Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?

sarah0725

11 is too old to be a ring bearer, and it's a psychologically awkward age. Invite him to  be a jr. groomsman or something if you want him in the wedding.

opalsky007

We got married without any children OR pissed off preteens in our wedding. You do not need ringbearers and flower girls.

You're welcome.

quotequeen

An 11 year old boy probably doesn't even want to attend your wedding.  Don't take it personally and don't try to make him do anything.  Stop being ridiculous.

ohwhynot

OP:  Ditto what every single person said.

I don't think 10/11 is necessarily too old to be a ring bearer, although I'd cut out the frilly pillow and velvet shorts. 

I am sure I'm only saying that because my own 10 year old surprised me by saying he'd rather be a ring bearer than a groomsman in my wedding.  So, that's what he's going to be.   He's  going to make a Lego box to carry the rings in.  Shrug.  I hope people  don't snicker at him or think he has psychological problems. 

kittykaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:c533fcdc-cdc6-45e9-8284-99d147c5fd69">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP:  Ditto what every single person said. I don't think 10/11 is necessarily too old to be a ring bearer, although I'd cut out the frilly pillow and velvet shorts.  I am sure I'm only saying that because my own 10 year old surprised me by saying he'd rather be a ring bearer than a groomsman in my wedding.  So, that's what he's going to be.   <strong>He's  going to make a Lego box to carry the rings in</strong>.  Shrug.  I hope people  don't snicker at him or think he has psychological problems. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

That's so cool.  I wouldn't worry that people would laugh. 

I would also be thrilled if my son, brother, nephew, etc wanted to be a part of my wedding, but I would completely respect it if he didn't.  Our boy is going to be our RB, he will be almost 3.  I think I may have him walk with my mom down the aisle in case he gets scared.  He's usually a ham, but he freezes up and gets shy sometimes.  But I agree with PPs about a ten year old.  It's an awkward age.

Cantia

The Lego box idea is cool!

brookelynpaisley

Yes, it's rude. It's rude to make him do anything he says he doesn't want to do. It's not like he's 3 and stubborn and you can bribe him down the aisle with jellybeans (personal experience). If it's important to you that he participates, you can ask what HE would like to do, such as handing out programs. I know we say not to dish out BS jobs to adult friend/bridal party rejects, but I think having a kid help with the guest book is acceptable. Or you could just list him as a family member in your programs.

lauralaur

We asked H's 10 year old half-brother to be a junior groomsman and he flat out said no. H explained that his older half-sister and half-brother would also be standing up there with us and the kid still said no. His exact words were "I don't care about that stuff." H's feelings were hurt, but the kid's 10 and really doesn't care so we let it go. FIL ended up having a chat with half-brother (and no, we did not ask him to) that we were not present for and suddenly half-brother was a junior groomsman. I have no clue what FIL told that kid but he didn't seem unhappy on the wedding day so ::shrugs::.

Anyway, the point of all of that is it's not that surprising that he said no and I would just leave him alone about it. Making him do it will only make him resent you.

stinkerbell6879

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:f2fb178e-d9c2-4b82-bd49-dd63c737191e">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]11 is too old to be a ring bearer, and it's a psychologically awkward age. Invite him to  be a jr. groomsman or something if you want him in the wedding.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]
This. Also....your marriage will be valid even if you don't have one. I did not have a RB or FG and my wedding still went fine.

srkropf

Do you really think that forcing your brother to be in your wedding will end well? I know my future step-son will be around the same age when we get married and we're having him light the candles/usher-- as opposed to a ring bearer-- which Miss Manners dictates shouldn't be older than 6-7-- because boys especially at that age are embarressed and want nothing to do with 'love and girl cooties' See if you can find someone else or speak to your dad. If it doesn't work out, find someone else and see if he would like to have everyone sign the guest book or usher-- more grown up task than the cute kid walking the rings down.

srkropf

Kittykaz-- My RB is my MOH son-- he'll be 3/4-- and I'm going to have a cookie waiting at the end of the ailse-- horse and carrot routine

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:e19407e5-0de7-4be2-b09e-1931413055ea">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kittykaz-- My RB is my MOH son-- he'll be 3/4-- and I'm going to have a cookie waiting at the end of the ailse-- horse and carrot routine
Posted by srkropf[/QUOTE]

This is a good idea.  I'm going to have my MOH have a cookie waiting for ME at the end of the aisle.  I like cookies too :)

Kristin789

Ring bearers are age 6 through 9.  Your half-brother is too old.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/wedding-party-glossary.aspx

Young men age 9 through 16 can be Junior Groomsmen.  You could try that, or leave the kid alone.

Really, your half brother never grew up with you living in the same house, by the time he was 6 or 7 you were already what?  18 or so?  You are way older than he is, and his mother doesn't like you and the other "first kids" so why would you think this kid would be interested in your wedding?  And your wedding is OVER A YEAR away - kids change a LOT in a year - maybe in 9 months he'll show some interest...

kittykaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:50531598-a95f-48dc-8cd1-3114ed622ceb">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer? : This is a good idea.  I'm going to have my MOH have a cookie waiting for ME at the end of the aisle.  I like cookies too :)
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

ooh cookies for me too ;)

Patineuse1124

I wouldn't make him do something he didn't want to do.  If you want him to have some role in your wedding, find one he would like.  Plus 11 is kinda old, it probably wouldn't be considered cool amongst his social circle.

I originally wanted my 7-yr old nephew to be a ring bearer, but he didn't even want to come to the wedding, "weddings are stupid".  My mom is getting him a digital camera so he can be a photographer assistant and now he is psyched about it.

Patineuse1124

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:c533fcdc-cdc6-45e9-8284-99d147c5fd69">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP:  Ditto what every single person said. I don't think 10/11 is necessarily too old to be a ring bearer, although I'd cut out the frilly pillow and velvet shorts.  I am sure I'm only saying that because my own 10 year old surprised me by saying he'd rather be a ring bearer than a groomsman in my wedding.  So, that's what he's going to be.   He's  <strong>going to make a Lego box to carry the rings in.</strong>  Shrug.  I hope people  don't snicker at him or think he has psychological problems. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

<div>That is such a great idea!  </div><div>
</div><div>This talk of RBs reminds me of a video I saw on America's funniest home videos.  The RB and FG were really young and as the FG dropped a petal the RB picked it up and put it back in her basket and she gave him this look "like why the heck are you doing that".  It was priceless!</div>

[Deleted User]

Why would you force anyone to be in your wedding if they don't want to be, especially a child, let alone your own family?

I'd say you're bordering on 'zilla territory here, if you haven't crossed over completely already.

ccmsoftball

Well... I guess I have been told. Sorry for coming to other brides with a sincere question -- some of you are quite rude. To others with softer opinions, thank you. We opted to have older kids in the wedding because we have no toddlers in the family at this point. The flower ladies are stoked, and I assumed that my brother would just be happy to be a part of this. Frankly, I feel that yes, this MY wedding. I should be able to have who I want in it. When I was his age, I was told what to do by my parents. Not that I was BLAMING my stepmother, courteous posters, but I am merely predicting that her influence will be negative, and my brother is prone to stick by her side. That's all. I feel that if someone were to ask me to be in their wedding, I would always say yes, even if it was my most hated enemy. A wedding is about the relationship between two people, and their chosen God. Certainly not about how the families feel about the people getting married or the marriage itself -- would any of you skip your siblings wedding because you didn't like their new spouse? Not likely -- it's FAMILIAL OBLIGATION. Doing things you don't necessarily like doing for those you love. Sorry for the long rant, but I feel as if I was backed into a corner. I had to come out swinging.

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:270d644f-6ea4-4d69-9f1a-1a4ddaa3dc1e">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well... I guess I have been told. Sorry for coming to other brides with a sincere question -- some of you are quite rude. To others with softer opinions, thank you. We opted to have older kids in the wedding because we have no toddlers in the family at this point. The flower ladies are stoked, and I assumed that my brother would just be happy to be a part of this. Frankly, I feel that yes, this MY wedding. I should be able to have who I want in it. When I was his age, I was told what to do by my parents. Not that I was BLAMING my stepmother, courteous posters, but I am merely predicting that her influence will be negative, and my brother is prone to stick by her side. That's all. I feel that if someone were to ask me to be in their wedding, I would always say yes, even if it was my most hated enemy. A wedding is about the relationship between two people, and their chosen God. Certainly not about how the families feel about the people getting married or the marriage itself -- would any of you skip your siblings wedding because you didn't like their new spouse? Not likely -- it's FAMILIAL OBLIGATION. Doing things you don't necessarily like doing for those you love. Sorry for the long rant, but I feel as if I was backed into a corner. I had to come out swinging.
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]

In no way is your poor brother obligated to say yes to being in your wedding party.  It may be your wedding day but that doesn't mean you get to force people to do things or be in your wedding.  You need to get over yourself and grow up.  How old are you like 18-19? 

brookelynpaisley

No one was rude to you. Not a single person. All we said was that we wouldn't force someone to do something they don't want to. There were plenty of other suggestions for how to involve him. He doesn't HAVE to be a ringbearer to be in your wedding. It's all "It's MY Day!!!!" to you, but it's a day away from his Playstation to him. He's an ELEVEN year old boy, not a 16 year old girl who cares about weddings.  And I don't know why you'd be in a most hated enemy's wedding. That's just plain stupid, and highly unrealistic.

ccmsoftball

Oh and a quick question for all of you bashing the age-bracket for RB and such... 

What is the point of a Jr GM?

When I was 13 i was a Jr BM for my uncle's wedding and I thought my part was pointless. I sat at the end of the table and did nothing. Didn't get my hair/makeup done with the BMs/Bride, didn't have a matching dress, didn't even walk down the aisle. 

and yes, yes I realize that was one bad experience and I could make it "more special" and have all these wonderful options for Jrs, but ....... I really don't feel like I have to follow the Miss Manners or the Knot guidebooks to create mine and Josh's special day.

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:2b4c6d47-e34b-4941-8216-b688cb6cb39e">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and a quick question for all of you bashing the age-bracket for RB and such...  What is the point of a Jr GM? When I was 13 i was a Jr BM for my uncle's wedding and I thought my part was pointless. I sat at the end of the table and did nothing. Didn't get my hair/makeup done with the BMs/Bride, didn't have a matching dress, didn't even walk down the aisle.  and yes, yes I realize that was one bad experience and I could make it "more special" and have all these wonderful options for Jrs, but ....... I really don't feel like I have to follow the Miss Manners or the Knot guidebooks to create mine and Josh's special day.
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]

Of course you don't feel like you need to be polite.  That's just an excuse to behave badly and like a spoiled brat.  I don't know what the point is to Jr. groomsman or bridesmaids.  I'm not having any and if I did they would be treated the same as the rest of the bridal party.  Perhaps you just got the short end of the stick.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:270d644f-6ea4-4d69-9f1a-1a4ddaa3dc1e">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding is about the relationship between two people, and their chosen God. Certainly not about how the families feel about the people getting married or the marriage itself -- would any of you skip your siblings wedding because you didn't like their new spouse? Not likely -- it's FAMILIAL OBLIGATION. Doing things you don't necessarily like doing for those you love. Sorry for the long rant, but I feel as if I was backed into a corner. I had to come out swinging.
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]


Actually, even if it was my sister, I wouldn't stand up for her if it I was against the marriage. I don't sell out just because I'm asked to wear a dress. If my closest friend wanted to marry a man I thought was truly awful and vile, you wouldn't find me anywhere near that wedding.

aprovencher21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:1f389009-ba55-4040-93f9-c05b0dfaefb1">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer? : Actually, even if it was my sister, I wouldn't stand up for her if it I was against the marriage. I don't sell out just because I'm asked to wear a dress. If my closest friend wanted to marry a man I thought was truly awful and vile, you wouldn't find me anywhere near that wedding.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

This.  Being in the bridal party means you believe in the marriage between the two people. 

ccmsoftball

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:e65de8c1-4a9b-4bb8-a317-ae20ae17158d">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]No one was rude to you. Not a single person. Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe you didn't get a chance to read all of the lovely posts, but there were F-bombs dropped towards me, and quite a few posts stating that I was plain crazy.</div><div>
</div><div>All I was doing was asking. I did appreciate the idea of giving him other options -- that hadn't occured to me. I thanked those who offered those ideas.</div>

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:2b4c6d47-e34b-4941-8216-b688cb6cb39e">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and a quick question for all of you bashing the age-bracket for RB and such...  What is the point of a Jr GM? When I was 13 i was a Jr BM for my uncle's wedding and I thought my part was pointless. I sat at the end of the table and did nothing. Didn't get my hair/makeup done with the BMs/Bride, didn't have a matching dress, didn't even walk down the aisle.  and yes, yes I realize that was one bad experience and I could make it "more special" and have all these wonderful options for Jrs, but ....... I really don't feel like I have to follow the Miss Manners or the Knot guidebooks to create <strong>mine and Josh's special day</strong>.
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]

Vom.

Just because that was YOUR role as Jr. BM doesn't mean you can't make your brother's role more significant

ccmsoftball

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:1f389009-ba55-4040-93f9-c05b0dfaefb1">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE] If my closest friend wanted to marry a man I thought was truly awful and vile, you wouldn't find me anywhere near that wedding.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

<div>That is an interesting perspective. I have to respectfully disagree and choose the other option: I would stand right next to my best friend if she loved this "awful" man. She asked me to be next to her on one of the most important days of her life -- i wouldn't miss it for the world!</div><div>
</div><div>Now, that being said, if he was awful to her (abusive, cheating, etc) I would step up and confront him or her. But if he's just awful to me.... well, I'm not the one marrying him am I?</div>

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:8d0d9c0a-bb23-4a8c-ae68-5abef1460ac7">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer? : Maybe you didn't get a chance to read all of the lovely posts, but there were F-bombs dropped towards me, and quite a few posts stating that I was plain crazy. All I was doing was asking. I did appreciate the idea of giving him other options -- that hadn't occured to me. I thanked those who offered those ideas.
Posted by ccmsoftball[/QUOTE]

I did read them all. No one called you crazy. One person really used the F bomb... in a sentence. One other used it in a WTF kind of context. You're being overly sensitive. Classic Zilla

ccmsoftball

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_forcing-brother-ring-bearer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad0caf0d-9042-47e0-a0fe-8619aa05bc2dPost:ce5097dc-f6e1-4db9-891a-1924618c3c11">Re: Forcing my brother to be the ring bearer?</a>:
[QUOTE]You're being overly sensitive. Classic Zilla
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

<div>You can be  <strong><em>d a m n  </em><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">sure that I will be sensitive about my wedding. </span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">The day I've been dreaming about for years.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">The day I will be joined with the man of my dreams.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">The day that everyone is telling us is the <em><u>most</u></em> important day of our lives.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">There is no reason, barring physical harm or bankruptcy, that we shouldn't have everything that we dream of. Every couple should have their day in the sun. When my friends start marrying, I will do my best to make sure that they feel like kings and queens on their wedding day.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">Maybe this whole thing does makes me a bridezilla. I can deal with that -- because I'll only get this day once. No second chances. </span></strong></div><div>
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