irritated with BM's

ashley1721 · November 2010

ok, so I chose my bridesmaids a few months ago, and the middle of sept. I asked all of them to take one day to go and try on the dresses I liked that way I could have them all decide which ones they liked. All of my girls decided on a dress that they liked, the price is $140 but with $20 off since I already bought my dress. They were told that the dresses needed to be ordered & paid for by end of feb, beg of march, I have had a few of my girls tell me that they coudnt afford to buy their dress. The thing that irritates me is that I have given them several months notice of the dress and the price, and also that the one's that say they cant pay for their dress spends their money on other things, like partying (buying alcohol) almost every weekend, and paying i think $150 on just their halloween costume.Am I right to be upset over this??

MairePoppy · November 2010

No, you are not right. You have no right to monitor how your bms spend their own money.

You should ask each of the bms, privately, what their dress budget is for your wedding. Then you should find something for the lowest amount. If you go over the girls budgets, you should pay the difference.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

If someone has to save up to be in your wedding, you've made it too expensive. It's not your business how they spend their money. Since they've told you that they can't afford this, find out what they CAN afford and go from there.

Kate504 · November 2010

I'm just going to be honest and say that I've never been asked how much I could spend on a BM dress. I've paid $85-300 for them. Not including shoes, hair makeup, etc. The only reason the one dress was $85 was because the bride's dad owned a fabric store and donated the fabric for the dresses and we had them made.

Needless to say, I have always to pay $50 more than everyone for extra length and b/c i'm "plus sized".

NillaWafer10 · November 2010

Can they find the dresses on ebay? I know lots of BM's sell their dresses after weddings.

twihard08 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:b35d5f14-05f2-4661-9ae6-2cf2558bdcb6">irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, so I chose my bridesmaids a few months ago, and the middle of sept. I asked all of them to take one day to go and try on the dresses I liked that way I could have them all decide which ones they liked. All of my girls decided on a dress that they liked, the price is $140 but with $20 off since I already bought my dress. They were told that the dresses needed to be ordered & paid for by end of feb, beg of march, I have had a few of my girls tell me that they coudnt afford to buy their dress. The thing that irritates me is that I have given them several months notice of the dress and the price, and also that the one's that say they cant pay for their dress spends their money on other things, like partying (buying alcohol) almost every weekend, and paying i think $150 on just their halloween costume.Am I right to be upset over this??
Posted by ashley1721[/QUOTE]

On one hand you are wrong, because it really is none of your business how they spend their money. BUT you are right to be irritated. If they gave their word they would pay you by a certain time and said that they would pay the price for it but are now backing out, yes you have the right to be mad. If your BM's didn't ask you how much it was going to cost or explain to you that they need a lower budget it is not your fault if now they have spent all their money and can't pay for a dress!

I am so sorry this happened to you! I told all my bridesmaids that if they are still gonna be my BM's when the time comes that they all had to buy their own dresses.

twihard08 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:33f4233c-86f0-450a-9ded-84479b2d736f">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]Can they find the dresses on ebay? I know lots of BM's sell their dresses after weddings.
Posted by NillaWafer10[/QUOTE]

That's a great idea! I think I will tell my girls to do the same thing if they don't want to keep theirs when this is all said and done! :)

golden1215 · November 2010

If you asked them their budget ahead of time and found a dress in that range and they are backing out now, you have a right to be upset, but you cant really be mad because life happens.

If you didnt ask them their budgets, you cant be mad- they could actually be mad at you for putting them in an ackward position- and you'll need to find something cheaper.

LowerEastSiiide · November 2010

It's BS that they can't afford a $120 dress. Are you sure that's the real issue. PP was right, it's a little early to be frustrated but if they are saying they can't afford it and they aren't going to try to afford it, then tell them they don't have to be in the wedding if that's what they really want. It's not fair that she would have to go cheaper- if that even exists. It's $120 that's like 2 dinners out or a sweater. What's the real issue?

snwilson0416 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:904f6e9a-2647-4385-be75-2c9c4c7a8e40">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]It's BS that they can't afford a $120 dress. Are you sure that's the real issue. PP was right, it's a little early to be frustrated but if they are saying they can't afford it and they aren't going to try to afford it, then tell them they don't have to be in the wedding if that's what they really want. It's not fair that she would have to go cheaper- if that even exists. It's $120 that's like 2 dinners out or a sweater. What's the real issue?
Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]
Wow, you're kind of ridiculous. $120 is more like four to six dinners out for me and FI. and like six to ten sweaters for me. You clearly have no concept of money troubles. I really hope you're just trying to be ridiculous and don't actually think this way.

ashley1721 · November 2010

sorry I probably should have explained it a little better, all of the girls were told at the beginning that I could not afford to buy their dresses, and they had a few different options of dresses and they knew the prices of all of them, and decided on the dress together. and I completely understand that the way they spend their money is up to them, the only reason why it irritates me is because they sit there and say they now wont be able to afford it by early march and they just spend their money on other things, if the previous discussions hadnt been made than I would see why it would be ridiculous for me to be irritated. it just kind of makes me feel like they dont even care to be apart of something this big for me.

LAJ023 · November 2010

I don't think $120 is unreasonable for a dress, especially if they had agreed on the dress/price and knew at that time they would have to buy the dress in Feb/March. They still have three-four months to save. I'd be irritated too!

sister2groom · November 2010

See I would think it's annoying that they picked out the dress knowing then price and now can't afford it. However, if you didn't ask them their budget ahead of time, then they may not have wanted to bring that up among the other BMs and may have gone for a cheaper option among the too-expensive options they were given. Why not ask them now what their budget is? If the difference is going to be something like $15 maybe get them slightly less nice BM gifts and help them out with the dress.

JJWillis3 · November 2010

I completely understand your frustration. It sound like you have been trying to work with them and it sounds like you have been listening to what they have to say. It's not your fault if they were too worried to speak up and say they couldn't afford it. My BM dresses are the same price. I honestly think that is a VERY good price!

I think that you are doing the right thing by venting on here! lol Get out the frustrations with us.. see other people's opinions... but then you need to talk to them. It might be good to talk to them one on one and one at a time. No emails, no texts, etc. Let them know that they mean a lot to you and that's why you want them there, standing next to you on a day that is so important to you. Let them know that you want to do what you can to help. Then if you can help financially (whether it be taking money that was supposed to go towards their gift and putting it towards the dress, etc) then so be it. But if that is what you are going to do then should let them know that is you game plan. Otherwise the time will come where everyone gets their gift and they don't have one, or they have a smaller one.

To avoid something like that you could get everyone different gifts. That way you aren't getting everyone matching neckalces and then one girl gets a .... tote bag or something.

I hope this helps. Keep your chin up. These are your friends. Talk to them.

marissa_claire · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:f289b8e8-0b9f-43f1-be8b-bbf590098eb7">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]So you didnt' actually ask for their budgets privately before presenting them with specific dress options? Then, yeah, you don't really have a right to be irritated.<strong> It's really hard to admit that you can't afford something in front of a group.</strong> Even if several of them had issues with the dress prices, they may not have realized that others shared their feelings until later. And no one wants to be "that" BM who tells the bride no. And by the way, your "only reason" for being irritated is still none of your business. If they tell you they can't afford the dress and then go out and buy a $200 pair of bright green bunny house slippers next week? It still won't be your business.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This was kind of my thought. If they were in a group when they chose the dress, then odds are some people couldn't afford it but didn't want to express that in front of the group. </div><div>
</div><div>I never see why the bride gets so up in arms over this. Have them give you suggestions. Ask them to find a few dresses in their price range and see what you think. You're not buying the dress and you're not wearing it, so you should at least be open to suggestion.

</div>

jessienjeremy · November 2010

I agree its none of your business what their money situation is. Also though I can see why your frusterated but as people said march is still a ways off. They could only save $40 a month and still be able to get it in time. I told my bridesmaid to pick a dress. I told them the color and they all agreed on the same one. It was actually the same price $120. I told them the date they need to order it by and left it up to them. They all ordered them on time. If you are truly concerened talk to each one individually and maybe go look together and try to find one cheaper.

smsimpson · November 2010

I can understand why you are frustrated. I would be too in your situation. It's a let down to find out that your closest friends would rather spend money on drinking then to stand up with you at your wedding.

mattycam · November 2010

On the positive side, you still have a few months before a deposit is required. You may even find a better, more affordable dress during this time. I do not think $120 for a BM dress is unreasonable but as mentioned before finances change. From now until your wedding, your finances can change (hopefully it doesn't) but if that was to happen, you make the necessary adjustments to your situation. Same applies here.

ashley1721 · November 2010

Thank you everyone for your honest opinions. I have alot to think about before I make any decisions.

slhbride9 · November 2010

Tell them to file early and use their income tax return to buy it! That is usually "extra" money that people do not budget away 4 months in advance. Also, if they decided on they dress with others and are now backing out, you wont be the only frustrated one...especially if others have already made their purchase. $120 is completely acceptable for a BM dress...Maybe if they still pitch a fit, allow them to wear their own shoes, and cut down as many "other" costs as possible. Be sincere, but firm when you break it to them that you are not changing the dress. Some dress shops might have payment plans?

jenn.daniel · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:baa1d48b-8aa5-4e51-8187-cd52ecdbe316">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell them to file early and use their <strong>income tax return</strong> to buy it! That is usually "extra" money that people do not budget away 4 months in advance. Also, if they decided on they dress with others and are now backing out, you wont be the only frustrated one...especially if others have already made their purchase. $120 is completely acceptable for a BM dress...Maybe if they still pitch a fit, allow them to wear their own shoes, and cut down as many "other" costs as possible. Be sincere, but firm when you break it to them that you are not changing the dress. Some dress shops might have payment plans?
Posted by slhbride9[/QUOTE]

I've owed the govt money for the past 3 years. Not everyone gets money back.

And to the girl who said $120 buys one sweater, that's about 8 sweaters for me. Not everyone can drop over $100 on an item of clothing.

ashley1721 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:ae17b6fd-f638-4bd4-92f4-29d4f9d5f0ab">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: irritated with BM's : I would normally agree, except they picked out the dress in a group <strong>without prior budget consultation</strong>. I've been in that boat before, and when the other 3 BMs and bride are all squeeing over dresses that are out of your budget, it's REALLY hard and embarrassing to be the one who says "Yeah, that's really pretty, but I can't afford it. Can we look at these much plainer, more boring dresses over here on this rack?" But, I do agree with the actual advice you've given.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Thats not exactly correct, when I sat down with each of the girls (one on one) to ask if they would like to be one of my bridesmaids, i told them right then and there that I could not afford to buy their dresses, and each one agreed when I talked to them. If they had any bidget issues, dont you think they would have said something then?

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

If the words "How much are you comfortable spending on a bridesmaid dress?" didn't come out of your mouth, you did not consult them about their budgets. Especially if several of your girls are coming to you with complaints, you did it wrong, and it's on you to figure out a way to make it work.

LowerEastSiiide · November 2010

Are you kidding me? Any reasonable person would assume they are spending at least $120 on a DRESS. I would assume the average cost of a BM dress is $250. Unless your bridal party is 15 or mentally challenged, it is a reasonable expectation that comes with accepting the position. I never heard of having "private meetings" with bridesmaids to discuss budgets. Some people are so ridiculous.

banana468 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:92158a07-ce28-4406-bc0b-ae829bbc92ca">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you kidding me? Any reasonable person would assume they are spending at least $120 on a DRESS. I would assume the average cost of a BM dress is $250. Unless your bridal party is 15 or mentally challenged, it is a reasonable expectation that comes with accepting the position. I never heard of having "private meetings" with bridesmaids to discuss budgets. <strong>Some people are so ridiculous.
</strong>Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

I think I'm seeing a ridiculous train of thought right now.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:92158a07-ce28-4406-bc0b-ae829bbc92ca">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you kidding me? <strong>Any reasonable person would assume they are spending at least $120 on a DRESS.</strong> I would assume the average cost of a BM dress is $250. Unless your bridal party is 15 or mentally challenged, it is a reasonable expectation that comes with accepting the position. I never heard of having "private meetings" with bridesmaids to discuss budgets. Some people are so ridiculous.
Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]
I think your definition of reasonable is severely out of whack. In my experience and time on the boards, the average price for a bridesmaid dress is around $150-175. Except where weddings are concerned, I have never spent $100 on an item of ordinary clothing in my life, and I'm not sure I know anyone who has. Clearly you (or more likely Daddy) are wealthy, and that's fine, but presuming that anyone who doesn't share your skewed financial outlook is "ridiculous" is just kind of douchey.

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:92158a07-ce28-4406-bc0b-ae829bbc92ca">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you kidding me? Any reasonable person would assume they are spending at least $120 on a DRESS. I would assume the average cost of a BM dress is $250. Unless your bridal party is 15 or mentally challenged, it is a reasonable expectation that comes with accepting the position. I never heard of having "private meetings" with bridesmaids to discuss budgets. Some people are so ridiculous.
Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

<div>You need to smoke less crack. Most people wear BM dresses that cost less than 100. 250 is outrageous.</div><div>
</div><div>But still not as outrageous as putting a piece of clothing ahead of a friendship, which is what this OP is doing. It's just plain sad how materialistic people really can be. </div>

ashley1721 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:bfa5ed63-2160-4205-a680-f4e271538f4a">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: irritated with BM's : You need to smoke less crack. Most people wear BM dresses that cost less than 100. 250 is outrageous. But still not as outrageous as putting <strong>a piece of clothing ahead of a friendship, which is what this OP is doing</strong>. It's just plain sad how materialistic people really can be.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

whoa, Im not putting a bridesmaid dress or any peice of clohting ahead of my friendships whatsoever, I was slightly irritated so I was venting and posted on here, thats what these boards are here for, everyone has their own opinion and I expect to get honest opinions back, and thats why you normally post here, to get what other people think, but when it comes to the type of person I am, you have never met me and for you to say that im a materialistic person and I would put a meterialized item in front of my friendships is <strong>outrageous! </strong>My friends and family mean more to me than anything you could buy in this world.<strong> </strong>If someone posts on here i give my honest opinion unless its about who they are because I have never met any of the ladies on this site, so I cannot judge them, I would appreciate the respect back that I am not judged as a person by something Im irritated about.

LowerEastSiiide · November 2010

So when you accept the position of a birdesmaid, you don't think that comes along with spending about $150 for a dress? I've only been in family weddings, mostly as a junior bridesmaid and my mom obviously bought my dresses, so maybe my $250 is off or maybe they just charge more in my area... whatever. Regardless, no reasonable person would expect to spend less than $100 on a birdesmaid's dress. If they couldn't afford it, they should have declined. Also, I definitely didn't grow up with "daddy's credit card," I just like to dress nicely.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:792c55d5-d8ac-4c54-b350-287832c47027">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>So when you accept the position of a birdesmaid, you don't think that comes along with spending about $150 for a dress?</strong> I've only been in family weddings, mostly as a junior bridesmaid and my mom obviously bought my dresses, so maybe my $250 is off or maybe they just charge more in my area... whatever. Regardless, no reasonable person would expect to spend less than $100 on a birdesmaid's dress. If they couldn't afford it, they should have declined. Also, I definitely didn't grow up with "daddy's credit card," I just like to dress nicely.
Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]
Nope. Two of my bridesmaids spent about that much, but the other four girls spent far less, all the way down to the one who wore something she already owned. Because I knew that money was tight for everyone and I wanted them all up there with me, so I made the requirements flexible enough to take their budgets into account. You may not be able to find something marketed as a "bridesmaid dress" for less than that, but there are plenty of options that are not nearly that expensive.

Your bridesmaids are supposed to be your very closest friends. Are you seriously suggesting that if one of your girls isn't willing to spend enough of her money on you, you'd rather not have her there with you on your wedding day? Because honestly, if that's really how you view your friendships, that's one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

jenn.daniel · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_irritated-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4cb83c83-01a4-4e4f-8bca-5f0fe96186a8Post:792c55d5-d8ac-4c54-b350-287832c47027">Re: irritated with BM's</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>So when you accept the position of a birdesmaid, you don't think that comes along with spending about $150 for a dress?</strong> I've only been in family weddings, mostly as a junior bridesmaid and my mom obviously bought my dresses, so maybe my $250 is off or maybe they just charge more in my area... whatever. <strong>Regardless, no reasonable person would expect to spend less than $100 on a birdesmaid's dress.</strong> If they couldn't afford it, they should have declined. Also, I definitely didn't grow up with "daddy's credit card," I just like to dress nicely.
Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

Nope. I have 6 ladies, and I don't think any of them would have been willing to spend more than $100. Wait, the one who has finished school was ok with $120, but that didn't matter since the others couldn't pay that much.

It doesn't have to take a lot of money to dress nicely.

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