started the prenup ball rolling

MissMolly · June 2013

cmgilpin said:

I don't think its a matter of keeping your mouth shut, it's a matter of setting appropriate boundaries and not letting a parent be "on your back". If she is on your back about something, you say "thanks for your input, but I have it covered". End of story.
I cannot believe your FI has to have a chat with your folks before moving in. What is the point of that?

I'm doing the "search inside" function of the books that runpipparun recommended, and what this is, is emotional blackmail.

runpipparun · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

cmgilpin said:

I don't think its a matter of keeping your mouth shut, it's a matter of setting appropriate boundaries and not letting a parent be "on your back". If she is on your back about something, you say "thanks for your input, but I have it covered". End of story.
I cannot believe your FI has to have a chat with your folks before moving in. What is the point of that?

I'm doing the "search inside" function of the books that runpipparun recommended, and what this is, is emotional blackmail.

Bingo. When you grow up with a parent who uses fear, guilt, or obligation routinely to get you to comply with their demands, it becomes commonplace. You don't even know it's occurring. It was so CLEAR to me that my FMIL was using guilt and obligation on my fiancé into doing stuff, but to him, that was just life. Like, reminding him how little money they had growing up. How she was a teenage mother and how she set her dreams aside to raise him. ("You owe me... you're obligated.") He'd lived like that his whole life, doing *ridiculous* chores out of a sense of obligation and guilt. (Fear is more like, "If you don't do X, then Y will happen! Threats, etc.)

Reading that book, though, really breaks down the transaction between the manipulator and the person who is being manipulated. People who have grown up like that can't simply say, "No," to the parent who raised them.

kathrynrf · June 2013

I am pretty sure you can move in together before signing the prenup. As of right now, even if you live together, he has no legal rights over any of your things because you are keeping it separate and you aren't married. Therefore, if you break up/call of the wedding, etc...your things are still yours and his are still his. No if's, and's, or but's about it. I have a friend who was engaged. He was a college student and his fiancee came from money/had a lot of money. They recently broke up, and he has no legal right over any of it. He just has to figure out his life. However, had they gotten married w/out a prenup, he would have.

Your lawyers logic seems flawed. Basically, it sounds like she is saying he shouldn't move in because if he refuses to sign the prenup, you will have to ask him to move out. I would assume you would also be calling off the wedding. If that is the case, and he lives with you, and your name is still on the lease/mortgage, he would have to move out. It would be the same if you and him weren't doing a prenup at all and then you called off the wedding. He would have to move out of your house.

MissMolly · June 2013

Actually kathrynrf, it works differently in Canada, where I'm from. I post on these boards because they're much more active than the Canadian ones. Where I live, if there's no cohabitation agreement, after a few months of living together, he's automatically entitled to 50% of my home's worth. If I were to put his name on the deed, and have no prenup, he would automatically be entitled to 75% of my home's worth. Screwed up, I know, and my standard lawyer says the same thing. My standard lawyer is the man I worked with in setting up a company in 2001, and he's been my lawyer go-to guy ever since. However, he isn't a matrimonial lawyer, and so while he can tell me some of the ins and outs of the process, he recommended me to a lawyer that he knows. So yeah, things work a little differently up north here, although the way it works where you are seems so much simpler!

runpipparun · June 2013

I actually think that's kind of harsh, Linger. OP acknowledges the unhealthy pattern and is seeking to change it. Unless you've taken the time to learn about what people with controlling parents (or people in controlling relationships) actually go through, it's really hard to judge why it is so difficult for them to get out or to break the cycle. It has nothing to do with "being an adult."

ETA: It took my FI a year after recognizing his mom's toxic crap to tell her to eff off. There were cultural barriers, religious barriers, and just years and years of communication patterns to break. If I'd been less patient and understanding, I wouldn't still have an awesome partner. I'd have been super cold and dumped him.

MissMolly · June 2013

LingerLonger1 said:
You know this and still plan to give in to it? Definitely continue counselling. You need it badly. I kind of feel bad for your FI here. Poor guy's entire life is being decided by your asshole parents. You're not ready for an adult relationship.

Ouch. Wow, that's just not very nice to say at all. I appreciate constructive comments, but comments like this, and that one gal telling me that my FH should "fucking run" are just plain mean and uncalled for.

MissMolly · June 2013

tarradesign said:

Okay, then why not set up a co-hab agreement then?

Because we're getting married in 2 months. However, according to Linger, I should just break things off, break his heart and mine, and stay single for the duration until I'm apparently fucking adult enough to have a fucking adult relationship. Fuck this.

ETA: I've BEEN to counselling. I RECOGNIZE that this is a FUCKING PROBLEM, and I'm DOING MY FUCKING BEST to resolve this. Unfortunately, it doesn't just turn around in 1 day, or a few couselling sessions. Not when a person has been dealing with this for 35 years. If I had a magic fucking wand, I would cure myself, but I don't, and therefore, can't. Fuck, I'm sorry that I even posted this in the first place. Sorry tarra, I don't mean to yell at you. Just in general.

Jessa617 · June 2013

Honestly, if you are at a point in your relationship where you love each other and are getting married, he is aware of the prenup and knows what the terms will be then just move in together. As far as emotional blackmail to your parents, it will hurt them just the same if you do what you want without telling them. You are an adult, you make your own decisions. If they see that, then you are making progress.

MissMolly · June 2013

StageManager14 said:
For the record, we understand that it doesn't turn around in one day. However, as long as you're giving in to your parents and making excuses for doing so, you aren't in a good mental place to commit to marriage. Sorry, that is just the truth. You can sit around and tell people all day long that you're an alcoholic, but as long as you KEEP drinking and saying that you're working on it, things don't get any better. You have to STOP drinking, that is step number one. And step number one to codependency is absolutely to STOP giving in to others.

Okay fine, so what should be the next course of action then? Should I call the lawyer and tell her to not bother with the prenup and enjoy the $1500 I gave her? Should I then tell FH that the wedding and relationship in general is off? We have a plan on this. Key word being "we". I talked to him about it AGAIN yesterday, and said that we should just do what we want to do, and forget about how my folks are going to react. I pushed for this. You know what he said? Let's stick to our plan; I see no reason to change the way we're going to do this. So, what should've I told him? Should've I pushed harder? Should've I said "screw you, we're doing things MY way". FH and I talk like rational human beings. Neither of us enjoy the act of fighting/arguing, and really get nothing out of it. Both of us want a peaceful, happy life together, and now I'm wondering if I should just let him go find someone else to live that life with. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He deserves someone mature, wise, who can stand on her own feet in more than a financial manner, and who is everything that I apparently cannot give him.

QueerFemme · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

tarradesign said:

Okay, then why not set up a co-hab agreement then?

Because we're getting married in 2 months. However, according to Linger, I should just break things off, break his heart and mine, and stay single for the duration until I'm apparently fucking adult enough to have a fucking adult relationship. Fuck this.

ETA: I've BEEN to counselling. I RECOGNIZE that this is a FUCKING PROBLEM, and I'm DOING MY FUCKING BEST to resolve this. Unfortunately, it doesn't just turn around in 1 day, or a few couselling sessions. Not when a person has been dealing with this for 35 years. If I had a magic fucking wand, I would cure myself, but I don't, and therefore, can't. Fuck, I'm sorry that I even posted this in the first place. Sorry tarra, I don't mean to yell at you. Just in general.

Seriously, it's like a bandaid, you have to just rip it off. Does that mean there won't be fallout and the need for continued therapy, of course not. But, you don't "wean" yourself away from controlling parents. You realize this meeting that you are putting yourself and your fiance through is bullshit, yet you are still planning on doing it.

This should be step 1 in your recovery process. Call your parents and tell them you aren't having the meeting with them, and you and your fiance are handling your prenup with your attorney. You can't act like you know there is a problem, and continue on the same path and not expect consequences of that.

MissMolly · June 2013

I apologize for the swearing. Really, I am sorry, that's not who I am. It just really ticks me off to hear things like "FH should f*ing run", "you're not ready for an adult relationship". You folks don't know me from adam, so really, you can't judge anything about me. You don't know how I think, how I feel, what my past is like, yet I'm told these things, and what would you guys do if I posted that I left FH, and called off the wedding? Would anyone feel badly that I felt the need to make such a rash decision, or would you just feel happy for possible-FH that he's out of such a shitty relationship? My guess is the latter. Advice is great, constructive advice is even better. Some people gave that, some did not. Now I'm thinking that I'm scum who doesn't deserve anything like I have, and should just live life quietly by myself.

BostonGIrl4732 · June 2013

I don't think people are really bashing on your relationship with your FI, they are bashing on your relationship with your parents. Which in turn affects your relationship with your FI.

My FILs have very strong opinions about how FI and I spend our money. Very strong opinions they were very vocal about. However, they have a different set of priorities than we do. FI told them it was none of their business, and they are not a part of the decision process (and get no financial information from us). They also did not want FI to move in with me in the location we picked together because it wasn't close enough for them. Again, he told them (without me being there) to drop it. They didn't have a say.

I would have left FI if he had let them try to run our lives. It's MY life too, and they don't get a say in that. I'd be sure your FI doesn't feel the same. I think the point people are trying to make is that you need to cut your parents out. If you are unable to do that, you need to think about what's fair to your FI. When you marry someone, you promise to put THEM first. If you are making decisions based on what your parents think, instead of what you and you FI decide together, you aren't putting him first. That's just a recipe for disaster.

MissMolly · June 2013

BostonGIrl4732 said:

I don't think people are really bashing on your relationship with your FI, they are bashing on your relationship with your parents. Which in turn affects your relationship with your FI.

My FILs have very strong opinions about how FI and I spend our money. Very strong opinions they were very vocal about. However, they have a different set of priorities than we do. FI told them it was none of their business, and they are not a part of the decision process (and get no financial information from us). They also did not want FI to move in with me in the location we picked together because it wasn't close enough for them. Again, he told them (without me being there) to drop it. They didn't have a say.

I would have left FI if he had let them try to run our lives. It's MY life too, and they don't get a say in that. I'd be sure your FI doesn't feel the same. I think the point people are trying to make is that you need to cut your parents out. If you are unable to do that, you need to think about what's fair to your FI. When you marry someone, you promise to put THEM first. If you are making decisions based on what your parents think, instead of what you and you FI decide together, you aren't putting him first. That's just a recipe for disaster.

I know it's not fair, which is why I keep bringing it up to FH. I have suggested to him that he moves in this weekend, and we say nothing to my family. I'm fine with that, and I will deal with whatever comes my way. I don't want to have this little chit-chat with them this week because to be honest, they will be nice as pie in front of him, then let me know their real opinion when I'm alone with them. That's what they do, and through it all, I love them. They provided my sister and I with a helluva good life. We wanted for nothing, perhaps except for some genuine support and acceptance. However, my parents are of the generation who think that if they financially provided well for us (food, clothes, shelter, treats once in awhile), they did a good job. They don't think about all the emotional things that they've done/haven't done, or the feelings of their kids that go behind it.They did the best that they could with the resources that they had or learned from their own parents. This is one of the reasons that I'm scared to have a family of my own: you learn what you live. And, there's no way that I want to be the same kind of parent that mine were.

I think it's great that there are so many people on these boards who take a firm stand for themselves, and I hope to someday be like that. However, my counseling sessions just ended, and this is the first major roadblock that I've hit with my family in awhile. I do wish the change were quicker, or more magical somehow, but I guess it's not. I thank God (and I'm not religious at all) for my SO everyday. He's a pillar of support, and a very level-headed man. I have no idea what the hell he sees in me, especially now, but the man still wants to share his life with me, and is very excited about our wedding. I realize it's hard to believe, but he is quite alright with how we're handling the prenup/family situation. Maybe he's more supportive of the situation because he lives with his own Mom yet, and she relies on him quite heavily. I also think that once we're married, my parents will possibly see me as more of an adult, and realize that the decisions we make will be ours to make as a couple. Not as a couple, plus a set of parents.

MissMolly · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Yeah, all of this freaking out and foot stomping? Not doing much to convince me that my opinion that you aren't ready for marriage is wrong.

Freaking out and foot stomping? Okay, there's a little freaking out, yes, but no foot stomping. I was asking questions though, and trying to work through what should be done. Also, there was the giving of info. I'm not trying to convince you or anyone.

QueerFemme · June 2013

Why can't you still have the prenup, but not involve your parents at all? Why do they have to have a meeting, or even know what the prenup was about?

MissMolly · June 2013

LingerLonger1 said:

I understand you're pissed off. Take a breather and come back and read these responses when you're less angry.

My point, as Boston much more eloquently put it, is that if you are going to rely on your parents you're not ready to enter into a commitment to make your husband your family first. When you get married you are saying publicly that you and your husband are a unit, functioning together. You are not saying you and your husband are a unit working under your parents. If you are not ready, right this moment, to break free from your parents you are also not ready to marry.

You're right that I don't know what's in your head. All I know is what you've told us and by what you've said you don't sound ready for the commitment of marriage.

I wouldn't feel badly, nor would I be happy if you chose to call off your wedding. I don't take the burden of others' decisions on. If you made a "rash" decision based solely one what internet strangers think I'd suggest you need even more therapy than we were saying previously. I've been here long enough to know few take the wisdom they receive on here seriously. Those that do tend to end up happier for it, but I don't expect you to change a damn thing based on this thread alone. I can only hope that some of the words said in these posts (not just those telling you to stick with your codependent ways) make you pause and think.

Yes, the constructive posts did make me pause and think. I'm much less angry now, and realize that if I take the wisdom and sometimes "wisdom" of internet strangers to heart, then I really am a dumbass, and I really do need more counseling. Honestly, I'm oh-so ready to cut the apron strings, but just don't know how to do that without hurting a whole bunch of people that I love. That, I don't want to do, especially with a wedding 2 months away. However, being controlled really isn't working for me anymore. Really, it never did, I just put up with it because that was my "normal". I'm more ready for marriage than anyone on these boards can begin to guess. I have a great life, and a lot to offer someone, and am excited to share it all with FH, just as he is with me.

To do that, yes, I realize that things NEED to change. I believe that things WILL change once FH moves in. I firmly believe that my family is scared of that change because then, they know that their control will wane. It won't be just me to content with anymore; there will be someone else who isn't nearly so easy to cave into control. Like I said, this has been going on for 35 years, and it's not only my "normal", but theirs as well. Things aren't going to change overnight; it's going to be a long, hard road, but one that I'm ready to face, preferably with my rock of a man by my side.

But, the retorts of me not being mature enough to get married, no, that's not the case. I'm ready for this, I'm excited for this, and there's no way on God's green Earth that I'm going to let internet strangers be the cause of my calling things off and living life as a recluse. No way, hose-a.

MissMolly · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Also, why did your counseling sessions just end? Earlier it sounded like had barely started them, and this sort of thing takes YEARS. I would get back into counseling immediately, or look for a codependency/emotional abuse support group.

They ended because my counselor and I talked, and things were good, and I had met all of the goals that I set out to meet when I started seeing her. I would love to continue on with the sessions, and may in the future, but cannot afford to do so at this time, as I've used up all of my coverage for that this year. She has said that if I ever have questions or concerns, to come back. I also have a problem with negative self-talk, and am planning on making an appointment to talk to her about that. I will look into the emotional abuse support group in the meantime though, that sounds like a really positive plan!

MissMolly · June 2013

LingerLonger1 said:

It's VERY concerning that you're positioning your FI to be the bad guy to your family. If you don't start standing up to them more before he moves in they're going to assume you're only standing up to them because of him, and they're likely to do everything in their power to tear you apart. If you're not prepared to stand up for yourself now I doubt you're going to be when it intensifies, rather than gets better. You're also setting yourself up for an unequal playing field in your marriage by making your H your savior like that. You can't rely on him to help you stand up to your parents. You need to get the courage to do it yourself.

I urge you to look into a therapist willing to work with you on a sliding scale basis ASAP. You don't have to call off your wedding to do this.

Whoa, wait. When in the world did I say say this? When did I refer to him as my saviour? Is it when I referred to him as my rock? If so, those are 2 totally different things. Saviour is someone who is coming in to rescue me; a "rock" of a person is just someone I can count on, in good times and not-so-good. He's not my saviour; I am. And, for the record, I have been standing up to them, thanks to therapy, things are waaaay better than they were, and my folks and I can now have a conversation without someone taking offense or getting angry. Not only that, but I don't feel the innate need to apologize to them for absolutely everything. Therapy helped, and I would think that if my therapist thought I needed more, she'd have said so. But, to go by the mental-medical advice of an internet post is just plain absurd.

And I'm not calling my wedding off. Just because some internet people who don't have a clue about who I am are telling me I'm too immature to get married, doesn't mean that I actually am.

Thank-you everyone for your advice; the situation is taken care of.

MissMolly · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

I don't know what goals you set out when you started seeing her, but it seems to me that you weren't in therapy for THIS if becoming independent from your parents wasn't one of them. I would find someone else. And as far as cost, there are plenty of resources out there besides private practice therapists. You can get referrals from somewhere like PP or the county health clinic for places that charge on a sliding scale based on income. And support groups are FREE.

I agree with Linger that thinking your FI is your great white hope and will fix things FOR you is a bad plan. It's too much pressure and isn't fair to put that on him, it is likely to backfire, and most importantly it doesn't actually do anything to solve the real problem, which is YOU and your inability to stand up for yourself. If your parents do a complete 180 tomorrow and never try to pressure you again, you will still have all the problems you have today, because the problems aren't other people, the problems come from you never having the chance to develop healthy boundaries.

And by the way, most of us aren't saying you aren't ready for marriage because you aren't "mature" enough or "grown up enough". We're saying you aren't ready because you aren't emotionally healthy enough. Big difference.

Oh brother.
1. I agree with this, which is why I don't think of him as a great white hope. Someone can be part of a support system, and not be taken advantage of in that way.

2. I might face them in the future, but no one has the control over me that my family does, and therefore, if they did a 180º tomorrow, that major issue would be magically fixed. Just to clarify, so this isn't further read into: I don't expect a 180º to happen.

3. Honestly, I don't think that internet strangers can judge the healthiness of other internet strangers. No one here knows me, and no one here will ever meet me because I don't live in the US. Therefore, you guys will never, ever know me the way that the people in my real life do. They don't see me as a meek little incapable girl, nor am I this. I never said that I don't have a long way to go and a long way to heal. Honestly, I'll probably be struggling with this for a good part of my life. Do I have the funds to spend the next 10-15 years in therapy? No, I don't. There comes a point where a person has to also learn to help themselves, which is what I'm trying to do.

I'm growing tired of talking about this; it isn't getting anywhere, and I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of cyber-doctors prescribing more therapy. Hey, have you ladies tried the bean dip? I hear that it's great!

QueerFemme · June 2013

Alesha1978 said:

LingerLonger1 said:

It's VERY concerning that you're positioning your FI to be the bad guy to your family. If you don't start standing up to them more before he moves in they're going to assume you're only standing up to them because of him, and they're likely to do everything in their power to tear you apart. If you're not prepared to stand up for yourself now I doubt you're going to be when it intensifies, rather than gets better. You're also setting yourself up for an unequal playing field in your marriage by making your H your savior like that. You can't rely on him to help you stand up to your parents. You need to get the courage to do it yourself.

I urge you to look into a therapist willing to work with you on a sliding scale basis ASAP. You don't have to call off your wedding to do this.

Whoa, wait. When in the world did I say say this? When did I refer to him as my saviour? Is it when I referred to him as my rock? If so, those are 2 totally different things. Saviour is someone who is coming in to rescue me; a "rock" of a person is just someone I can count on, in good times and not-so-good. He's not my saviour; I am. And, for the record, I have been standing up to them, thanks to therapy, things are waaaay better than they were, and my folks and I can now have a conversation without someone taking offense or getting angry. Not only that, but I don't feel the innate need to apologize to them for absolutely everything. Therapy helped, and I would think that if my therapist thought I needed more, she'd have said so. But, to go by the mental-medical advice of an internet post is just plain absurd.

And I'm not calling my wedding off. Just because some internet people who don't have a clue about who I am are telling me I'm too immature to get married, doesn't mean that I actually am.

Thank-you everyone for your advice; the situation is taken care of.

I would be willing to bet $100 bucks, that this situation isn't going to be "taken care of" for at least the next 10 years.

QueerFemme · June 2013

By the way, you are the one who said you should call off the wedding:

Both of us want a peaceful, happy life together, and now I'm wondering if I should just let him go find someone else to live that life with. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He deserves someone mature, wise, who can stand on her own feet in more than a financial manner, and who is everything that I apparently cannot give him.

MissMolly · June 2013

Okay, well I am reading things objectively, I am quite calm (now), and I don't feel that I'm painting you ladies as horrible witches. I'm sorry that you feel this way, and I'm sorry that you seem to be reading further into things that I absolutely do not mean. The printed word is evil sometimes, as you don't get the tone with it, and everyone reads something differently into it. I'm good with this situation, whichever way it turns. I've said that I would rather not have this little chat with my folks this week, but FH seems set on it. The only other thing I can do is put my foot down, and tell him we're not saying anything, and that he is to move in on the weekend. I still might do that, and his plan is to move in at that time anyways. If my family is ticked off, so be it. It's not their life, it's not their decision, and there's no reason that they need to be so involved in this. It was my own stupidity that caused all this when I opened my big mouth, then panicked and asked my sis for advice, much like I did in coming here.

MissMolly · June 2013

cmgilpin said:

By the way, you are the one who said you should call off the wedding:
Both of us want a peaceful, happy life together, and now I'm wondering if I should just let him go find someone else to live that life with. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He deserves someone mature, wise, who can stand on her own feet in more than a financial manner, and who is everything that I apparently cannot give him.

I suggested that, yes, as I felt stupid, inadequate, and like I didn't deserve someone like him. Then, thankfully I calmed down and came back to my senses, realizing that what's being thrown at me are simply opinions. I can choose what I take out of them, and I was taking them way too seriously. That's what happens when rudeness prevails, and someone says things like "FH should fucking run". Yeah, nice helpful comments.

MissMolly · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

You know what, when you're ready to face the real problem and not blame/lash out at everyone and everything else, feel free to come back and I'll be happy to offer all the help and support you could possibly want. But the fact that you still think your only problem is your parents' behavior truly makes you just as bad off as they are, and the whole "you don't know me" defense is just sad and tiresome. I'm officially done attempting to save you some pain. You insist on running head first into the wall, then by all means, godspeed.

Thank-you for your help and your opinions, stagemanager. I do appreciate them, and I have thought about them. I'm not running head first into a wall, nor am I lashing out. I'm actually quite calm as I type; I'm sorry that you can't see that. I'm sorry that you cannot hear the tone of my posts, and that you can't see that I'm not angry, but am honestly trying to talk through this. I have another action plan: I plan on telling FH tonight that we aren't going to meet with my parents, that this is our decision, and that we need to be proactive and make the one that makes sense for US, not for anyone else. If my folks turned a 180 tomorrow, yes that would fix that problem. I didn't say thta I wouldn't continue to work on me, because I am. Everyday. But, there are only a select few (i.e., those in real life; not in cyber space) who can really see that.

MissMolly · June 2013

LingerLonger1 said:

I don't understand why these are the only two options. Why isn't sitting down with him and explaining how you feel about everything an option? Why cant you explain to him that you'd rather not discuss it with your parents first, but would rather make a decision between the two of you and inform them after the fact so they can't possibly have any sway over your decision? Then let him explain his side and come to a compromise you are both happy with. This is actually the best option.

1. Why isn't sitting down with him and explaining how you feel about everything an option? I have done this.

2. Why cant you explain to him that you'd rather not discuss it with your parents first, but would rather make a decision between the two of you and inform them after the fact so they can't possibly have any sway over your decision? I've done this too, just last night actually.

3. Then let him explain his side and come to a compromise you are both happy with. This we haven't reached yet. This is the problem; I don't want to have this meeting with my folks; he does, and it was his suggestion in the first place. I would much rather just meet with my folks alone, and let them know what's happening. let me clarify: my folks are away, and are coming over to pick their dogs up when they get back home. So, it's not so much a "meeting" as it is a "dog-pick-up-supper-get-together".

runpipparun · June 2013

OP - I do appreciate your wish to change, but I think you do have some reality checks ahead of you. Making a change like this is a friggin war. In order to attain independence, you WILL have to hurt people you love. My FI has lost touch with his entire family (with few exceptions) over his conflict with his mom. If you can't reconcile yourself to putting your fiancé first and your own happiness first at the expense of momentary heartache for others, then you will live a lifetime of being trodden on by your parents. It's not a one-time confrontation, it is a complete change of habits ---- hurting them over and over. Saying no over and over. You can't gain independence WITHOUT hurting the people who control you. It will hurt them and upset them very much, and they'll let you know it.

MissMolly · June 2013

runpipparun said:

OP - I do appreciate your wish to change, but I think you do have some reality checks ahead of you. Making a change like this is a friggin war. In order to attain independence, you WILL have to hurt people you love. My FI has lost touch with his entire family (with few exceptions) over his conflict with his mom. If you can't reconcile yourself to putting your fiancé first and your own happiness first at the expense of momentary heartache for others, then you will live a lifetime of being trodden on by your parents. It's not a one-time confrontation, it is a complete change of habits ---- hurting them over and over. Saying no over and over. You can't gain independence WITHOUT hurting the people who control you. It will hurt them and upset them very much, and they'll let you know it.

Oh, I know. I've faced them and their wrath before, and am prepared to do it again. I've taken into account the advice given on this thread, and realize that changes absolutely need to be made, now. I will be talking to FH again tonight, and expressing that we really need to change the way this situation is going to be handled. I don't want to be walked on for the rest of my life, as that will also affect my upcoming marriage. Believe it or not, but I have been speaking up to them; just not with something so major. However, there's no time like the present!!

started the prenup ball rolling

Re: started the prenup ball rolling

Choose Another Board

Search Boards