favour etiquette

naomiberard

Hi there,

We are having a large wedding (350 for supper) and (another 100 for dance).  We are getting jars of jam made to put at the tables for supper.  Do I need to give a party favour to the dance guests?

MayDay513

naomiberard said:

Hi there,

We are having a large wedding (350 for supper) and (another 100 for dance).  We are getting jars of jam made to put at the tables for supper.  Do I need to give a party favour to the dance guests?

You should give every single one of your guests a favor if you are going to do favors.

I will not even go there about the tiered reception and how rude it is to have people just come to your reception for dancing.

FutureMr&MrsG

From reading several other posts I have learned that favors are optional but it is rude to have a tiered reception.

Simply Fated

naomiberard said:

Hi there,

We are having a large wedding (350 for supper) and (another 100 for dance).  We are getting jars of jam made to put at the tables for supper.  Do I need to give a party favour to the dance guests?

I know that tiered weddings are apparently acceptable in England, but I think they are universally a bad idea.

Here's the thing... no matter what part of the wedding they're invited to, they are STILL guests and should all be treated the same. This goes for favors.

Logistically speaking, favors are usually taken home at the end of the event. The dance party people will be there at the end. It'll be hard to divide who gets and who doesnt during the chaos of everyone gathering their belongings and saying their good byes.

GlassButton

naomiberard said:

Hi there,

We are having a large wedding (350 for supper) and (another 100 for dance).  We are getting jars of jam made to put at the tables for supper.  Do I need to give a party favour to the dance guests?

Yes. All of your guest should get a favor.

NYCMercedes

So you're already being rude to 100 people by telling them they are not allowed to eat with your 350 nearest and dearest, and you want to know if a trinket makes a difference? No. It makes no difference. That ship has sailed.

harper0813

Inviting people only for the dancing portion is considered rude. Imagine the message you're sending them. I would rather not be invited at all than to be told that I'm only permitted to attend a fraction of a wedding reception.

I hope you re-think this.

And yes, every guest should receive a favor.

southernbelle0915

Favors are absolutely optional. I really think you should eliminate the favors try to find it in your budget to provide dinner for the people who aren't invited to that portion of the reception.

What do your invitations to the "dancing guests" say anyway? 

"You have been selected to have the honor of dancing at the tail-end of our reception. Please do not come before 8pm because we will be providing dinner for 350 people who are more important than you. Don't worry, you'll get a jar of jam in case you're hungry."

Obviously, I'm being sarcastic, but no matter how you extend this invitation to "dancing guests", this is what you're basically saying.

mercimarie

From the other side of the argument, we are using our favours as place settings (as FI's gran is making jam) and the tags are the name card. We have only done this for our dinner guests (50), and our 20 evening guests will just have to cry into their unlimited glasses of wine and beer and evening buffet because they didn't get a 4oz jar of jam. I'm pretty sure they'll get over it. 

vk2204

naomiberard said:

Hi there,

We are having a large wedding (350 for supper) and (another 100 for dance).  We are getting jars of jam made to put at the tables for supper.  Do I need to give a party favour to the dance guests?

It is hard to be a 'dance guest' on an empty stomach.

KatWAG

mercimarie said:

From the other side of the argument, we are using our favours as place settings (as FI's gran is making jam) and the tags are the name card. We have only done this for our dinner guests (50), and our 20 evening guests will just have to cry into their unlimited glasses of wine glasses, beer and evening buffet because they didn't get a 4oz jar of jam. I'm pretty sure they'll get over it. 

They might get over it, but it doesnt make what you are doing any less tacky. A ceremony and reception is one event.

Simply Fated

mercimarie said:

From the other side of the argument, we are using our favours as place settings (as FI's gran is making jam) and the tags are the name card. We have only done this for our dinner guests (50), and our 20 evening guests will just have to cry into their unlimited glasses of wine and beer and evening buffet because they didn't get a 4oz jar of jam. I'm pretty sure they'll get over it. 

There shouldn't have to be anything to "get over."
If you can't host all your guests equally, then you should rework your plan so all your guests are invited to the whole reception.

vk2204

mercimarie said:

From the other side of the argument, we are using our favours as place settings (as FI's gran is making jam) and the tags are the name card. We have only done this for our dinner guests (50), and our 20 evening guests will just have to cry into their unlimited glasses of wine and beer and evening buffet because they didn't get a 4oz jar of jam. I'm pretty sure they'll get over it. 

Tell FI's gran to make an extra 20 jars of jam so you won't have crying guests. Alcohol shouldn't be ruined with tears.

NYCMercedes

@merciemarie and @naomiberard, how would you feel if everyone but you and a few others were invited to just the lesser part of the celebration? I would feel like a lesser friend. I think this is a horribly rude idea. You should never tell anybody they're not good enough. You don't go around telling people about parties to which they're not invited to, do you? That's what you're saying: "You're not good enough."

smalfrie19

Personally if I just wanted to go out and dance, I would just go to a club. Then I don't have the obligation of bringing someone a gift.

KatWAG

vk2204 said:

mercimarie said:

From the other side of the argument, we are using our favours as place settings (as FI's gran is making jam) and the tags are the name card. We have only done this for our dinner guests (50), and our 20 evening guests will just have to cry into their unlimited glasses of wine and beer and evening buffet because they didn't get a 4oz jar of jam. I'm pretty sure they'll get over it. 

Tell FI's gran to make an extra 20 jars of jam so you won't have crying guests. Alcohol shouldn't be ruined with tears.

The jars of jam are the less of her worries. She should be worried about treating 20 people has second class friends.

mercimarie

Umm nope, we have 20 people who are distant relatives of FI who have been invited to celebrate our wedding. And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal. 

I have been to a few weddings as an evening guest. I had a great time, we got to celebrate with the bride and groom and we danced the night away. Fun times. Not everyone will agree, and it's certainly not adhering to American Wedding Etiquette. I'm not worried about that, as I'm not getting married in America. I have never internalized it as being told I'm not good enough when I've been an evening guest, but then again the weddings I've gone to have all been pretty laid back. I even paid for my own alcohol once and survived the whole night! ;-)

vk2204

KatWAG said:

vk2204 said:

mercimarie said:

From the other side of the argument, we are using our favours as place settings (as FI's gran is making jam) and the tags are the name card. We have only done this for our dinner guests (50), and our 20 evening guests will just have to cry into their unlimited glasses of wine and beer and evening buffet because they didn't get a 4oz jar of jam. I'm pretty sure they'll get over it. 

Tell FI's gran to make an extra 20 jars of jam so you won't have crying guests. Alcohol shouldn't be ruined with tears.

The jars of jam are the less of her worries. She should be worried about treating 20 people has second class friends.

Well, duh. She thinks her guests will cry from not receiving jam. The jam will keep them from crying, but they will still be pissed/offended/etc. about being a second hand guest. I just do not like to see people cry!

GlassButton

mercimarie said:

Umm nope, we have 20 people who are distant relatives of FI who have been invited to celebrate our wedding. And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal.  

I have been to a few weddings as an evening guest. I had a great time, we got to celebrate with the bride and groom and we danced the night away. Fun times. Not everyone will agree, and it's certainly not adhering to American Wedding Etiquette. I'm not worried about that, as I'm not getting married in America. I have never internalized it as being told I'm not good enough when I've been an evening guest, but then again the weddings I've gone to have all been pretty laid back. I even paid for my own alcohol once and survived the whole night! ;-)

I completely agree with you:

And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal.

KatWAG

GlassButton said:

Umm nope, we have 20 people who are distant relatives of FI who have been invited to celebrate our wedding. And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal.  

I have been to a few weddings as an evening guest. I had a great time, we got to celebrate with the bride and groom and we danced the night away. Fun times. Not everyone will agree, and it's certainly not adhering to American Wedding Etiquette. I'm not worried about that, as I'm not getting married in America. I have never internalized it as being told I'm not good enough when I've been an evening guest, but then again the weddings I've gone to have all been pretty laid back. I even paid for my own alcohol once and survived the whole night! ;-)

I completely agree with you: And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal.

Again, Tradition =/= proper etiquette.

vk2204

GlassButton said:

Umm nope, we have 20 people who are distant relatives of FI who have been invited to celebrate our wedding. And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal.  

I have been to a few weddings as an evening guest. I had a great time, we got to celebrate with the bride and groom and we danced the night away. Fun times. Not everyone will agree, and it's certainly not adhering to American Wedding Etiquette. I'm not worried about that, as I'm not getting married in America. I have never internalized it as being told I'm not good enough when I've been an evening guest, but then again the weddings I've gone to have all been pretty laid back. I even paid for my own alcohol once and survived the whole night! ;-)

I completely agree with you: And you're right, tiered weddings are common place in England. USA =/= universal.

common =/= proper etiquette.

KatWAG

@vk2204, I am developing a girl crush on you.

Simply Fated

Just because something has been done for awhile, doesn't mean it should be continued. Just because something is popular, doesn't make it right.

GlassButton

@KatWAG
@vk2204

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the USA's etiquette rules applied everywhere.

vk2204

KatWAG said:

@vk2204, I am developing a girl crush on you.

My computer is acting stupid (JIC- I said acting, I didn't directly call it stupid so I am not bullying it) so I cannot post a real smiley face. So here is my QWERTY Keyboard smileyface to your post !!!! Have a fabulous evening @katwag, it is time for me to leave work!

KatWAG

GlassButton said:

@KatWAG @vk2204 Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the USA's etiquette rules applied everywhere.

Why yes, hosting your guests properly is universal.

GlassButton

@KatWAG

It honestly differs. Where I'm from there are quite a bit of thing we do differently when hosting guests. I'm also sure in Asia and other parts of the world they do things differently. It doesn't mean they're being improper because their tradition/ culture is different.

In fact, where I'm from it's perfectly acceptable and doesn't break any etiquette rules to ask someone (you just met) about their personal finances (how much they make, their house cost, etc). However, it may be seen as an extremely personal question if you ask someone how they met their spouse.

GlassButton

alisonmarie658 said:

GlassButton said:

@KatWAG
@vk2204

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the USA's etiquette rules applied everywhere.

It's still rude to not properly host ALL of your guests and to treat part of your guest list like second class citizens no matter where in the world you are.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree. If someone did this to me in North America, I would be offended. I also agree that if you invite someone to an event such as this you should feed them.

However, in a region where this is practiced and established, not so much. Also, didn't the royals do something similar to this? They only had 300 guests for the ceremony but 600 guests in the evening or something like that?

Anastasia517

Do you know what is common in Canada?  Dance-only invitations and cash bars.  Do you know what is still rude in Canada? Dance-only invitations and cash bars.

GlassButton

Anastasia517 said:

Do you know what is common in Canada?  Dance-only invitations and cash bars.  Do you know what is still rude in Canada? Dance-only invitations and cash bars.

Is this a joke? You realize I live in Canada.

Dance only invitations are rude, as for cash bars I can't say. If dance only invitations are common in your region then that's your region, but don't say Canada. I've lived in Toronto most of my life and until I joined the knot I finally heard of it.

Are dance only invitations alright somewhere in the world? Maybe. It sounds like it in England or in a region of England at the very least.

southernbelle0915

GlassButton said:

Do you know what is common in Canada?  Dance-only invitations and cash bars.  Do you know what is still rude in Canada? Dance-only invitations and cash bars.

Is this a joke? You realize I live in Canada. Dance only invitations are rude, as for cash bars I can't say. If dance only invitations are common in your region then that's your region, but don't say Canada. I've lived in Toronto most of my life and until I joined the knot I finally heard of it. Are dance only invitations alright somewhere in the world? Maybe. It sounds like it in England or in a region of England at the very least.

I can say... Cash bars are rude. I don't care where you live.