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Am I a bad Aunt already? -- - almost afraid to ask this.

mrsb711mrsb711
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in Snarky Brides
Ok, I'm discussing this here first in case I'm out to lunch and don't realize how mean this is. Please call me a bridezilla if I am being one:

My fiance's brother and his wife just had their first child (YAY!). Little baby will be 4 months at my wedding. We have a good relationship with brother and his wife but sometimes the wife can be a little emotional (overreact / get upset easily etc.) 
They are both in the wedding party (best man and bridesmaid), so I really don't want..... here it comes.....

My nephew at my wedding. I know, I feel bad even thinking it, but I don't know how it would work. He'll be less than a year old, and the ceremony is going to be outside. What if he starts sceaming because he gets hot or bored? Who will be holding him? Does my future mother in law have to get up and leave with the baby while he's screaming and miss her son getting married? Also, where is the baby going to go when we all do photos? Is a guest suppose to take care of him? (Fiance has very small family and his brother's wife will not know anyone else that well).Where is baby going to sit at dinner when his mom and dad are at the head table? And you catch my drift...

I haven't discussed this with FSIL or FBIL. I don't even know whether or not they plan on brining him. But if they are, I can picture FSIL getting very offended if I say the things above. My fiance is on the same page with me, and he also feels awkward asking his brother - at least right now.

It would make sense to me that he stays with my FSIL parents. They aren't coming to the wedding (weren't invited), and they live 5 minutes away from the wedding venue. 

What do I do? I'm really not a bad Aunt (at least I don't think I am), I just don't know what normal procedure is here. Am I way out of line? Do I let FSIL pick whether or not she wants to bring him, or do I air my issues / concerns with her? 
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Re: Am I a bad Aunt already? -- - almost afraid to ask this.

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    Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
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    Are you going to invite other children to the wedding?
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    gower2begower2be
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    If there are going to be other children there its a bad idea to ask them not to bring him, but I totally understand. I want to ask my aunt to leave her monster 6 year old at home but I am allowing other children there and all are about that age range. So you need to express you concerns to them and hope for the best.
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    mrsb711mrsb711
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    No other kids are invited or excluded. None of our friends have kids, and we don't have anyone under 21 in our family.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    Small babies usually travel with the mother, especially if they are nursing. You should leave it up to the babies parents whether they bring him or not. Most parents won't leave such a small infant for an entire day with a sitter. Since the parents are in your wedding party, you could let them bring a trusted helper (maybe the other grandparents?)  with them, in case the baby gets fussy during the ceremony. You should leave the logistics up to the parents.

                       
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    puokgirlpuokgirl
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    If she'll be breastfeeding, it might not be feasible for the baby to stay behind.
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    JHS16JHS16 member
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    I would trust the parents to make the best decision regarding their newborn.  I'm sure they are considering their options and want the baby to be as comfortable and as happy as he can be, and that may convince them to find a caretaker for a few hours.  Maybe you could even offer a highly recommend sitter to care for him during the wedding and be nearly so they can check up on him easily?  That would be an easily justifiable expense. 
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    Katie829Katie829 member
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    For a friend of the families wedding, no children were invited but the bride had a year old son. I watched the son during the wedding, and babysit during the reception. The reception was in a hotel, and I was staying a few floors away. You never know though, some parents may take this oppurtunity to have a date night. However being part of the bridal party, means they will be busy for a long chunk of the day, so seeing the baby might be needed
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    SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
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    I think you are overthinking this. A 4 month old can sit with his parents at the head table, he doesn't even need another chair! I think you should be open to him being there. HIs parents know what it takes to care for him, so if they want him there, and are willing to care for him during that time, then there is no reason he shouldn't be there.

    I say let them make the decision to leave him home or not. That way they can't be mad at you. If they bring him, they know they will be caring for him. If they want to leave early to go home with him, that's their choice as grown adults. I'm thinking the mother of a 4 month old is not going to want to leave him with a sitter ALL day and night. Plus, if she's breastfeeding, she will need to be near him, or at least leave the party to go pump. That will be no different than having him there and leaving the party to feed him.
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    megandjaymegandjay member
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    A few comments:

    Most women who breastfeed also pump, so that they can be separated from the baby for a few hours. If your FSIL is exclusively breastfeeding then she should have declined the BM slot- because or else she will having a baby on her breast during the ceremony, huh?


    Don't worry about it, let them figure it out, it's their kid. As the bride, it is not your job to find babysitters for other people's kids. Of course it's a nice gesture, but it is not your responsibility, that is called parenting.


    Don't say anything to her, of course she will be mad, it would be an insult to her baby! Just put it out of your mind. There is no nice way to tell someone you don't want their baby around.
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    DKC1308DKC1308
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    I am not sure is anyone else suggested this but since he is a newborn mom might want him near.... have you thought of having an "in wedding" babysitter?? Someone to be there only for the baby. That way Mom can be close when need be and no one important has to miss anything. You might even suggest the idea and see how the parents feel. Just let them know your concerns and that it is important to you that they be able to enjoy themselves too. =] They might have a steady sitter by then maybe even one of their close friends.


    I am actually have an adults only wedding. My brother and sis in law have 7 (YES SEVEN!!) kids ages 15-2 and both parents are in the wedding party. So I TOTALLY understand your concerns about who will tend to baby during the ceremony and reception.
    I ADORE my nieces and nephews but I also want to be able to enjoy the day with my brother and sis. And lets face it they could use the time to unwind =]
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    suz62984suz62984
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    Idea: Maybe one of you could hire a babysitter to come to the wedding and watch him during the ceremony and reception. The mom wouldn't have to worry about him getting fussy or changing diapers. She could still have a good time; however she would be close by for feeding and other situations. I'm sure it would make everyone feel a little better.

    And NO you aren't a bad Aunt. We have tons, TONS, of family kids i'm not letting come to mine. There will be lots of alcohol and some slightly crazy friends and it wouldn't be appropriate for younger kids.
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    dancr214dancr214 member
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    My brother and sister in law had a baby in August and we were marred in October, so the baby was only 2 months old.  My SIL had her mother come and watch the baby.  They brought her to the RD, then to the wedding (for pictures).   Afterward, I think they brought the baby to the reception for a little bit, enough for my SIL to feed her and then the baby and my SIL's mom left.  I couldn't imagine not having my niece in my family wedding pictures.  Maybe you should just talk to your future SIL and see what she is planning because I am sure she has already thought about it.
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    megandjaymegandjay member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-bad-aunt-already-almost-afraid-ask-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a5d1b96c-98ec-4b0e-b8d7-a2e68f83377fPost:9576ee1f-fc8c-4b32-ad95-5871256cf6be">Re: Am I a bad Aunt already? -- - almost afraid to ask this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I a bad Aunt already? -- - almost afraid to ask this. : Inexperienced much? A 4 month old will not breastfeed constantly! I'm sure she can detach him for a the ceremony time. However, she will need to EITHER feed or pump during the reception, so what is the difference? Either way she is hiding out in a closet or restroom for a little while.  Why the hell would she decline a BM HONOR (not slot, they are not props) because she has an infant? that makes no sense at all. I think you were trying to be funny, but funny =/= ignorance. Fail.  
    Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

    You are right, the bridesmaid is an honor, not a slot to be filled.

    I wasn't actually being funny. One of my friends is exclusively breastfeeding, and until/unless she decides to pump and incorporate bottle feeding, she has to be with her baby at all times. Yes, theoretically they can be separated, but if the baby gets hungry she stops what she is doing and goes to feed him (and no, babies cannot always be put on a reliable schedule)- so she would not be able to guarantee that during the ceremony the baby would not need to be fed. The reception would not be a big issue, since she could take a break at any time, but what if the baby is hungry in the middle of the ceremony? Yes, I would expect that she would decline a BM honor due to her life circumstances at the time precluding her from being able to commit to one of the two responsibilities of a BM (wearing the dress and showing up for the ceremony).

    However, I think the above is fairly rare, most Moms (at least the ones I know), do pump and use a bottle, and are able to be separated from their baby for a few hours, and could easily calculate to pump before/after the ceremony and take a break during the reception. 

    Therefore there is no reason that the baby HAS to go to the ceremony, but if she might bring the baby as PP said the solution could be to hire a sitter. But in my experience new Moms might not trust their infant with a strange sitter that you randomly hire, I don't think I would. I would leave it up to the Mom to make arrangements that she is comfortable with, which for the OP sounds like the FSIL's mother.
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    emmie2003emmie2003 member
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    I am in the same position!  I said, right off the bat, no kids.  Period.  I love my 2 (very young) nephews, but my wedding and reception are not a place for them. 

    It's supposed to be about the couple getting married in wedded bliss, not ohhing and ahhing over a baby. 
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-bad-aunt-already-almost-afraid-ask-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a5d1b96c-98ec-4b0e-b8d7-a2e68f83377fPost:2cf22c6f-1326-4694-ab7b-ac6ee8920f98">Re: Am I a bad Aunt already? -- - almost afraid to ask this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am in the same position!  I said, right off the bat, no kids.  Period.  I love my 2 (very young) nephews, but my wedding and reception are not a place for them.  It's supposed to be about the couple getting married in wedded bliss, not ohhing and ahhing over a baby. 
    Posted by emmie2003[/QUOTE]

    <div>Are you honestly afraid that a baby would steal your wedding thunder?</div>
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    etaraskewichetaraskewich
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    I don't think you're a bad aunt, BUT...

    I think you should ask them if they had considered what they would do with the baby. Chances are, it's crossed their mind as well, and they might have a solution. Good luck!
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    vegprincessvegprincess
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    Ok... are your future SIL or BIL involved in the wedding?  My gut reaction if they're not is that they'd have the sense to want your MIL to stick around and one of them would take the child out.

    If you're still concerned about this, bring it up in a diplomatic fashion.  I love the idea of a babysitter.  (I myself have babysat at two weddings and the parents love it.)  If you're inviting children to the wedding, ask someone to babysit - perhaps mention to your SIL/BIL that you're looking into having a sitter at the ceremony so no one has to miss out, and you were wondering if they had any ideas who they'd want to sit.  (Unless you already know a great sitter, they might feel the most comfortable with a sitter they already trust since the baby will be so young.)  Either way, let them know that this will be available to them - either for the entire ceremony or part of the way through.

    I really don't think you can request that your MIL sticks around instead of your BIL or SIL, but perhaps in front of that side of the family, mention how excited you are that she's going to be at the ceremony.  My hope, however, would be that whichever of the parents isn't related by blood would be the one to help out with the kid. 

    Hopefully, this is all for nothing and the baby will just sleep through the entire thing or be the happiest baby in the world!  :)
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    vegprincessvegprincess
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    Sorry... missed the part where they were in the wedding party... just went back and read it.  Perhaps just start with asking whether they're planning to bring the baby and if so, who will be watching him.  (Then if it's MIL, try a babysitter or suggest another family member - maybe you have an eager teenage cousin who wants to make some money?)
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    doubleH2010doubleH2010 member
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    We actually have a similar situation. A couple in our wedding have a seven month old. It is their first child as well. I offered to get a hotel room at the venue and hire a babysitter so the baby would be close and they could check on him and feed him as necessary. They very cheerfully said they had already lined up child care for the evening, but they were touched that we thought of them and their needs.

    However, my fiance's brother has 3 young children and they are coming from out of town. The FBIL informed us that he was not comfortable with strangers watching his children (5, 3 and 9 months). He says he doesn't understand why his children are not welcome at the wedding. Apparently because we don't want children there is not enough of a reason. I've decided to let it go and not start a war over it, but I am concerned about the baby. She is adorable, but VERY vocal. She doesn't have to be upset, she just likes to "talk" a lot and at a loud volume. Cute at any other time than my wedding ceremony. The problem is you can't control, or predict, how a baby behaves. It isn't their fault obviously, it is just the way it is.

    I guess my suggestion is just to offer the babysitter if feasable. If they insist on bringing the baby (good reasons or bad) you can casually say it is nice that the other grandparents will be there to take care of the baby and leave the ceremony if it becomes necessary.
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