NWPR: Your opinion of "cover your plate"

frogurt814 · August 2010

I was on the "registering and gifts" board and stumbled upon this thread.
How much do I, MOH give?

Quite a few people said they follow the "cover your plate" "rule" when giving a gift at a wedding. I had honestly never heard of that before TK.

I personally have never done this, and probably never will do this. H and I give gifts based on what we can afford and what we want to give the bride and groom.

What's your opinion?

I don't think guests should feel obligated to give a gift that covers the cost of their plate.

mbcdefg · August 2010

This is really common in my area. I always give a registry gift for the shower and a cash gift for the wedding, so I think that "cover your plate" is a good rule of thumb when I'm writing out the check.

However, like I said, it's only a rule of thumb. I'm not responsible for paying for the couple's wedding, so if they choose a $200-per-plate venue (and I've been to a wedding like this) then that's not my problem. Likewise, I'm not going to "punish" someone who has a cake and punch reception by giving a $5 gift because my cake and coffee only cost about that much. I'll give what I normally give in both situations.

suz62984 · August 2010

How are you to know how much each plate costs? Each wedding is different. Some close family members were surprised to hear the per person price for my wedding at the Hilton. The Hilton name throws some people off. Most thought it would be more expensive...some thought it was crazy high. How are you too know? I give what we can afford. I agree with others, we don't cheap out if the wedding is a budget wedding.

quotequeen · August 2010

I think it's absurd. If you choose to spend $200/plate on your wedding, that's your decision and should have been based on what you can afford. You didn't ask for my input or budget so I can't imagine why that should obligate me to give you $400 as a gift. By the same token, if my friend has a budget wedding, I'm not going to give her a cheap gift just because she was being responsible.

Additionally, I don't know or care to know how much you spent on your wedding. It would be horribly gauche of you to tell me, and I'm not going to call the venue and ask for a price list so I can figure out how much to give you. I'll give you what I want to give you.

And if the bride and groom aren't even paying for the wedding themselves, the whole thing is even more ridiculous.

lilianne22 · August 2010

I'd never heard of this either. I give what is within my budget. How would people even know what would "cover their plate?" Are they asking around how much the per person costs are so that they know how much they should spend? That seems uber tacky.

banana468 · August 2010

I hate that some people even think of this as a "rule" or consider it to be "appropriate etiquette." It isn't and it never was. It may be a regional norm but it's hardly a rule.

If you want me to cover my plate then I get to pick the place.

And by that token, should I give someone I love dearly less because the wedding cost less?

DH and I have a general wedding budget and we give within that budget.

As a gift giver, I don't want to be cheap - and I think it speaks volumes when people are "cheap" with their gift giving. However a gift should be based on love and affection for the couple - not a bogus social standard.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

I don't really take into account the type of wedding when giving a gift. It's all about my closeness to the couple. I didn't even buy a gift for my sister, I did a painting for her as a wedding gift. I have no idea how much it would be worth in relation to what she paid for dinner, but I don't really care.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

I haven't read the responses but I'll give my reaction both as a guest and the one throwing the party: it is completely ridiculous.

I didn't plan my wedding so that people could then give me back the money I used to throw the party. I wanted the silly party and I knew how much it cost. I ask nothing more than people to come and have a good time.

I will admit to having "friends" with spreadsheets from their weddings. If someone didn't give enough, they make fun of them, talk about their inability to follow etiquette and then consult said spreadsheet when that person's wedding/baby shower/life event involving a present comes into play. I find these "friends" quite shallow and would call them on it if they ever opened said spreadsheet in my presence.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

My mom told me I should keep track of what people gave me, so I could use that as a guideline for future gift giving. I was kind of blown away, that's just not the way I operate.

trix1223 · August 2010

Like malphabet, I'm from NJ, and this is very commonly espoused by people as the "proper" way to detemine a wedding gift.

I hate it. I think that where a couple chooses to have their wedding should have absolutely no bearing on my choice of a wedding gift. I don't think I should be held to a different standard because someone has a reception that costs $200 pp as opposed to someone whose reception costs $90 pp.

I'm sad to say that I know of people who received a check for, as an example, $100 for a wedding gift, and got all snotty about it saying, "Geez, we spend twice that on their dinner!"

Hate it, hate it, hate it.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nwpr-opinion-of-cover-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c6d9bb7-ac57-4120-9a90-7df56263b38fPost:2257d465-14f8-442f-a00e-67bafbae0b55">Re: NWPR: Your opinion of "cover your plate"</a>:
[QUOTE]Like malphabet, I'm from NJ, and this is very commonly espoused by people as the "proper" way to detemine a wedding gift.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

I would just like to throw out there that I am from NJ as well (South Jersey) and this is not the norm for where I am from. As like so much from NJ, it could be regional within the state.

EDIT: the people with spreadsheets that I was discussing in my first post are also from NJ - North Jersey.

Belle2Be · August 2010

We follow the cover your plate "rule"

It's not hard to figure out

trix1223 · August 2010

Joy, you're right. I'm in NoJersey, and although we are a small state, the regional differences between No. Jersey and So. Jersey can be astounding!

gottahavashorti · August 2010

I think it's regional to NY and New England and makes no sense. How are guests supposed to know how much their meal costs? Do you ask the MOB and MOG how much they shelled out if they hosted? Plus that doesn't take into account staff fees, service fees, gratuity, costs of china/tables/chairs if that's separate.

I doubt any of our friends and family knew how much our catering cost, and by the cover your plate method I doubt a lot of our friends would have been able to attend - many of them are in grad school or just out of school and they are not made of money.

It's not my duty as a guest to pay for the wedding, as PPs have said. And honestly, I'm more apt to give a generous cash gift to a couple I know is living paycheck to paycheck and needs to have a very low budget wedding in order to help them get started than a couple who has hosted their own lavish, $150/plate* wedding, has money to spend on themselves in every day life and has a bundle in savings. What I can afford to give would be nothing to them and I'd be more comfortable giving a boxed gift - not that the total amount spent varies much in the first place, but I don't think having more money to spend on a wedding means you deserve to get more in cash gifts than someone having an at home BBQ reception.

*Edit: I realize that is the going rate per person in some areas, but in my area that is very expensive for catering.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nwpr-opinion-of-cover-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c6d9bb7-ac57-4120-9a90-7df56263b38fPost:cfd42fd0-f794-49ad-98da-abdb1cca0ef5">Re: NWPR: Your opinion of "cover your plate"</a>:
[QUOTE]Joy, you're right. I'm in NoJersey, and although we are a small state, the regional differences between No. Jersey and So. Jersey can be astounding! =)
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ha! There's also Central Jersey. Explaining this to people is hilarious

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

That's an excellent point, gotta. A wedding gift is supposed to be a way of helping the couple start their new life together, and I think I'd be more inclined to help someone who clearly needs it than someone who clearly doesn't.

stina93446 · August 2010

I HAVE heard about this and I do it when I don't know what to get the bride and groom. Usually, I try to get something on their registry, but if they don't have one or I get to the list too late, I'd prefer to give them cash. I try to give as much as what my dinner/per head cost was.

quotequeen · August 2010

When people have the attitude of "well if they can't afford it they should decline" it makes me want to punch them in the face. Getting a bunch of cash is really more important to you than having your friends and family there to celebrate with you? Really??

CTGirl30 · August 2010

I have heard of that but honestly, it doesn't factor into DH's and my decision on how much to give. We give based on what we feel comfortable giving as a gift - not an effort to reimburse the couple for inviting us to their party. (And I say that with the disclaimer that I think we're pretty generous gift givers but it's never done from the perspective of "We better give them enough to cover our dinners.") We're guests at your event - not out to eat at a resteraunt we selected.

stina93446 · August 2010

I'd like to add that while I LIKE to do this, I do give what I think it right....DH and myself usually like to get gifts for the b&g and we decide on a price ahead of time. If we can't find something, THEN we just give them the amount or the around amount of what the gift budget was.

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nwpr-opinion-of-cover-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c6d9bb7-ac57-4120-9a90-7df56263b38fPost:6a3d8ae2-4d8a-4565-b90f-7936e5373034">Re: NWPR: Your opinion of "cover your plate"</a>:
[QUOTE]We follow the cover your plate "rule" :) It's not hard to figure out :)
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

Just curious Belle, but how do you figure it out?

I mean, I guess if it's a cake and punch reception, you can probably deduce that the reception wasn't $200 a slice of cake, but for a dinner reception how would you know what it cost?

I guess I just think the cover your plate rule is totally bunk. If someone you love dearly could only afford appetizers and cocktails for their reception you wouldn't give them as nice a gift as someone you barely knew who had a black tie affair? It seems pretty ridiculous.

jagore08 · August 2010

DH and I never give cash as a present. We just don't. We usually choose something off their registry and we try to keep it in the $100 range. That's just what we've always done.

ETA: Now I have a question for all those that do follow this rule. What do you give if you don't attend the wedding? You have no plate to cover, so do you not give a gift?

banana468 · August 2010

And I hate the basing what you give based on what someone gave.

My aunt's ex MIL did that. She was married during the Great Depression! And if someone gave her a towel, 60 years later that's all the person's grandchild received from her.

That notion is also exactly why I refuse to share the gift list with anyone other than my husband.

I will say that DH and I were a bit saddened to see that a couple of our friends were fairly cheap. It was a bit of the "You invited us to all your pre-wedding and pre-baby events and we gave to you generously and THIS is what you gave us?" I know it isn't the nicest way to think, but there was the feeling that these are people who will just be cheap and that's just how they are.

mattycam · August 2010

some people need to follow the "CYP" rule because some people show up at weddings, eat the food, drink the beverages (whether alcoholic or not) and don't give a gift or give something equivalent to what you would give a child on their birthday and I think that is very rude!! Unless someone is in a bad financial situation there is no excuse for being cheap. If that is how a person is going to be, they shouldn't even go to the wedding.

frogurt814 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nwpr-opinion-of-cover-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c6d9bb7-ac57-4120-9a90-7df56263b38fPost:ab9df405-43a6-4c1b-aac3-60111f601048">Re: NWPR: Your opinion of "cover your plate"</a>:
[QUOTE]some people need to follow the "CYP" rule because some people show up at weddings, eat the food, drink the beverages (whether alcoholic or not) and don't give a gift or give something equivalent to what you would give a child on their birthday and I think that is very rude!! Unless someone is in a bad financial situation there is no excuse for being cheap. If that is how a person is going to be, they shouldn't even go to the wedding.
Posted by mattycam[/QUOTE]
Some people are just cheap. I have cheap people in my family, but I don't love them any less, and I would certainly prefer they attend my wedding and not bring a gift rather than not attend at all.

superheroprincess · August 2010

I'm currious to know what people consider cheap?

We usually give $100.00 for 2 people (all the weddings are cash bar with free wine). Would this be considered cheap?

My catering for the biggest buffet at an Italian club here (one of the nicest places in town) is about $35.00 per person (not including cake or wine) just to give you an idea.

trix1223 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nwpr-opinion-of-cover-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c6d9bb7-ac57-4120-9a90-7df56263b38fPost:ab9df405-43a6-4c1b-aac3-60111f601048">Re: NWPR: Your opinion of "cover your plate"</a>:
[QUOTE]some people need to follow the "CYP" rule because some people show up at weddings, eat the food, drink the beverages (whether alcoholic or not) and don't give a gift or give something equivalent to what you would give a child on their birthday and I think that is very rude!! Unless someone is in a bad financial situation there is no excuse for being cheap. If that is how a person is going to be, they shouldn't even go to the wedding.
Posted by mattycam[/QUOTE]

matty: no one should be planning a party for their family and friends that they can't afford. That's the bottom line here. When you have a dinner party at home, do you charge the guests for their meal? For the wine you serve?

Because that's essentially what you're saying here. A reception is a chance for you to thank the people who came to your wedding, by hosting the party for them.

Getting pissy about the amount of their gift just screams that one is a money-hungry gift grabber. Think about this: there is NO requirement that a guest bring a gift to a wedding. Do most people? Sure. Is it nice that they do? Sure. Do they have to? NO.

A year ago, my DD and her DH were in good shape financially. Then DD lost her job due to budget cutbacks. Then she needed life saving surgery after a couple of hospital stays. The bills not covered by insurance are still enormous.

When she goes to a wedding now, she and her DH can't begin to "cover their plate" at a big and fancy reception. I'm so happy that when she attended one of her bridesmaid's weddings in April, DD's friend didn't feel like you did.

They gave a modest gift. And their time to attend the wedding, and their love to the couple. And DD's friend was thrilled to have them share her wedding day.

Because some people understand that the least important part of a wedding is the gifts you receive.

jagore08 · August 2010

Trix, I heart you. You always have sound advice and very appropriate stories to go with it.

emilyinchile · August 2010

I think it's ridiculous. I understand the logic that if you have enough money to be paying $200 per head for your reception, you may well have friends who have a similar level of wealth (ie. you're all from the same wealthy background and/or all work the same high-paying jobs), so I get that expensive weddings may tend to encourage more expensive gifts if only because they may well have wealthier guests. But I feel no more obligation to "cover my plate" at your wedding than I do when you invite me over for dinner.

I DO feel an obligation to be a courteous guest, which to me means bringing a gift to a wedding - just as I'd bring a bottle of wine or some flowers if you invited me for dinner. I base the cost of that gift on what we can afford and how close we are to the couple. I wouldn't "punish" a couple for having less money to spend on their reception nor would I "reward" people for their CHOICE to invite me to something more expensive.

Mattycam, we did have some guests who didn't give us a gift. I think most of those cases were younger people who'd never been to a wedding and didn't know to do that - a couple were really good friends, so I don't think they were trying to be rude, and I'd much rather have had them there celebrating with us gift-less than had them stay home because they weren't reimbursing us for their dinners.

emilyinchile · August 2010

Also, malphabet, I'm a little confused by your answer. You say that you use "covering your plate" as a good rule of thumb but then go on to say that you give what you normally give regardless. So it sounds like you don't actually pay any attention to that as a guideline - am I missing something?

mkrupar · August 2010

I chimed in on the other thread:

"I agree with Trix on this one. The "cover your plate" doesn't make sense to me. I don't know who's actually paying for the wedding. It could be the parents of the Bride. So for that logic to work, I should be gifting the parent the amount it cost THEM to throw the party, not the B&G. I will give what I can comfortably afford at that time, and if any B&G decide to complain about it not being enough to "cover my plate", then that is just rude on their part. They chose to have the extravagant wedding/reception, not me. I also wouldn't short change a B&G who had a less extravagant affair"

I also agree with PPs on this thread that I would prefer to give more to a couple that I know is struggling financially than to a couple that has the means to live well.

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