Trimming the guest list after S-T-Ds have gone out

erinandken2013 · December 2012

My fiance and I were initially planning on a small wedding . . . around 60 people or so. However, he just got out of the hospital following a heart attack (!), and we have to significantly cut back on the number of people b/c the stress just isn't worth his health.

We have already sent our save the date cards. However, now we need to make some drastic cuts (including family members that we felt we would absolutely invite). I know everyone who got a STD is supposed to get a formal invite, but I feel our situation might allow us to break this rule.

Can I just send printed (or handwritten) cards stating something to the effect of:

     Due to recent health concerns,
     the wedding of
     Erin Smith and Ken Doe
     will be an intimate ceremony with immediate family.

     We appreciate your understanding,
     and hope to get together at a later date.

Is there another way we could word this? Thanks for your input!

MoonlightSilver · December 2012

I'm glad to hear he's home safe. If the wedding is too stressful for him right now, perhaps it would be best if you postponed the whole event? I don't see how cutting the guest list makes the event less stressful for the bride and groom in the big picture. Perhaps it would be best if you cancelled what you have planned and make a small, immediate family only event if that's what his health requires?

Your profile says your wedding is still 6 months away. Are you such he wont be able to handle 60 people in 6 months? This is a health call only you two and his doctor can make.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trimming-the-guest-list-after-s-t-ds-have-gone-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4db1dcca-9779-470c-8baa-3e1505681cc8Post:35488def-13c0-4042-a6ac-b161c154fd58">Re: Trimming the guest list after S-T-Ds have gone out</a>:
[QUOTE]perhaps it would be best if you postponed the whole event? I don't see how cutting the guest list makes the event less stressful for the bride and groom in the big picture. Perhaps it would be best if you cancelled what you have planned and make a small, immediate family only event .
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Unless you cut the guest list down to tiny, I don't see how the numbers would change the stress level.

1mobags · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trimming-the-guest-list-after-s-t-ds-have-gone-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4db1dcca-9779-470c-8baa-3e1505681cc8Post:4c0c25b8-2d52-4049-a683-61f3a54999e1">Re:Trimming the guest list after STDs have gone out</a>:
[QUOTE]That would be a lie. So, no I wouldn't do that.

Personally, I'd cancel the wedding altogether, send that message out to EVERYONE, then get married privately with your immediate family in your living room, backyard, etc on a different day.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This......

aquari0216 · December 2012

Wait until he's better...postpone it altogether....cuz u can't do it that way....while they may understand...dont chance the disappointment

Cortney1982 · December 2012

I don't understand how 60 guests would stress you out unless you were extremely social phobic. I also agree with the fact that if the date is 6 months from now, is that not enough time to recuperate?

If you cannot invite everybody you sent a STD to, you need to cancel the entire wedding and have it on another date, preferably with immediate family only.

scooterpie7 · December 2012

I would either completely cancel as suggested above (but keep in mind some people are still going to be hurt they haven't been invited to the new event) or keep the existing plans and figure out ways to make it as low-stress as possible for your FI. Weddings don't have to be super stressful. Maybe get a wedding coordinator, or you could try and take care of most of the detail and only ask his input to the extent you think he can handle.

stantokm · December 2012

If you lie about it being an immediate family only wedding, people WILL find out and then they'll be offended not only that you cut them off the list, but that you lied to them about it. Pictures will get posted online or someone will say something offhand to one of the uninvited.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trimming-the-guest-list-after-s-t-ds-have-gone-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4db1dcca-9779-470c-8baa-3e1505681cc8Post:8bf8fede-c6ff-4c58-a5fd-f879266275ca">Re: Trimming the guest list after S-T-Ds have gone out</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand how 60 guests would stress you out unless you were extremely social phobic. I also agree with the fact that if the date is 6 months from now, is that not enough time to recuperate? If you cannot invite everybody you sent a STD to, you need to cancel the entire wedding and have it on another date, preferably with immediate family only.
Posted by Cortney1982[/QUOTE]

Everyone handles stress and health issues differently. There is NO right or wrong to it. Never assume how long it takes to recuperate from anything.
You CAN cancel the wedding, send out a notice and I would state the reason. However you can still have a wedding on the same date.

JanoBean75 · December 2012

I feel postponing is the most appropriate thing to do. I hope your FI recovers quickly.

My mother had quintuple bypass surgery and three months later was able to spend a week at Walt Disney World. But my FIL took longer to recover from a heart attack. Everybody is different.

SomethingBeautiful08 · December 2012

First off, I hope that he is ok and is continuing to heal.

I know that planing a wedding of any sort is stressful and I don't understand how 30 or how ever many you are cutting it too would be that much less stressful, unless you are replaning to a truely private ceramony / elopement? Is there any way that reducing the complexity of the wedding or getting additional help might reduce the stress load enough versus cutting guests?

I know that for us, on the day of the wedding, we barely noticed how many people where there... We briefly visited with everyone at the reception, but even if we had fewer people we would still be there and visiting for the same length of time. I gave up all worrying about the details of my wedding the day before, I let others deal with it, and the same with my H. Would a cake & punch reception be less stressfull then a full meal & dancing or whatever you had planed originally?

If that won't work, and only you and your FH know that. I think that you should cut the list to barebone, private ceramony size and send a note to all that due to health reasons that the wedding has been canceled and that you will be married in a private ceramony.

TheBaysideBride · December 2012

Don't worrry about hurting people's feelings - he had a heart attack! Any reasonable person will understand this and want you to do what's best for both of you. 60 peope is a reasonable number to call - I'd just pick up the phone, adn call your cousin/aunt/college roommate (who I assume all reached out if they knew he was think) and say, thank you for the support, this has definitely take a toll on us, I think we are just going to do something simple with immediate family for the wedding.

Honestly, it's just a wedding, don't let it add more stress to your life. Your close friends and family love you, and want what's best for you.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

Not sure if this is an option for you, just send out a notice to everyone that you sent a notice to that you had a recent health scare and FI is in good shape but due to the circumstances you have decided not to have your wedding as planned.

I don't see why you can't have a private ceremony still on the same date with just the two of you, or with just a dozen people there. You would still be honest to everyone that you're not having the same wedding you originally planned. People who love you & support you, will understand your decision and be ok with it.

erinandken2013 · December 2012

Thanks for all of your input!

While 60 is not by any stretch large number, with his family, I'm more concerned w/ personality conflicts among guests and the potential for stress on him. If we were to trim the guest list, the "new" list would certainly only be immediate family (parents, siblings and their spouses, niece/nephews and my grandmother).

I should also point out that this is actually his THIRD heart attack -- he had his first as 25-year-old seargent stationed at Ft. Dix! If this attack is anything like his previous two, his energy will drain very quickly. In the past, the exhaustion has lasted roughly 6 or 7 months, which is why my original thought was simply to reduce the # of invited guests.

I am wondering now if just changing our morning wedding's reception from a luncheon to an English tea, thereby reducing the length of time for the celebration and (potentially) his stress level, would work.

tanyamary627 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trimming-the-guest-list-after-s-t-ds-have-gone-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4db1dcca-9779-470c-8baa-3e1505681cc8Post:4c0c25b8-2d52-4049-a683-61f3a54999e1">Re:Trimming the guest list after STDs have gone out</a>:
[QUOTE]That would be a lie. So, no I wouldn't do that. Personally, I'd cancel the wedding altogether, send that message out to EVERYONE, then get married privately with your immediate family in your living room, backyard, etc on a different day.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Why is that a lie? OP plans to get married the same day with immediate family only.

OP, If I were a guest and I received a note or phone call with the wording that you mentioned, I would not be at all offended. (If you were trimming, say, only 10 people from the list and were having more guests than just immediate family, that would be a different story). Good luck and best wishes for FI's recovery!

Jen4948 · December 2012

I think your best course of action is to cancel the wedding and reschedule it for when he is really feeling better and can handle the stress of the number of people originally invited. If that won't be possible, then a small wedding held on a different day than the original date, with the number of people and activities he can handle, would be best.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trimming-the-guest-list-after-s-t-ds-have-gone-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4db1dcca-9779-470c-8baa-3e1505681cc8Post:e4b4315f-2e31-405f-9836-3ff3a7ef225e">Re: Trimming the guest list after S-T-Ds have gone out</a>:
[QUOTE]Postpone the wedding. Wedding planning shouldn't be stressful. If it is, you're doing it wrong. Start crossing things off your list if they stress you out. You must invite those guests unless you postpone the wedding - but you can scale back the wedding. Get married during the day, serve some cake and punch, and skip the formal dinner, dance, etc. Make it quick and sweet.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I agree with you to postpone the event, but I don't agree that wedding planning shouldn't be stressful if it's done correctly. Everyone reacts to social events and planning them differently. I personally was MASSIVELY stressed out trying to ensure that my guests were as comfortable and happy as possible because it was deeply important to me, and I had never planned a social event before. The learning curve was mind-boggling, confusing, and frustrating at times. But I was determined to do things right, no matter what.

It could be that the groom here feels the same way. It doesn't mean that we would be doing things incorrectly, because guests <em>should </em>be taken care of. And being married without family and friends present isn't much of an option for most people (it wasn't for us).

Making the schedules of 80+ people match up and work together on a single day just isn't the same as getting a massage or relaxing in a tub. It's just a naturally stressful situation. That's why postponing is probably best here. He needs to be in better health before tackling something that clearly causes him stress. And the event needs to be modified a bit to minimize said stress (though it probably can't be erradicated completely).

Trimming the guest list after S-T-Ds have gone out

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