Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite

sandib025 · November 2012

Thank you all so much for your replies! After discussing the disagreement, my FI & I resolved the smaller issue regarding who will be invited, and the larger issue too, his brother's lack of manners and respect causing rifts in our relationship. It was a long, tough argument, but we talked, shed a couple tears, & got over it!

stantokm · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:d9a9ba14-ab03-4bd7-a2ce-ff05e1d2883a">Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Good morning all! I'm in need of some serious advice, so here's the run down. My Fiance & I wld like to stay around 100 ppl, which means we're only inviting family & close friends. Being that my list is a little longer than his, I made some serious cuts, including my estranged dad (whew, that's a story in it's self). Thankfully, my mom is paying for the venue and the catering, leaving us to pay for the odds & ends. Here's were it gets complicated, My fiance's brother is set to finalize his divorce with his wife of 10 yrs in mid December. He has a pregnant, teenaged gf with whom I have no relationship w/ at all (one of many girls he was cheating on his wife with). Both, his brother & his brother's gf live with my fiance's mom, and whenever we go over there, the gf is never polite or says hello, even if I say hello first. On the other hand, I have a great relationship w/ his soon to be ex-wife & the 3 children they share. His brother will be a groomsman, and the children may be in the wedding, at the very least, they'll all be invited along with his ex-wife. Throughout the break up, his brother dragged my name through dirt, and said some pretty nasty things about me. We haven't spoken since March of 2012, excluding a hello on an occasion or 2. With that being said, I'm not too thrilled about him being apart of the wedding, but I understand that he's my fiance's brother, so no objections on my end. However, I do not want his gf there, and my fiance doesn't seem to understand why! All 3 can be immature at times, and I don't want them to ruin my wedding (It's open bar, emotions & liquor, a bad combo). At first, I was thinking we'll invite his brother and his ex-wife & tell them both they aren't to bring anyone. Then, I was willing to give his brother the option of bringing his gf, but under the conditon that his ex-wife can bring a guest as well. I presented that Idea to my fiance & he turned it down b/c he said we'll have to spend extra money on his brother's ex-wife's guest...Well duh, just as we'll have to spend extra money on his brother's gf. The conversation soured and became one of many arguements about his disrespectful, selfish brother, and how my fiance goes out of the way to accomodate to him, although his brother has proven he wouldn't do the same. I can go on, and on, about this situation, but I'll keep it short. At this point, I do not want the gf there @ all, and I think I'm going to stick to my guns about it, but before doing so, I just need the advise of an unbias opinion. Am I being unreasonable? PLS HELP!
Posted by sandib025[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It sucks, but the brother and his girlfriend are now a social unit. As far as etiquette is concerned, social units must be invited together. I would do as you suggested to your fiance and invite the ex-wife with a date. She may very well choose not to come and be around the new girlfriend, but if you're close, you should still invite her. If you think that she would be uncomfortable without a guest, you should give her one of those, too.

</div>

banana468 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:d9a9ba14-ab03-4bd7-a2ce-ff05e1d2883a">Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Good morning all!         I'm in need of some serious advice, so here's the run down. My Fiance & I wld like to stay around 100 ppl, which means we're only inviting family & close friends. Being that my list is a little longer than his, I made some serious cuts, including my estranged dad (whew, that's a story in it's self). Thankfully, my mom is paying for the venue and the catering, leaving us to pay for the odds & ends.      Here's were it gets complicated, My fiance's brother is set to finalize his divorce with his wife of 10 yrs in mid December. He has a pregnant, teenaged gf with whom I have no relationship w/ at all (one of many girls he was cheating on his wife with). Both, his brother & his brother's gf live with my fiance's mom, and whenever we go over there, the gf is never polite or says hello, even if I say hello first. On the other hand, I have a great relationship w/ his soon to be ex-wife & the 3 children they share. His brother will be a groomsman, and the children may be in the wedding, at the very least, they'll all be invited along with his ex-wife. Throughout the break up, his brother dragged my name through dirt, and said some pretty nasty things about me. We haven't spoken since March of 2012, excluding a hello on an occasion or 2.       With that being said, I'm not too thrilled about him being apart of the wedding, but I understand that he's my fiance's brother, so no objections on my end. However, I do not want his gf there, and my fiance doesn't seem to understand why! All 3 can be immature at times, and I don't want them to ruin my wedding (It's open bar, emotions & liquor, a bad combo). At first, I was thinking we'll invite his brother and his ex-wife & tell them both they aren't to bring anyone. Then, I was willing to give his brother the option of bringing his gf, but under the conditon that his ex-wife can bring a guest as well. I presented that Idea to my fiance & he turned it down b/c he said we'll have to spend extra money on his brother's ex-wife's guest...Well duh, just as we'll have to spend extra money on his brother's gf. The conversation soured and became one of many arguements about his disrespectful, selfish brother, and how my fiance goes out of the way to accomodate to him, although his brother has proven he wouldn't do the same. I can go on, and on, about this situation, but I'll keep it short.          At this point, I do not want the gf there @ all, and I think I'm going to stick to my guns about it, but before doing so, I just need the advise of an unbias opinion. <strong>Am I being unreasonable? </strong>PLS HELP!
Posted by sandib025[/QUOTE]

Yes.   This brother may be a jerk but you're refusing to recognize his SO, the woman who is going to be the mother to your niece or nephew.   You don't have to like her but unless she's made threats against you, suck it up and extend the invitation.

There's a difference here: the brother is in a relationship and the ex wife is not.   If they were both in new relationships then you'd need to invite both with their new SOs if they made the guest list.

What amuses me is that you think somehow the addition of the BIL's GF is going to throw things out of whack at your wedding and yet your BIL being around his ex-wife is something you anticipate going swimmingly well?

banana468 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:7d12232e-f91a-47f7-bf73-f7d6dc32a43b">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]What does your fiance think?
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Reading comprehension fail.

crash2729 · November 2012

Is there a reason that the children can't be brought and supervised by the father (your BIL)?

You should invite the GF because they are now a social unit, but for that reason I would probably shy away from inviting the XSIL.

crash2729 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:351d3e21-ecab-4e12-954c-94d0b05c1407">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : No need to insult -- unless you do not like to hear others opinions. <strong> I do think that as the brother is her fiance's relative,</strong> she should get his opinion. As to social unit rule, this situation, shows how screwed up it gets when taken to extreme. <strong>Decent people do not have fiancees when they are still legally married. I do not think the new GF qualifies as spouse, fiance or long time partner.</strong>
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
She already said what her FI thinks.<div>
</div><div>OP's wedding is in October. If they are still together, then they are a social unit. </div>

achiduck · November 2012

They're a couple. Invite her. Be polite and thank her for coming and let that be the end of your interaction with her at the wedding.

Her presence will not ruin you day.

sandib025 · November 2012

Thanks for the responses & advice, I guess I'll have to suck it up and invite the GF. I'll speak with the ex-wife about her option of bringing a guest. The wedding isn't until Oct. 2013, so anything can happen between now & then. The ex-wife & I are really good friends, we've shared similar childhoods & we've been a support system for each other as far as getting over certain things. It will devastate her if she weren't invited, and honestly, I just really want her there, we've helped each other grow so much.

Also, I'm more of an outspoken, take on any situation head on type of person, a direct result of my upbringing, my fiance is more of a laid back type of guy. I'm trying to adopt his way of handling things, so a lot of things that his brother has done to disrupt our home I didn't address although I really wanted to. So I guess having a say so in who he brings was my passive-aggressive way of putting my foot down. I'll send them all save the dates & see how it goes. Thanks so much everyone!

sandib025 · November 2012

I'm going to speak with the ex-wife about the entire situation, and advise her that the girlfriend will be invited. That'll give her more than enough time to mentally prepare for the GF's presence, and to choose a date accordingly for support.. ie: Her sister, bestfriend, or if she choses to bring a guy.

I have to send out STDs b/c the wedding's on a Friday, maybe I'll exclude those three from the STDs and sort of play it by ear when the actual invites go out.

Btw, how do u all quote my question/replies in the blue box? I don't know who to do that.

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

Honestly OP, your post reeks of displaced anger. The GF makes a very convenient target for your feelings regarding the breakup, and your defensiveness for the ex-wife, which is a good friend of yours. Honestly, if there were anyone in this situation to make a 'stand' against, it would be the cheating jerk that sunk his entire family for a teenaged girl.

Teenagers don't have the best manners, as a general rule. It's not personal, it's just that they are literally building their social skills at that point in their lives. Some are slower than others. I'm more concerned with the emotional and mental damage being done by an older man preying on her when she's at such an easily confused age ("ooo, an older man wants me, that makes me important right? Valuable? Worth loving?). Ugh, gives me the shivers.

Invite them both, ignore the fact that they both exist for the day. Honestly, you won't even notice they are there for 99.99% of the time. You're getting married, that emotionally trumps everything, even breathing for some brides (as evidenced by the girls who faint at the altar). Everything else will fade away to next to nothing. I think an earthquake couldn't shake my smile that day.

lyndausvi · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:351d3e21-ecab-4e12-954c-94d0b05c1407">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : No need to insult -- unless you do not like to hear others opinions. I do think that as the brother is her fiance's relative, she should get his opinion. As to social unit rule, this situation, shows how screwed up it gets when taken to extreme. Decent people do not have fiancees when they are still legally married. I do not think the new GF qualifies as spouse, fiance or long time partner.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

They live together and are about to have a child together. Said child will be a niece/nephew. Assuming they are together I say that qualifies.

zantster · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:e6972ede-f561-473d-98ca-9494c4bce14f">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly OP, your post reeks of displaced anger. The GF makes a very convenient target for your feelings regarding the breakup, and your defensiveness for the ex-wife, which is a good friend of yours. Honestly, if there were anyone in this situation to make a 'stand' against, it would be the cheating jerk that sunk his entire family for a teenaged girl. Teenagers don't have the best manners, as a general rule. It's not personal, it's just that they are literally building their social skills at that point in their lives. Some are slower than others. I'm more concerned with the emotional and mental damage being done by an older man preying on her when she's at such an easily confused age ("ooo, an older man wants me, that makes me important right? Valuable? Worth loving?). Ugh, gives me the shivers. Invite them both, ignore the fact that they both exist for the day. Honestly, you won't even notice they are there for 99.99% of the time. You're getting married, that emotionally trumps everything, even breathing for some brides (as evidenced by the girls who faint at the altar). Everything else will fade away to next to nothing. I think an earthquake couldn't shake my smile that day.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Yup. This.

Jen4948 · November 2012

As obnoxious as the GF is, I think you're stuck inviting her unless your FBIL breaks up with her.

You don't have to let her spoil the day for you-she doesn't have to be in your wedding party, and you don't owe her more than basic civility. Stay focused on the happy elements of the day and don't let her get you down.

Also, as close as you are to the ex, remember that it took two to break up her marriage, just as it took two to make it. You don't and never will have all the back story, so I wouldn't be too partisan towards her.

banana468 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:351d3e21-ecab-4e12-954c-94d0b05c1407">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : No need to insult -- unless you do not like to hear others opinions. I do think that as the brother is her fiance's relative, she should get his opinion. As to social unit rule, this situation, shows how screwed up it gets when taken to extreme. Decent people do not have fiancees when they are still legally married. I do not think the new GF qualifies as spouse, fiance or long time partner.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Not insulting others.   The OP said in the OP that her FI was not a fan of inviting the ex-wife with a SO and that he goes out of his way to accomodate the brother.

This isn't about who is decent.   The dude has a SO and she's pregnant with his kid.   You don't have to like how it happened but the divorce has happened and now the dude has moved on.

Decent people also don't create a list of 'who qualifies as a SO' as a result of their own family issues.   They acknowledge partners for who they are.

OliveOilsMom · November 2012

When you said the gf is a teenager. I'm hoping she is over 18, right?

PP have given you great advice. Invite the gf, don't send out STDs, and give the x-SIL a guest if that's what you want to do. If your FI is upset about the possible cost of inviting x-SIL and a guest, let him know that your mother would be paying for her dinner and any extra things needed for her would be small costs pp.

sandib025 · November 2012

Thank you all so much! Great point as far as the GF just being a rude teenager, I have nieces around her age, so I try to remember that whenever I'm around her. For the displaced anger portion, I'm not angry about their decision to divorce, it isn't my place too, and I believe that they both deserve happiness, even if that happiness lies outside of their relationship. It really boils down to his brother's nasty attitude and my fiance always appeasing him. I've dealt with it thus far, but I refuse to not invite someone to OUR wedding b/c of him & the mess he's created.

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:642aa5ae-3ef4-4073-a6c7-4c192c896d0e">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all so much! Great point as far as the GF just being a rude teenager, I have nieces around her age, so I try to remember that whenever I'm around her. For the displaced anger portion, I'm not angry about their decision to divorce, it isn't my place too, and I believe that they both deserve happiness, even if that happiness lies outside of their relationship. It really boils down to his brother's nasty attitude and my fiance always appeasing him. I've dealt with it thus far, but I refuse to not invite someone to OUR wedding b/c of him & the mess he's created.
Posted by sandib025[/QUOTE]

But then why single out the girl as a 'punishment' for the brother's 'nasty attitude'? Why does SHE get ostracized? Why does SHE get excluded? Why does SHE suffer for your anger? Displacement. She's an easy target. If you are so angry against HIM, and absolutely MUST punish someone, punish him.

Don't make that girl's life more miserable than it already is. It's in shambles from a predator and she doesn't even know it. Kicking her more publically is seriously not the way to go. Aim your scorn where it belongs.

sandib025 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:d9a9ba14-ab03-4bd7-a2ce-ff05e1d2883a">Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Good morning all! I'm in need of some serious advice, so here's the run down. My Fiance & I wld like to stay around 100 ppl, which means we're only inviting family & close friends. Being that my list is a little longer than his, I made some serious cuts, including my estranged dad (whew, that's a story in it's self). Thankfully, my mom is paying for the venue and the catering, leaving us to pay for the odds & ends. Here's were it gets complicated, My fiance's brother is set to finalize his divorce with his wife of 10 yrs in mid December. He has a pregnant, teenaged gf with whom I have no relationship w/ at all (one of many girls he was cheating on his wife with). Both, his brother & his brother's gf live with my fiance's mom, and whenever we go over there, the gf is never polite or says hello, even if I say hello first. On the other hand, I have a great relationship w/ his soon to be ex-wife & the 3 children they share. His brother will be a groomsman, and the children may be in the wedding, at the very least, they'll all be invited along with his ex-wife. Throughout the break up, his brother dragged my name through dirt, and said some pretty nasty things about me. We haven't spoken since March of 2012, excluding a hello on an occasion or 2. With that being said, <strong>I'm not too thrilled about him being apart of the wedding, but I understand that he's my fiance's brother, so no objections on my end. However, I do not want his gf there, and my fiance doesn't seem to understand why! All 3 can be immature at times, and I don't want them to ruin my wedding (It's open bar, emotions & liquor, a bad combo). At first, I was thinking we'll invite his brother and his ex-wife & tell them both they aren't to bring anyone. Then, I was willing to give his brother the option of bringing his gf, but under the conditon that his ex-wife can bring a guest as well. I presented that Idea to my fiance & he turned it down b/c he said we'll have to spend extra money on his brother's ex-wife's guest...Well duh, just as we'll have to spend extra money on his brother's gf</strong>. The conversation soured and became one of many arguements about his disrespectful, selfish brother, and how my fiance goes out of the way to accomodate to him, although his brother has proven he wouldn't do the same. I can go on, and on, about this situation, but I'll keep it short. At this point, I do not want the gf there @ all, and I think I'm going to stick to my guns about it, but before doing so, I just need the advise of an unbias opinion. Am I being unreasonable? PLS HELP!
Posted by sandib025[/QUOTE]

I'm not trying to exclude his GF just for the heck of it, just as I'm not trying to exclude whoever his wife may want to bring. I'm just trying to keep the peace @ our wedding, so I was going to ask that neither of them bring a guest. Not knowing if it was proper to do so, I came up with a solution to the issue, but after that was shot down by my fiance I was back to not wanting either of them to bring a guest. So I brought the situation here for advice. After thinking about it, and considering the advice offered by everyone, I'm going to invite them all & enjoy my special day.

banana468 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:90b243c6-34ff-40ba-a990-76186e244e16">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : I'm not trying to exclude his GF just for the heck of it, just as I'm not trying to exclude whoever his wife may want to bring. I'm just trying to keep the peace @ our wedding, so I was going to ask that neither of them bring a guest. Not knowing if it was proper to do so, I came up with a solution to the issue, but after that was shot down by my fiance I was back to not wanting either of them to bring a guest. So I brought the situation here for advice. After thinking about it, and considering the advice offered by everyone, I'm going to invite them all & enjoy my special day.
Posted by sandib025[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing: the pregnant GF is NOT A GUEST. She's the SO of the brother and gets invited BECAUSE she's the SO. For you to make some kind of judgement call about this would be really inappropriate. You don't have to like her but if you want to know what the 'right' thing is, inviting your FBIL with his SO is the correct thing to do.

And FFS, PLEASE do not use the phrase, "Enjoy my special day." You're not going to be alone that day so the day is hardly just yours.

sandib025 · November 2012

I'm new to this, wedding etiquette, planning a wedding & this site, so regardless if she's a SO (I don't know what that means), or a guest, she's invited, that's been determined. As far as calling it MY special day, it's just that, MY special day, along with my FH. Although, I won't be alone, it's my wedding day, a special day centered around my FH & I. Saying that it's my special day doesn't mean that I have no regards for the feelings of others, hence me coming here for advice on how to handle this situation.

My bestfriend & my brother just had a wedding in September of 2012, and my bestfried, the bride, did not enjoy her wedding so much due to drama, uninvited guest showing up, and a few other things. I'm just trying to prevent that from happening to me.

RamonaFlowers · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:81553fef-12ef-4269-abba-832123bb6ab3">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE] Also, as close as you are to the ex, <strong>remember that it took two to break up her marriage, just as it took two to make it. </strong>You don't and never will have all the back story, so I wouldn't be too partisan towards her.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Um, what the f*ck are you smoking? The marriage ended because FBIL was sleeping around and knocked up a teenager. How on God's green earth is the ex-wife even partially to blame for that?

OliveOilsMom · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:0f785929-0574-4997-be82-55f494e231c8">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm new to this, wedding etiquette, planning a wedding & this site, so regardless if she's a SO (I don't know what that means), or a guest, she's invited, that's been determined. As far as calling it MY special day, it's just that, MY special day, along with my FH. Although, I won't be alone, it's my wedding day, a special day centered around my FH & I. Saying that it's my special day doesn't mean that I have no regards for the feelings of others, hence me coming here for advice on how to handle this situation. My bestfriend & my brother just had a wedding in September of 2012, and my bestfried, the bride, did not enjoy her wedding so much due to drama, uninvited guest showing up, and a few other things. I'm just trying to prevent that from happening to me.
Posted by sandib025[/QUOTE]

As soon as you invite one other person to your wedding (other than FI), the day stops being about you. You need to make sure you host your guests properly. And as you said, it's not just your day, it's also your FI's day. The attitude of "It's MY day", should be taken out of your vocabulary. You want to have friends and family who like you after your wedding? Then it's best to stop using the phrase or you could end up looking like a spoiled brat.

And it seems like BIL's GF is under 18? Then call Children Services! BIL is taken advantage of an underaged girl!

crash2729 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:4dcd4056-502d-40c3-a8c3-3154d072f98c">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite :<strong> There are some other things you can do to prevent this situation from 'ruining your wedding'. You should instruct your bartenders to card anyone that looks like they are under 35, and to cut people off if they are intoxicated. People will find a way to drink if they want to but if you have safeguards in place at least you can minimize it and you are not the one responsible for it. </strong> I can't tell if you are concerned about the teenager drinking but I would be. Finally, if they do get disruptive, they can be escorted out by venue security. They'll be the ones who look bad because they can't behave, not you because you slighted a family member's significant other. On the other issues I agree with PPs. I would not send any of these people STDs as a lot can change in the months before your invites go out and this may become a non-issue.
Posted by derksenriley[/QUOTE]<div>OH FFS. </div><div>Most venues will make you use a licensed bartender. All of these things are something that a licensed bartender must do to keep their certification.</div><div>I'm sure that OP will have to tell no bartender how to do their job.

</div>

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:9fc06191-5592-4549-845b-ec6e40d744a5">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : <strong> Um, what the f*ck are you smoking?</strong> The marriage ended because FBIL was sleeping around and knocked up a teenager. How on God's green earth is the ex-wife even partially to blame for that?
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

There could well have been other factors involved that the OP didn't write about. For all we know, there were other problems in the marriage that the ex-wife was responsible for.

Knock off the rudeness towards me before you go around making judgments.

RamonaFlowers · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:9ec379ac-fe00-479b-909b-96dbd11d18d6">Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]There is never any "factor" that makes it a person's fault when their spouse cheats, period. If there are problems in the marriage too great to overcome, you end the marriage THEN go knock up a teenager. Not the other way around. I'm usually pretty much a "it takes two" kind of person, but sorry infidelity and abuse don't take both parties of the married couple. <strong>When you choose to cheat, you are solely responsible for ending the marriage, in my book.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Exactly. And if you have the nerve to try and blame somebody for their spouse cheating on them (Which is the situation at hand) or being abusive, then I f*cking judge you.

Signed-a woman that has been cheated on, abused and raped by an ex and took YEARS to realize that IT WASN'T <strong>MY</strong> FAULT.

KellyBrian2013 · November 2012

In Response to Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite:[QUOTE]OH FFS.nbsp;Most venues will make you use a licensed bartender. All of these things are something that a licensed bartender must do to keep their certification.I'm sure that OP will have to tell no bartender how to do their job. Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

We had licensed bartenders that didn't card a single guest. Not one. In fact, we had three tables with people entirely under 21 one table that was clearly all children under the age of 16 and the venue's staff placed open wine bottles at all of them. We had teenage guests getting drinks from the bar all night.

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:1fbba3b4-97d3-4713-b5a6-d01198060004">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : You also seem to be making judgements about the ex wife.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

Actually, I was making no judgments at all-I merely said that both could have contributed to the breakup of the marriage in some way and we were hearing only one side of the story.

derksenriley · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:279eae94-7be7-43b7-a572-a41e342d015b">Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite: We had licensed bartenders that didn't card a single guest. Not one. In fact, we had three tables with people entirely under 21 one table that was clearly all children under the age of 16 and the venue's staff placed open wine bottles at all of them. We had teenage guests getting drinks from the bar all night.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

This is why I offered my suggestions, crash. Obviously licensed bartenders know how to do their jobs but it doesn't mean it always happens. (Also we don't know what kind of venue or bartenders she's working with here so they may need more firm guidelines.) OP seems worried about the open bar and people mixing their emotions with liquor. And the girlfriend is not of drinking age. I think this kind of thing happens at weddings all the time and OP is right to be worried about it. It's not out of line to suggest to her that she remind the bartenders of her expectations - she came here seeking advice on how to minimize the disruption at her wedding from this situation.

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:aca3f5c3-796d-49e6-8f0c-08cedb92bd43">Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite : Right but I think the OP was more concerned about the fact the girlfriend doesn't really talk to her. It's less about the circumstances of how everything came about, imo.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, it doesn't absolve her of the responsibility to invite the girlfriend, no matter how obnoxious she is.

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:9ec379ac-fe00-479b-909b-96dbd11d18d6">Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]There is never any "factor" that makes it a person's fault when their spouse cheats, period. If there are problems in the marriage too great to overcome, you end the marriage THEN go knock up a teenager. Not the other way around. I'm usually pretty much a "it takes two" kind of person, but sorry infidelity and abuse don't take both parties of the married couple. When you choose to cheat, you are solely responsible for ending the marriage, in my book.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but while there may never be any "factor" that makes it a person's fault when their spouse cheats, I still believe that just as it takes two to make a marriage, it still takes two to end it. That the other person chose to end it because of the cheating, abuse, or whatever caused them to end it still makes that decision to end it that person's decision. It is the right decision, yes. But it took the decisions of both spouses to get there.

crash2729 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-drama-to-invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e8670f76-8084-4b96-81c6-ff0bc200f140Post:279eae94-7be7-43b7-a572-a41e342d015b">Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite: We had licensed bartenders that didn't card a single guest. Not one. In fact, we had three tables with people entirely under 21 one table that was clearly all children under the age of 16 and the venue's staff placed open wine bottles at all of them. We had teenage guests getting drinks from the bar all night.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]
...Seriously? <div>That's flat out ridiculous. </div>

Guest Drama! To Invite, or Not To Invite

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