My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...

TheRackeys · May 2012

I am very disappointed that my father has not asked me what I have envisioned for my wedding and what estimated costs had I planned on. I feel like it is a discussion he should initiate but he has not. He has a substantially large income annually and spends more on traveling every year than I have even budgeted for my wedding, so money cannot be the issue. Has anyone encountered this and if so how did you go about starting the conversation? Thanks for any insight or suggestions!

GunzNRoses213 · May 2012

We sorta had this problem with just trying to drag a budget out of him. He asked how many people I wanted etc. It kinda went from there , he still never told me what my budjet was but I came home with prices from a venue he usually said " That's too much" ... I would then say "What's my budget ".....And conversation would go in a circle...

Maybe it's a guy /money thing depsite how much they might have. ?

Just start thinking about where you would like to have it suggest a few different places and ask him what he thinks ? Maybe that will give him a ballpark or get the conversation started ?

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:b5b8c8a5-4bc5-45cb-83f1-66c1949ea787">My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am very disappointed that my father has not asked me what I have envisioned for my wedding and what estimated costs had I planned on. I feel like it is a discussion he should initiate but he has not. He has a substantially large income annually and spends more on traveling every year than I have even budgeted for my wedding, so money cannot be the issue. Has anyone encountered this and if so how did you go about starting the conversation? Thanks for any insight or suggestions!
Posted by TheRackeys[/QUOTE]

What your father's income is and how he spends it is absolutely none of your business. It is also not his job to pay for your wedding. If he volunteers to do so great, just remember that he controls the entire wedding though. If he offers to contribute, great, just remember that he gets a say still.

It is 2012. Brides and Grooms pay for their own weddings. The idea of daddy paying for it went out the window when girls stopped marrying at 19 and 20 and going straight from their parents' house to their husband's house.

GunzNRoses213 · May 2012

Also we did offer to pay for things including half the reception and he wouldnt let us .. We are taking care of the DJ/Photos ... and smaller things like that . So maybe try that too ...Tell him what you have to offer or what you have saved etc. ?

Annas2013 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:fe0edf6e-dde4-45ab-8615-b7e95590a78b">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : What your father's income is and how he spends it is absolutely none of your business. It is also not his job to pay for your wedding. If he volunteers to do so great, just remember that he controls the entire wedding though. If he offers to contribute, great, just remember that he gets a say still. It is 2012. Brides and Grooms pay for their own weddings. The idea of daddy paying for it went out the window when girls stopped marrying at 19 and 20 and going straight from their parents' house to their husband's house.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>This. He has no obligation to contribute anything financially to your wedding. Plan the wedding that you and your FI can afford, and go from there. If your father then says he would like to help, fine. </div>

HobokensFury · May 2012

Dad is not required to pay for your wedding. If you're old enough it get married you're old enough to pay for the wedding yourself.

sparent2010 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:fe0edf6e-dde4-45ab-8615-b7e95590a78b">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]It is 2012. Brides and Grooms pay for their own weddings. The idea of daddy paying for it went out the window when girls stopped marrying at 19 and 20 and going straight from their parents' house to their husband's house.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Exactly. When you start badgering them bout money etc it makes you look entitled. You need to plan on paying for it yourself. You do not ask people for money for your wedding.

TheRackeys · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:2cbb7851-dc0e-402b-b25a-c9272935253d">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]Also we did offer to pay for things including half the reception and he wouldnt let us .. We are taking care of the DJ/Photos ... and smaller things like that . So maybe try that too ...Tell him what you have to offer or what you have saved etc. ?
Posted by GunzNRoses213[/QUOTE]

Yes, My fiancé and I are paying for all entertainment, photography, florals, transportation and attire...so I was only looking for wedding ceremony and reception assistance.

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:9ed6abee-c8aa-4f51-a403-109aa4e085b4">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : Yes, My fiancé and I are paying for all entertainment, photography, florals, transportation and attire...so<strong> I was only looking for wedding ceremony and reception assistance</strong>.
Posted by TheRackeys[/QUOTE]

In other words all of the<em> really</em> expensive stuff: Food, Bar, Ceremony venue and Reception venue.

Bottom line is that you don't offer to pay for part of your own wedding. You pay for the whole thing and if parents want to contribute, that is their choice to volunteer.

abwatts · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:fe0edf6e-dde4-45ab-8615-b7e95590a78b">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : What your father's income is and how he spends it is absolutely none of your business. It is also not his job to pay for your wedding. If he volunteers to do so great, just remember that he controls the entire wedding though. If he offers to contribute, great, just remember that he gets a say still. <strong> It is 2012. Brides and Grooms pay for their own weddings.</strong> The idea of daddy paying for it went out the window when girls stopped marrying at 19 and 20 and going straight from their parents' house to their husband's house.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

That is completely up to each individual couple and their familes. Some familes are still paying for their childrens weddings. I know when I get married my parents will be paying for it, and not becasue I am an entitled brat, becasue thats what they want to do and feel like its a sense of tradition. I haven't lived in my "daddys house" in over 10 years, but thats still whats going to happen. And whatever they are willing to contribute I will work with and be greatful for, as I am sure OP will be as well. But if a bride has parents who are willing to pay for the wedding then obviously she needs to know what she is working with!

Is this something you would be able to discuss with your mom?

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:1019a450-64e4-4689-b036-6e8d0cecb0f2">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : That is completely up to each individual couple and their familes. Some familes are still paying for their childrens weddings. I know when I get married my parents will be paying for it, and not becasue I am an entitled brat, becasue thats what they want to do and feel like its a sense of tradition. I haven't lived in my "daddys house" in over 10 years, but thats still whats going to happen. And whatever they are willing to contribute I will work with and be greatful for, as I am sure OP will be as well. But if a bride has parents who are willing to pay for the wedding then obviously she needs to know what she is working with! Is this something you would be able to discuss with your mom?
Posted by abwatts[/QUOTE]

Did you read the OP? Her father never said he'd pay for her wedding and she wants to ask him. She's assuming that because he has money to spare (in her opinion) then he should pay for the whole thing.

And I stand by my advice that B&G's pay for their own weddings today. If you have a family that can afford to host your entire wedding and they have offered to pay for the whole thing, then great. In this day and age though, nobody should expect it.

dewingedpixie · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:3991daf5-acc0-4d06-b20a-e82ee3d3fe20">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : Did you read the OP? Her father never said he'd pay for her wedding and she wants to ask him. She's assuming that because he has money to spare (in her opinion) then he should pay for the whole thing. And I stand by my advice that B&G's pay for their own weddings today. If you have a family that can afford to host your entire wedding and they have offered to pay for the whole thing, then great. In this day and age though, nobody should expect it.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I'm 100% with this. In this day in age so many people feel entitled to things they arent, and others have nothing at all. Plan the day you can afford, but not the top of your budget. Make it comfortably affordable. I think the best way to do this is talk to your future husband about your wants, and the dollar ammounts. Remember most marraiges that fail fail over money. Think of this as a training exercise for your marraige.Then after you figure those numbers go looking at what you want, come back discuss how that deviates from what you wanted to spend and see if you can afford it. Even if you can afford it find what really matters and cut the corners that you can you'll be happy for that later. This is what we're doing. Can we afford a 20k wedding? Sure, but do we want to? NO! I wanted a 10k wedding it wasnt going to happen, so we;re trying to meet in the middle with some DIY projects etc that I feel will personalize the wedding and cut costs majorly. I'm doing this because I want that money to go to other things that matter like the closing costs on a house6 months after our wedding. A wedding is one amazing day to commemorate your agreement to be together, its not a day to keep up with the jones's. Do what you can afford and do it together. This is about a life together, not about who you wish you were together. How you start your marraige is important and can either celebrate or hinder that union later on.

abwatts · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:3991daf5-acc0-4d06-b20a-e82ee3d3fe20">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : Did you read the OP? Her father never said he'd pay for her wedding and she wants to ask him. She's assuming that because he has money to spare (in her opinion) then he should pay for the whole thing. And I stand by my advice that B&G's pay for their own weddings today. If you have a family that can afford to host your entire wedding and they have offered to pay for the whole thing, then great. In this day and age though, nobody should expect it.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I did read the original post, and it didnt say that he DIDN'T offer at some point. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that this is something she has discussed with her family before and not just expecting it because of what her dad chooses to spend his money on. I agree that if this is something they have never discussed that its not right to just expect it to happen.

But I dont think we should get down on her because she wants to discuss this with her father. There is a lot of information we dont know,a nd to assume that she is being a spoiled brat expecting her daddy to pay for things just seems harsh to me.

1covejack: I am just suggesting that if she is not comfortable broaching this subject with her dad, to possible discuss it with her mom if thats an option. I know when it comes to things like this I am more comfortable talking to my mother, its just easier for me. I am not trying to say that our family experiences are the same.... I'm just giving her my perspective.

abwatts · May 2012

I dont really see it as going behind her dads back if she is talking to her mom. A simple "hey mom, do you know if dad is planning on helping us out with the wedding at all? What do you think the best way to approach the topic with him would be". Her mother might have some insight. It just depends on their personal family dynamic doesnt it?

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:7a3a87aa-7b96-41fe-bfbe-64c812c805e6">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : I did read the original post, and it didnt say that he DIDN'T offer at some point. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that this is something she has discussed with her family before and not just expecting it because of what her dad chooses to spend his money on. I agree that if this is something they have never discussed that its not right to just expect it to happen. But I dont think we should get down on her because she wants to discuss this with her father. There is a lot of information we dont know,a nd to assume that she is being a spoiled brat expecting her daddy to pay for things just seems harsh to me. 1covejack: I am just suggesting that if she is not comfortable broaching this subject with her dad, to possible discuss it with her mom if thats an option. I know when it comes to things like this I am more comfortable talking to my mother, its just easier for me. I am not trying to say that our family experiences are the same.... I'm just giving her my perspective.
Posted by abwatts[/QUOTE]

Where did I ever day she's a spoiled brat? That's twice now that you've used that term (or entitled) when replying to my posts. People who have been around a while can confirm that if I think someone is a spoiled brat, I'll flat out tell them.

I'm also not shy about saying that you don't ask people to pay for your wedding. If there had been past discussions about this, OP shouldn't have to ask us how to ask since it would essentially be the continuation of a conversation. She should have also put this in her posts if this were the case which leads me to believe that is not.

cara92marie · May 2012

Firstly, OP, has you're dad even offered to contribute to your wedding in any way? If he hasn't, than as others have stated, it's rude to ask. Or is it that he's offered to contribute, but just hasn't discussed numbers with you yet?

As soon as I got engaged, my dad told me he wanted to pay for 100% of my wedding as a gift to FI and myself. When I started to look at venues I began to wonder how much he was expecting to pay. I simply asked him what my budget was for the wedding since he'd already offered to pay for it. If this is the case, then I think it's fine to ask whether is planning on paying a monetary amount or if he wants to buy flowers, cake, etc. But definitely don't come out and ask for money if it isn't offered.

achiduck · May 2012

Look, it's your Dad's money so it's his choice how he spends it. He is not obligated to spend a single cent on your wedding and if he wants to give you money he'll offer it.

Bottom line - if you're ready to get married, you're ready to pay for it yourself.

naomikb · May 2012

Did he offer at any point to pay or help to pay for the wedding? How recently did you get engaged?

firsttimersluck · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:b5b8c8a5-4bc5-45cb-83f1-66c1949ea787">My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am very disappointed that my father has not asked me what I have envisioned for my wedding and what estimated costs had I planned on. I feel like it is a discussion he should initiate but he has not. He has a substantially large income annually and spends more on traveling every year than I have even budgeted for my wedding, so money cannot be the issue. Has anyone encountered this and if so how did you go about starting the conversation? Thanks for any insight or suggestions!
Posted by TheRackeys[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>uhhh... so? </div><div>It's HIS money, and not HIS wedding. </div><div>What makes you assume he is planning to pay for it? </div><div>And if you are wanting some financial help with YOUR wedding, why should HE have to start that conversation? </div><div>Honestly, you sound a little spoiled and entitled. </div><div>Have the wedding you can afford, and if any money is offered your way accept it graciously. </div><div>It's your wedding, and your marriage. No one is required to help you with those. </div>

Lisa50 · May 2012

I need a little more info. Has your father offered to give you money for the wedding? If he has not made a specific offer (either a dollar amount or an offer to cover X -- dress, photography, music or something else), then I suggest you and your fiance begin planning the wedding the two of you can afford. Keep your dad posted on your progress, if you'd like, and invite him to the wedding.

julib33 · May 2012

While I understand somewhat where you're coming from, you can't just flat out ask for money if he hasn't previously offered to pay or contribute.
My dad makes enough money to pay for both my wedding and my sisters, and could probably give us both $50K weddings. BUT there is no way in heck my sister or myself would ever ask him for money.
He hasn't offered to either of us even though he would gladly help if we asked. The point, is that it is extremely rude to ask.
My fiance and I plan on paying for our own wedding. My mom has offered to pay for the whole thing, but I don't feel comfortable with that. His mom has also offered to save a little money each month for it. We are willing to accept help if they want to offer it freely but in no way would we ask for it.

We obviously appreciate all of the help we can get, and once we actually start planning we will probably start to talk budget with my mom and his but its never ok to ask for it without the offer first.

cwaggoner07 · May 2012

I had sort of the same problem. My parents had always talked about helping me with the wedding but it never came up after the proposal.
So I just started planning the wedding I could afford, booked a few vendors, and then when I told my parents they were like, 'Oh we completely forgot to talk budget with you.'
We are having a 7 month engagement, and I think they thought it would be, like, over a year and a half since that's what my brother did.
We are still paying for about a third, but we prepared to pay for all of it, and everything worked out.
I don't think you are spoiled if you have been led to believe that they would pitch in for the wedding. I knew my parents probably would offer to pay, but my grown-up approach and genuine intent to pay for the whole thing took them by surprise.

librababy · May 2012

I think you should just go about planning the wedding you can afford and then give some info to your parents, like updates. Not expecting your dad to pay for it and waiting around for him to offer will be best... don't get your hopes up to be disappointed. It is his money and he is in no way obilgated to pay for your wedding but I assume you did expect that (and you might have a right to expect that if he has offered to help you with your future wedding in the past). By going ahead with planning on your own, then giving small updates (like hey, I booked the photgrapher today and he is so great, etc...) your parents may want to chip in out of generousity not obilgation.

Since Fi and I are both adults we started planning our wedding ourselves without help from anyone. We didn't ask anyone for help either. Recently, just talking some wedding details with my grandmother, she offered to send me $200 for the wedding and got my father to pay $200 for my dress (took me completely by surprise). Also, fmil offered to make my table linens and she paid for the material herself. I feel so lucky. And I am so appreciative to them for their help. However, keep in mind, once people start helping our financially, they get to have a say and can try to wrestle control from you... so if daddy does offer to pay, he might want a wedding he wants for you and it might not be the wedding YOU want. Good luck and happy planning.

luellaq06 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_my-dad-hasnt-asked-me-to-discuss-the-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e4af0632-b86d-4dc4-8950-615fc827c8b5Post:9ed6abee-c8aa-4f51-a403-109aa4e085b4">Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget... : Yes, My fiancé and I are paying for all entertainment, photography, florals, transportation and attire...so I was only looking for wedding ceremony and reception assistance.
Posted by TheRackeys[/QUOTE]

I am curious to know if you have any updates or responses to all the opinions that were thrown out there. It really helps to us to provide helpful feedback if we have more information.

Such as how other posters have asked, if he has actually offered to pay or if for some reason your just expecting it (for a reason other than he's loaded, like that's the way your family has always done it or you have a sibling that he did this for.)

For most of us your OP comes of as if just because your father has money he should pay for the 'expensive parts' of your ceremony.

However based on your original post information and your reply I would state the following:

1) You should talk to your father about this in whatever way it is that you communicate with him.
2) If you are worried about how he would react talk to another family member (mother, step-mother, sibling, aunt, uncle, etc) who knows him or has dealt with this specific scenario (if applicable)
3) If the first two are non-options and since you have the money to pay for other things I would suggest that you should not wait on your father to provide you with assistance. Create a budget for the rest of the wedding that you can live with or take out a personal loan if you are so inclined and as someone earlier mentioned while your in the mist of your planning your father may offer to provide you with assistance and then you can go in and adjust your budget accordingly.

And finally congrats! I am planning my ceremony at the moment and its stressful. Best of luck for your situation. Whatever that may be.

Summer2011Bride · May 2012

Like others have said, you can't ask your dad (or anyone) to fund your wedding or parts of your wedding. If he OFFERS of his own volition, that is fine. If not, you and FI need to plan a wedding you can both afford on your own. If after you start planning, Dad jumps in saying he'd like to contribute, then you can always upgrade parts of your wedding or add on things you had previously cut.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2012

This is not 1412. You don't come with a goat. Your parents aren't obligated to pay for your wedding, so stop acting entitled to their money. It doesn't matter if your father is homeless or Donald Trump. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it.

If Daddy hasn't mentioned opening his wallet, then go about your business.

Mlcatlin · May 2012

My situation isn't necessarily similar but I am going to talk with my dad about setting up a budget.. My dad is very good with money and this could be a non imposing way of bringing up budget- asking for advice and seeing where it goes.. I would agree with some commens above about staying within a budget that you would be comfortable with. Good Luck! Congrats on your engagement!!!

My Dad hasn't asked me to discuss the budget...

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