Cash in Lieu of Gifts... on Invitation?

OwningAHome1981 · May 2013

JoanE2012 said:

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

Still rude. You can't dictate what people give. The good news is, most people are probably aware of the deployment and would probably give cash anyways.

I think most people will give cash b/c they don't want to lug a big gift around. It's much easier as a guest to just stick an envelope in my bag during the ceremony and then drop it in the cardbox at the reception. I don't want to have to carry a physical present around with me.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2013

As others have said it is rude. I thought I would add another opinion to the mix :-)

kmmssg · May 2013

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

No, no, just no. Where did you get that little etiquette gem?

Let me introduce myself. I'm kmmssg and aside from being a 3 time MOB,I was on active duty for 26 years. Your little hissy fit there is totally rude and doesn't sit well with me. It is NEVER EVER acceptable to ask for cash and being in the military doesn't change that.

Let's break this down: Deployment - one of you is deploying and one of you is staying back. The one staying back will be living somewhere and that is where those wedding gifts go.

Being stationed overseas: Uncle Sam very generously ships everything to you when you get there. Heck, they even hire movers to pack everything you own. Won't cost you a dime.

If a military couple is in such dire straights for money, NEEDS money as you say, rather than crap to move (that crap would be those would be gifts from your nearest and dearest) then that couple shouldn't be getting married. If you don't have the finances you need to get married you need to wait til you are stable.

You, my dear, are the one who needs to get over it.

chaiteachick · May 2013

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

...Are you actually, TRULY serious???

You want to talk about needing money instead of hard-to-ship gifts? I live 6000 miles away from my wedding location, in a particularly dangerous (and expensive-to-ship-to) part of the world. For this reason, we also have the expense of an additional wedding, so that all of our friends and family, not only half, can share in the joy of our marriage. However, this does not, by any means, entitle me to act in so rude a fashion. We will be registering for items that are small, relatively simple to ship, and that do not require plugs. Many people will be giving money, anyway, but even if they didn't, it is in no way my position to ask them to do so.

Gifts are NOT a requirement at all to attend a wedding--a person is invited to a wedding as an honored GUEST, to share in the couple's happiness, and it shocks me that some people can feel so entitled and self-important.

chaiteachick · May 2013

kmmssg said:

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

No, no, just no. Where did you get that little etiquette gem?

Let me introduce myself. I'm kmmssg and aside from being a 3 time MOB,I was on active duty for 26 years. Your little hissy fit there is totally rude and doesn't sit well with me. It is NEVER EVER acceptable to ask for cash and being in the military doesn't change that.

Let's break this down: Deployment - one of you is deploying and one of you is staying back. The one staying back will be living somewhere and that is where those wedding gifts go.

Being stationed overseas: Uncle Sam very generously ships everything to you when you get there. Heck, they even hire movers to pack everything you own. Won't cost you a dime.

If a military couple is in such dire straights for money, NEEDS money as you say, rather than crap to move (that crap would be those would be gifts from your nearest and dearest) then that couple shouldn't be getting married. If you don't have the finances you need to get married you need to wait til you are stable.

You, my dear, are the one who needs to get over it.

I love you.

QueerFemme · May 2013

Rachel-Elise said:

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

...Are you actually, TRULY serious???

You want to talk about needing money instead of hard-to-ship gifts? I live 6000 miles away from my wedding location, in a particularly dangerous (and expensive-to-ship-to) part of the world. For this reason, we also have the expense of an additional wedding, so that all of our friends and family, not only half, can share in the joy of our marriage. However, this does not, by any means, entitle me to act in so rude a fashion. We will be registering for items that are small, relatively simple to ship, and that do not require plugs. Many people will be giving money, anyway, but even if they didn't, it is in no way my position to ask them to do so.

Gifts are NOT a requirement at all to attend a wedding--a person is invited to a wedding as an honored GUEST, to share in the couple's happiness, and it shocks me that some people can feel so entitled and self-important.

I hope you are just having a second "party" or "celebration" and not a fake wedding re-do.

chaiteachick · May 2013

cmgilpin said:

Rachel-Elise said:

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

...Are you actually, TRULY serious???

You want to talk about needing money instead of hard-to-ship gifts? I live 6000 miles away from my wedding location, in a particularly dangerous (and expensive-to-ship-to) part of the world. For this reason, we also have the expense of an additional wedding, so that all of our friends and family, not only half, can share in the joy of our marriage. However, this does not, by any means, entitle me to act in so rude a fashion. We will be registering for items that are small, relatively simple to ship, and that do not require plugs. Many people will be giving money, anyway, but even if they didn't, it is in no way my position to ask them to do so.

Gifts are NOT a requirement at all to attend a wedding--a person is invited to a wedding as an honored GUEST, to share in the couple's happiness, and it shocks me that some people can feel so entitled and self-important.

I hope you are just having a second "party" or "celebration" and not a fake wedding re-do.

Of course. Who would do a "re-do"? o.O

Blue_Bird · May 2013

bdehoop said:

The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it!

Say what?

Hey, I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, but a wrong done by someone in the armed forces does not make a right either.. Sorry, you're wrong.

monkeysip · May 2013

"The ONLY time it is not rude is IF the bride or groom are in the military and are moving/getting deployed/stationed AFTER the wedding. A tasteful request for cash in lieu of gifts due to expected military deployment is acceptable! It is RUDE and thoughtless for invitees (assumed friends and family) to maliciously, purposefully give terrible gifts because they are offended. Where's the grace?, the compassion? for a new couple starting out especially if they are moving soon due to military demands. Military newlyweds NEED cash not crap to move when they are deployed/stationed. Get over it! "

Why do people think that military couples are exceptions to etiquette rules? I don't care if the bride and groom are both overseas fighting a war... you don't mention gifts on an invitation. I think most people would get that sending physical gifts is inconvenient/not ideal, but that still doesn't mean you can mention gifts or ask for cash. There's no tasteful way to do that.

daveANDkristen · May 2013

@kmmssg

MuppetFan · May 2013

Instead of rekindling a thread from over a year ago, why not just start a new thread called, "Bad ideas"?

We should start it and make it a sticky.

Oh wait, mods don't exist anymore to do that.

mrsjhodge · May 2013

My FI wanted to request cash on the invite. I told him no freaking way, and tried to come up with a tasteful way of suggesting it... I wasn't successful because there is NO tasteful way of asking for cash, and have decided to go with the flow, register for a few things we can use (like a chainsaw, and a good socket set). If people ask where we're registered we'll tell them, and hopefully they'll be able to identify from a short registry that we don't need a lot of items.

All told, cash would be great, but it's not needed. I'd honestly rather get nothing than lots of stuff we have to find space for (we are both fully set up, and will have double the necessary household items when we move in together).

manateehugger · May 2013

kmmssg said all the way.

I cannot stand all this military couple entitlement. At all. How many employers pay to have their employees's entire household moved? Seriously, if the military couple wants cash, they follow the same rules as everyone else who wants cash. We're purposely registering for easily portable items (i.e. going easy on the nice glassware/china). Personal responsibility...it's not a hard concept.

ridedatbike · May 2013

i know this is old but ive been DYING to say thing but the new boards dont allow me to reply on my phone :[ anyway the military moves you for free so why would it matter if you got gifts off of a registry it would all get packed up and shipped to the new duty station FOR FREE. also what does deployment have to do with anything? no one forfeits their home during a deployment....

ridedatbike · May 2013

i thought i read all of them! high five for this! you pretty much dont spend any money moving at all and everything out of pocket can get reimbursed as well.

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