re-evaluate making this relationship more serious and **super-extra-seriously** re-evaluate agreeing to become financially dependent on this person.

And by re-evaluate, I mean take these issues to a professional, either as a couple or alone. You don't always see clearly when you're with someone who has strong ideas about what you should do and how you should feel. Even if they're not intentionally trying to manipulate you, your feelings can easily get lost in this kind of scenario. Talking to a counselor should help you see clearly and evaluate what's right for you.

wittykitty14

I am also curious as to whether or not he can return the ring.  That might be why he's being a little more stubborn on this.

Give him time to think about your conversation.  Chances are, he put a lot of time into finding what he thought was the perfect ring.  He's proud of the ring he bought, and he's proud of you.  He's probably feeling embarassed.  He's probably worried about what the people at the store or what family/friends will think when they find out that you didn't like the ring he picked.  He may not say any of this, but chances are, stuff like that is going through his head.  It's important to be sensitive of what he might be going through.

I think you're handling it well so far.  Give him a couple days and bring it up again.  Maybe he'll say differently once he's had a few days to think it over and let it in.  Good luck, OP! 

runpipparun

I think the red flags for me began with him wanting OP to quit her job after they are married. This conversation includes bargaining. "I'll stop spending money like it's going out of style if you'll quit your job and stay at home." That's not a healthy conversation. He wouldn't agree to trying to save money until she gave in to quitting her job? No, no, no.