Non-invite RSVPed, delicate situation...

Pepper6

Holy shit guys...an OP that made an etiquette faux pas, didn't call us bitches when we told her she had to find a way to include the husband...and actually listened to advice on how to cut her budget in other places?  Hell must have frozen over! (though I'm sure some ditz will use this as an example of how we're such meanines...)

OP, I'm glad you were able to work everything out!  IMO, pizza and beer is a much funner RD anyways!  For ours, we ate at our favorite BBQ joint, then had everyone back to our house for cake (we got married on my MILs birthday) and Wii.  It was a fun way to relax before the more formal wedding the following day.  Good luck!  Happy wedding!!

MGP

Great advice and great response here from the OP!  I stand by all of it 100%.

Just curious though - what it the "official" etiquette stance on inviting officiants (or any other vendors) and their SO's?

It intrigues me because - I have NEVER gone to a wedding where the officiant attended the reception other than my own.  My FIL is a minister and married us (which was very special and meaningful) so OF COUSE his SO (my MIL) was invited.  When I saw this post I asked him about his own experience and he said that he has never been invited to a rehearsal dinner or reception of any wedding he has officiated.  This could very well be due to his church membership though.  They are from a really small town and I have had my share of etiquette battles with them over the years.  Personally I think etiquette is a must no matter where you come from.  But that's a story for another time.  

Reason I ask is because unless you have a previous social relationship with your officiant, florist, cake decorator, seamstress, or any other vendor who is a part of your pre wedding prep I don't see it wrong to invite them to the wedding, just not sure how I feel about the SO component of it.  Does the "social unit" rule apply then as well?  Personally I just kind of view it as a "work" thing.  When I was working we never invited SO's to happy hours or team building events, partially due to budget but partially because we didn't feel it was necessary.  I understand this isn't exactly the same, just speculating out loud.

Believe me I am ALL for doing the right thing, that's just why I am curious.

LDubHawksFan

I think the officiant is the only "vendor" that I think needs invited with a SO, and their invitation to the reception kind of depends on your relationship vs purely being hired. We invited just him to the RD, and both he and his wife to the reception, though she didn't attend. I think if you require your live music to come to the rehearsal then they get invited to the RD, but I don't think it means extending the invitation to their SO....though I don't know why.

KeptInStitches

Officiants and their SOs should always be invited to the rehearsal dinner (if they are part of the rehearsal) and the reception. I think that if you don't have a previous social relationship with your vendors it's just fine to invite them to the wedding and reception without SOs. "Friendors" I'm not sure about - anyone wiser have anything?

HisGirlFriday13

Our officiant is a Catholic priest, so no SO issue for us! Our DJ is a friend of mine, who has started dating someone, but he is invited solo, because he's there as a vendor, not as a friend. (If he weren't the DJ, he wouldn't be invited at all). 

We invited the organist to the reception only because (a) it's a small town and my mom knows him and wanted to be nice; and (b) it's a small world and he and our priest went to high school together. He can't attend the reception, however. He's single, but he probably would have been invited with an SO if he had one.

The cantor is a dear friend of mine, as is her husband, so they would have been invited to the wedding regardless and were therefore invited together. 

Our photog, who's a good friend, is invited just as himself -- because he's there as a vendor and not as a friend. If he were invited as a friend and not a vendor, we would have invited his wife.

I think the line, for me, is whether we're paying them to be there. If we're paying you, you stop being a social unit and become a vendor, and I only have to invite you, because I'm paying you to be at my wedding. 

hlvonb

My jaw dropped when I read you were not inviting the husband but I am glad to see you are making it work (at least I am assuming you will do 1 or 2 of the suggestions made)

SomethingBeautiful08

Others feel free to correct me if I'm wrong but the way that I see it: Vendors aren't invited to the wedding, they are hired for the wedding.  If you are hiring your officiant, then it is not necessary to give them an invite and thus leaving the SO out of the equation.  If they are close enough for you to want to invite them to the wedding, i.e send them an invitation, then I think the same rules apply as to any other guest, i.e. should also invite their SO.  If anything I think it is even more important that their SO be invited as they are likely to not know many others. 

BMoreBride6

Our officiant is my FI's father so we never had to worry about it...but honestly, I am totally back and forth about whether they need to be invited to the reception or not.

OP, best of luck to you.  The only thing that will matter is that you and FI are getting married!  It will be perfect simply because of that.  

MGP

Interesting perspectives and I get them all. "Friendors" is great snd should be added to Urban Dictionary. For the invite debate - I just keep thinking back to the Father of the Bride movie where the bride wants to invite the wedding planner to the reception and Steve Martin says "so we are paying Franc 10% to plan this thing and the ANOTHER $500 for him and his assistant to come to the reception?" Love that scene!

j-harvey

 

NYCMercedes

If your pastor is your officiant, then you should invite the pastor and spouse.

SP29

I have always been under the impression that the officiant (and his/her spouse) are to be invited to the reception, though this is different from other vendors. 

As when the officiant comes to the reception, he/she is no longer a vendor, but a guest, invite the SO would apply as per guest etiquette. 

crunchymamaof2

We aren't inviting our officiant to our reception. If he was going to be at the rehearsal (he's not, not available that day) him and his SO would be invited to the RD. If our officiant had been someone we knew personally and didn't find through google then him and his SO would have gotten a reception invite. Outside of his other business (he's a lawyer & city councilor,something to that affect, outside of being a JOP) no one at our wedding will know him, and vice versa. If we could swing it he'd be invited, but otherwise, does he really want to sit at a wedding full of strangers?

 

OP- I think it's great that you've found a solution! Please don't ever again listen to the person who gave you that terrible advice in the first place.

loca4pook

Well, unless you want to accidentally OFFEND your priest (and potentially risk her not doing the ceremony), you  need to invite him, otherwise you might just need to be looking for a new person to officiate at the last minute which is harder and WAY more stressful in the longrun.

 

Itsthevix

You DO NOT have to invite him!!! I am a wedding Officiant and I would NEVER EVER expect the couple to accommodate my SO for a wedding that I'm officiating. I'm there to do a job, first and foremost, not to ask them to cater to me. She is your priest, and that's wonderful, but isn't she also your vendor?? If you're paying her ANYTHING, no she does not get a +1. Call her and talk to her and let her know you feel awful, but you're maxed out on your budget and honestly can't accommodate any additional guests. I'm sure she'll understand.

YOU'RE the one who has to live with the decisions you make, not all the people telling you to spend money you don't have.  Don't put yourself in a bad financial position, because your priest is the one being rude here.

For your rehearsal, do you really need one? If your wedding is small and simple, there might not even be a need for it. This is something you can discuss with your Priest when you call her.

 

banana468

Itsthevix said:

You DO NOT have to invite him!!! I am a wedding Officiant and I would NEVER EVER expect the couple to accommodate my SO for a wedding that I'm officiating. I'm there to do a job, first and foremost, not to ask them to cater to me. She is your priest, and that's wonderful, but isn't she also your vendor?? If you're paying her ANYTHING, no she does not get a +1. Call her and talk to her and let her know you feel awful, but you're maxed out on your budget and honestly can't accommodate any additional guests. I'm sure she'll understand.

YOU'RE the one who has to live with the decisions you make, not all the people telling you to spend money you don't have.  Don't put yourself in a bad financial position, because your priest is the one being rude here.

For your rehearsal, do you really need one? If your wedding is small and simple, there might not even be a need for it. This is something you can discuss with your Priest when you call her.

 

@itsthevix, your advice while well intentioned is actually against proper etiquette.

Also, you are not allowed to post on here if you work in the wedding industry. @KnotPorscha?

Itsthevix

We disagree on that point of etiquette but don't worry, it's going around.  From both sides of it, no the Officiant does not get to assume they can bring a guest. It isn't okay. If they're a family friend or something, sure. But just an Officiant? No way. And I would LOVE to see this etiquette book everyone is reading from!

And yes, I'm a professional Officiant, and I'm also a bride-to-be, getting married in the Spring, who joined this side of the knot, when I got engaged. I am both a professional member of the knot and just a bride, like everyone else here (I assume). I'm not advertising for business here. If there is some sort of rule that if you have a certain job, you're not welcome, I'll be sure to rethink that contract I just signed before the three day waiting period is up, because this isn't the place I was lead to believe. But if people just don't like that I'm comfortable disagreeing with them, I would hope that is irrelevant.

KeptInStitches

Miss Manners is the common reference around here. But etiquette is about making people comfortable, and the officiant is definitely the most important person aside from the bride and groom.

banana468

Itsthevix said:

We disagree on that point of etiquette but don't worry, it's going around.  From both sides of it, no the Officiant does not get to assume they can bring a guest. It isn't okay. If they're a family friend or something, sure. But just an Officiant? No way. And I would LOVE to see this etiquette book everyone is reading from!

And yes, I'm a professional Officiant, and I'm also a bride-to-be, getting married in the Spring, who joined this side of the knot, when I got engaged. I am both a professional member of the knot and just a bride, like everyone else here (I assume). I'm not advertising for business here. If there is some sort of rule that if you have a certain job, you're not welcome, I'll be sure to rethink that contract I just signed before the three day waiting period is up, because this isn't the place I was lead to believe. But if people just don't like that I'm comfortable disagreeing with them, I would hope that is irrelevant.

Check out the terms of service that you agreed to when you signed up.

Maggie0829

@banana468 I believe that a person in the wedding industry can post on here as a member as long as they do not advertise their services or make reference to their work in any other capacity then as an example of what to do/not to do.  Like for example, if I were working as a florist in the wedding field I could offer advice and ask questions as long as those questions and advice did not include "oh by the way, if you need flowers in the Baltimore area use X florist".  KWIM?  Just because someone works in the wedding industry doesn't mean that they cannot post here at all.  They just cannot promote their services or company.

Itsthevix

Just spoke with Laura at the Knot and she confirmed that yes, even though I happen to be an Officiant, I still happen to also be a Bride and am welcome to use all of the Bride features, including the forums. As long as I don't advertise here for business (which I have no intention to do, I pay for my advertising) it isn't an issue. But thanks for your concern!

Have a great day!

 

banana468

Maggie0829 said:

@banana468 I believe that a person in the wedding industry can post on here as a member as long as they do not advertise their services or make reference to their work in any other capacity then as an example of what to do/not to do.  Like for example, if I were working as a florist in the wedding field I could offer advice and ask questions as long as those questions and advice did not include "oh by the way, if you need flowers in the Baltimore area use X florist".  KWIM?  Just because someone works in the wedding industry doesn't mean that they cannot post here at all.  They just cannot promote their services or company.

It has varied in how the KGs want to enforce the rule. Ultimately, the last time a banning took place for a long standing member, KGs said that you cannot mention at all on the boards if you work in the wedding industry even if you're also a bride.

tammym1001

We are inviting our officiant, but he is also the priest at our church and there's no way we would ask him to perform our wedding ceremony and not invite him to the reception afterwards to celebrate with us and our family. He is genuinely happy for us and wants to celebrate with us though because he knows us outside of our wedding. If we had just paid some random officiant to perform our wedding ceremony then they would be a paid vendor and I wouldn't invite them to the reception and I would hope they wouldn't expect to be invited.

PhoneCardLady

Have pizza for the rehearsal dinner and do it at home.  Problem solved.

lavender89

Ditch the centerpieces - even $10 each can add up.  and just use a few votives on each table?