out of control guest list

jz0930 · April 2010

What is the best way to tell people who assumed that they are invited to your wedding, that they really arent. Not because you don't want them there, but bc there just isn't enough room! I am not a confrontational person so this is going to be very uncomfortable for me. Any easy way out of this?

timandrachel2010 · April 2010

What about when you are inviting co-workers but you can't invite them all. I can't really say I am inviting 6 of you and your dates but I want to keep it small so I can't invite that 7th or 8th person, they will think I am just lying. I'm struggling b/c there are certain people I am definitely inviting from work, but if other co-workers see they are invited they are going to wonder why I can't invite them too. What do I do?

stalterm · April 2010

That was my question, I am not having a small wedding but I am still over on my guest list by almost 100 people!!!! It's not the people who are asking me, but their family, ie: is my sister invited? or You invited my Parents didn't you?

Erin Kathleen Coppersmith · April 2010

I have had the problem with guests thinking that it's okay to bring a guest when there is NOTHING on their invitation like "and guest" or the name of someone else like a boyfriend. Trust me...it's awkward. However, you have to remember this is YOUR day and no matter what other people think, it will be perfect.

In my opinion, no one should ever assume they're invited to a wedding because that's not fair to the bride and groom. However, a lot of people do it anyways...so if they say something just mention that the wedding is going to be small and you're emphasizing family (this can be a small fib if needed).

If they act offended, then that's their own problem. IF they were supportive of you and your decision, then they probably would have been invited in the first place (haha).

Alley08 · April 2010

If I let some people on my list bring a guest, do I have to let everyone on the list bring a guest? This is making my guest list much bigger very quickly!

angzhillis · April 2010

What if you're having a larger wedding? My attending guest list right now is about 180 and its hard for me to tell people that I can't invite them because i'm having a small wedding. I also feel that if I say ok to some people I have to say ok to ALL people. Its SO overwhelming =(
HELP!

thequeenoftarts · April 2010

I find that people who are really your friends will understand. We decided to keep our list small and went with the rule that we did not want to say "It is nice to meet you" to a single person at the weddding. We are in our 30s + 40s and this is about us and our closest friends and family - people who really care about you should understand. The best advice we have received from people is to not settle on things like the guest list, and if you make one exception, it will be really hard to not make others.

AKIrvin06 · April 2010

I think the big thing too is making sure your parents and FI's parents know the venue size because they'll want an opinion on adding family and family friends to the list. I learned this the hard way because both sets have added people...albeit not very manyand they are people who definitely deserve an invite, but it's nerve-wracking knowing that if everyone comes you won't fit in the venue...Thank Goodness that never happens!

squirrly · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-control-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d16f4262-95f0-49f5-b5ea-b1bdbcaf9c27Post:d9ceb391-a2e3-4092-88e8-d32fe8502c0c">Re: out of control guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]What if you're having a larger wedding? My attending guest list right now is about 180 and its hard for me to tell people that I can't invite them because i'm having a small wedding. I also feel that if I say ok to some people I have to say ok to ALL people. Its SO overwhelming =( HELP!
Posted by angzhillis[/QUOTE]

That's why you really shouldn't say WHY you can't invite everyone. They don't need to know if it's because of space, budget, etc. Doesn't really matter. Just say that you can't invite everyone with whom you'd like to celebrate. Generic but accurate.

Thangelic · April 2010

Just remember that this is YOUR day! and you FI too. If people are hurt because of their assumptions then it isn't your fault and you really shouldn't worry about it. You have many other things to worry about, plus they will get over it.

If someone on your guest list is in a serious relationship, live in or married then you should probably invite them plus guest, but if you are inviting a friend who is single or newly dating someone then I wouldn't add a plus one and make sure that is very clear.

No one is going to hold a grudge about this, people should be pretty understanding and if they are not... well maybe you don't really need those type of people in your life.

GOOD LUCK!!

JJC0120 · April 2010

How do you get your own mother to stop adding people you don't even know to the guest list when she is paying for the majority of the wedding? My fiance and I wanted only close friends and family which still gave us a guest list of about 120. Now our wedding is a little under the six month mark and our attendee list is up to 150! HELP, she is out of control!

kiavera · April 2010

I am having the same issue one of my friends heard i was getting married and told me she would be there and she was booking her ticket...huh? I wasn't going to invite her if she goes that opens the door to tons of others whose feelings are going to get hurt...my guest list is already huge....i was going to invite some to the bridal shower just because i wanted them to feel included in some way even if they couldn't come to the wedding but that is also odd and I am not having an engagement part...STRESSED

HannahBrombal · April 2010

angz, I am having the same problem!! We are getting married about 9 hours from where we currently live, so I (being really naive apparently) am thinking, "Oh, not very many people will drive that far. We can just have a reception back here to celebrate with all our friends who can't make it. No big deal." Yeah, that would have worked if everyone and their mom didn't suddenly decide they were invited and making travel plans to come to the wedding. It's awkward because FI and I went to a small private school where everyone knows everyone so if we don't invite some people, they will wonder why so-and-so was invited, but they weren't. And FI, bless his heart, wants to invite everyone, which is great except we can't afford to feed everyone. That's why we thought of the second reception in the first place! I hate offending people, and these are all our friends and we really love and care about them, so I'm not quite sure. My main fear is totally spacing inviting someone (which has already happened several times until I was reminded by some people that I was inviting them). Sorry this rant is so long, I'm just right in the same boat and don't know how to keep from tipping over!

TiaMatthew · April 2010

Tell me about it! I can't believe that grown adults come up to us and ask us if they are invited! I agree with everyone, just tell them you would love to but you are on a budget. We wanted to have an intimate wedding, and when I say intimate I mean less than two hundred because our families are so big. I don't know what to do either, for example, do I invite people from work. Those are the ones that keep asking us if they're invited. So stressful!!!

emma5w · April 2010

RE: people asking if they're invited: When my sister and her husband were planning their wedding, they had one friend who offered to PAY them so that he could be invited! I guess they had been considering inviting him, but after that, my sister was like, "Um, no, he's off the list." He ended up coming anyway as a guest of another person. So rude!

RE: making exceptions because your/his parents ask: We have said from the very beginning of planning and compiling guest lists that our age cut-off is 18 and older. FI has 2 cousins who live in FL and are 17 and 15. My FMIL thinks they should be allowed to come because their parents are travelling from FL and they are his first cousins - even though they are obviously below our stated age restriction (which has been stated, mulitple times!). FI says, "Well maybe she's right." No! If we allow them to come, then we have to allow other family/friends to bring their teenagers!

Why don't people understand this?

tr001 · April 2010

We are running into the same dilema as far as budgets are concerned. What we plan to do is invite those guests to our "After Party", so that after the cermony and main parts of the reception are over they can still come and celebrate. They won't feel left out and we won't have to worry about the added expense of feeding them

siple1am · April 2010

If you want out of control, you should see my guest list. I wanted 200 people, one hundred from each side, and now my guest list is somewhere in the 300s...But because of our big families, it took up the entire 200 people!

People ask me all the time if they are invited, and even though its rude and classless, I usually just give them the truth. "You know, I haven't talked to you in years, and our guest list is finalized with all the vendors, or else I would have loved to have you there." Something along those lines, especially old friends from high school who start talking to me once they find out I'm engaged. Just relax, if people aren't invited its for a reason and just say you can't accomodate everyone.

woktor2010 · April 2010

I had the same issue with the guest list and was freaking out about it. My FI couldn't understand why I was so stressed bc people just shoudln't assume they're invited. But unfortunately they do! I kept it vague when anyone asked and said "After number crunching, we're having just family and a few close friends." Then we tried to cut groups of people (e.g. all MY co-workers) so no one would be offended that their friend was invited and they weren't. At the end of the day though, it's your wedding, so you have to try not to worry about everyone else.

maryp13 · April 2010

I know how you feel... I'm having the same as you . We are having an anniversary party and we have limited space too. I have several people who found out by the ones invited and asked why I didnt get a invite? We even explained about the limited space, it being an intimate gathering, just close family and friends. But they get all PO at us . I really feel that some of the people that get all mad need to chill. Just stick to your guns..some may get their feelings hurt but they have to understand . This is your day and if their name is not on the list there was a reason and it was not intentional it was all about limited space

[Deleted User] · April 2010

My guest list is 125 and I invited exactly 125. Problem comes in when the RSVP arrives with 2-3 more people than invited. I so graciously call or email them to let them know...it ain't happening!! I am having a adult only wedding, with the exception of a few children and people are RSVPing their children. What do I do? Call them and tell them their kids cannot come. Don't feel bad about telling them no. I don't and I am a very tender hearted person. If you can't do it, don't fret.

asbrow165 · April 2010

In our case, the wedding is open but the reception is closed. So we tell people they are more than welcome to come to wedding, but the recption is small and intimate. Its very hard for me also! People are so bold to ask!

Katiediditmom · April 2010

A polite yet to the point phrase you could use is "I am sorry. As with any occassion, the guest list had to be limited." This cuts out any possibility of negotiation, such as cost and the uninvited guest offering to pay, etc.

tinabtina18 · April 2010

This seems to happen to every Bride!!! I too have been struggling with our guest list. My MIL wants to add on to our already overflowing guest list. Whern I tried to explain to her that our guest list was finished and that we would not be adding more, she insisted on handing me over a 3 page list of her distant family and friends. I again explained that we were not adding any more and that we did not want to go over the max. count four the venue. In reply, she stated that we could expect 35% not to show up and again insisted we invite her portion of the list. When I tried to clarify that we were already inviting over the max. capacity (215) and we only want 180 or less, because we want to keep it small and intimate, she insisted we invite people that my FI use to spend the night at their house in grade school and they think of him as family!!! My FI did not put them on the list so obviously they are not that important to him, considering he has not seen them since grade school. Them my MIL insisted we invite one of our friend's parent, also good friend to my MIL, and if we did not she would be devistated. When I tried to explain that we were not inviting any of our friend's parents as a way to cut down the list, she turned to my FI and told him how this woman feels like she is the second mother to him and she would be deeply hurt if she did not receive an invitation. I have only met this "second mother" twice FYI. On top of it all we are having a destination wedding in the next state over. I feel like we have tried to do everything we can to keep it small with only close family and friends but my MIL keeps insisting we do it her way.

heidi431 · April 2010

I had no idea wedding guest lists were so complicated! I have a large family and I have to invite them all. That leaves some of my friends out. Oh, and my Mom's friends are throwing me a shower and now I feel obligated to either decline the shower or invite them to the wedding.

I guess that I would say to be upfront and tell them they are regretfully not invited and the reason why (intimate/small wedding, large family, etc) instead of just not sending them an invite. However, I understand that it is hard and complicated.

1varrato · April 2010

Gosh, I am SO surprised to see how many bride’s are going through the same thing. Here is my ordeal…My fiancé and I went over and over our guest list numerous times, my parents added maybe 8 people and our list TOTAL was around 150….my fiance’s parents had this guest list for at least a month, finally I get it back and they added 40 people!!!!!!!! Who does that!?? My parents soooo generously offered to help with most of the wedding expenses while his family hasn’t offered a thing. These FORTY people include his mom’s co-workers and great great aunts and uncles AND now she wants to put tables inside the family room to our BACKYARD wedding just to fit these people we don’t even know. Who wants random people at their wedding AND in a completely separate room!?!?

[Deleted User] · April 2010

So there is woman I went to college with. I wouldn't call us close but we use to talk a lot, go to lunch thats it. She out right said I better be invited to the wedding (with a smile). I tried the whole I am having a small wedding, its out of town thing and she said "I don't care I'm still going to be there!" (once againw ith a smile). It was one of those really akward your smiling but you mean it momments.

alexis1318 · April 2010

We had the same problem, almost 300 people. My fiance and I decided what we wanted and it is just to have immediate family and close friends. The "other" guests that assume they are coming when posed with wedding questions we just tell them the wedding will be for family only. Also we are going to send out announcements after we get married to the "other" people just announcing our wedding. The other idea you could do also is for the "others" is to throw a more caual bbq. Hope this helps.

kariandjim · April 2010

I have had the same issue for sure...and I feel bad that I can't invite some people because I do want them there and I would LOVE for EVERYONE I've ever met to come to our special day, but financially I just can't do it. I was SHOCKED at how many people would say "I can't wait to be there, or I'm invited right, or even YOU BETTER invite me"? It just blew my mind...I still don't get that!! There was one person in particular I was tempted to just not invite because of that...but I let that go. Turns out we are doing an A, B & C list...it's not the best manner of things and of course you NEVER tell anyone you did that. And we put all the people we knew we had to have like immediate family, closest friends, wedding party, etc. on A list and then we evaluated who we thought would actually make it and did some "estimating" on numbers. Then we made a "B" list of people we would like to be there for sure but not sure we could add them yet, and once we get some RSVP's of "No" we will then send an invite out to the list of B people...you have to send your invitations out a little earlier with this, and then send them sparatically and let people know you just haven't sent them all out yet, doing chunks at a time. Not a lie

And then the C list is people we would like to see but are pretty sure won't be able to get invited due to cost, but we will more than likely still send them an announcement.

Good luck!! And I do understand. It's very hard!! My wedding's 4 months away and I'm still struggling with it. And then if you meet new friends....well that's a whole other ball game!

eileenpmccarroll · April 2010

Hi There,

You'll have to develop a response of "I'm sorry but the venue we've selected is at full capacity" Trust me, you'll need htis not only for people who assume they are invited, but also those who have been invited as a "single" and send back a response card with "2" I've had to send "sorry, at capacity with immediate family and close friends " email a number of times. The main thing is not to feel bad, or guilty. The reception is a huge financial outlay, and you have every right to contain costs.

njpabzy · April 2010

I hear and feel all of your pain. Our guest list with family and friends is at 200 and our biggest problem is children and invtites from our church. We would love to allow everyone to bring their kids, which is about 48 kids, and we would love to invite everyone from our congregation but space is the problem. I know we are inviting family with children but i am afraid of hurting my friends feelings and as for church i just dont know what to do - i simply dont have the space for everyone and I dont know how to handle it. As for church I have read that inviting the entire congregation to the ceremony and only some to the reception is ok if it is the norm at our church - problem is our church hasnt had a wedding in years so there is no norm and we dont have the time in between ceremony and reception to do a cake punch thing - we are planning on having a lunch after church the following week but i am still not sure how to handle things on the day of the wedding. Sorry for long post. Just dont know what to do and i like others cant say we are having a small intimate reception when i have 200+ invited. The coworker invites are also an issue - eloping sounds better ever day.

Jeni1974 · April 2010

I had a cousin who ask me via FACEBOOK and I felt it was rude. I haven't been in touch with this cousin for over 20 years but happen to reconnect via Facebook, why would I invite you, I don't even know you.
I handled the situation by telling her we were keeping it small and intimate.

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