feeling confused *vent*

Valeriecruz82

Lately I been thinking twice about marrying my fiancé. I love him so much but I feel like in the past year hes changed in ways that remind me of my ex husband. He used to love going out and now he rather stay at home. And when ever I mention going somewhere he always wants to either do something with our son or just stay home. I love that he wants to spend time with our son but I'm at home everyday with him and its nice to have some adult time but it seems like he's never interested.. and when we do go out its because ive been persistant He just seems so much more boring then he was before. I don't want the rest if my life to be like this I used to love going out with him but I don't expect him to change. If this us who he is now it's fine I just don't know if he is for me at this point.

KikiMira

Hmm its hard when someone changes that much. Your best option would be to sit down with him and talk about it. Find out whats going on? Why has he changed? Is he happy?

It may give you answers, but they may not be what you want to hear. Perhaps there is a rational explanation to his desire to stay in - like money issues.  

Kimberlybfpc

Sorry to hear that, I think you just need to weigh the pros and cons and figure out what's right for you. Are you the same age? If not, that might have something to do with it. I know that I personally love staying in now, got my going out partying ways behind me at least 3 plus years ago (I'm 36 now). And my fiancé (hubby next week, who is 34 will be 35 end of Sept) is the same. However, we do make sure to still go out together for dinner and things, but are usually home by 9 (our choosing). You still have quite a bit of time to figure it out. Good luck!

missmo14

Wow Valerie, that sounds difficult. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Are there other factors affecting him 'going out'? For example my FI and I dont go out much because we are saving and paying for the wedding. I've gone back to full time work since having my son, but I totally understand what you mean about wanting to get out if you have been at home all day with the kids. I think it must also be hard for your FI because he doesnt get as much time at home with your son.

Maybe you guys could compromise. FI and I try to have at least 1 date night a month where we go out, just the two of us for dinner and drinks (we dont really go clubbing - but you and FI could maybe do that). I find that works well cos its something to look forward to and stops me from feeling like we never DO anything. Plus it also allows us to save for this stupidly expensive wedding.

At the end of the day though, I think you just need to figure out whether you guys can make it work and if you are suitable for each other. But communication is KING in these sorts of situations.

Valeriecruz82

We talked about it he says he still likes to do things but I know he doesn't cause he's never for us going out together..he says it will happen more but I don't want him to change back just for me cause I know it's not what he really
Wants. I feel like if it's what he wanted it wouldn't always be me trying to convince him. I have a lot to think about.

Valeriecruz82

I'm actually older by 5 years! He will be 25 on Monday. When we met he would go out 2-3 times a week! But now I'm lucky to get him to go out once every 2 months. I asked him if we could leave our son with his mom when we go to Vegas in 2 weeks and he insists on taking him we have the funds to go out he just rather be home I don't get how he's changed. But I'll see what happens.

Valeriecruz82

And I don't think its me cause his best friend has even tried getting him to hang out and he never wants to. It just seems like we have different interests now.

missmo14

Ooohh I dont know about taking your little one on your vegas scouting trip.... really? I know you took your older kids a couple of weeks ago so surely this trip is about you guys having a break together?

Has he told you WHY he doesnt enjoy going out as much? Im 25 now and seriously avoid nightclubs cos of all the douchebags and the crowding and stupidly expensive drinks. Give me a good bar or a beautiful restaurant any day. Is it just the clubs or going out in general that he isnt into?

vegasgroom

How old is the kid?  Honestly I think I'd be looking at it from an opposite perspective, but probably skewed by the fact that Mrs Vegasgroom is preggo now (due in Feb).  Her and I love to party and we go out regularly.  She's the DD now and we still go out pretty often.  However, once she has our kid, I honestly have no plans to keep up partying the way we have been.  I have friends who have kids, some continue to go out a lot, some don't, and those that seem to spend a LOT more time with their kids seem to have kids that are talking sooner, walking sooner, doing activities sooner, so on and so forth, and it's pretty much convinced me that my life is going to get a lot more 'boring' on the surface over the next bunch of years, but hopefully my kid will benefit from it.

Hopefully in our case grandma and grandpa Vegasgroom will come buy us some Vegas time, but I don't think I'd hold it against your FI about wanting to stay in.  Believe me, I'm 37, and he's FAR younger than me, and he sounds like he's at a maturity level that would normally take most guys 5 to 10 years longer to reach, and when kids are involved, that's honestly a good thing.  If I'd have had a kid 10 years ago, I'd have been an absolute horrible parent, whereas now I hope to be a great one.

Just my opinion; I think I'd try to talk out what exactly is going on and would not put as much emphasis on how much time you spend out versus kid time.  I've seen a lot of kids of friends', and my wife sees a lot of kids professionally (MD), and time with them is well spent.

Valeriecruz82

He's 25 but we don't even have dinner or movie dates I'm not trying to go out every weekend or even every other weekend to party I just want some time me and him since I'm with 3 kids 7 days a week. He works and at least he gets to socialize while I'm trying to stay sane being with my kids all day it would be nice for me to suggest something and have him be like yea let's go..but that's never his reaction. I've tried talking to him to find out WHY but he says he doesn't know.

missmo14

Sorry to hijack but congratulations Vegasgroom.

[Deleted User]

Omg VG!!! Congrats!! Sorry I'm hijacking as well...

vegasgroom

Yeah I'd be going a bit stir crazy too if you're at home all the time.  Well there has to be some compromise in that case.  Can you go out on a girls night weekly and leave him at home instead? :-)

Valeriecruz82

Well I really dont think there's more to talk about with him I tried and he just doesn't seem to have much to say other then he wants to be together. I must of been talking for 10-15 min and that's all he could say so before I went to bed I told him I think its best of we broke up and he said nothing. Still this morning he's went on like any other day. He just don't seem to want this maybe that's why he's been acting so differently.

Valeriecruz82

Thanks everyone for your advice and replies

vegasgroom

Wow, yeah that sounds a lot more serious of an issue than your initial post made me think.  I'm sorry you're going through this now after so long, wedding planning, etc.  I wish I had better advice but I don't; I've had past long-term relationships that reached a point where it was obvious it was going nowhere and that was that, but there was never marriage, engagement, kids, homes or anything else complex involved.

ktbabe530

I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru this.  Would you both be open to going and talking to someone?  Perhaps if you had a counselor that could facilitate the conversation they might be able to ask your FI the right questions to get him to figure out why?  

jaime85120

I agree with kt babe. Sometimes an outsider can cut through yo what is really going on, and if things dont go well then at least youll know you have tried everything

Jiimanie

Wow Valerie, so sorry to hear this, I do agree with the previous two posters though, an outside perspective (of a professional) may really help.

Valeriecruz82

Thanks so much everyone we had a long talk after we both calmed down and he seems to be acting differently since we are currently living at his parents and is feeling unhappy about things going on here and is just missing us having our own privacy. We are planning to move out within
The next 2 months. We are going to go look at some places over the weekend.

Knottie1450123632

glad worked it out or at least talked it out.  glad found out real issue good luck with getting new place

ssteele04

@Valerie~ I know you are pissed at me, but when you wrote your thread this is the one that i remember, i'm re-reading the comments and it seems ...and i'm only saying it seems b/c that is what i'm reading like you were having second thoughts even then...you even told him you wanted to break up:( So i apologize if i came across rude, not my intention...it just clicked in my head about this post. Maybe you guys do have a good relationship.