Bridal Shower requests money... vent alert

JCbride2015

Ugh ugh ugh.  Just received a bridal shower invitation with a note attached to the effect of, "Please don't be offended, but we already live together and don't need gifts.  Please give cash gifts to be used for the honeymoon."  It was made up into an annoying little poem but I can't seem to find the piece of paper right now.

This shower is for a childhood friend of my fiancé, whom I haven't seen in several years (she moved cross country) and have never been close to.  She's having a destination wedding, over strong objections from all of her family and friends from her hometown, which we are invited to but probably can't afford to attend.  Frankly, that seems like the intention.

Getting this invitation with a request for cash strikes me as rude and money-grubbing, especially because I am not close to her.  I feel like I'm only being invited in the hopes I'll give her money.  FYI, I'm in law school and giving any amount of money would be a hardship.  I could perhaps afford $25-50 for a close friend.

Should I just send regrets?  Am I being petty about this?

Jen4948

I'd decline the invitation.

No, you're not being petty.  Cute little poems just aggravate the offense.

RebeccaB88

Not petty. I would decline and not feel bad about it.  

grumbledore

I would absolutely decline.  There is no point to a shower where no physical gifts are given.  And given the details you've provided, you are probably right about the reason for the DW.

JCbride2015

Thanks everyone.  The only wrinkle is that it might offend my FMIL if I decline, or she might just want me there so she has someone to talk to.  I'll ask her and see what she's planning to do.  I expect she's equally annoyed about the cash request.

mimiphin

Either decline or see if you can find Beyonce's sister!

For those who don't know the story Google "Beyoncé the metal chicken" It's the first blog to come up titled "And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles"

JCbride2015

Hahahaha just read that blog.  And yeah, it wouldn't be the totally worst thing if I went.  I just feel sort of embarrassed I can't afford to give a more sizable gift than about $25.  I would rather give her a kitchen gadget in my budget, at least then it would be an object instead of a lame check.

katieg520

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

mimiphin

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude.

ETA: This isn't directed at you KatieG, just in general, Sorry if it comes off harsh, is not my intention

JCbride2015

That's another thing to think about... this shower is going to get super awkward.  Who wants to just watch her open up envelopes full of cash/checks?  Or maybe she will not open them at all?  This now makes me even more uncomfortable about going and giving a small gift, and having it opened in front of everyone.

katieg520

mimiphin said:

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude! 

I said we ARE registering. Our shower is a "couples shower" in order to avoid having two different showers. I am aware that in other parts of the country, the grooms don't get showers. However, here, the grooms get what is called a "Honey-Do" shower so he can fill his garage or get other things he may want specific to the groom only.

JCbride2015

katieg520 said:

mimiphin said:

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude! 

I said we ARE registering. Our shower is a "couples shower" in order to avoid having two different showers. I am aware that in other parts of the country, the grooms don't get showers. However, here, the grooms get what is called a "Honey-Do" shower so he can fill his garage or get other things he may want specific to the groom only.

I have this same attitude for when it comes time for us to register (which won't be for several months).  We've been living together for a while, but we are still planning to register.  If people choose to give cash instead, that's fine, but it would be really rude to just ask for the cash.  And if somebody wants to give cash, they'll do it at the wedding.  Showers are for boxed gifts, things that are fun to open and then you think of the giver when you use it later.

And for the record, I think part of why this bride wants cash is because she lives in CO and the shower is in NJ.  I might have given a gift card with that consideration in mind, so she isn't bringing gifts across the country.  But now that she's actually asked for the money, I just feel skeeved out.  She chose to accept a shower far from home, it's not fair to ask others for cash to make your own life easier.

[Deleted User]

Where can I register for a giant metal chicken?

JeeGooDowster

DECLINE. Although I am an advocate of cash gifts at weddings (thought i don't believe you should ask for cash under ANY circumstance)...bridal showers are for boxed gifts to be "showered" on the bride....as a PP said, cutesy poems just add more to the annoyingness of the request.

antibride2013

Decline the invite.  Once again-It is RUDE TO ASK FOR MONEY! I think you are spot on with your thinking that you only got a invite because the bride is wanting more money.  Yuck.

grumbledore

TexasBride2014 said:

Where can I register for a giant metal chicken?

If you haven't read that blog, I highly suggest it.  It's one of the funniest things I'd read in a long time when I originally encountered it.

ashleyep

Aren't the point of destination weddings that you combine your wedding and honeymoon into one? Why would you go to a tropical island for your wedding and then go somewhere else for your honeymoon?

So isn't that basically asking for money to pay for her wedding?

nsweare

mimiphin said:

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude.

ETA: This isn't directed at you KatieG, just in general, Sorry if it comes off harsh, is not my intention

Since when does "not registering" equate to "no shower?" You realize people had showers prior to the invention of a registry? People are perfectly capable of picking out a boxed gift without a registry. It's never rude to NOT register. It's rude to ask for money. But not registering doesn't mean you can't have a shower and receive lovely hand-picked gifts.

JCbride2015

ashleyep said:

Aren't the point of destination weddings that you combine your wedding and honeymoon into one? Why would you go to a tropical island for your wedding and then go somewhere else for your honeymoon?

So isn't that basically asking for money to pay for her wedding?

YES this is exactly what I'm thinking.  DW and cash bridal shower just means she wants money.

Complicating matters: just texted FMIL and she is defending this girl.  FMIL says the bride lives in CO and can't carry gifts (I think that doesn't matter), and she probably won't open the gifts so it won't be embarrassing for me to give only $25.  But... but... why are we having a shower if all she wants is money and she isn't opening the gifts?

Should I just suck it up and go, to avoid conflict with FMIL?  This is her best friend's daughter.

grumbledore

nsweare said:

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude.

ETA: This isn't directed at you KatieG, just in general, Sorry if it comes off harsh, is not my intention

Since when does "not registering" equate to "no shower?" You realize people had showers prior to the invention of a registry? People are perfectly capable of picking out a boxed gift without a registry. It's never rude to NOT register. It's rude to ask for money. But not registering doesn't mean you can't have a shower and receive lovely hand-picked gifts.

I think you can have a shower if you're not registered, but it's much easier for guests if you do register so they know what you could/would use.

Asking for cash is ALWAYS rude, as you said.

Jen4948

nsweare said:

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude.

ETA: This isn't directed at you KatieG, just in general, Sorry if it comes off harsh, is not my intention

Since when does "not registering" equate to "no shower?" You realize people had showers prior to the invention of a registry? People are perfectly capable of picking out a boxed gift without a registry. It's never rude to NOT register. It's rude to ask for money. But not registering doesn't mean you can't have a shower and receive lovely hand-picked gifts.

Registries are not necessary for showers-showers have been held before registries were ever invented.  There is no requirement that couples do pre-selections of gifts they want to receive.  Guests are perfectly free to select whatever gifts they wish to give the couple without a registry.

The rules of showers are 1) anyone invited to a shower must be invited to the wedding, 2) showers need not to be hosted by the couple or close relatives, because that has the appearance of a gift grab.  But etiquette does not link acceptability of showers to the existence of a registry and never has.

nsweare

grumbledore said:

nsweare said:

mimiphin said:

katieg520 said:

I have been having this discussion with my fiance. He thinks it's totally fine to ask people for money. I, however, realize you can't just ask people to give you money bc then, at the shower, when we are opening up cards, if someone gives $25 and another gives $100, it might make the $25 giver uncomfortable. So I told him that there is no way we are asking for money. We will be registering for a few things we need and would like to have. If people buy is something, cool. If not, that's cool too because we already live together.

If you don't register you don't get a shower, a shower is to "Shower the bride" with gifts, No gifts no shower.

Also asking for money is very rude.

ETA: This isn't directed at you KatieG, just in general, Sorry if it comes off harsh, is not my intention

Since when does "not registering" equate to "no shower?" You realize people had showers prior to the invention of a registry? People are perfectly capable of picking out a boxed gift without a registry. It's never rude to NOT register. It's rude to ask for money. But not registering doesn't mean you can't have a shower and receive lovely hand-picked gifts.

I think you can have a shower if you're not registered, but it's much easier for guests if you do register so they know what you could/would use.

Asking for cash is ALWAYS rude, as you said.

It's absolutely easier, I agree. I was more challenging the idea that no registry means no shower. That is completely inaccurate.

thisismynickname2

I hate this. Decline. The point of a shower, as others have said, is to shower the bride with gifts.  If you want a party with female family and friends, call it a bridal tea or something, not a shower.

I was invited to a local "shower" (two actually, one for her wedding and then one for her baby) for a friend that had moved out of state. Both invites asked for guests to ship the gift to their home out of state and bring a picture of the gift in the card.

People brought gifts anyway, but so stupid to do that. People give gifts, money or boxed, hand-given or shipped, for weddings anyway! Come the eff on people, stop with the non-shower showers!!!!  

LDubHawksFan

JCBride2014 said:

ashleyep said:

Aren't the point of destination weddings that you combine your wedding and honeymoon into one? Why would you go to a tropical island for your wedding and then go somewhere else for your honeymoon?

So isn't that basically asking for money to pay for her wedding?

YES this is exactly what I'm thinking.  DW and cash bridal shower just means she wants money.

Complicating matters: just texted FMIL and she is defending this girl.  FMIL says the bride lives in CO and can't carry gifts (I think that doesn't matter), and she probably won't open the gifts so it won't be embarrassing for me to give only $25.  But... but... why are we having a shower if all she wants is money and she isn't opening the gifts?

Should I just suck it up and go, to avoid conflict with FMIL?  This is her best friend's daughter.

I would just tell your FMIL what you said here. The bride chose to accept a shower that was a destination. My BMs threw a shower for me back home in IA, and I live in CA. I made site that I had a large suitcase to bring gifts back with me, or was prepared to ship them back. It's ride to ask for $ and its rude to ask guests to incur additional costs to shower the bride, like if the bride had asked for the gifts to be sent home and just opened pictures of what people bought her.

Oh and I would still decline!

APDSS22

The moving to a different state thing is exactly why I did not want to have a shower (and ended up not having one and perfectly happy).  Anyone who would host one for me would've been in a different state and I would've had to drag all the gifts back to my lair (urm...house) in a plane or possibly a car.  Too much hassle for everyone.  And asking for money at a shower is weird.  You can't get too excited as a guest about different envelopes of cash and checks that the bride is opening unless people start using foreign currency and that's just unnecessarily complicated.

If I were you, OP, I'd decline saying you need to be doing something else that day.  Maybe send a lovely card with a handwritten warm wishes sentiment?  (If you feel like it.)

Also, I love Beyonce the giant metal chicken and use it frequently as an example of why a small registry might be a good idea.  You can get the weirdest things that people think you want if you don't give some sort of guideline for those guests that just need to give you a boxed gift (taxidermy shops, anyone?). If you're into having a pile of strange presents that might be hard to return, don't register and hope your guests get creative.  Otherwise, the registry is really for your guests so they don't have to sit on their couches surfing the internet to try to get you the "perfect gift".  Sure, some might go off-registry anyway or re-gift the extra blender they got at their own wedding and forgot to return but at least the clueless ones will have a starting place.

mimiphin

To me if someone doesn't have a registry it's becasue they just want cash, unless they have one of those "stock the house" parties where people are told to bring something for the kitchen, living room, bedroom ect. I expect that people wouldn't bring a boxed gift and everyone is just going to be siting around watching the bride open card after card and waving bills in the air.

Just my opinion. 

 

 

STARMOON44

I'd decline because it sounds like you barely know this woman. I only attend showers if I'm close to the bride. If not I have other things I'd rather do.

manateehugger

Decline. It's not that freaking hard to spend an hour in Target scanning towels, sheets, and random kitchen gadgets.

Dreamergirl8812

Decline.

JCbride2015

Grr.  I just called my FMIL and she guilted me into going because this girl is "like family, and you're our family now."  It's hard to argue with that.  We had a good little vent over how rude the cash request was, though.  

I asked FMIL if I can add to a joint gift with her and FSILs.  At least that's a way to avoid awkward moments when bride opens my tiny gift.

So, it looks like I'm going to go to make FMIL happy.  It also sounds like this request came from the bride's really rude and overbearing mother, so FMIL pointed out not to punish the bride because her mom is nutso.

SP29

I like your thinking (and was going to suggest) of adding your gift in with FMILs with a card signed from both of you. I think it would be appropriate since you do not know this woman very well and are going as an ambassador of "your family" versus going as a guest of the bride.