How to word an invite with deceased Father-in-Law?

kmullett17

Hello! I'm just wondering if there are any suggestions for wording an invite with a father in law that is deceased? I do not want to leave him out, Is there a nice way to also include his name? 

Thanks! 

Jen4948

There really isn't.  The names of deceased persons don't go on invitations because only live persons can be hosts or honorees.

I'm sorry.

Edited to add: Even though a deceased person shouldn't be mentioned on an invitation, you might give him a tribute in a wedding program if you are doing one, your FI might wear or carry something his father owned or that is associated with him, or you might provide food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment that your FI's father would have enjoyed.  The important thing is that any mention of your FI's father needs to be subtle so as not to evoke grief.

kaos16

The invitation should indicate who is hosting the event.  Someone who is deceased is unable to host.  Instead of putting him on the invitation, you could always mention him in your program (if you have one) or do something small and lowkey to memorialize him at the wedding. . . . .Your fiance could wear his cufflinks or watch perhaps.  If him and MIL were still married when he passed maybe display their wedding photo, etc.

doeydo

Together with their families

Miss Angela Mitchell

and

Mr. Gregory  Smith

et cetera

[Deleted User]

Not sure how "proper" this is but if you are naming the parents and want to include him

Jane Smith, the daughter of Bob & Sue Smith is marrying Mike Jones, the son of Jane Jones and the late Chuch Jones

I would talk to FMIL about this too, to make sure it won't make her comfortable doing this.

Jen4948

Erikan73 said:

Not sure how "proper" this is but if you are naming the parents and want to include him

Jane Smith, the daughter of Bob & Sue Smith is marrying Mike Jones, the son of Jane Jones and the late Chuch Jones

I would talk to FMIL about this too, to make sure it won't make her comfortable doing this.

This goes better in a program than on an invitation.

jackieo954

My father passed and my invitation reads, "Ms. Nancy Trabucco requests the honour of your presence as her daughter Jaclyn Michelle Trabucco..."  I will be putting something in my program to honor my dad, putting his photo on a memorial table and requesting that everyone get up and do the Electric Slide (his favorite dance to do at a reception) in honor of him.  Hope that helps!

clcountry

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

libby2483

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

This actually isn't an old-fashioned style.  It is not traditional to include "son of...", although it is becoming more common.  It is also not proper to include a deceased person on the invitation.  It would have been more appropriate to mention him in the program.

OliveOilsMom

FIL had passed prior to our wedding as well.  He was not listed on the invitation.  After H's name on the invite we added, son of Mrs. Sally Smith.  It's not proper to have a deceased person's name on your invite, I'm sorry to say.  We put FIL's name in the program under the memorial section.  He was also mentioned in the Prayers of the Faithful during our Mass. 

photokitty

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

I think something as personal as the passing of a father is a situation that you should do what makes you happy - even if it is not "proper or appropriate." This is not a case of being rude to any of the guests, but rather honoring your parents that way you want to. I'm glad you and your fiancé found a way that made him happy. 

OP, I think you should do whatever pleases you two and perhaps take into account how your MIL feels about it too. Whether it is on the invite, program, ceremony, reception - all or none - I think it's up to you two to decide. Letting him honor his father in his way has no impact on the guests.

Jen4948

photokitty said:

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

I think something as personal as the passing of a father is a situation that you should do what makes you happy - even if it is not "proper or appropriate." This is not a case of being rude to any of the guests, but rather honoring your parents that way you want to. I'm glad you and your fiancé found a way that made him happy. 

OP, I think you should do whatever pleases you two and perhaps take into account how your MIL feels about it too. Whether it is on the invite, program, ceremony, reception - all or none - I think it's up to you two to decide. Letting him honor his father in his way has no impact on the guests.

Not necessarily.  Guests can be confused or have other negative reactions to seeing the names of deceased persons on invitations-especially if the invitations give the erroneous impression that the deceased persons are hosts.

Sorry, but "do whatever you want, it's your wedding" just doesn't work-especially with invitations.  The traditional wording was developed for a reason-it provides the right information in an unconfusing, un-grief-provoking or other negative way. 

How other people feel does indeed need to be taken into account, because as soon as you've involved a single other person in any capacity whatsoever, it's NOT "your" wedding. If you want it to be solely YOUR wedding, then elope.

photokitty

Jen4948 said:

photokitty said:

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

I think something as personal as the passing of a father is a situation that you should do what makes you happy - even if it is not "proper or appropriate." This is not a case of being rude to any of the guests, but rather honoring your parents that way you want to. I'm glad you and your fiancé found a way that made him happy. 

OP, I think you should do whatever pleases you two and perhaps take into account how your MIL feels about it too. Whether it is on the invite, program, ceremony, reception - all or none - I think it's up to you two to decide. Letting him honor his father in his way has no impact on the guests.

Not necessarily.  Guests can be confused or have other negative reactions to seeing the names of deceased persons on invitations-especially if the invitations give the erroneous impression that the deceased persons are hosts.

Sorry, but "do whatever you want, it's your wedding" just doesn't work-especially with invitations.  The traditional wording was developed for a reason-it provides the right information in an unconfusing, un-grief-provoking or other negative way. 

How other people feel does indeed need to be taken into account, because as soon as you've involved a single other person in any capacity whatsoever, it's NOT "your" wedding. If you want it to be solely YOUR wedding, then elope.

If they mention it in the program is could be "grief provoking" or "negative" so I don't really see how that's ok but on an invite is not.

Some situations call for doing what is best for you and hope  your guests are compassionate to your needs. This is not an issue of a cash bar or writing no kids allowed on the invite. If he wants to write his dad's name on his invite then he should. Maybe someone would have negative feeling because his father was left off. 

Fortunately I didn't have to deal with this tough situation and unless someone else has I don't think they should judge what someone does to deal with their loss and grief.

banana468

The deceased don't belong on an invitation. The invitation is to state who is hosting and what the event is. It is not and never has been a place to honor parents.

The proper place to honor the deceased is in a program or perhaps in a photo display at the reception.

Jen4948

photokitty said:

Jen4948 said:

photokitty said:

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

I think something as personal as the passing of a father is a situation that you should do what makes you happy - even if it is not "proper or appropriate." This is not a case of being rude to any of the guests, but rather honoring your parents that way you want to. I'm glad you and your fiancé found a way that made him happy. 

OP, I think you should do whatever pleases you two and perhaps take into account how your MIL feels about it too. Whether it is on the invite, program, ceremony, reception - all or none - I think it's up to you two to decide. Letting him honor his father in his way has no impact on the guests.

Not necessarily.  Guests can be confused or have other negative reactions to seeing the names of deceased persons on invitations-especially if the invitations give the erroneous impression that the deceased persons are hosts.

Sorry, but "do whatever you want, it's your wedding" just doesn't work-especially with invitations.  The traditional wording was developed for a reason-it provides the right information in an unconfusing, un-grief-provoking or other negative way. 

How other people feel does indeed need to be taken into account, because as soon as you've involved a single other person in any capacity whatsoever, it's NOT "your" wedding. If you want it to be solely YOUR wedding, then elope.

If they mention it in the program is could be "grief provoking" or "negative" so I don't really see how that's ok but on an invite is not.

Some situations call for doing what is best for you and hope  your guests are compassionate to your needs. This is not an issue of a cash bar or writing no kids allowed on the invite. If he wants to write his dad's name on his invite then he should. Maybe someone would have negative feeling because his father was left off. 

Fortunately I didn't have to deal with this tough situation and unless someone else has I don't think they should judge what someone does to deal with their loss and grief.

Because invitations are not about "being compassionate."

Look, weddings and invitations are not sequels to funerals.  They are not supposed to be grief-evoking events or solicitations for "compassion" because someone is deceased.  Nobody should expect their guests to be "compassionate" to their needs-that's just not appropriate outside a funeral.  Rather, the couple and hosts should be the ones being "compassionate" to the needs of those they invited that this is supposed to be a happy occasion.
 
Also, invitation wording is not about "honoring" anyone's memory or mapping out the family tree.  The people "honored" by an invitation are the guests, not the bride, groom, bride's parents, groom's parents, or anyone else.

photokitty

Jen4948 said:

photokitty said:

Jen4948 said:

photokitty said:

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

I think something as personal as the passing of a father is a situation that you should do what makes you happy - even if it is not "proper or appropriate." This is not a case of being rude to any of the guests, but rather honoring your parents that way you want to. I'm glad you and your fiancé found a way that made him happy. 

OP, I think you should do whatever pleases you two and perhaps take into account how your MIL feels about it too. Whether it is on the invite, program, ceremony, reception - all or none - I think it's up to you two to decide. Letting him honor his father in his way has no impact on the guests.

Not necessarily.  Guests can be confused or have other negative reactions to seeing the names of deceased persons on invitations-especially if the invitations give the erroneous impression that the deceased persons are hosts.

Sorry, but "do whatever you want, it's your wedding" just doesn't work-especially with invitations.  The traditional wording was developed for a reason-it provides the right information in an unconfusing, un-grief-provoking or other negative way. 

How other people feel does indeed need to be taken into account, because as soon as you've involved a single other person in any capacity whatsoever, it's NOT "your" wedding. If you want it to be solely YOUR wedding, then elope.

If they mention it in the program is could be "grief provoking" or "negative" so I don't really see how that's ok but on an invite is not.

Some situations call for doing what is best for you and hope  your guests are compassionate to your needs. This is not an issue of a cash bar or writing no kids allowed on the invite. If he wants to write his dad's name on his invite then he should. Maybe someone would have negative feeling because his father was left off. 

Fortunately I didn't have to deal with this tough situation and unless someone else has I don't think they should judge what someone does to deal with their loss and grief.

Because invitations are not about "being compassionate."

Look, weddings and invitations are not sequels to funerals.  They are not supposed to be grief-evoking events or solicitations for "compassion" because someone is deceased.  Nobody should expect their guests to be "compassionate" to their needs-that's just not appropriate outside a funeral.  Rather, the couple and hosts should be the ones being "compassionate" to the needs of those they invited that this is supposed to be a happy occasion.
 
Also, invitation wording is not about "honoring" anyone's memory or mapping out the family tree.  The people "honored" by an invitation are the guests, not the bride, groom, bride's parents, groom's parents, or anyone else.

Life's too short - clearly since we are taking about such a sad topic. Do what works best for you. This is not the etiquette board and life is full of gray. Her fiancé wanted it that way and I support his decision. If a guest doesn't or is offended or "grief provoked" over it they can decline the invite.

banana468

photokitty said:

Jen4948 said:

photokitty said:

Jen4948 said:

photokitty said:

clcountry said:

We did

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Father and

Ms. Bride's Mother

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride

to Groom

son of Mrs. Groom's mother

and the late Mr. Groom's father.

 

I think this is a pretty old-fashioned style, but it was very important to my fiancé that his father be listed, so we did it this way.

I think something as personal as the passing of a father is a situation that you should do what makes you happy - even if it is not "proper or appropriate." This is not a case of being rude to any of the guests, but rather honoring your parents that way you want to. I'm glad you and your fiancé found a way that made him happy. 

OP, I think you should do whatever pleases you two and perhaps take into account how your MIL feels about it too. Whether it is on the invite, program, ceremony, reception - all or none - I think it's up to you two to decide. Letting him honor his father in his way has no impact on the guests.

Not necessarily.  Guests can be confused or have other negative reactions to seeing the names of deceased persons on invitations-especially if the invitations give the erroneous impression that the deceased persons are hosts.

Sorry, but "do whatever you want, it's your wedding" just doesn't work-especially with invitations.  The traditional wording was developed for a reason-it provides the right information in an unconfusing, un-grief-provoking or other negative way. 

How other people feel does indeed need to be taken into account, because as soon as you've involved a single other person in any capacity whatsoever, it's NOT "your" wedding. If you want it to be solely YOUR wedding, then elope.

If they mention it in the program is could be "grief provoking" or "negative" so I don't really see how that's ok but on an invite is not.

Some situations call for doing what is best for you and hope  your guests are compassionate to your needs. This is not an issue of a cash bar or writing no kids allowed on the invite. If he wants to write his dad's name on his invite then he should. Maybe someone would have negative feeling because his father was left off. 

Fortunately I didn't have to deal with this tough situation and unless someone else has I don't think they should judge what someone does to deal with their loss and grief.

Because invitations are not about "being compassionate."

Look, weddings and invitations are not sequels to funerals.  They are not supposed to be grief-evoking events or solicitations for "compassion" because someone is deceased.  Nobody should expect their guests to be "compassionate" to their needs-that's just not appropriate outside a funeral.  Rather, the couple and hosts should be the ones being "compassionate" to the needs of those they invited that this is supposed to be a happy occasion.
 
Also, invitation wording is not about "honoring" anyone's memory or mapping out the family tree.  The people "honored" by an invitation are the guests, not the bride, groom, bride's parents, groom's parents, or anyone else.



Life's too short - clearly since we are taking about such a sad topic. Do what works best for you. This is not the etiquette board and life is full of gray. Her fiancé wanted it
that way and I support his decision. If a guest doesn't or is offended or "grief provoked" over it they can decline theinvite.

Oh I'm sorry. I forgot that advising people of the correct thing to do was only to be done on the etiquette board. Here on the invitation board you can do what you want because it's your wedding.

@ photokitty, you can support any decision you desire. Just own the FACT that you're advising the OP to do something that isn't correct.

photokitty

banana468 said:

@ photokitty, you can support any decision you desire. Just own the FACT that you're advising the OP to do something that isn't correct.

banana468

I did. I said it's not the etiquette board. I never said it was proper. In fact I was very clear about.

The OP asked for suggestions and PP said this is what her invites said. 

People need to back off of other's decisions and stop being so judgey. It's not the end of the world if people do things that make them happy and don't hurt anyone - it's not like she wrote "bring cash and a covered dish."

And once again - this is NOT the etiquette board.

banana468

So what if it isn't the etiquette board?! The notion that proper etiquette should only be advised on the etiquette board is beyond stupid.

photokitty

Some people are going to do things that make them happy and not you. So what? We disagree.

You know what, I'm glad people came after me rather than the PP, because clearly you're all saying she and her fiance are rude and improper because he wanted his invitation that way. It's his invitation and I support them.

The notion that the only way something can only be done the way Emily Post says ago is beyond stupid. There are a lot of gray areas and maybe - just maybe this is one.

banana468

And maybe, just maybe you're wrong.

photokitty

Or not. But congrats on being perfect, not even Mary Poppins could pull that off.

It appears this horse - I mean thread - has been sufficiently beaten...moving on.

Happy Thursday

NYCMercedes

@photokitty. You've posted on a forum. "Judgey" is exactly what's going to happen. You expect validation? Don't give bad advice, regardless where you are.

southernbelle0915

The people who get listed on the invitation are the bride and groom and the hosts. Deceased people cannot host a party. Period. Therefore their name can be honored elsewhere. The program is a fine idea. H and I put candle on the registration table with a note in a small frame that said "This candle burns for those who cannot be with us on this special day." It was subtle, yet special. 

Brides come here looking for advice on doing the right thing - bottom line, the only names on the invite are the hosts and the B&G.

clcountry

I hope nobody will be offended or hurt by our invitation, as that was certainly not what I intended. However, I based our wording on Emily Post's guidelines, which say to deal with a deceased parent exactly as we did, so I'm not too worried about this.