What I've noticed about FI

libraleo · March 2010

This isn't really an "asking for advice" post. More like a "Isn't this funny/annoying? Who else experienced this" post to start a chat.

My FI is pretty picky when it comes to the wedding planning aspect. I had read all the typical stuff about how they don't want to plan and will just show up the day of looking a little bewildered. And, like most brides, I tried my hardest to get him involved. And he did the typical "whatever you want" thing. But oh no, that's not really the case. I tried saying "Okay, let's do brown, light blue and spring green" for the colors and he then he had all these opinions. Same with the music, the location, the reception. Which is fine except he doesn't actually help. He just sort of blurts out his opinion and then wanders off to go hide in his office. And when he actually has to do something(pick out groomsmen outfits) he waits until the absolute last minute(still no outfits for the groomsmen). I'm happy for his input, to be sure! At least he's trying.

Is this typical? Does your FI love to plan and has taken over? Does he hate it? What were you expecting compared to what actually happened during planning?

Huskerfanz · March 2010

Mine did the exact same thing. I just learned to make sure to ask him for his opinions before proceeding to making final decisions or booking. Sometimes he would give me an opinion, though, just so I was happy but he didn't really care. You could ask if he really cares or if he just saying something to make you happy.

FutureMrsBoucher · March 2010

FI is awesome! He dosn't really have any strong opinions about the wedding, but he's been really helpful. I run everything by him first before I buy/do anything, and he has given some really awesome pointers/ideas. He's also been very supportive during times of high stress. [:

golden1215 · March 2010

Other than buying his new suit and picking out his ring I don't think my FI has made one call in the whole wedding planning.... I'm pretty much just going to tell him when and where to show up!

Although, he did pick the Bahamas for our honeymoon....

sweetpea0911 · March 2010

I picked option D, but he's wobbling between B and C. He usually listens to me and my ideas and just nods and smiles, but if he has an opinion, woah - stay out of the way.

Case in point: music. I want to hire a DJ and he wants to use his iPod. He has started a roundup of friends and family who want to testify to me that he will pick better music than any DJ we hire, whether that DJ has FI's approval or not. And we're only talking preliminary ideas - we've got 18 months til the wedding.

I can feel the migrane beginning.

jswim267 · March 2010

FI has been a great help! When we looked at our potential reception venues, he told me what he liked/didn't like. However, sometimes it's a little hard to get an opinion out of him if he thinks that it'll upset me. So far, he's been super helpful though.

Blueyed228 · March 2010

My FI annoys me when he scoffs at something I like. While we were looking for venes, I was going out alone or with my mom. Basically doing all of the work myself. Then I would take him to the place I liked and he would be like "Are you serious with this place?"

I wanted to punch him, especailly since he didnt want to get online and help me look, and told me to "narrow it done to a few" and then show him.

He wants the final say, but doesnt want to do the leg work. Lol. He also gets aggravated when Im online alot doing wedding stuff, but doesnt realize that if he just helped me, I wouldnt have to be online.......Luckily most of the major decisions have been made, so things will calm down.

fairy_diva · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ive-noticed-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba810beb-53f1-412f-9746-f67c900e6e4bPost:7ac58f92-d8a7-48b9-b505-cfb04878d241">Re: What I've noticed about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Other than buying his new suit and picking out his ring I don't think my FI has made one call in the whole wedding planning.... I'm pretty much just going to tell him when and where to show up! Although, he did pick the Bahamas for our honeymoon....
Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

This is mine exactly! When I ask an opinion, he says what ever I want. The only requests he has made so far are:
chocolate layer in the cake
no pink or girly colors please! (LOL!)

Ummm, I think that's it. But its ok with me, I'm used to it, my brother was the same with SIL, she got upset until I pointed out that the little details really don't matter to him, he just wants a nice wedding.

Sarah&Nick0530 · March 2010

My FI is some place between the helpful supportive and the picky one... three things seem to be of utmost importance:

1. The tuxes
2. The flowers the guys are wearing
3. The music we play

We're doing an outside wedding in May, and our colors are blue and yellow (a joint decision), so I suggested maybe a dark navy tux or suit, but I think he just has this formal idea in his head of "BLACK. TUX." and so no go on the navy or suit thing... That's fine. *He's* the one wearing it, so I don't mind so much

The flowers have been a larger issue...I've always wanted sunflowers for my bridesmaids, but mini sunflowers/gerbra daisies/cornflowers/chrysanthemums/carnations/anything-that-might-possibly-match-sunflowers-in-the-tiniest-bit are out! Thankfully, the tux shop is offering handkerchiefs for the guys and I think he wants to opt for just that instead of flowers! Halleluyah!

The music...hasn't been tackled yet...he's already turned down a lot of my ideas for first dance (I'm thinking cute and special, he's thinking classic and romantic), but I'm sure we'll work through it...I mean, it's HIS day too, I can't just decide to take over it 'cause I'm the bride!

Jeffie86 · March 2010

Our wedding planning is going pretty much how our life has been since we met. I do. He goes with the flow. I think he's learned that I'll feel better if I just do it myself. He's fine with letting me make most of the decisions and do most of the work for our wedding. I make an effort to run things by him before any commitment is made (orders put it, down payments given, etc). He's surprised me with some of the things he cares about, and the way he feels about things, but we discuss it and usually come up with a pretty good idea that incorporates both of our opinions.

My fiance and I are, however, folding 1000 origami cranes together. It'll keep us occupied while we're vegging out on the couch, and I am so excited to see the work we did together hanging up behind our cake.

That said, we decided on the honeymoon location (Glacie NP), I made a list of places I was interested in, and he is doing the rest! I'm excited to see what he plans for us!

mflowers929 · March 2010

I wish my FI would get more involved. Of course, I'm just happy at this point that he agreed to the wedding. He loves me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but if it was up to him, we'd just live together forever, lol.
I mentioned something the other day about our colors and he was like "so that's what you picked?" Um, hello, they've been picked since August? And then a couple of days ago I commented on our rentals (tent, tables, chairs), and he thought I was talking about renting out hotel rooms for our guests *facepalm*.
I've started him out with a small list of things that involve his family and friends. We'll see how that goes and then go from there, lol.

Piru · March 2010

I think it's mostly 1. He wanted to make sure it was small and secular, which is important to me too, and other than that he's probably going to assume I want to make the decisions.

But we've just started planning so, we'll see.

Linds4241 · March 2010

Mine is VERY involved in some areas and then not so much in others. And sometimes he'll veto something - but not offer any suggestions. I'll ask his opinion on something, he says he doesn't like it, I say - ok, what do you want. His response? I don't care. Well OBVIOUSLY you do! haha! The only BIG thing I have an issue with are the tuxes. Of course he is the one wearing it but I really wanted him to wear an ivory vest and tie. He is doing black vest, ivory tie. And there is absolutely NO pursuading him. UGH!! Oh well. Just a little over two months left!

CaptiolBride · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ive-noticed-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba810beb-53f1-412f-9746-f67c900e6e4bPost:ae44a6fd-c6a5-48c8-ae3a-e49499c8050f">Re: What I've noticed about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish my FI would get more involved. Of course, I'm just happy at this point that he agreed to the wedding. He loves me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but if it was up to him, we'd just live together forever, lol. I mentioned something the other day about our colors and he was like "so that's what you picked?" Um, hello, they've been picked since August? And then a couple of days ago I commented on our rentals (tent, tables, chairs), and he thought I was talking about renting out hotel rooms for our guests *facepalm*. I've started him out with a small list of things that involve his family and friends. We'll see how that goes and then go from there, lol.
Posted by mflowers929[/QUOTE]

Yeah .... this sounds just like my FI. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-money-mouth.gif" border="0" alt="Money mouth" title="Money mouth" /> One day my FI is excited and ready to discuss plans. The next 15 days I don't hear a peep about the wedding.

Soon2BeMrsTing · March 2010

FI is reigning KING over all our nerdy spreadsheets. Presently, he's also in charge of booking our hotels (which is taking WAY longer than either of us thought it would) and renting sound equipment. Really, we make every decision together, but he's the point person handling emails for these areas. He's also very nearly done collecting the addresses we need from his side of the guest list- coming in way ahead of me, and we have about the same number of guests!

Early on we had some talks revolving around his dislike of how much time we were spending planning- but at the beginning of our nine-month engagement is when we HAD to put in the time to book our venue, our caterer and photographer for a Saturday wedding in July. We're in a sweet spot now where the planning train is chugging along but at a slower pace and he's much happier, I think. I voted #4.

KTAgee · March 2010

For the most part, FI has been pleased with me doing all of the research and coming to him with my top picks in each category. He selects and makes the final call out of my top choices. We've chosen our venue, dj, menu, and colors this way. However, there are certain things he got Really into! He ended up designing our invitations. Style, wording, print, everything. The one that surprised me the most was flowers. When I began to question him on what sort of design he would like for my bouquet, the centerpieces, etc., he became extremely specific and picky. Random!

SuMmErKuTiE · March 2010

My FI has been amazing. He's been completely supportive through the whole process and likes to give his opinions on things and is always helpful when asked. He also wanted to be included with every decision and appointment. Although it was funny to see how bored he was at appointments with the florist and wedding coordinator. Plus he's not too happy about light pink being one of our colors, but other than that he has been much more helpful than any other groom I've ever seen.

naomitalbot · March 2010

My FI has strong opinions on only a few things. He couldn't care less about the decorations or flowers - except that green has to be one of the colors. He doesn't care what kind of food there is, but he wants white cake. And he wants a bowler hat, and he really wants to honeymoon someplace with mountains. Beyond that he pretty much just agrees with what I think when I ask him about something, although he does offer ideas as well. He says he doesn't much care what the wedding looks like, as long as it happens.

His big job is planning the reception music, since we're not going to have a DJ or live music, and he comes with me to bridal shows and things like that. The only thing I wish he was more enthusiastic about was finishing our guest list.

There's a website called The Plunge that's for guys getting married - it's sort of a male version of The Knot, and at the same time a bit of an ani-The Knot because it makes fun of all the girly wedding planning resources. It's really funny though and it has some good advice for guys. www.theplunge.com

libraleo · March 2010

naomitalbot - You're fiance sounds like mine! He wants a darker green for a color and a bowler hat. Although he doesn't really like The Plunge because it's tends to be for guys who really loved "The Hangover" and my guy is more of a nerd.

Golf outings for bachelor parties? Not so much.

libraleo · March 2010

And in terms of spreadsheets: He would be the one to do it since he's a little OCD. But I think they leave a bad taste in his mouth since his mother makes spreadsheets for every little thing she does or needs him and his brother to do. So no spreadsheets for us.

libraleo · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ive-noticed-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba810beb-53f1-412f-9746-f67c900e6e4bPost:f2f3fe09-0deb-421b-b28f-e4aad22894d9">Re: What I've noticed about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I picked option D, but he's wobbling between B and C. He usually listens to me and my ideas and just nods and smiles, but if he has an opinion, woah - stay out of the way. Case in point: music. I want to hire a DJ and he wants to use his iPod. He has started a roundup of friends and family who want to testify to me that he will pick better music than any DJ we hire, whether that DJ has FI's approval or not. And we're only talking preliminary ideas - we've got 18 months til the wedding. I can feel the migrane beginning.
Posted by sweetpea0911[/QUOTE]
I don't know how your wedding is set up but my FI and I had a similar situation. We both wanted to do an iPod wedding and the planner on site convinced us to not do so since someone will have to be in charge of monitoring the music. A DJ can adjust music to suit the energy of the room and they move the evening along. I'm really glad that we're going with a DJ. She's really great and helpful. You should see IF you can get FI to go along with you to a DJ interview. Because unless your FI is going to be dealing with the music all throughout the wedding, the music will probably fall short sometime in the evening. Most DJs want you to give them a playlist. Music you want and don't want. So your FI's music choices will be there and his pride and music taste will remain intact. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> Then he won't have to worry about changing the music during the event or dealing with requests. Or worrying about sneaky friends going and finding the most inappropriate song to play.

msange727 · March 2010

my sports-addicted, manly, welder of a fiancee is so. super. excited. about the wedding planning!
i definitely didn't see it coming - but everything from our color scheme, to the flowers, to my ideas on centerpieces, you name it, he's dialed in. i'm thrilled - but a little bit shocked! (i almost want to ask if he has any thoughts on my dress before i start shopping for it- just kidding!)

cukimerrydoll · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ive-noticed-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba810beb-53f1-412f-9746-f67c900e6e4bPost:b76b4078-2db0-4f3e-bcb2-d3e6e1c01ce8">Re: What I've noticed about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]FI is awesome! He dosn't really have any strong opinions about the wedding, but he's been really helpful. I run everything by him first before I buy/do anything, and he has given some really awesome pointers/ideas. He's also been very supportive during times of high stress. [:
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]
That's how mine is. And he defends what we're doing to his crazy grandma. Which I super appreciate! She she makes me nuts.

hh581842 · March 2010

I'm not engaged yet, but I imagine this is how planning will go for me. I will have something that I like and i'll ask him, "Hey honey, what do you think of such and such idea?" If he likes it then we're good to go, If he doesn't, I'll overrule him and do what I want to do anyway. Bahahaha

leandralona · March 2010

When we first started planning, he only cared about the food. He has his heart set on pulled pork from our favorite bbq place. Whenever I asked him something, he'd respond with 'whatever sounds good to you'.One day I told him that I wanted to take him to lunch, but instead we went and looked at a potential venue. He actually had fun. now I can ask him either/or questions and he has good input, but he did say that this was my day and he just wanted to see me happy.

cellarius · March 2010

lol that's kinda what my FI does. like he thinks he doesn't care as much but he really does. like i'll ask & he'll say oh you can do that how you want but when i do he def has an opinion lol mostly it's okay, we have a lot of very similar general taste like in colors, atmosphere, etc but my detail tastes are more vintage & eclectic than his & he sometimes just plain doesn't get it..

he also says oh i don't really care about the dress they're all white & whatever you wear will look nice..bla bla but i'll show him some i like in magazines & then he's like well why is that there? or that doesn't really look like a wedding dress...lol he likes more satiny, shiny, sexy glam ones & i like the flowy ethereal boho types so that part i'm not too sure about!

farmgirl8806 · March 2010

My FI has had some great ideas, but he also needs a nudge to get going on stuff. He is very busy between work and building our house at the same, and I am very busy with school. We both are slacking a little bit in the planning department. A lott of the time though he doesn't have much of an opinion.

cellarius · March 2010

leandra- yes! either or questions are good ones for him. if i say what do you want or like = blank stare. but if i say this or that i get a good answer. i guess he can deal with either ors lol

& hh58 that's funny.. when we first started i would ask him something & he'd say why cause you know if you don't like it you're just going to veto me anyway lol but even if i'm not going to listen i want to know his opinion lol

kkollee · March 2010

We are just starting the Venue selection (so too early to really be an expert here!) but my FI is excited and opinionated about what her DOESN'T want but not overly vocal about what he does want. Sounds a bit like what you are going through! The good thing is that I know if I say I really want something and give him a good logical reason, he will go for it.

I think the biggest tip I have learned is that most men think that weddings are purely illogical and are just a day for Women to live out their wildest wedding dreams. The way to combat this is with "logical" explanations for things. Example: "Dear, it makes sense for us to spend a bit extra on photography and having the best photographer in the city becuase we will have these pictures for the rest of our lives. We won't have the food, the flowers or the cake forever, but we will have the pictures and will hang them in our home like art. We should definitely get the better package with the best photographer." And boom, they agree.

obi_wan_quixote · March 2010

It's not that we think they're illogical, we just think weddings are expensive.

Part of my wedding planning has been to figure out our path to retirement, when and how much we need to save for each kid once we have them for college, how to minimize monthly fixed costs, and figuring out joint banking etc.

BTW, that photographer arguement doesn't really work. We just go along with it because we can tell how much it means to you. We can always get a second job to pay for things if we have to.

ninjasgirl · March 2010

My FI likes to leave everything to the last possible minute. Either that or he starts something and doesn't follow through. We had been to the jeweler several times and the last time we had to decide or the rings wouldn't be in by the wedding. He looked at me and said, "I think I want to put this off a little longer." I punched him in the shoulder and made him choose....lol.

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