Question on Refusal to Come

hippolover · December 2011

I have asked around on my family side and got their answers. I just wanted to double check with people that aren't emotionally attached.

I am getting married in 10 days. I sent out RSVPS and asked them to be back in Dec. My aunt put 5 for her family. Fine.

Then she called my dad last night and said that her girls wanted to bring their boyfriends so "make it happen."

I told him no. It is rude and will not be tolerated. So I called my aunt. I left a voice mail saying I am sorry but final numberse are in and the seating chart is done. I left my number and told her to give me a call back.

Tonight, she calls my dad. I am sitting right next to him. He calmy explains to her that numbers are in and we can't. She flips out on him and said fine take us all off the guest list. If they can't come, then we aren't coming.

Part of me is thinking ok, I could make this work. I meet with the venue tomorrow, so I could add them to numbers. But it would mess with the seating chart in less I put them all at the table and squished them in.

The other part of me thinks they are being totally inappropiate and they decided not to come and I should just say "I am sorry you can't come, you will be missed."

Thoughts?

crash2729 · December 2011

How old are your cousins?

freebread03 · December 2011

Your aunt should not have asked to add guests, particularly so close to the wedding. But, how old are your cousins? Anyone over 18 in a serious relationship should get a +1 (and their own invitation).

Be polite and keep it short--I think a "I'm so sorry we can't accomodate your girls' boyfriends; your family will be missed" is about all you need to say.

Edit: Anyone over 18 and in a relationship should get a +1; judging "seriousness" of a relationship is, well, judgy.

Kokes28 · December 2011

I would say age probably would play a big factor. If these girls are 13-14 years old, even 16, it's unnecessary and I wouldn't tolerate it. But if the girls are older and mature and have mature relationships, they should have gotten individual invites with a plus one. Since they didn't, I would say it's wrong of your aunt to simply assume that the invite to their family includes all high school significant others.

Simply Fated · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:06ecfeee-5b62-4827-a6f7-083a8f7cd65b">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]I am assuming these are high school aged cousins and their boyfriends? If so, call their bluff on not attending. I don't deal with shenanigans like that and have never felt high school kids need dates to weddings.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I'm leaning towered this answer.

How old are these cousins?

If they're older than high school, I can understand them wanting to bring their boyfriends BUT I don't tolerate comments like, "make it happen." There are nicer ways to go about things.

hippolover · December 2011

The girls are 19 or 20? and the ther is 22?

I called and asked specifically if they girls wanted their own invite cause I would need their addresses. They replied to just send a family invite. So I did. I knew that if they were older, they should get their own, but I followed what they told me. I figured if they added them on the RSVP then I couldn't say anything.

The part that gets me, is the rudeness beyond all outrangousness and the fact that they waited 10 days before my wedding.

hippolover · December 2011

Also, I have never met these counsins bfs, so I can't judge the seriousness. We aren't close at all. I really only invited them cause they are family.

hippolover · December 2011

only on FB.

I think I am caught up on the rudeness and the demands.

hippolover · December 2011

The table would be squished if they wanted to sit together. Otherwise, no. not really.

If my aunt and her kids don't come, it would save me some money that I planned on spending. We are playing for it ourselves, so money is tight. I know thats a bad way of thinking about it, but I am trying to see the silver lining.

DramaGeek · December 2011

Whether or not you've met the BFs and how close you are to the cousins it totally irrelevant. The BFs should have been invited in the first place since the cousins are in relationships and it's rude to separate social units.

At this point you have two choices. You can work them in, fixing the mistake you made in the first place, or you can decide to leave it as is due to their rudeness. I'm not sure anyone would fault you for that, quite honestly.

andrea2473 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:758cf47c-3fcc-4a41-94c3-67413a408154">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there any way to fit these people in? ETA: I agree they are being rude, but I would be upset if the bride knew about my relationship and didn't include my SO, even if I was a distant cousin.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I agree with Edie. Even though your aunt is being pushy and rude, it sounds like you had an idea that they were in relationships and etiquette dictates that you must invite the whole social unit. Even though I really want to tell you to tell your aunt to "shove it" and call her bluff because they waited until the final hour and she's being a snot. See if you can squeeze them in :(

ETA: You know what? It's so late in the game, I actually do think an "I wish you had told me sooner because we can't now" response is called for.

mica178 · December 2011

How important is it for you to maintain the peace?

I get that it's rude for your aunt to RSVP, then change things 10 days before the wedding date, then make an ultimatum. If there was an issue (if they were all in relationships when the invitations went out), your aunt should have alerted you as soon as she received the invitation about your error. Since she waited so long to bug you, either she's a drama queen, or she is completely ignorant of how to plan a big reception.

It's more of a question of family dynamics. If your father supports you in this, I think you should hold your ground. If you think this is going to screw up every family reunion and Thanksgiving until the end of time, it might not be worth the fight.

crash2729 · December 2011

Well, since they were in FB relationships (you don't get to be the judge of how serious they are) you should have invited the BFs.

You can either make the room for them and they not sit together or just call their bluff about not coming.

I don't think the way your aunt went about it was the correct way but two wrongs don't make a right.

tidetravel · December 2011

Regardless of how old they are, it's completely inappropriate for the aunt to make those types of demands. If the "girls" were so offended by not having their BFs invited, they could (graciously) decline the invite.

hippolover · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:efcc2481-1c0c-4d2c-b321-bcb2104dea95">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]I ETA: You know what? It's so late in the game, I actually do think an "I wish you had told me sooner because we can't now" response is called for.
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

This is exactly how I feel. I talked to them about the BF prior and they said they weren't sure they if could come. Had they been on the RSVP or called, I would have not said anything. But I feel like I can't jump when someone says jump to accomadate everyone. I am sorry if that is wrong.

andrea2473 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:4f3b2685-0471-4ebc-928c-c09a4f75bad5">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on Refusal to Come : This is exactly how I feel. I talked to them about the BF prior and they said they weren't sure they if could come. Had they been on the RSVP or called, I would have not said anything. But I feel like I can't jump when someone says jump to accomadate everyone. I am sorry if that is wrong.
Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

Wait, so you already talked to them about it before the invitations went out? Why didn't you just include them on the invitation?

hippolover · December 2011

They said specifically, IDK if they can get off work. So I guess I left it as they weren't coming rather then planning for them.

Am I wrong for that?

crash2729 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:1d657223-c9a1-4838-a80b-21271fc0eb04">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on Refusal to Come : Wait, so you already talked to them about it before the invitations went out? Why didn't you just include them on the invitation?
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

<div>Right. If they didn't want to come they would have declined.</div>

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:4f3b2685-0471-4ebc-928c-c09a4f75bad5">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on Refusal to Come : This is exactly how I feel. I talked to them about the BF prior and <strong>they said they weren't sure they if could come</strong>. Had they been on the RSVP or called, I would have not said anything. But I feel like I can't jump when someone says jump to accomadate everyone. I am sorry if that is wrong.
Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

This changes my answer. You talked to them about the BFs. They "weren't sure" if they could come at the time, which, IMO, means that they would have been invited if they could have come - ergo - you should make room for them, now.

andrea2473 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:7ff806e0-fabf-4f77-875f-33b595bc55a1">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]They said specifically, IDK if they can get off work. So I guess I left it as they weren't coming rather then planning for them. Am I wrong for that?
Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

Yeah. You still include them and let them decline or accept. It kind of sounds like you took that as an "out" to not invite them. And now you are getting called out on it. It still sucks that their mom is batting for them and they all waited until 10 days before to confront you, but now I'm back to thinking that you should try to squeeze them in. Sorry.

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:7ff806e0-fabf-4f77-875f-33b595bc55a1">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]They said specifically, IDK if they can get off work. So I guess I left it as they weren't coming rather then planning for them. Am I wrong for that?
Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

Yes. "I don't know if they can get off work" usually means "I don't know if they can get off work, but we'll try..." I would have expected an invitation with the BF's names on them.

It's along the same line as an STD. Even if someone tells you that they won't be able to make it to the wedding after receiving the STD, they should still get an invitation, in case circumstances change.

hippolover · December 2011

ok thanks ladies.

Apparently I screwed up, and I will have to see what I need to do.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

[QUOTE] ETA: You know what? It's so late in the game, I actually do think an "I wish you had told me sooner because we can't now" response is called for.
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm with this. Yes, they should have been included in the original invite, but the time to ask for that adjustment was when they sent the original RSVPs. Also, I respond really badly to ultimatums from family. The less you respect me, the less inclined I am to bend over backwards to accomodate.

</div>

tidetravel · December 2011

Personally, I would call your aunt and let her know that there was a miscommunication on your part with respect to the BFs and that you will add them onto the guest list. I would be tempted to approach her about her attitude, but that's your dad's sister - he bore the brunt of her hostility, it should be up to him if he wants to confront her about it.

mollyehren · December 2011

First off if you set a deadline and they did not RSVP in the affirmative they have no right to make demands. If they wanted to add people THEY should have called BEFORE the deadline had passed. If you would not have called they would have what?..just showed up I'm guessing. Totally imappropriate on their part especially since they said previously "they weren't sure". I would put my foot down and call their bluff.

andrea2473 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:12184715-28ac-47a3-94af-aab4dc7dbda5">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with this. Yes, they should have been included in the original invite, but the time to ask for that adjustment was when they sent the original RSVPs. Also, I respond really badly to ultimatums from family. The less you respect me, the less inclined I am to bend over backwards to accomodate.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

But she WAS aware of them sooner, so this might have been avoided if she had included them on the invitations, rather than leaving them off and hoping that they wouldn't be able to go. Aunt and cousins are also wrong for the way they handled it, but now it's time for OP to be a gracious host and correct the wrongs by trying to work them into the seating chart. If it REALLY is impossible that's one thing, but I think a small effort should be made, considering the facts.

crash2729 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:abef39c9-f5a8-4db8-b81e-b6bfea53cca6">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]First off if you set a deadline and they did not RSVP in the affirmative they have no right to make demands. <strong>If they wanted to add people THEY should have called BEFORE the deadline had passed</strong>. If you would not have called they would have what?..just showed up I'm guessing. T<strong>otally imappropriate on their part especially since they said previously "they weren't sure".</strong> I would put my foot down and call their bluff.
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

<div>True. But OP knew already the cousins were in relationships and just because "they didn't know if they could get off work" was not a good reason to exclude them from the invitation. </div><div>
</div><div>Both parties are wrong here. But from an etiquette standpoint OP needs to make it right and at least try to fit the bfs in.</div>

hippolover · December 2011

Thanks ladies for not flaming me for my mistake.

andrea2473 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:a675e85c-cb9e-41ee-8b01-25705bbf2f19">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies for not flaming me for my mistake.
Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

:) Only people who argue their side and refuse to see posters viewpoints get flamed. You seem to understand what we are saying. Sorry they waited so long. The last two weeks can be really stressful. Good luck.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

I don't think the OP did anything really wrong, here. She attempted to get the cousins' info to send their own invites, and was denied. Presumably she would have invited the boyfriends on their own invites, but was not allowed the opportunity. So she invited the family as a catch-all, and this was their opportunity to RSVP with the boyfriends. They RSVP'ed without them, and then decided at the 11th hour that they needed to be added, and then got exceedingly demanding about it?

Oh hell no.

tidetravel · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-refusal-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cfdabf-b87e-48b9-842f-fc16a1291155Post:a675e85c-cb9e-41ee-8b01-25705bbf2f19">Re: Question on Refusal to Come</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies for not flaming me for my mistake.
Posted by hippolover[/QUOTE]

Everyone makes mistakes - you wouldn't be flamed for that. If you chose not to follow our advice, well, we couldn't be held responsible for the flaming that might ensue.

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