Ring Bearer

linzy85

My fiance and I have decided to have our dog be our ring bearer. He was part of the proposal and he is like our baby so it holds special significance and meaning to us to have him be our ring bearer. It's also part of what will make our wedding represent us.
Our dog is a German shepherd and currently 10 months old. He will be 1 1/2 year at the time of the wedding. He's very content and well trained. So training him to walk down the aisle is not an issue for us.

Now here comes the issue and reason for my post.
Before getting engaged and before our dog came into the picture, it was always the assumption the my best friend's son (who is 3) would be my ring bearer. This is the same as the assumption that my best friend would be my MOH. I was her MOH in her wedding and now she is my MOH :-)
Her and I have never actually discussed the topic of her son being our ring bearer. I think it was always just an assumption because my best friend and I have been best friends for 20 years now and needless to say are like sisters.
And I had also never really discussed with my FI the topic of her son possibly being our ring bearer. I guess it just wasn't one of the wedding topics we discussed (prior to getting engaged).

Well, now that we are engaged and have our baby (dog) and have been planning the wedding, we have decided that it would be very fitting and something we really want, to have our dog be our ring bearer.
The other night this topic came up between my FI and I and I suggested the idea of my best friends son also being a ring bearer, along side with our dog. So basically an idea of having 2 ring bearers but still have our dog be the focused or main ring bearer.

Well, FI wasn't having this at all. He is completely against the idea of having her son be a ring bearer at all.
The reason is for 1) him and my best friend aren't fond of each other to begin with (long story behind that), and for 2) the other reason is that my FI just doesn't feel any sort of bond to her son. When it comes to my little niece (who is one of our flower girls, he does feel a bond with her because my niece has gotten to know him through many family functions and they've had many opportunities to become close and for my niece to come to know who he is.
My best friend, however, she lives in different state and whenever she would come in town and her son would be around myself and my FI, there just was never that bond taking place between her son and FI.

Also, my FI has never really bonded with little kids to begin with. He's just one of those types that bonds more with older kids (like 8 and up).
The main kids that he is close with are his own niece, my little niece and my older nephews.

So, long story short, he's not comfortable with having her son be a ring bearer or not even a secondary ring bearer.

Him and I are definitely on the same page about our dog being THE ring bearer. I definitely want that for our wedding!
I just had the thought that maybe her son could be a secondary ring bearer, but like I said FI isn't cool with that at all.

So....My best friend knows that we are thinking of having our dog be our ring bearer because I post things on my wedding board on Pinterest that display all those ideas.
However, I haven't officially told her definitively that her son will not be our ring bearer or not even a secondary ring bearer.

I've always been the type of person that hates disappointing loved ones.
So hopefully she doesn't take it to heart and doesn't react bad to it.

Just wanted to get other brides/bridesmaids views on this type of topic.

doeydo

I can see where your FI is coming from.  Your friend can still be the MOH and her son can come to your wedding and you can all take pictures together etc. without him being the ring bearer.  I doubt your friend would take any offense since you never promised that her son would be ring bearer.  

linzy85

Oh wait, I forgot one other detail. We are having an adults only wedding (age 13 and up). So the only kids we are allowing are the ones in the wedding. So that's the other part to it, not only telling her that he's not our ring bearer, but that he also can't come at all because we prefer no little kids at the wedding (other than the flower girls).

AddieCake

I hope your dog doesn't get frightened, poop on the aisle, bite anyone, etc. Even the best behaved dogs can be unpredictable in unfamiliar settings and circumstances. I also hope none of your guests are allergic to dogs and get ill at your wedding. And I hope someone is prepared to take him home or take care of him after the ceremony. 

If your fiance doesn't want your friend's son to be the ring bearer, then you shouldn't have him. It's his wedding, too, and he should get a say. 

linzy85

We are confident he won't get frightened. He's not going to poop on the aisle. We're going to be very prepared. He will have already eaten and already been taken outside to go potty before the ceremony. We are going to have someone take him home after the ceremony.

Thank you for your input :-)

LDubHawksFan

You will probably hear this a hundred times but I agree that dogs should not be ring bearers. Especially 1.5 year old ones. My German shepherd was that old at our wedding and there is no way in hell I would have wanted to trust him to be perfect on that day. Dogs are excitable. Will he be ok with that many people? Are you willing to assume the liability if he does bite someone? Even the most well trained dogs could bite if they are totally overwhelmed. Are you outside so anyone with allergies wouldn't have an attack and have to leave your wedding....though being outside could open up problems with an critters your dog may see and run after with your rings in tow. Who is the poor guest who will have to leave your wedding take your dog back to a house, hopefully minutes away? Who will be escorting him down the aisle? Is your fi trusting that he can stand up front and call come?
I know it sounds like a fun idea and everyone kept asking us if our pup would be involved but it just isn't a good idea. The way we had ours involved is we did engagement pics with him which were awesome and we were able to have up at the reception cocktail hour. The day is a whirlwind as is. Let him be comfortably boarded and playing on the day of your wedding instead if being shuttled around and in an anxious situation.

*edit: also some people are incredibly afraid of certain breeds and unfortunately German shepherds are one such breed. If you haven't encountered this while walking your dog, consider yourself lucky. You should want to make your guests as comfortable as possible.*

Ok off the soap box. The main question: I agree with Addie that if your FI doesn't want the boy to be a ringbearer then he shouldn't be. It's both of your wedding. As long as you haven't already told moh that her son would be a part she should understand that you are having a child free wedding.

Jen4948

AddieL73 said:

I hope your dog doesn't get frightened, poop on the aisle, bite anyone, etc. Even the best behaved dogs can be unpredictable in unfamiliar settings and circumstances. I also hope none of your guests are allergic to dogs and get ill at your wedding. And I hope someone is prepared to take him home or take care of him after the ceremony. 

If your fiance doesn't want your friend's son to be the ring bearer, then you shouldn't have him. It's his wedding, too, and he should get a say. 

All of this.  As much as you love your dog, he can't be allowed to hurt anyone or disrupt the proceedings-not to mention that he can't be allowed to eat the rings.

And if your fiance doesn't want your friend's son as ring bearer, then I think you need to honor his decision.

Simply Fated

I'm not going to touch the dog-as-a-ring-bearer thing because I think having any pet in a wedding ceremony is ridiculous. I TOTALLY understand loving your dog like a baby, but just like there are certain places babies shouldn't go, there are some places pets shouldn't go.

I think it's fine not to have the son in the wedding party, though. It's a choice you and your fiance should make together. I am curious to know how your friend will feel about a dog being chosen over her son lol.

I do want to say one thing, though. I know this wasn't asked so please feel free to ignore this buuut...
I think you should invite the son as a guest. I know, I know, super out of character for me. No sarcasm intended. He's not in the wedding party. BUT, his sister is. So while the whole family travels out of state to attend this function, he get's left behind. Normally I actually don't think it's rude to break up families (sorry, not everyone can go where their older siblings go) but his sister and mom are IN the wedding party that's taking place in another state and he can't go because your fiance doesn't bond with children under 8. I'm not saying you should make an exception for him. Again, I'm all for kids free weddings, but some things about this are feeling wrong to me.

vk2204

If you haven't told your friend you wanted her son to be in the wedding, I don't think you need to tell her you don't want him in the wedding.

Also, I wouldn't have a cutoff age. You should invite in circles. So all first cousins get invited regardless of age. It is rude to split up families.

I agree with PP's about reconsidering having your dog in the wedding. Unless your dog has been in a wedding before you cannot be certain of how he will act.

Jen4948

One other thing to think about concerning having a dog in the wedding:

I think dogs can tell when they are around people who are not comfortable with dogs, and that in turn makes the dogs nervous.  Put this in a wedding context and the nervousness can go up by a factor of 10.

PrettyGirlLost

Have you verified with your ceremony site that non-service animals are allowed into the venue and permitted to be a part of the ceremony?

Many places, like churches, do not permit animals, wagons, etc. to be a part of ceremonies for liability reasons, among other things.

NYCBruin

I would really rethink the dog as a ring-bearer thing.  You say you're confident that your dog won't get frightened, but there's no way of knowing how your dog will react in the situation.  Weddings are unlike any other situation your dog has been in before: unfamiliar surroundings, unfamiliar people, etc.  Even though your dog may never have problems in any other situation, you have no way of "guaranteeing" he won't act up on the day of your wedding.  And honestly, your dog will still be a bit of a puppy at the time you get married.

Also, as others have mentioned, consider your guests.  There might be allergies.  There might be guests who are deathly afraid of dogs, or your breed of dog.  There's just a lot that can go wrong.

As far as the friend's son, if your FI doesn't want him to be the ring bearer, I don't think he should be.  However, I would still consider inviting him.  You said your friend lives out of state.  She may not be comfortable leaving her young child at home for the entire weekend.  Yes, sometimes having "rules" regarding children makes for less upset people that their special snowflake wasn't included, but there's no etiquette rule that says you have to.  You don't have to explain to guests what those rules are or why someone else's child was invited when theirs wasn't.  My point is, even if the son is not your ring bearer, you can still invite him and not other children.

WildMagelet

I won't touch heavily on the dog as a ring bearer thing - it's not everyone's cup of tea and the reasons you'll hear against it are valid.  I do think you should wait until closer to the date before definitively deciding though.  At that point you can judge his temperament and how he reacts to training cues in a crowd off-leash.  I know my dog had a bit of a "teenager" rebellious stage around that point in time, and I have a lot of people who are afraid of my Siberian Husky because of how she's shaped (even though she's fairly small compared to a German Shepherd) so in addition to the allergy thing it isn't something I would have considered.

Please please please invite your friends son to the wedding even if you don't want him as a ring bearer. You can invite just the kids of your WP-members and still have it be etiquette-friendly.  His mom should not have to leave her son at home in another state so she can stand up in your wedding.

Dog aside, I think the real question is do *you* have a relationship with the son and want him to be a ring bearer in your wedding?  Both the B&G aren't *required* to have a close-relationship with every WP member.  I'm sure there will be BMs that your FI isn't close to (your MOH is a prime example) and GMs that you aren't close to.  I think the most important thing as a part of the decision is to examine your relationship with the boy, and not your FI's relationship with his mom.  If you don't have a relationship with him and don't want him to be a RB then don't worry about it.  You don't have to tell your friend her son isn't the RB, she'll figure it out when you don't ask him to be.  If you do have a relationship with her son and want him to be a RB then I think that is what you should focus on in your conversation with your FI, and not about the dog or your MOH.

Jen4948

A question about the boy:  Since there is no reason why all of your attendants have to be female, could he stand up with you rather than your FI?

linzy85

Thank you all for your input.

As far as my best friend, she wouldn't leave him in another state, all her family and friends are here in Texas. This is where she lived most of her life.
So she has the option of leaving him with a family member here while attending the wedding.

As far as our dog, I completely disagree with the person who said its ridiculous to have a dog in a wedding! I hear what all of you are saying and all your points of what could go wrong, but we are still going to have him in the wedding.
He has never bitten anyone in his life and we plan to put him in professional training soon to enhance his training above and beyond what we are able to do.

As far as my relationship with her son, I'm sort of close with him. Whenever her and I Skype, she'll say to her son "say hi to Aunt Lindsay".
I consider him to be a nephew and whenever they're in town I spend time with both her and her son. However my best friend has been living in another state for over a year and I don't see them that much and so with her son being only almost 3, he hasn't had enough opportunities to continue to get to know me as well as he knows other people in his life that live near them.

My FI and I will discuss the topic of her son possibly coming as a guest.

PrettyGirlLost

linzy85 said:

 As far as our dog, I completely disagree with the person who said its ridiculous to have a dog in a wedding! I hear what all of you are saying and all your points of what could go wrong, but we are still going to have him in the wedding.

Did you verify with your venue that non service animals are permitted to be a apart of your ceremony?  Again, many places forbid them for liability issues.

NYCBruin

linzy85 said:

Thank you all for your input. As far as my best friend, she wouldn't leave him in another state, all her family and friends are here in Texas. This is where she lived most of her life. So she has the option of leaving him with a family member here while attending the wedding. As far as our dog, I completely disagree with the person who said its ridiculous to have a dog in a wedding! I hear what all of you are saying and all your points of what could go wrong, but we are still going to have him in the wedding. He has never bitten anyone in his life and we plan to put him in professional training soon to enhance his training above and beyond what we are able to do. As far as my relationship with her son, I'm sort of close with him. Whenever her and I Skype, she'll say to her son "say hi to Aunt Lindsay". I consider him to be a nephew and whenever they're in town I spend time with both her and her son. However my best friend has been living in another state for over a year and I don't see them that much and so with her son being only almost 3, he hasn't had enough opportunities to continue to get to know me as well as he knows other people in his life that live near them. My FI and I will discuss the topic of her son possibly coming as a guest.

Just pointing out that just because he hasn't bitten someone, he's also never been in a wedding-like situation before.  You have no way of knowing for sure how he'll act.

And there are other problems not just the dog biting someone: allergies, someone who is scared of dogs, etc.

Finally, double check with your venue because a lot just flat out won't let dogs there.

Jen4948

linzy85 said:

Thank you all for your input. As far as my best friend, she wouldn't leave him in another state, all her family and friends are here in Texas. This is where she lived most of her life. So she has the option of leaving him with a family member here while attending the wedding. As far as our dog, I completely disagree with the person who said its ridiculous to have a dog in a wedding! I hear what all of you are saying and all your points of what could go wrong, but we are still going to have him in the wedding. He has never bitten anyone in his life and we plan to put him in professional training soon to enhance his training above and beyond what we are able to do. As far as my relationship with her son, I'm sort of close with him. Whenever her and I Skype, she'll say to her son "say hi to Aunt Lindsay". I consider him to be a nephew and whenever they're in town I spend time with both her and her son. However my best friend has been living in another state for over a year and I don't see them that much and so with her son being only almost 3, he hasn't had enough opportunities to continue to get to know me as well as he knows other people in his life that live near them. My FI and I will discuss the topic of her son possibly coming as a guest.

However well you've trained him, this is a new situation for him, where he will be in unfamiliar surroundings with people he doesn't know and who don't know him.  Not everyone is a dog-lover.  That doesn't mean that they're dog-haters, but they may not be comfortable around your dog and he may perceive that as threatening.  And someone has to take care of your dog at the reception as well.  What he might do at the wedding is make allergic guests sick, fail to deliver the rings to you at the right time, pee or poop at the wrong time, bark over your vows, eat or damage the rings, run away, jump on or otherwise injure people, or damage things. 

All this is not to mention that maybe your venue won't allow you to bring your dog.

No matter how much you love your dog, while you may disagree with the idea that it's "ridiculous" for your dog to be there, it's also not a good idea.

linzy85

Yes I've already checked with our venue and they allow dogs on their outside terrace which is where our ceremony is taking place.

linzy85

And we plan on having a family member or friend take him home right after the ceremony which is only 10 minutes away, so we've already thought of that part.

Jen4948

linzy85 said:

And we plan on having a family member or friend take him home right after the ceremony which is only 10 minutes away, so we've already thought of that part.

So this family member or friend has to skip some of the festivities to take your dog home?  Not good. 

linzy85

Yeah that particular point I brought up to my FI and expressed that someone would have to miss part of the wedding to do that and he seems confident that we can find someone in the family that won't mind.

I dunno. We'll see as it nears a little closer to the time.

linzy85

Or I'll propose the idea to him of hiring a pet sitter for this particular purpose instead of asking a loved one to do it.

Jen4948

linzy85 said:

Or I'll propose the idea to him of hiring a pet sitter for this particular purpose instead of asking a loved one to do it.

This is a better option, because I would be that every loved one he asks is going to say "Hell no, getting the dog home is your responsibility and not your guests', and if you're not prepared to hire someone, then leave the dog home."

Viczaesar

So what are you going to do about people who are deathly afraid of dogs or highly allergic?

LDubHawksFan

Viczaesar said:

So what are you going to do about people who are deathly afraid of dogs or highly allergic?

Exactly, you haven't addressed the items I, and other pps, have brought up that are out of your control by training the best puppy ever!

I still stand by having your dog being the Rb is a very bad idea, but I will appeal to you. Would you be ok with him being a part of your day in another way? If there is the possibility of hiring a petsitter drop him off at home, what if you just had them bring him during pictures and you and your FI could take a few pictures with him? Then the sitter could drop him back off. No interaction with allergic or fearful guests. Minimal people around to spoke him or give him anxiety. No bothering one of your guests to leave your wedding.

Normally I think that is still a pita and my suggestion is to do e pics with your dog, like we did and then had those pictures up at our venue, but you seem damn adamant about this, so it might be a great compromise for your situation. Please bring up all of these points with your FI and further discuss.

Simply Fated

linzy85 said:

Or I'll propose the idea to him of hiring a pet sitter for this particular purpose instead of asking a loved one to do it.

DEFINITELY go with this plan over asking a guest to do it, even if the guest seems willing.
Even if it's a ten minute drive... that's just one way. To go to your house and back is 20 minutes. Traffic, traffic lights, slow moving vehicles, and finding parking again, etc. 25 minutes? Getting the dog into the car, out of the car, into the house, making sure it's walked... you're looking at your guest missing 30 to 45 minutes of the festivities.

I still hope you'll reconsider using your dog, but if you're hellbent on it, then please hire someone to help instead of relying on guests. The two worst chores a wedding guest can have involve a guest book and a pooper scooper.

linzy85

"So what are you going to do about people who are deathly afraid of dogs or highly allergic?"

I plan to put on our wedding website that our dog will be included in the wedding. So that way guests can be aware and make the decision whether they're able to go or not. I may consider putting it in the invitations too.

 

orangecrush32

linzy85 said:

"So what are you going to do about people who are deathly afraid of dogs or highly allergic?"

I plan to put on our wedding website that our dog will be included in the wedding. So that way guests can be aware and make the decision whether they're able to go or not. I may consider putting it in the invitations too.

 

So you'd rather have your dog at your wedding than your fiance's aunt who is dealthy afraid of dogs. Or his cousin who is allergic. I would be highly offended if I were allergic to dogs and my cousin whom i love dearly and hardly ever get to see decided that having a dog at his wedding was more important than me.

southernbelle0915

My response is probably going to be really morbid, but here it goes anyway... 

Your MOH is probably going to be part of your life for as long as you live. Her son will probably grow up to call you "aunt linzy85". Your kids may grow up to call her "aunt MOH". Your relationship with these people will probably go on for decades. 

Your dog is going to die. Probably in about 10-12 years or so. It will be terribly sad as he's very special. But your life will go on after that for many decades - with your MOH, her son and whatever other family being there for you.

I know it sounds harsh to think about, but when you think about your relationships with PEOPLE and how important they are, I just find it really hard to believe you'd rather include your dog.

Or have your MOH's son be the ring bearer and your dog can be a flower girl. You can put a basket of flowers in his mouth and teach him to dump some out as he walks down the aisle. Problem solved.

linzy85

Oh lord. Seriously? Y'all make this so much more dramatic than it is!!
There are plenty of couples out there who have their dog or more than one dog in their wedding and it turned out fine for them.
I've seen pictures and videos of ceremonies with dogs in them.

Yes there are many concerns that we are going to think about and take into consideration, but shyt everyone is so damn uptight about this topic!!