Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?

ccmsoftball · June 2010

My half-brother is 10, 11 at wedding time. I asked him to be my ring bearer(I have older "flower ladies" to walk with him because I don't handle kids well)

He said no. My own brother doesn't want to be in my wedding!

My dad/grandma said they would try to persuade him, but he is the ultimate momma's boy and my step-mother has never been thrilled with us (dad's first kids).

Is it rude for me to... well, MAKE him walk down the aisle?? Plz comment or take the poll! Thanks!

kd.joseph · June 2010

Ring Bearers and "flower ladies" are not required. Why would you force a 10 year old to do something he doesn't want to do? He's 10 he doesn't care about weddings, let it go.

ETA: I didnt vote because you didnt have an option for leave the child alone.

angel2210 · June 2010

Seriously, if someone forced me when I was 11 to do something I didn't want to, I made sure everyone around knew I was not happy about it. It's not worth it. The kid doesn't want to do it, don't make him. Besides, he's 11. Don't take it personally.

saschaduran · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:31c898d8-2174-47ac-b6db-0c125f6c54c7">Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]because I don't handle kids well
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Obviously. Maybe he has social anxiety, or is shy. I don't think forcing someone to walk down the aisle would be something you would appreciate if he gets upset while doing it and glares at everyone during the ceremony and in your pictures.

</div>

saschaduran · June 2010

Oh, I didn't vote either because the option I would have picked said "his loss" and I have a feeling that he won't feel that it is his loss.

tidetravel · June 2010

You need a 4th option: fuuck off.

katiewhompus · June 2010

I didn't vote because while I think you should leave it alone, it's not "his loss". Most 11 year old boys could not care less about weddings, and if he has any worries about social anxiety this would only aggrevate it.
Just let him be a guest and leave it alone.

mags0607 · June 2010

Yeah, I wouldn't force an 11 year old boy to be in a wedding if he really doesn't want to. I just don't see it ending well, he'll either be miserable or downright uncooperative.

There is nothing worse than an 11 year old boy being forced to do something he doesn't want to. Honestly, don't take it personally.

Simply Fated · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:31c898d8-2174-47ac-b6db-0c125f6c54c7">Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it rude for me to... well, MAKE him walk down the aisle??
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]
Yes.

And I can't even believe there is an option for Making him because it's YOUR wedding. You would really consider making a ten year old child carry a ring around on a stupid pillow just because it's your wedding?
I would love to tell you where I think you should stick your ring bearer's pillow, but I'm not going to because I'm not a mean person.

jasmineh7777 · June 2010

I think it is very inconsiderate to try and force him to participate. Many, many people fear being the center of attention. Also, he is 11 and no doubt doesn't care about weddings.
It is not his loss; he just doesn't want to do it.

killertomato47 · June 2010

Could you explain the logistics of "MAKING" him be your ring bearer? How do you intend to do that? Are you thinking of literally dragging him down the aisle? Because that will make for a great picture.

kimheartsscott · June 2010

Dude, I am having panic attacks about walking down the aisle at my own wedding, you need to chill out. Leave him alone.

kd.joseph · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:31c898d8-2174-47ac-b6db-0c125f6c54c7">Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]!My dad/grandma said they would try to persuade him, but he is the ultimate momma's boy and my step-mother has never been thrilled with us (dad's first kids). Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]

I like how this will be step-mothers fault.

noodle_oo · June 2010

I'm not surprised he said no. I always think of the ring bearer role for a little boy, like age 4-6. He's 10 or 11, that's pretty old to be a ring bearer! He's probably embarrassed that you asked him to do a job that is usually given to a toddler.

Anyway, regardless of why he said no, he said no and you can't force him. Don't have other people talk him into it either. Just let it go. He'll be in the photos with you and besides, you don't need a ring bearer at all.

leayn · June 2010

I was forced to be in a wedding when I was around 11. I still hate that Uncle. Don't do it.

LnDUBS · June 2010

OMG he is 10. Leave him the eff alone. You are being selfish.

JessAndTrav · June 2010

I get quite judgey when people select kids that aren't little to be FG/RB, sorry.

If I saw an 11 year old carrying a pillow with a ring on it...yeah...I'd be judgey. I'd probably have a hard time not snickering to myself.

Think about it. He's 11, not 4. He's almost in Jr. High. He doesn't want to carry a frilly pillow. Have you considered having him as a groomsman, usher or something like that? Maybe doing a reading?

JessAndTrav · June 2010

PS: I just asked my husband, "What would you have said if someone asked you to be a RB when you were 11?"

His response? "NO!" He said it quite firmly.

If I were your brother, I'd probably hit you or purposely make your day miserable if you "forced" me to do it.

J&K10910 · June 2010

I would really, really like to know how you plan to MAKE HIM walk down the aisle with your rings.

mocha beans · June 2010

He's 11 years old, do you think he'll just roll over and do as told without doing something to get back at you for making him do something he didn't want to do? Boys are mischievous little devils sometimes. I'd definitely not "force" him, if he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to.

Phoeber · June 2010

Seriously? You don't HAVE to have a ring bearer, you know. Forcing your brother to do it is ridiculous.

soontobehimes · June 2010

My nephew was two at the time and I didn't force him to walk down the aisle. He freaked and wouldn't walk, the day went on. On the other hand, my 12 year old brothers were thrilled to be Jr. Groomsmen.

Would you force a friend to be a bridesmaid? Same concept.

jenluxsd · June 2010

Umm...its not "his loss" not being your ring bearer. Guess what, he doesnt give 2 shits about your wedding. Most people dont care nearly as much about your wedding as you do.

You also can not force an 11 year old to do something they do not want to do. He is 11 and can make up his own mind.

You sound like a real piece of work.

riverjib · June 2010

We thought about asking fi's cousin to be ring bearer, since his older sister will be my BM. My sister told me that was a bad idea...kids over 8 or 9 (for the most part) recognize it's a role for little kids. If your brother was okay with it, there's nothing wrong with it. But he's not.

Try this...tell him you want to include him in the wedding, and present multiple options like walking you down the aisle, doing a reading, etc. Tell him it really matters to you that he's included somehow, and ask him what he thinks will be the most comfortable for him. Let him be creative...there are no rules for this.

eastunder1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:dcd2da0d-14ff-4a6a-a5bd-8f030d457a5e">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ring Bearers and "flower ladies" are not required. Why would you force a 10 year old to do something he doesn't want to do? He's 10 he doesn't care about weddings, let it go. ETA: I didnt vote because you didnt have an option for leave the child alone.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

^ ^ ^

saschaduran · June 2010

Wait...older flower ladies?

I am picturing a few Jr High school kids delicately dropping flowers and carrying a pillow. Teeheehee.

Ditto PP who said no self respecting 11 yr old would carry a frilly pillow. That would be cause for therapy.

melissamc2 · June 2010

I picked the third option, but I don't really think it's "his loss." Some people just don't WANT to be in weddings, particularly kids from about 9-17. If someone "forced" me into it, I'd throw a fit halfway up the aisle that would make them regret it.

Cantia · June 2010

You want to MAKE him do it because it's YOUR wedding? Charming. At that age if someone had forced me to do something I clearly didn't want to do I'd had done everything in my power to make my lack of cooperation clear to everyone around me.

Do you want your RB for 'forget' the rings? Drop them and run away? Start yelling that the bride is a b**** and made him carry a frilly pillow? Because this is what I can see happening if you try to make a kid do something after he said he really didn't want to. How are you planning on 'making' him do it anyway?

Just leave the kid alone and find something more age appropriate for him to do.

beatavic · June 2010

I agree with the previous posts, leave him alone and DON`T force. Most 11 yo don`t care about the wedding !! You don`t want to upset or nervous on your wedding day wondering what he does and how he will behave. Find someone else or don`t have it. It`s not a requirement.

AdeleDazeem · June 2010

I guarantee you that an 11 year old boy is not thinking "oh, this is my sister's wedding! It's a beautiful moment in her life and I should be happy for her. That definitely means I should carry a pillow down the aisle to make her happy. But, I sincerely don't want to."

It's more of "I have to carry a pillow with rings? Is this like Cinderella or something? I'd rather play video games."

Don't take his response personally. He doesn't want to do it. Ask him to be a groomsman instead (which his really more age appropriate) or just let him be about the whole thing. He's a kid. He wants to be pretty much anywhere else than a wedding.

sarabellam · June 2010

Pick someone else, or don't have a RB at all. The LAST thing you want to deal with is a moody, recalcitrant pre-pubescent boy who is resentful about being forced to dress up and have people stare at him while he plays a role normally relegated to someone half his age. It will definitely not be "his loss."

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