Throwing your own engagement party, okay or not?

kerbohl

It doesn't NEED to be called that, but why can't you?  You want to celebrate the fact that you are engaged with an informal party - why can't you call it an engagement party?  And in my circle, no engagement parties require gifts, formal or otherwise, so it is not gift-grabby to want to call it an engagement party.

And didn't we just come to the break-through conclusion that an engagement party doesn't need to be a formal party?  Now you are saying that all engagement parties are formal if they are simply called an engagement party?  Do you see why I'm completely confused?  I'm getting very tempted to go to google for a definition and any etiquette behind it, but I'm thinking that won't get me any answers either. 

NYCBruin

kerbohl said:

It doesn't NEED to be called that, but why can't you?  You want to celebrate the fact that you are engaged with an informal party - why can't you call it an engagement party?  And in my circle, no engagement parties require gifts, formal or otherwise, so it is not gift-grabby to want to call it an engagement party.

And didn't we just come to the break-through conclusion that an engagement party doesn't need to be a formal party?  Now you are saying that all engagement parties are formal if they are simply called an engagement party?  Do you see why I'm completely confused?  I'm getting very tempted to go to google for a definition and any etiquette behind it, but I'm thinking that won't get me any answers either. 

When was there a conclusion that engagement parties aren't formal parties?  The only thing that may have come close was banana saying that just because other people call a party that was organized before the couple got engaged an engagement party doesn't make it one.

In my mind, once you give something a formal name it becomes a formal party.  

If you ask me to grab drinks with you to celebrate your birthday, that's not a birthday party.  But if you invite me to your "birthday party," it's now a birthday party because you've called it that.

If you call it an engagement party, and invite people (however informally) to what you call an engagement party, it's an engagement party.  And you shouldn't host a party to honor yourself, even if people don't give gifts, it's still AWish.

If you got engaged on a Thursday and tell people that you're planning to have brunch at XYZ restaurant on Saturday with your new fiance to celebrate if they'd like to join, that isn't an engagement party.  

But if instead you say, "Come to our Engagement Party on Saturday at XYZ restaurant," now you're having an Engagement Party.  I would expect that you're paying and think it a little AWish that you were throwing a party in your honor.  I would also think it was gift-grabby and bring you a gift.

kerbohl

This is where our difference in views comes in - I would call grabbing drinks to celebrate my birthday a birthday party.  That's just how I see it.  So to me, once you give something a name doesn't make it a formal party. 
So therefore there can be formal or informal parties to celebrate things.  One requires proper etiquette.  The other is informal and is not so rigid in its etiquette rules.  I am content with this conclusion.   

alexis5

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Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

I've been on this board a lot and still don't know what AW or Awish means. Help.

AW = Attention Whore

PickleJuiceSlurper

Haha, I always read AW as an actual "awww"

KittieMann

banana468 said:

Actually, the rules ARE universal.   Just because you broke the rules does not mean that they didn't apply to you.     

I am sorry but what rule book is this in? I don't see how a party, for yourself, to celebrate something for yourself, is bad. I don't think you should toss that out. It is not like they are stealing or killing someone. Anything that used to be proper is pointless. Back off, course maybe I should say I am sorry that you never had a party, it seems like you might be jealous. 

 I understand it being rude if on the invite you say must bring gift, or something on that line. No one bends your arm to bring a present, it is just nice to do so. I had a party for my birthday last year. It was only a few from my dads side, I didn't care if i got presents, all I wanted was to celabrate an event in life, also what about a house party (the ones you throw when you move into a new home and meet the neighbors) is that a bad thing to do? IT IS FREE FOOD! WHO TURNS DOWN FREE STUFF. 

KittieMann

NYCBruin said:

fuzzyslipper32 said:

I understand what you are saying, but I guess my point is at the point of engagement, a lot of people don't know what they are going to do for their wedding yet. I totally agree if it is a bridal shower or something where some planning has been done, but at this point most people have no idea what they want yet.

Since I have been engaged, I have thought about eloping, or having a destination wedding. I thought about also just going to the courthouse with our parents and just doing it that way.

I did finally decide to have a wedding, but I'm just saying that at the point of the engagement party, I didn't know if I would have one or not. I don't think that you should feel like you shouldn't celebrate your engagement because you are unsure of how you will get married.

My friends that were at my engagement party know that as long as I have a real wedding, they will be invited since only my close friends were there. But if I didn't have an actually wedding and just eloped, they would never think "that sneaky bitch made me come to her engagement party but didn't even have a wedding!" They know me well enough to know that I wasn't trying to "rub their nose in it" since I hadn't even decided anything yet.

Again, it could be different because we didn't do gifts or anything. I never even knew gifts were common for engagement parties.

I'm not trying to be the etiquette police here or anything, just pointing out how I would feel if I were a guest at your engagement party.

I agree with Stage about it feeling like a HUGE snub if I was invited to an engagement party and not the wedding.  I don't necessarily get some big expensive gift for an engagement party, but I usually buy the couple a bottle of champagne or something.

I get that you hadn't planned your wedding yet when you had your engagement party, but that almost makes the problem worse.  It comes across like you just wanted to throw a party to honor yourself so badly that you didn't think through how it might make your guests feel.  It feels very "it's all about me and if you don't like it, well than you aren't good enough to be my friend anyways."

Maybe none of your guests felt that way, but I doubt they would have said something to you if they did.  I have internally eye-rolled at many, many wedding related things and never said a word to the offending couple.

My Man and I are looking at a Court House wedding. We can not afford a wedding ceremony, and then having a party (reception like ) with the whole first dance etc, Maybe even throw in a little cute vow thing. So is it wrong to have all of those parties and go to a court house? I mean you are paying for the venues (2 probably or one big venue that might cost more) the food (serving as well) a cake (which might with your venue include a cutting fee) Dj/band, Flowers, Etc...if they really get upset because there was no wedding ceremony then they really do not care for the bride and groom, and probably the bride and groom would be better off with out the drama(no offence to anyone really)  You never know what exactly everyone's story truly is. I believe there are those who do use all the parties and get a lot of people who are not invited to the wedding just for the presents, and there are those who have true reasons they can not have them there.  

TiaTea

It's fine to throw your own engagement party. It's fine to throw a party for any event, that makes you happy. A lot of people do not understand that it's not celebrating yourself. It is sharing your joy and happiness with friends and family.
If you are happy that you got engaged, why not have a party? If you are happy that you "survived" another year , why don't have a birthday party? If you are happy that you got your drivers license, or passed a really hard exam , or whatever good thing happen to you - have a party to share your joy.
There is an old saying,  that we always suspect other people in doing the bad things, that we would do ourselves.
When I am invited to a party, whatever the reason for the party, I think that I am invited to have some fun with the hosts and the other guests. I never think that I am invited, becuse they want a present. That's probably because I don't expect presents myself, when I invite people for parties. I invite them to have fun.

By the way, people from mixed families know ,that in a lot of cultures it's the birthday person that throws the party, not the othere way around.

banana468

KittieMann said:

banana468 said:

Actually, the rules ARE universal.   Just because you broke the rules does not mean that they didn't apply to you.     

I am sorry but what rule book is this in? I don't see how a party, for yourself, to celebrate something for yourself, is bad. I don't think you should toss that out. It is not like they are stealing or killing someone. Anything that used to be proper is pointless. Back off, course maybe I should say I am sorry that you never had a party, it seems like you might be jealous. 

 I understand it being rude if on the invite you say must bring gift, or something on that line. No one bends your arm to bring a present, it is just nice to do so. I had a party for my birthday last year. It was only a few from my dads side, I didn't care if i got presents, all I wanted was to celabrate an event in life, also what about a house party (the ones you throw when you move into a new home and meet the neighbors) is that a bad thing to do? IT IS FREE FOOD! WHO TURNS DOWN FREE STUFF. 

Don't insinuate anything about me. The flag function is gone but your comments are way out of line.

Etiquette has been well established. It's not now nor has it ever been acceptable to throw a party in honor of yourself.

It's more than fine to throw a party however one never puts herself as the center of attention at the event she hosts. That means you don't throw your own anniversary party, birthday party, engagement party, etc but you can certainly host get togethers.

Also, it has never been appropriate to mention gifts on an invitation.

TiaTea

@banana468
"Etiquette has been well established. It's not now nor has it ever been acceptable to throw a party in honor of yourself. "

You are bsolutely right!
But you are taking it out of the context and substituting the meaning of it.
"To honor yourself" is not the same as to "Celebrate an event" Even if it is an event , or a major milestone in your own life.
Thus " That means you don't throw your own anniversary party, birthday party, engagement party, etc but you can certainly host get togethers." doesn't make much sense,
because doesn't make much sense to say "Come over for a party. It's my annyversary, but it's not may anniversary party"

To put it in perspective:  your wedding party is to celebrate the fact that you got married. You don't expect other people to throw you a wedding party. And obviusly it is a wedding party , because somebody got wed - you. So you are celebrating the event - the wedding, not yourselves.
Same thing is with the engagement parties - to celebrate the event of engagement, annyversaries - milestones in a wedded life , etc.

And also  you are right about "it has never been appropriate to mention gifts on an invitation."
But @sthorne91 never mentioned gifts . Or am I missing something?

The only gift-giving gathering, the one specifically designated to gifts , is the shower. "To shower them with gifts" And that is the reason you don't throw yourself a shower. But it's not a party anyway There is no "shower party" . It's just "a shower"
And sthorne91 is not talking about a shower.

banana468

TiaTea said:

@banana468
"Etiquette has been well established. It's not now nor has it ever been acceptable to throw a party in honor of yourself. "

You are bsolutely right!
But you are taking it out of the context and substituting the meaning of it.
"To honor yourself" is not the same as to "Celebrate an event" Even if it is an event , or a major milestone in your own life.
Thus " That means you don't throw your own anniversary party, birthday party, engagement party, etc but you can certainly host get togethers." doesn't make much sense,
because doesn't make much sense to say "Come over for a party. It's my annyversary, but it's not may anniversary party" 

Actually it does make sense.   One says, "Come over for dinner!   Yeah it's our anniversary but we want a get together with all of you."   The other is an invitation stating, "You are invited to our home to celebrate us."     The latter - the more formal invitation and more self-centered context is what is rude.    It isn't rude to have the party with friends.   It IS rude to host a party where you intend to make yourself the center of the event. 

To put it in perspective:  your wedding party is to celebrate the fact that you got married. You don't expect other people to throw you a wedding party. And obviusly it is a wedding party , because somebody got wed - you. So you are celebrating the event - the wedding, not yourselves.
Same thing is with the engagement parties - to celebrate the event of engagement, annyversaries - milestones in a wedded life , etc. 

This isn't the same thing.   When you invite people to the reception, it's to receive your guests who attended the wedding and to thank them in the form of refreshments and entertainment.    You may have just wed but the event is for the guests and that's why you can host your own wedding reception. 

And also  you are right about "it has never been appropriate to mention gifts on an invitation."
But @sthorne91 never mentioned gifts . Or am I missing something? 

The only gift-giving gathering, the one specifically designated to gifts , is the shower. "To shower them with gifts" And that is the reason you don't throw yourself a shower. But it's not a party anyway There is no "shower party" . It's just "a shower"
And sthorne91 is not talking about a shower.

I was addressing PPs comments about bringing gifts.  

I hope the above comments in bold help explain the differences! 

TiaTea

@banana468
"   The other is an invitation stating, "You are invited to our home to celebrate us.
This is a non-issue, because there is no invitation that ever said that. Or is there?
Come over to celebrate US? You do interpret the OP words that way?
We can always twist words to make them sound bad, but why would we do it?
You can have any kind of party for anything you want. If you want , you can have e "shoe party" ( where everybody brings the oldest or newest pair of shoes) a "candle party" ( no electricity tonight) , a  "just found an old bottle of wine in my basement" party - anything at all.
If you want to twist it to mean "I am so awesome, I have an old/new pair of shoes", "I am so awesome and romantic", or "I am so awesome, because I have a better taste in wine" , you can do that. And you can always blame the person inviting you to the party, of being self centered and celebrating herself. But it doesn't mean that she is.

'When you invite people to the reception, it's to receive your guests who attended the wedding and to thank them in the form of refreshments and entertainment."
I disagree with that. It's  true, but very narrow. It only covers a fraction of what and why people do. Keep in mind that while etiquette applies to weddings , it does not invalidate different customs and traditions. Actually, from an etiquette point of view, putting down others customs and traditions is a major faux pas.
With that said, people may have a wedding in a court or city hall with no guests at all and go home to have a party with their relatives, who just waited for them at home. Very popular option. Should they have invited the other people from the court house, who were there to pay their speeding tickets, just because they attended the ceremony? Or declare that their party at home is not a wedding party, because grandma didn't come to the court?
People get married in a church after a mass. Half the village is there. Should they invite everybody who happens to be there to the reception?
Actually , what you described above " to receive your guests who attended the wedding and to thank them" is what in many circles ( mine included)  is done for funerals. For weddings we do parties With music , dancing , games sometimes, etc. And no, the bride is not dancing to thank grandma for coming. She is  dancing for fun. And so are the other guests.

So while you are not wrong, your idea of what a wedding festivities are/represent/should be seem to be limited to your own experience.

banana468

I'm not saying what my idea of a wedding may be. I'm staying what one does to stick to proper etiquette. There are way too many insinuations in this thread about me which have no bearing on the question at hand.

lmulion03

Go for it. I recently went to a friends engagement party which they hosted and didn't think it was rude or anything. It was just a get together of the closest family and friends at his apartment for drinks and a good time.

 

We're hosting an engagement party - didn't think it was rude to host one until I started reading some of these posts. We'll be providing beers, nachos and some pizza at our place. Just close family and friends.

[Deleted User]

I want to have an engagement party so our families can meet. i think if people think its rude then whatever, my friends and family won't think im doing it to get gifts. i won't have banners, and it will be at a bar and ill provide cake, but im still calling it an engagement party. to me an engagement party is to have everyone meet, especially people that will be in the wedding (wedding party and families).

biojess

We have a party coming up about a month after our engagement. We have bonfires every six weeks, and they're always BYOB and/or potluck style. Our engagement is obviously going to be a big deal at the party, and it's hosted by us. It'll be a de facto engagement party, but without gifts. So is that bad etiquette?

I also don't understand how throwing one's own birthday party is rude. That seems like a totally normal thing for adults to do, especially if they say "no gifts, just fun."

KeptInStitches

Nope, @biojess, you're having a standing tradition party, but you're not calling it an engagement party. There's a difference. So you're kosher.

banana468

SENGLISH0410 said:

I want to have an engagement party so our families can meet. i think if people think its rude then whatever, my friends and family won't think im doing it to get gifts. i won't have banners, and it will be at a bar and ill provide cake, but im still calling it an engagement party. to me an engagement party is to have everyone meet, especially people that will be in the wedding (wedding party and families).

There are two issues with this:
1)You don't make the rules of polite society. You can't decide that a meet and greet is an engagement party.

2)You need to provide / pay for what your guests consume.

Otherwise, nix the cake, and call it a casual meet and greet and you are fine.

erkole

We just got engaged a couple weeks ago. We throw an annual BBQ every year and it happens to be coming up. Since we hadn't finished the invites yet, we simply added "Please join us in celebrating our engagement at our 2nd annual.....".

After reading this I am panicking a little! We don't expect gifts, would have had our BBQ regardless of the engagement and most people already KNEW the date of the BBQ anyway. I certainly hope people don't assume it's an engagement party and we expect anything from it. We thought it was a cute addition to the invite.

Crap!

KeptInStitches

Crap! Everyone invited to the BBQ should be invited to the wedding - keep that in mind as you move forward ... Is your BBQ BYOB/potluck/anything of the sort? Engagement parties mean everything should be hosted by you ...

erkole

Yes, everyone invited to the BBQ will be invited to the wedding. We supply the food (but everyone brings stuff anyway...even when we ask them not to), all the non-alcoholic drinks/mixers and a limited supply of liquor. We don't make it BYOB, but at the same time, people always bring their own of that too.
I'm so bummed. This wasn't meant to be an engagement party. We only put that on the invite to share the news.

KeptInStitches

Could be worse, though. Congrats and I hope you enjoy your party! Engagement gifts are usually small (a bottle of wine, a picture frame, etc.) if anyone brings any, if that comforts you at all.

MadHops21

I had a get-together with friends only at some bar. I bought some pizzas, but that was all. It wasn't an engagement party, but a hang out with friends. It was a come and go sort of event, and people brought their own friends. My parents are hosting an actual engagement party, with friends and family. If rules state that I can't have plan a hangout on my birthday with friends, then I would not have celebrated my last 5 birthdays.

Maggie0829

Can someone tell me the point of an engagement party?  Like really, what is the point?  Are you telling me that you wouldn't have celebrated your engagement with a few drinks at the bar with your friends?  Or had a fun dinner with your family?  Why the need for an engagement party?  H and I got engaged and then hung out with friends and family at later times and everyone congratulated us.  We had no need for a party to force people into celebrating...the celebration just happened naturally.

futurebrugger22

My fiance and I are throwing our own engagement party. We have been engaged for 4 months and find this to be a great opportunity for all the members of our wedding party to meet. We will be hosting a wine and cheese tasting at a restaurant and it will be made known that there are no gifts. We're using it as a beginning to the parties that they are all going to throw in our honor in the coming year. All these rules everyone is griping about were originally based on your religious beliefs. It's your wedding and if you don't want to follow suit, you don't have to!

Best wishes on your wedding!

Maggie0829

futurebrugger22 said:

My fiance and I are throwing our own engagement party. We have been engaged for 4 months and find this to be a great opportunity for all the members of our wedding party to meet. We will be hosting a wine and cheese tasting at a restaurant and it will be made known that there are no gifts. We're using it as a beginning to the parties that they are all going to throw in our honor in the coming year. All these rules everyone is griping about were originally based on your religious beliefs. It's your wedding and if you don't want to follow suit, you don't have to!

Best wishes on your wedding!

How do you know they are going to throw you any parties?  What if they don't?  Are you going to throw your own bridal shower and bach party?

And why do you feel the need to force your wedding party to meet each other?  They don't have to be besties and they certainly don't even have to know each other.

Throwing a party in your honor is rude.  Period.  

And to the bolded.  What?  Who knew that my Catholic beliefs told me that throwing my own engagement party was rude.  **off to read the bible to find that verse**

manateehugger

My Sunday School training clearly failed me since I don't remember the "Thou shalt not host they own engagement party" commandment. 

That makes NO sense. Don't host an event to honor yourself and receive gifts. That's vain and rude. 

futurebrugger22

Dear Wedding Police,

You don't know anyone's personal situations. I think it's extremely rude of you to throw your opinions in everyone's face and try to pass them off as truth. As a matter of fact I, personally, know of 2 parties that my wedding party is planning for us. Also, most of my wedding party know each other as it is on an "internet" basis and would love to meet each other and become acquainted before all the bigger parties. These are the closest people to us in our lives and it's nice to give them something to show our appreciation. I don't understand why you seem to be getting so bent out of shape over other people's ideas for their wedding/party planning, do you want someone constantly telling you that the way you're planning one of the most important days of your life is wrong because it doesn't follow what they believe is correct? 

If we're paying for every part of our own wedding, no one really has a say in what we choose to do or how we choose to do it. This discussion board is suppose to be helpful and supportive, not rude and judging. 

What I was meaning about religious beliefs is that wedding traditions were based off of religion to begin with and most weddings do not follow all the beliefs of their religion at their wedding. Therefore, if you can pass up some of them, why can't you make your own guidelines for your own wedding?

Maggie0829

You know what futurebrugger22 do whatever the hell you want.  I really don't give two shits if you offend your family and friends.  Throw your own party.  Be rude to your guests.  Think your crazy thoughts  I'm done.