Future-In-law problem

photosew03 · November 2009

The day after I got engaged, my fiancé’s sister (H) started talking about her daughter (15mo now) being our flower girl. I told her that we weren’t going to have one. Her response: “You have to have flower girls.” Well, no, I don’t. I don’t want them, never have. The only way that I would have a flower girl is just for spite, and pick my god-daughter who will be almost 5, or one of my 3 nieces.

My fiancé supports my decision; he says it’s my day. We can do whatever and be wherever.

H asked her husband’s sister if her daughter would be able to be a flower girl at her wedding. “We’ll just have to count on aunt so-and-so to make it happen for you.” Also H says that she is getting her daughter a frilly flower girl type dress to wear anyway.

H says that we are just weird because of the things we want and don’t want in our wedding. She had her wedding, BUTT OUT OF MINE!

We’ve been engaged about year, are still a year away from our wedding day, and I’m about ready to snap. I’m the kind of person who tries to keep the peace, but am starting to find it very hard to do so.

I have a feeling if H says anything to me about it again I’ll just tell her that if she has a problem with the wedding then she doesn’t need to come. I don’t know what my fiance would say about this, but it’s really more to make a point.

Any suggestions for my situation? Anything will be appreciated!

mrsamyjones · November 2009

IMO it seems like you are focusing way more attention on this than you need to be. Having a flower girl to build a relationship and avoid an argument seems to me to be such a small issue. I mean come on its such a small thing to get so upset about. Yes you have every right to pick your own wedding party, but if something so small could make your relationship with your future SIL happy and keep the peace I'd just give in. Remember you have to see these people the rest of your life at holidays and family gatherings. Why start off a marriage fueding with the in-laws?

jennyp08 · November 2009

I read a post on the Knot awhile back, and someone posted a response that made sense. They said "you have the right to do whatever you want on your wedding day...and everyone else has a right to be offended by it, upset by it, etc."

Basically, yeah, it is your wedding, but it doesn't mean that you will be exempt from dealing with people's crap.

Does NOT having a flower girl matter THIS MUCH? If so, just ignore the future inlaw and do what you want.

I do get it. Everyone has an opinion about how the wedding should go. Its annoying, and I've been there too, ready to smack the next person who told me that we should do X,Y, & Z.

If you really don't care about flower girls, then why not include your future relative? I'm sure your FI would appreciate the gesture, and it would keep him from being stuck between his relative and you.

Trust me.. I'm stuck between my family and my FI at times, and its no fun. Yes, its our wedding, and we can do what we want.. but compromise here and there is what is keeping me sane. And if I kill someone before the wedding day and end up in jail, the stress would have been for nothing. :P

Good luck!

kaynix21 · November 2009

It's true, if you don't want a flower girl, then you don't want a flower girl. That's fine.

But like Jenny said in the pp, some people won't like it.

It's still your day, your choice. But people have their own opinions.

If you don't want a flower girl, straight up tell her (even though it sounds like you have) that you will not be having a flower girl, and you and FI are doing things the way you see fit, not neccesarily in the exact and traditional sense and that's that.

jeanna85 · November 2009

I think you should stand your ground. Say that you have 5 possible young girls and it is impossible and unfair for you to choose one. You shouldn't have a flower girl if you dont want one. FWIW, we're not having a flower girl or ring bearer at my wedding. I personally think they are just a cute prop for many weddings, unless its a very close family member that is very special to you and you cant imagine getting married without them by your side in your WP. If you dont feel that way, skip it.

kmt_cas · November 2009

We aren't having a flower girl/ring bearer either. I know H might be disappointed in your decision, but it is just that your decision. Usually I say try to accommodate to make everyone happy, but not in this case. I would just be really polite, say you know that she is unhappy with your decision but you are not going to have a flower girl. The idea of saying there are 5 girls to pick from and it would be difficult to single out any one girl is a great idea, IMO. She should respect your decision even if she doesn't agree with it.

Sarahtobeengaged · November 2009

The only suggestion I have is to allow your future IL to let her little girl wear a flower girl like dress if that makes her happy. And include the little one in pictures and I'm sure it woulkd make things easier on you and your fiance'. Good luck !!

goheels05 · November 2009

Don't cave. If you cave now, she's forever going to be pulling crap like this on you. Say you're not having a flower girl and leave it at that. If they say "but you can't not have a FG!" say, "it's not up for discussion. Have you tried the bean dip? yum . . . " If they say that she's going to show up wearing a frilly flower girl dress anyway, just smile and say that's fine. Don't let it bother you, because your FSIL is just going to feed off of that and try to bother you more.

You and your FI get to make a lot of choices with this wedding, and whether or not to have a FG is one of them. Having a FG or not having one has no effect on anyone else's comfort at your wedding, so your FIL's can butt out.

There's nothing weird about not having a FG. We didn't have a FG or a ring bearer. My best friend wanted her 2 year old to be my ring bearer. I told her we weren't having one. There's no point. The best man and MOH hold the rings anyway. Our wedding ceremony was almost an hour. There was no way a 2 year old was going to be able to stand at the altar that long. She was being ridiculous. But I didn't argue with her. I politely told her no and left it at that. She brought it up again later, and I just smiled and changed the subject. When she saw how long my wedding ceremony was, she probably realized that I was right and she was wrong.

There's no need to get upset about it and tell your FSIL not to come. Don't let her get under your skin so much, because that's all she wants.

zitiqueen · November 2009

Your FI is the one who should be telling his sister about your joint decision to not have a flower girl, not you.

jenn.daniel · November 2009

Please do not give in! Like you said, she’s already had her wedding. She’ll make a habit of walking all over you if she gets her way now. I hope your FI is supporting you on this!

MyNameIsNot · November 2009

You don't have to have a flower girl if you don't want to.

But the way you are handling this doesn't say much about your character. You'd have another girl to spite your FSIL? Seriously?

SarahPLiz · November 2009

You don't have to have a flower girl. YOu already told her you weren't, so that is the end of the discussion. If you don't want her opinion, then don't talk about wedding planning with her. They will get all the details they need when their invitiations arrive.
If she tries to get you to discuss it, bean dip the hell out of her.. "Have you tried this nice bean dip? It really is good.. "

megk8oz · November 2009

You don't have to have a FG if you don't want one. Your FSIL doesn't have to like it, but she can't MAKE you make her daughter a FG.

The truth of the matter is, usually when parents get like this, how the child actually feels is a moot point. FSIL isn't concerned that her daughter's feelings will be hurt (Since she knows as well as you do that there's an excellent chance her daughter won't even remember ATTENDING your wedding in the future, let alone if she was in the BP).

Asking another child to "spite" her better be a joke though, because seriously THAT'S sinking to H's level.

Final words: don't cave on this, but don't be a brat about it, either. If the subject comes up, break out the bean dip. Eventually either it will stop being brought up, or if it keeps coming up long enough we'll get to your wedding, which will happen without the child in it (And at that point, nobody can do anything about it).

Pirata13 · November 2009

Don't give in!! Or as PPs have said, you will constantly be making concessions for this woman. We are not having a ring bearer or flower girl even though we have options. No one has complained, even if they did, I wouldn't change it just because someone wanted me to. Your FSIL needs to grow up.

lilcassers · November 2009

You're right. A flower girl isn't a "have to" in your wedding and it's YOUR wedding. But you know this lol. H is obviously living vicariously through her daughter. Perhaps this lady never got attention as a child and she wants her little princess to get the attention of walking down the aisle.

Solution: Just don't bring it up in front of her. Don't even bring up wedding plans in front of her. The more she keeps pushing, just ignore the comments or blow her off. Soon, she will have to feel stupid for pressing the issue without getting a response. If this doesn't work, have your FI deal with it because it is his family.

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