What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?

hild3912 · December 2011

My cousin got engaged roughly a month ago. I have been engaged for five months. She has decided that her wedding will be three weeks before mine. She called and asked to discuss our weddings to make sure there were no issues. We have been talking about it, and everytime I bring up something that my fiance and I don't like she just brushes it off as no issue...

For example: She asked if she could have her wedding the week before mine. I said H*** No! So, she planned it 3 weeks before mine. When I told her that was not exceptable becuase I was holding my bridal party for our shared family members that weekend because one of my out of state bridesmaids was going to be in town for another wedding, her response was, "well I'll just have to miss your bridal shower." Dispite my objeciton that it was not fair to expect our family to travel from one side of the state to the other in the same weekend. She continued to reject my complaint.

Several other issues of the same type have occured. What should I do????????

hbatchel2 · December 2011

There isn't really anything you can do. You get a day. She gets a day. Thats it. You can easily move your bridal shower to another weekend if thats the only issue with her getting married that weekend. Or you can still have it that weekend, but be prepared for some family members to not come.

RebeccaB88 · December 2011

Duplicate. D'oh!

RebeccaB88 · December 2011

There's no problem here. You each get a day. You plan things how you want, she plans things how she wants. Sometimes people can't go to both. That's just the way it is. I think you're creating a problem where there is none.

vsgal · December 2011

Proper etiquette says that you get your wedding day and she gets hers. You don't get to dictate when she gets married or has her pre-wedding event no more than she gets to tell you when you get your dates. If you are that uptight, change your date.

ski2play · December 2011

MrsB, you are much too kind. Pretty sure she has crossed the Bridezilla line already. It sounds like from her H*** No that she believes she get the entire month prior to her wedding also.

OP, you get one day. While I think it is great that you have an open line of communication with your cousin, it does not appear that you are communicating, it sounds like she is trying to communicate and accommodate, it sounds like you want to dictate....at least that is my perception based on what you have posted.

em01092 · December 2011

I agree that she is being inconsiderate of your family and potential travel issues. Some family may have to pick yours over hers or vice versa, but that's the way it is. You can move your date, but you don't have to do so and shouldn't if you've already put down deposits, and you definitely can't do anything about the date she chooses. That is her choice.

And I really hope you are not hosting your own bridal shower.

trixie549 · December 2011

Yes, your cousin is being inconsiderate, but there's not much you can do about it. Be the bigger person, smile, and get on with it.

J&K10910 · December 2011

Bahahaha, I totally read this thread title in a really weird, incestual way, until I got to the "around the same time" part.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-etiquette-first-cousins-engaged-around-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a644a36-b2d6-4292-b742-75184020d715Post:b5830671-f38e-431b-b33c-da4a21c93e9e">What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin got engaged roughly a month ago. I have been engaged for five months. She has decided that her wedding will be three weeks before mine. She called and asked to discuss our weddings to make sure there were no issues. We have been talking about it, and everytime I bring up something that my fiance and I don't like she just brushes it off as no issue... For example: She asked if she could have her wedding the week before mine.<strong> I said H*** No! So, she planned it 3 weeks before mine. When I told her that was not exceptable becuase I was holding my bridal party for our shared family members that weekend because one of my out of state bridesmaids was going to be in town for another wedding, her response was, "well I'll just have to miss your bridal shower." </strong>Dispite my objeciton that it was not fair to expect our family to travel from one side of the state to the other in the same weekend. She continued to reject my complaint. Several other issues of the same type have occured. What should I do????????
Posted by hild3912[/QUOTE]

The bridezilla line.

You're getting very close to it.

She's allowed to miss yoru bridal shower (that sounds like you're throwing for yourself?). While I agree that it's asking a lot for family members to have to travel twice, ultimately, it is her and her FI's decision and you can not control when they get married.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

When you say "across the state" How far is that really in Michigan? I really think its NBD and you should get over it.

You get one day, not an entire month.

Whomever (NOT YOU) is planning your SHOWER should move the shower. Its just a shower. If I were a family member of yours, I'd skip your shower since it's the same weekend.

Seems like you're being a demanding bridezilla diva and she's trying to be considerate.

whifflegirl · December 2011

I feel like in this situation that you two need a chance to get your wedding dates set, and then after that, if you want to be able to attend each other's events, you need to plan those other events around each other's wedding dates. In my mind, a wedding will always take precedence over a shower, and if I had to choose between the two, I'd choose to attend the wedding.

PetalPockets2012 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-etiquette-first-cousins-engaged-around-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a644a36-b2d6-4292-b742-75184020d715Post:395ed048-f0d9-4226-b1ee-d7de2c591213">Re: What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Bahahaha, I totally read this thread title in a really weird, incestual way, until I got to the "around the same time" part.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

That's what I get for trying to read too fast. My mind went there.

hild3912 · December 2011

I want to clarify somethings:

1) I am not planning my own bridal shower. My mother has planned the bridal shower that weekend because my matron of honor is coming in from out of state and its the only party other then the wedding she will be able to attend. My mother had announced my bridal shower before my cousin had gotten engaged.

2) I know its B*****y not to want have the wedding the week before mine. My concern was not the timing for me, however, I have been trying to keep family in mind. We have a lot of family memebers and friends of the family that will be flying in from out of state or that would be traveling over 3 hours one way per event. I really don't think it's fair to expect the family to pay to attend two weddings so close together. I am not so concerend if she does the wedding before me or after me as much as I think we should be considerate of our guests in an economy where budgets are tight. Weddings are a huge expense for everyone and I just don't feel its fair of her to say "I'll be the only one who misses your bridal shower, its no big deal." A lot of the family had already offered to put in time and expense to the bridal shower before she announced her engagement.

3) My immediate family has been drastically affected by the economy in Michigan. My FI and I am paying and planning 90% of our own wedding/wedding events because I am the only person in my immediate family with a job and have been for almost 2 years now. (Not that they havent tried to find work, its complicated)

4) The things I am, in general, asking her to respect are the special things we had specificaly planned into our wedding day or dates we had already set. After working for 10 months on planning the wedding, I could not imagine having to change something very special to the family last minute that we put into our wedding because it would not have the same meaning if she did it first. (There are a few things that would not have the same impact if duplicated among the family)

5) I don't do forums much sorry for the confusion.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-etiquette-first-cousins-engaged-around-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a644a36-b2d6-4292-b742-75184020d715Post:7895b87c-c524-4d00-ab2f-a80dfda0921f">Re: What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are some family inside jokes that I had planned to do from the beginning. I have asked her not to do the jokes because it wont be funny twice (at least not twice so close together) and I have already invested in them. She came to me and asked if I had any I was doing so that she didn't duplicate anything "special". When I told her what I was doing, her response was "I should do that for my wedding". There have also been things like the bridal shower where we have already paid deposits and announced the dates before she got engaged. And it sounds like I'm just suppose to change my date despite the cost or accept that half of the guests probably wont show up (which would still result in my family incurring a loss). So, needless to say, etiquette sounds like despite my best efforts to plan my wedding and accommodate my guests over the last 5 months, I get to suck it up because she can come in half way through and get her way. I just can't believe that's the only answer. Life sucks I know but still, she gets her way and my family, bridal party and I have to eat the cost and change our plans? I can live with that if it is the way it is, but lets be realistic. Weddings are almost never just a one day event. Between the bridal showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsals and so on.<strong> I got to imagine the average bride has one event a weekend the month before her wedding or one every other weekend over two months.</strong>
Posted by hild3912[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Re: bolded. Wow. thats a lot of events.</div><div>
</div><div>I've got one weekend's worth of stuff.</div><div>
</div><div>I guess my marriage will be invalid.

</div>

Viczaesar · December 2011

4) The things I am, in general, asking her to respect are the special things we had specificaly planned into our wedding day or dates we had already set. After working for 10 months on planning the wedding, I could not imagine having to change something very special to the family last minute that we put into our wedding because it would not have the same meaning if she did it first. (There are a few things that would not have the same impact if duplicated among the family)

I have no idea what you're talking about. Can you explain?

vsgal · December 2011

Jeebus, how old are you? This is not the end of the world. This is not worth expending this much energy over. You are going to give yourself a coronary.

You get one day. None of the other stuff you are so concerned about is not necessary. This includes bridal showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties or rehearsals. I did not have a bachelorette party at all. I had a shower on a Saturday that lasted 2 hours. Hubby had a bach. party on the Thursday before the wedding. We had a rehersal on the Friday before the wedding. So that equals one Saturday afternoon and one weekend of the wedding. Not sure how you are assuming that people are going to want to spend every weekend with you one month before the wedding.

The myth is the image that the movie/tv industry and the wedding industry deliver in plot lines and articles. Both are trying to sell something. They don't give a hoot about wedding etiquette or how you treat your loved ones prior to your wedding.

The reality is that you get a day to celebrate your wedding, which is why it is called your wedding day. You don't hear of a wedding month. If people want to volunteer to have an additional party for you, that is on them. If people want to attend every event that is planned, that is on them. There is no guarantee that either of these things will happen.

Yes, you get to suck it up. That is part of being an adult. You get to be gracious and not talk smack to her or about her. You can stop talking about your wedding plans with her. That may deter her from snagging your plans out from under. Other than that, you don't get to pick her date or not allow her to do what she wants.

hild3912 · December 2011

There are some family inside jokes that I had planned to do from the beginning. I have asked her not to do the jokes because it wont be funny twice (at least not twice so close together) and I have already invested in them. She came to me and asked if I had any I was doing so that she didn't duplicate anything "special". When I told her what I was doing, her response was "I should do that for my wedding".

There have also been things like the bridal shower where we have already paid deposits and announced the dates before she got engaged. And it sounds like I'm just suppose to change my date despite the cost or accept that half of the guests probably wont show up (which would still result in my family incurring a loss).

So, needless to say, etiquette sounds like despite my best efforts to plan my wedding and accommodate my guests over the last 5 months, I get to suck it up because she can come in half way through and get her way. I just can't believe that's the only answer. Life sucks I know but still, she gets her way and my family, bridal party and I have to eat the cost and change our plans? I can live with that if it is the way it is, but lets be realistic. Weddings are almost never just a one day event. Between the bridal showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsals and so on. I got to imagine the average bride has one event a weekend the month before her wedding or one every other weekend over two months.

Viczaesar · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-etiquette-first-cousins-engaged-around-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a644a36-b2d6-4292-b742-75184020d715Post:7895b87c-c524-4d00-ab2f-a80dfda0921f">Re: What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are some family inside jokes that I had planned to do from the beginning. I have asked her not to do the jokes because it wont be funny twice (at least not twice so close together) and I have already invested in them. She came to me and asked if I had any I was doing so that she didn't duplicate anything "special". When I told her what I was doing, her response was "I should do that for my wedding". There have also been things like the bridal shower where we have already paid deposits and announced the dates before she got engaged. And it sounds like I'm just suppose to change my date despite the cost or accept that half of the guests probably wont show up (which would still result in my family incurring a loss). So, needless to say, etiquette sounds like despite my best efforts to plan my wedding and accommodate my guests over the last 5 months, I get to suck it up because she can come in half way through and get her way. I just can't believe that's the only answer. Life sucks I know but still, she gets her way and my family, bridal party and I have to eat the cost and change our plans? I can live with that if it is the way it is, but lets be realistic. Weddings are almost never just a one day event. Between the bridal showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsals and so on. <strong>I got to imagine the average bride has one event a weekend the month before her wedding or one every other weekend over two months.</strong>
Posted by hild3912[/QUOTE]
No, really not. The only event that anyone is required to attend is the actual wedding. It's nice if they can attend the rehearsal as well, but if there are scheduling issues, it's not a big deal if someone can't make it. Showers, engagement parties, bachelor and bachelorette parties, brunches, whatever, are optional for everyone, including the wedding party.

You really need to get over the 'me me me' attitude. You own nothing except your actual wedding day. You don't get to call 3 weeks before; her wedding will trump your shower.

Out of curiosity, how will half the shower guest list not showing up incur a loss for your family?

rlavach · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-etiquette-first-cousins-engaged-around-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a644a36-b2d6-4292-b742-75184020d715Post:79aa99de-7ea1-49c9-93bf-4628e5b1b41d">Re: What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to clarify somethings:2) I know its B*****y not to want have the wedding the week before mine. My concern was not the timing for me, however, I have been trying to keep family in mind. We have a lot of family memebers and friends of the family that will be flying in from out of state or that would be traveling over 3 hours one way per event. I really don't think it's fair to expect the family to pay to attend two weddings so close together. I am not so concerend if she does the wedding before me or after me as much as I think we should be considerate of our guests in an economy where budgets are tight. Weddings are a huge expense for everyone and I just don't feel its fair of her to say "I'll be the only one who misses your bridal shower, its no big deal." A lot of the family had already offered to put in time and expense to the bridal shower before she announced her engagement.
Posted by hild3912[/QUOTE]
I have a good friend who just got engaged (I've been engaged for 4 months), and is getting married 1 week before me. She actually asked me if I minded and if I could still go. I told her to do whatever she wants! It's her wedding! I'll be there, but she won't be at mine b/c she'll be on her honeymoon. We're even sharing a bridesmaid. It's no big deal!<div>
</div><div>I understand your concern regarding family members having double expenses in traveling so close together, but there really isn't anything you can do about it. She is being the inconsiderate one, not you. You can't tell someone when to have their wedding, shower, or any other event. <div>
</div><div>
</div></div>

froggatt.clare · December 2011

Ditto everyone. I don't know what you're talking about, having wedding-related activities every weekend for two months before your wedding. I mean, maybe you and your FI will have tastings and seating pow-wows and things like that, but that won't include your whole family. My FI's brother is throwing him a bachelor party, my sister is planning a bachelorette and shower in the same weekend so those who want to attend don't need to travel twice, and then we have our wedding.

I understand that you are frustrated with the short timing between the two weddings, and concerned about family traveling, but they can all make their own decisions. They're adults. Presumably, they may have already been saving up for travel to your wedding, or booked hotels or flights, so you'll likely get the bulk of the family (although its not a contest, and I'm not saying you're saying it is).

Could it be an option that your shower is early and her wedding is later in the day? This could actually benefit everyone, as family would already be in town for your shower.

lyndausvi · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-etiquette-first-cousins-engaged-around-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a644a36-b2d6-4292-b742-75184020d715Post:7895b87c-c524-4d00-ab2f-a80dfda0921f">Re: What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?</a>:
[QUOTE]. <strong>I got to imagine the average bride has one event a weekend the month before her wedding or one every other weekend over two months.</strong>
Posted by hild3912[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope. My shower was 3 months before the wedding because that is when it was convenient for everyone. I didn't have a b-party. The month before the wedding I attended 2 friends weddings, a chili cook-off and the weekend before I was attending multiple labor day parties. My life was not revolving around my wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>I get it's not ideal for her wedding to be 3 weeks before, but you are being a little over-the-top. Have you done ANYTHING to work around her wedding? I mean you certainly seem to be making a lot of demands from her, but I do not see compassion your side.</div>

orawah878 · December 2011

I'm clearly in the minority, but I have to say that based on the info given, it seems as though OP's cousin is being the poorly behaved one, not her.

It's true, you only get one day and she can choose to have her wedding whenever she wants. She has every right to do that. It's not a considerate thing of her to do, but she's allowed to do it.

If OP and cousin were planning at the same time my answer would be different, but from what I gather here is that OP had her wedding and shower planned, then cousin got engaged fully knowing these dates interferred.

Unfortunately OP, there's nothing you "should" do. If you smile, congratulate her, and graciously accept that you wont have as many guests at your events, you will come off as a kind and considerate person. If all of your events were truly booked with dates sent out before she was even engaged, your guests will begrudge her for the strain on finances and not you.

hild3912 · December 2011

@orawah878: Thank you. Thats exactly what I was trying to get at.
I have offered that we can discuss any dates that were not planned before her engagement. I have no issues with putting my other parties whenever. These conversations haven't continued, I assume because she hasn't reached the point of looking at those dates...or it could just be the holidays in the way.
This is not the only bride I am working with. I have two friends getting married the week before me and the week after me.
The difference here is I am the only one truely affected by the dates and the brides and I have worked out arrangements to spend time together before or after the weddings becuase of the timing of the weddings and well special vacation that are following.
@ Anyone who thinks I am worked up, you mistake my words. I am more curious then upset. Not specifically trying to bash her, I just wanted to know how people have handled situations like this. I know, I haven't handled it perfectly to date but thats why I made this post.

What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?

Re: What is the proper etiquette when first cousins get engaged around the same time?

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