Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules

Carla1019 · December 2011

We are allowing my FI parents to invite 70 people. FI and I are paying 100% of the wedding costs. We sent out the STDs and a few of their friends said they would not be able to attend. So now they want us to replace those guests with new people.

I understand we should still send an invitation because things might change but what if the inlaws requests that we don't?

My FI feels we should let them do whatever they want because it is their friends so we should not care if they break etiquette rules.

What are your thoughts?

Birdie1483 · December 2011

I agree with PP. Just because the guests are your FIL's friends, doesn't mean that a breach of etiquette won't reflect poorly on you, especially since you are the host.

banana468 · December 2011

Ditto the others.

YOU TWO are the hosts so really, this is your decision. Simply say that you understand that they may not be attending but it's not something that's certain.

The other thing that I'd stress to your FI is that you're not doing this with other guests and you know some will decline. It's not OK to do this just because they're your FIL's friends. It's bad to do that - period.

Simply Fated · December 2011

As the hosts who are paying 100%, you have the final say on the guest list. You should follow your instincts and go with proper etiquette.

achiduck · December 2011

Yes, you're right you still need to send them an invite.

redheadfsu · December 2011

Follow etiquette and still send the invite, because if you don't BOTH you & his parents will look really bad.

Carla1019 · December 2011

Thanks everyone.

I spoke with FI. He and the inlaws are all in agreement that we should not send them invitations. Sheesh! Guess I've been out numbered.

I'm just taking a deep breath and moving on, I have a feeling that his family and circle of friends break several rules and this will not be the last issue I have with them.

My FI has been in 3 weddings and the couples didn't have a rehearsal dinner or give them gifts (or thank you cards) for being in the WP.

Some guests even called us to say our STD magnets are amazing and they had never seen one before. Really??

redheadfsu · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inlaws-breaking-etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:49f20116-126a-4843-8f9d-8e18db7055c1Post:cdfa62ca-1559-43fc-80e5-d0a5bb677b90">Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone. I spoke with FI. He and the inlaws are all in agreement that we should not send them invitations. Sheesh! Guess I've been out numbered. I'm just taking a deep breath and moving on, I have a feeling that his family and circle of friends break several rules and this will not be the last issue I have with them. My FI has been in 3 weddings and the couples didn't have a rehearsal dinner or give them gifts (or thank you cards) for being in the WP. Some guests even called us to say our STD magnets are amazing and they had never seen one before. Really??
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

Moving on? Does that mean you are not sending them invites?

I would talk to your FI and explain that it is really rude to do this and you are not comfortable being rude to YOUR guests. I get that he might not understand; however, when you explain that you are uncomfortable doing this- he should back you up (not his parents).

aragx6 · December 2011

I'm surprised to see your FI taking his parents side when you're so obviously right.

Carla1019 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inlaws-breaking-etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:49f20116-126a-4843-8f9d-8e18db7055c1Post:ee5cba02-074c-4a84-b885-5b6d2d8a4632">Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules : <strong>Moving on? Does that mean you are not sending them invites? </strong> I would talk to your FI and explain that it is really rude to do this and you are not comfortable being rude to YOUR guests. I get that he might not understand; however, when you explain that you are uncomfortable doing this- he should back you up (not his parents).
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Funny thing is that they think it is rude to send the invitation after a guest has already said no, like we are being pushy. Or asking them to RSVP after they alreaady told us.

I don't get them at all?

aragx6 · December 2011

Because obviously you know their addresses, I would send them one anyway. It's really none of his parent's business.

You could include a small handwritten note that just says "I know you said you wouldn't be able to make it, but if you're plans have changed, we would love to have you."

redheadfsu · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inlaws-breaking-etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:49f20116-126a-4843-8f9d-8e18db7055c1Post:76d70c56-ba45-4cb1-be5f-fb3370fb9bf7">Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules : Funny thing is that they think it is rude to send the invitation after a guest has already said no, like we are being pushy. Or asking them to RSVP after they alreaady told us. I don't get them at all?
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

Well show them an etiquette book. Like Emily Post or any other good etiquette book.

Explain it this way: Once we send the STD they are invited. If they say no, they will still invited. What happens if their plans change and now they can attend and are unsure what to do because we never sent a formal invite? You don't make the guest figure it out or feel awkward. We need to send them an invite so they know they are welcome even if their plans change.

But is is part of the reason I hate STDs. STDs should only be sent to the VIPs. If not people start to want to do the B list thing like his parents do.

Carla1019 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inlaws-breaking-etiquette-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:49f20116-126a-4843-8f9d-8e18db7055c1Post:523f05d1-69c0-48ec-a343-fc0dc7aea06a">Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inlaws are breaking etiquette rules : Well show them an etiquette book. Like Emily Post or any other good etiquette book. Explain it this way: Once we send the STD they are invited. If they say no, they will still invited. What happens if their plans change and now they can attend and are unsure what to do because we never sent a formal invite? You don't make the guest figure it out or feel awkward. We need to send them an invite so they know they are welcome even if their plans change. But is is part of the reason I hate STDs. STDs should only be sent to the VIPs. If not people start to want to do the B list thing like his parents do.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I wonder if I can give them an etiquette book for Xmas? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

roxiems75 · December 2011

this is why only our out of town family members are getting STD cards. out of 200 guests we are only sending out 30 STD cards. all other guests will just receive an invitation. The only reason why we are using STD is to give our family time to plan to travel and get vacation time from work. this way no B list. Whoever comes comes.

I think an etiquette book for Christmas would be a great give.

redheadfsu · December 2011

Yeah, I assume you are joking, but (JIC) don't actually get them an E book.

I meant it more in the if you have a book and are talking wedding you can show them. Not "here is a book to teach you the error of your ways."

BMcLeodTeam · December 2011

I agree with PPs, your name will be the one on this as the host and so it will be you looking bad if you go against the etiquette rules.

gailpete · December 2011

Is the 70 number due to capacity or budget? If it is a budget concern, can you tell FI and his parents that the original guests will still get an invitation, but that you will also send invitations to these other friends. If the people that got STDs are able to come after all, FILs will have to pay for the additional guests that may also attend. If it is a space concern, they are SOL and you will follow proper etiquette.

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