African American Weddings

how do I get my sister to back off?

my sister is 20 years older than me and has always felt the need to be a counseler to me. I never minded until now. She was also married for 10 years and her husband was sick and passed away about 5 years ago.

FI has been going thru a lot of stuff with his family and has decided he doesnt want them invited to the wedding. I have told him that its his choice, but to consider that he may regret it later. He is adament he doesnt want them there so fine. He hasnt spoken to them in months with the exception of his father.

My sister has taken it upon herself to also go behind my back and call FI and tell him he should invite them and what not. He has been repeating to her that he doesnt want them there. She is insistent that he invites them.

Basically, i think she is going behind me to tell him what he SHOULD do because she is trying to play me like I am incapable of leading him in the right direction. I feel like she thinks I am telling him they cant come, i dont want them there etc, and he has made his decision based on how i will feel about it. Ive told him a million times, i DONT CARE if they come! they are non existent to me and they really wont bother me. im not stupid, they are my in-laws, i know ill have to deal with them forever. I may not like them, but i know I have to be cordial and deal with them. Im an adult....i can handle that.

So she calls hi, sunday to tell him that he should invite them blah blah blah. He didnt tell me she called. She calls me at work yesterday to ask me if "yall are inviting them". i told her its not a "yall decision...its his decision". she goes on saying how "yall should still invite them..." again, its not a YALL thing. I told her that if FI didnt want to invite them thats on him, and he shouldnt invite people just to do it, because if they do show up, he would be upset and im not going to talk him into inviting people just so he can look good by doing so. Im the type that I really dont care what people think of me if i dont follow the "rules". I understand why he doesnt want them there, so i wont make him do anything he really doesnt want to do.

She made me so mad I had to get off the phone and havent talked to her since.

then she met a new guy who she decided would be a good person for FI to talk to. even tho they have never met, she gave the guy my FI phone number so this stranger can counsel him. wtf?

In summary, i feel like she is crossing boundaries, playing me like im some kinda brat who throws a tantrum if his family is involved in my wedding (i really dont care at all...they arent that important for me to get worked up over anymore....even though i do get pissed when they hurt his feelings. i know its his family and i just have to suck it up sometimes)  And plays me like I am incapable of being a good supportive wife, so she has to do it FOR me. she is stepping on my toes and its pissing me off. I also think she is playing me to my dad by makingit sound like IM the reason they arent invited. She calls FI and if he doesnt answer she calls me just to ask where he is at and talk to him. Id be one thing he is was calling her to talk about it...but he isnt. she calls him, and he tells her everytime he really doesnt want to be bothered by talking about it. I feel like she is going behind my back and undermining me as his supportive wife.

FI called my dad today and explained to him why he didnt invite them, and my father understood.


She was very supportive of me when his family was treating me really bad and eventually i said enough was enough and stopped dealing with them and worrying about them. I dont even bring them up unless FI tells me something stupid they did. but im not gettting bent out of shape and getting MY feelings hurt. Ive realized that thats just how they are and to just let it go. Now, if HIS feelings are hurt....thats a different story. but im not calling them up dogging them out for hurting him. Im mad because he is hurt, not because they did what I expected them to do, you know?

How do I get this chick to back off and learn her place and stop calling my FI so much about stuff thats not her business? I dont mind them being friends...but seriously? why are you stepping in to do things that are MY job? His family issues arent YOUR issues, and are DEFINITELY not your new boyfriends issues, who is a stranger to everyone

Re: how do I get my sister to back off?

  • I've learned that the best way to handle situations like this is to be very straightforward. Your sister sounds very headstrong, so beating around the bush with her isn't an option. Tell her flat out that she is crossing the line and stop pushing the issue. Explain to her that this is a decision that has already been made and her constantly bringing it up is making you uncomfortable. Don't argue with her, simply ask her not to bring it up anymore because there is nothing to discuss.

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  • In Response to Re: how do I get my sister to back off?:
    I've learned that the best way to handle situations like this is to be very straightforward. Your sister sounds very headstrong, so beating around the bush with her isn't an option. Tell her flat out that she is crossing the line and stop pushing the issue. Explain to her that this is a decision that has already been made and her constantly bringing it up is making you uncomfortable. Don't argue with her, simply ask her not to bring it up anymore because there is nothing to discuss.
    Posted by Dannitra01

    Ive done that...didnt work. FI is going to call her today and tell her pretty much everything you just said. if THAT doesnt work, its going to be time to bring out the big guns and call daddy and have him tell his daughter to stop meddling. im 24 and she is 42...what the hell I look like calling my daddy for this mess? smh. FI has told her before to leave him alone about it and keeps it short and sweet with her on this subject. she just wont let it go! hopefully him telling her to leave him alone combined with telling her how she is making me feel will get her to chill
  • She knows about your business because you tell her about your business. Stop telling her stuff. When she asks why let her know you cant trust her not to insert herself in your relationship. Have designated topics you refuse to talk to her about. When she brings them up say "I'm sorry, this is something that I can't talk to you about" and hang up.

    As for this whole thing with the wedding I can see why she is pushing it but I can see your point as well. Next time she brings it up, give her your final warning that you will not discuss your relationship or husband to be with her. If she continues, leave the room, hang up the phone etc.

    Hubby need not answer her calls anymore.
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  • chels if this the first time she'll be experiencing you instituting boundaries, whatever your method, you're gonna have to repeat it.   write her a letter, but a calm one.  this was cool to talk to us but if it sounds anything like a vent, she'll take it as "my baby sister's ranting, how cute"   you're not arguing, you are, as you pointed out a grown woman capable of handling her own business. 100 words or less.

    Sis, you're overstepping your boundaries in the following ways (state the ways).    This letter serves as a request to cease and desist immediately.  Refusal to do so will result in your sitting on the dock o' the bay watching the wedding on closed circuit television with g's family.   Love you bunches, now stay outta my hair and in your lane.   See you at the wedding (or not).

    good luck girl.   Whoo.  let us know what you decided to do.  Wink




     
  • In Response to Re: how do I get my sister to back off?:
    chels if this the first time she'll be experiencing you instituting boundaries, whatever your method, you're gonna have to repeat it.   write her a letter, but a calm one.  this was cool to talk to us but if it sounds anything like a vent, she'll take it as "my baby sister's ranting, how cute"   you're not arguing, you are, as you pointed out a grown woman capable of handling her own business. 100 words or less. Sis, you're overstepping your boundaries in the following ways (state the ways).    This letter serves as a request to cease and desist immediately.  Refusal to do so will result in your sitting on the dock o' the bay watching the wedding on closed circuit television with g's family.   Love you bunches, now stay outta my hair and in your lane.   See you at the wedding (or not). good luck girl.   Whoo.  let us know what you decided to do.   
    Posted by sultryzulu

    ^^ all that. Im so irritated, i thought id made it clear to her before about stepping off. Ive told her to stop bothering him about it.....obviously i wasnt clear enough. I cut her off for the rest of the week (i do this often to people when they irritate me.....gives me time to calm down). Im going to tell her AGAIN to please stop asking him about that stuff, it is HIS decision and bothering him about it is stressing him both out. I dont think she even realizes what she is doing. its funny because i had to tell her a couple months ago that I would would really appreciate if she didnt bring up things that happened in my childhood to FI. That its MY business to tell and if i wanted to tell him about this certain thing, i would do it on my time. its not her place to do that and she really crossed a line. it has no effect on my life now and it was more like she was gossiping then telling him something he NEEDED to know.  She apoligized then said she wants me to feel like i can talk to her, even though she feels like i dont talk to her enough. Im a pretty private person and dont feel the need to tell her every single thing happening in my life. If i come to you to vent about something, just listen...dont turn around and call FI and tell him what HE needs to me doing.

    Thats why im so irritated. its NOT the first time ive put boundaries in place for her...and not even the first time for this particular situation. ive told her before to leave him alone about it and let him make his own choices. but obviously, she must think im giving him bad advice and its her job to come in and save the day with her wisdom. why would i want to come to you to vent and talk to you about stuff when you turn around and tell my FI or tell my daddy whatever it is you are telling them...making ME sound like im being a brat. Shes got it stuck in her head that im still a 16 year old brat who doesnt want to hear nothing or admit when im wrong....and right now with the situation with her going behind my back to my FI, i feel like a naive 16 year old, like she thinks im incapable of helping him.

    pump ya breaks and stay in ya lane chick! Im such a simple person, so drama free. stuff like this trips me out cuz i just dont know how to even handle it. its not something im used to dealing with.

    When I do talk to her, im going to do what you said and tell her that she is doing thing that i feel are inappropriate and if she doesnt, shes cut off. smh. so much sillyness.
  • Please REMND her that you are fully grown and capable and she needs to stay in her lane
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  • @sultry U be. Cracking me up!!! Lol gnc0988 I agree with what Miss1J said. Resist the urge to tell her Ur business because she will take it upon herself to intrude in Ur business. Family can be a hot mess to deal with. Be firm and really stop answering her calls if that's all she wants to talk about. Next time tell her am not going to pick up your calls anymore to discuss this with you. Period. Pray over this!!!! devil is a liar and likes to see such divisive spirits. Reject it! All the best. Hugs
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