Bridesmaid Said "Maybe"...

vboggess · September 2013

I recently asked a very close friend to be a bridesmaid, she wasn't excited at all and immediately came up with reasons why she might not be able to be apart of my special day. When I approached her later to tell her that I understand it is a big financial and time commitment and wouldn't be hurt or offended if she couldn't participate in that way, she said she absolutely wants to be a bridesmaid but just needs time to think about it. She hasn't spoken to me since and I really need an answer since there is another girl I was thinking of asking knowing that my friend is making me feel she isn't interested and couldn't give me a solid answer when I gave her the chance to back out on her own. I don't want to hurt our friendship but I do want a bridesmaid who is 100% committed, how do I find out why she can't commit?

UPDATE: Thanks for everybody's opinions. I appreciate your responses and will focus on other aspects for my wedding right now. Moving on...

RedJacks25 · September 2013

Give her time to think about it. Maybe she's struggling financially right now and she needs to figure out if it's something she can manage. Maybe she's having some family troubles and she needs to determine whether or not she can take her focus away from that.

Why did you ask her anyway if you'd be so quick to just dismiss her for needing time to think?

ETA: Wouldn't you rather she take a little time to consider it instead of jump at saying yes to you and then backing out later?

daveANDkristen · September 2013

vboggess said:

I recently asked a very close friend to be a bridesmaid, she wasn't excited at all and immediately came up with reasons why she might not be able to be apart of my special day. When I approached her later to tell her that I understand it is a big financial and time commitment and wouldn't be hurt or offended if she couldn't participate in that way, she said she absolutely wants to be a bridesmaid but just needs time to think about it. She hasn't spoken to me since and I really need an answer since there is another girl I would rather ask knowing that my friend is clearly showing me she isn't interested and couldn't give me a solid answer when I gave her the chance to back out on her own. I don't want to hurt our friendship but I do want a bridesmaid who is 100% committed, how do I tell her thanks but no thanks?

Maybe she does need time to make sure that she has the finances or the time before she commits. Just because she said "let me think about it", you want to tell her nevermind?

When is your wedding? I know you are anxious to know her answer, but why do you "really need an answer" right now? If you want that other girl to be a BM too, just ask her. It doesn't matter how many you have, and it doesn't need to be even with the number your FI has, if that is the issue.

svc2014 · September 2013

Ugh that's unfortunate! Do you think it's a money thing or do you think she's just not one of those people that would enjoy being in a wedding?

I understand, I wouldn't want someone in my wedding that didn't actually want to be in it but I don't think you can un-ask her. Let her know its okay to say she can't/doesn't want to. Maybe she is avoiding you because she feels bad about it and so if you both clear it up you can move on rather than her just avoiding you and causing a rift in the friendship.

Don't call her up and just start talking about your wedding though. Give her some time and if she is avoiding you try to contact her as a friend not a bride.

Goodluck!!

doeydo · September 2013

Unless you're getting married right away/within the week, I don't see the giant rush you're putting on her. It's not that she is uninterested in being your bridesmaid, but the potential costs etc. that she might have to think about. Why are you so quick to want to "replace" her? If you want to ask your other friend, then ask her to be an additional bridesmaid.

banana468 · September 2013

While it's sad that she didn't answer you with a loud "Of COURSE!!! SQUEEE!" you need to understand that she needs time.

And please. Your wedding isn't a play. Stop treating the role of a bridesmaid as if she's part of a cast with limited slots.

RedJacks25 · September 2013

banana468 said:

And please. Your wedding isn't a play. Stop treating the role of a bridesmaid as if she's part of a cast with limited slots.

Best. Analogy. Ever.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

Seriously? And loose my 'my special day' crap. You woke up today- it's a special day.

Maybe the reasons she doesn't want to is because you sound like a jerk.

ashleyep · September 2013

Be wary of pressuring her. Even if technically the only requirement is buying a dress and showing up the day of, most girls feel like they need to be involved in more than that - which can be a huge time and money commitment.

For example, at my friends wedding I had to get an extra night at the hotel to be at the rehearsal and dinner. If I was just a guest I would have only needed Saturday night. That was $230 for the night plus $230 for the dress (she was trying to be budget conscious by picking David's Bridal, but they don't carry my size, so $100 in alterations).

At that same wedding, we kind of pressured this girl who was having doubts about being a bridesmaid into sticking with it, and in hindsight, it was a terrible, terrible idea. It was very clear that she didn't want to be there, and would have preferred to just be a guest, and you don't want that kind of attitude surrounding you the day before and the day that you get married.

MDbride1012 · September 2013

Being a bridesmaid is a financial decision as much as it is anything else. Perhaps she needs time to make sure she is able to commit to buying a dress, any travel costs, etc. Wouldn't you rather have her be 100% sure before she commits now rather then back out later?

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

If she was close enough to you to be in your wedding, I'm confused why you would be so quick to replace her when she said she needs time to think.

It sounds to me like you're hurt that she didn't immediately say yes and you want to replace her for that reason. This is very petty and will put strain on your friendship. Please don't do it.

Ask her on a friend-date and have an open, adult conversation about it. See where she is and make it about HER, not "your special day". Unless you are ordering BM dresses or your wedding is in a couple weeks, you don't NEED to know right now.

Also, if you want this other friend to be in your wedding, why dont you just ask her? You don't need "even sides" or a certain amount of BMs. Whether your uncommitted friend commits or says no, it's not going to make a difference.

vboggess · September 2013

Thanks for the helpful responses, I do not want to pressure her and would love for her to be a bridesmaid. I did tell her I wouldn't be offended if she couldn't commit due to financial and time obligations, I know being in a wedding is a lot. I am just discouraged that even when I approached her afterwards to find out a reason for the hesitation I didn't get any better idea as to what her concerns were, since she told me she wasn't concerned about financial commitments. I'm not trying to "replace" her but my FI and I have decided we want the same number on each side...I guess in my mind I didn't ever expect her to have any hesitations knowing how close we are, and now I'm not sure what the hesitation is when she said it wasn't financial. I would like her to be a part of my bridal party but don't want her to sign on if she isn't completely into it.

RedJacks25 · September 2013

If you're so set on even sides, what happens if you ask the back-up girl and she also doesn't commit right away? Do you have a back-up back-up girl?

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Thanks for the helpful responses, I do not want to pressure her and would love for her to be a bridesmaid. I did tell her I wouldn't be offended if she couldn't commit due to financial and time obligations, I know being in a wedding is a lot. I am just discouraged that even when I approached her afterwards to find out a reason for the hesitation I didn't get any better idea as to what her concerns were, since she told me she wasn't concerned about financial commitments. I'm not trying to "replace" her but my FI and I have decided we want the same number on each side...I guess in my mind I didn't ever expect her to have any hesitations knowing how close we are, and now I'm not sure what the hesitation is when she said it wasn't financial. I would like her to be a part of my bridal party but don't want her to sign on if she isn't completely into it.

Why? Why is even sides so freaking important? Do you think your marriage won't be valid if you don't have even sides? How does this conversation even begin? H and I never discussed wanting even sides because having who we love and trust most in the world took precedence over everything. Seriously, to all the brides out there, stop with the even sides crap because it is fucking ridiculous.

As for her hesitation. It shouldn't matter what is making her hesitate in giving you an answer. Just give her some time and let her come to you. If you keep pestering her about it she will most definitely say no. Just let her figure it out and give you an answer when she is ready. Unless you are getting married tomorrow her taking her time is not an issue.

daveANDkristen · September 2013

vboggess said:

Thanks for the helpful responses, I do not want to pressure her and would love for her to be a bridesmaid. I did tell her I wouldn't be offended if she couldn't commit due to financial and time obligations, I know being in a wedding is a lot. I am just discouraged that even when I approached her afterwards to find out a reason for the hesitation I didn't get any better idea as to what her concerns were, since she told me she wasn't concerned about financial commitments. I'm not trying to "replace" her but my FI and I have decided we want the same number on each side...I guess in my mind I didn't ever expect her to have any hesitations knowing how close we are, and now I'm not sure what the hesitation is when she said it wasn't financial. I would like her to be a part of my bridal party but don't want her to sign on if she isn't completely into it.

Can I ask why? Is it just because it's what is commonly done? I just ask because there is really no reason why you can't have uneven sides. There are lots of ways to walk in and out of the ceremony that do not pair the WP up boy-girl-boy-girl. Elaborating on what @RedJacks25 said, what if all your BMs & GMs accepted with a "SQUEEE!" but then later they find that they cannot attend (sudden financial trouble, can't get off work, etc). Would replace that person with a short amount of time remaining?

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

vboggess said:

Thanks for the helpful responses, I do not want to pressure her and would love for her to be a bridesmaid. I did tell her I wouldn't be offended if she couldn't commit due to financial and time obligations, I know being in a wedding is a lot. I am just discouraged that even when I approached her afterwards to find out a reason for the hesitation I didn't get any better idea as to what her concerns were, since she told me she wasn't concerned about financial commitments. I'm not trying to "replace" her but my FI and I have decided we want the same number on each side...I guess in my mind I didn't ever expect her to have any hesitations knowing how close we are, and now I'm not sure what the hesitation is when she said it wasn't financial. I would like her to be a part of my bridal party but don't want her to sign on if she isn't completely into it.

Essentially, you are putting even sides above important relationships in your life. I have to advise that you reconsider this.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

vboggess said:

Thanks for the helpful responses, I do not want to pressure her and would love for her to be a bridesmaid. I did tell her I wouldn't be offended if she couldn't commit due to financial and time obligations, I know being in a wedding is a lot. I am just discouraged that even when I approached her afterwards to find out a reason for the hesitation I didn't get any better idea as to what her concerns were, since she told me she wasn't concerned about financial commitments. I'm not trying to "replace" her but my FI and I have decided we want the same number on each side...I guess in my mind I didn't ever expect her to have any hesitations knowing how close we are, and now I'm not sure what the hesitation is when she said it wasn't financial. I would like her to be a part of my bridal party but don't want her to sign on if she isn't completely into it.

First bold: there might still be financial concerns that she doesn't want to talk about. I know that I don't want to talk about it when I have financial troubles, even to my closest family and friends.

Second bold: When you look back on your wedding photos, will you see yourself surrounded by your friends and family, or will you be counting heads to make sure both sides have the same number of people?

ashleyep · September 2013

I'd hate to be that girl when she realizes she's just a backup choice. "I know I wasn't your first choice, but I can't wait to spend hundreds of dollars to be a part of your big day so you can have symmetrical photos!"

NYCMercedes · September 2013

She may need to coordinate her calendar. Apart from the financial reasons, there are probably many things happening in her life around your special day. She could have a family member's graduation, a family trip, a family member's wedding, a big work event, etc. Additionally, ask the other girl to be a bridesmaid. One girl's answer has nothing to do with the other girl. Have your nearest and dearest, regardless if it's 20 or 12.

vboggess · September 2013

I see everybody's points about the uneven vs even sides... something I will talk with my FH about... There is really no set reason to answer @daveANDkristen 's question. When we talked about our bridal party we both just felt that we wanted the same number of people on each sides. I appreciate those comments from you who are making me think about this in a thoughtful way rather than telling me I'm stupid for wanting it even on both sides. But I am going to reconsider the uneven vs even sides and talk with my FH so can we stop with the negative comments?

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

My H wanted even sides too. I just picked who I wanted, and figured he could match me if he wanted (he did). In my experience many guys are more traditional about the even sides thing for some reason. I think the best argument you can give him is that people are more important than pictures.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

ashleyep said:

I'd hate to be that girl when she realizes she's just a backup choice. "I know I wasn't your first choice, but I can't wait to spend hundreds of dollars to be a part of your big day so you can have symmetrical photos!"

Been that girl. And it sucks sooooo bad.

daveANDkristen · September 2013

vboggess said:

I see everybody's points about the uneven vs even sides... something I will talk with my FH about... There is really no set reason to answer @daveANDkristen 's question. When we talked about our bridal party we both just felt that we wanted the same number of people on each sides. I appreciate those comments from you who are making me think about this in a thoughtful way rather than telling me I'm stupid for wanting it even on both sides. But I am going to reconsider the uneven vs even sides and talk with my FH so can we stop with the negative comments?

I don't think anyone is trying to be negative. It is just frustrating when we think about friends' feelings being hurt because they weren't asked (or were asked as a fill-in/backup) for the sake of even sides. We are trying to make you really question why you reached that decision, and I'm glad to hear that you will consider it.

What are you going to do about your "maybe" bridesmaid?

vboggess · September 2013

daveANDkristen after reading peoples thoughts I think the best decision is to just have another conversation with her to find out if there really are some financial burdens (which I would be willing to talk with her about..ie she doesn't need to buy a gift, and my family wants to pay for the bridal shower, we can find a cheaper dress etc.) or if it is a time commitment and come to mutual ground on what I want from a bridesmaid (show up to try on dresses, attend the bridal shower, bachelorette party and be there the day of my wedding). I guess just figure out what her hesitation is and go from there...

KeptInStitches · September 2013

Attending the bridal shower/bachelorette party could be difficult for a few reasons: work schedules might not let her take the time off, she might not be able to afford it, etc. I think that you should cut your expectations back to get the dress and show up the day of the wedding. That way, anything above that is gravy.

daveANDkristen · September 2013

vboggess said:

daveANDkristen after reading peoples thoughts I think the best decision is to just have another conversation with her to find out if there really are some financial burdens (which I would be willing to talk with her about..ie she doesn't need to buy a gift, and my family wants to pay for the bridal shower, we can find a cheaper dress etc.) or if it is a time commitment and come to mutual ground on what I want from a bridesmaid (show up to try on dresses, attend the bridal shower, bachelorette party and be there the day of my wedding). I guess just figure out what her hesitation is and go from there...

When did you first ask her? How long after did you follow up? When is your wedding? And is it local to her?

Maggie0829 · September 2013

You should not have a conversation about what you expect from your BM with her. The only obligation she would have is to buy the dress and show up on your wedding day looking presentable, sober and ready to smile for pictures. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Remember BMs are people you want to honor, not people who you expect to do certain things just because they are BMs.

I don't know when the last time you spoke with her about this was but I really think that you should just wait for her to come to you. You constantly asking her about her decision will come off as you being naggy and impatient. Just give her some time. And that means more then a few days or even a week.

LDubHawksFan · September 2013

daveANDkristen said:

vboggess said:

daveANDkristen after reading peoples thoughts I think the best decision is to just have another conversation with her to find out if there really are some financial burdens (which I would be willing to talk with her about..ie she doesn't need to buy a gift, and my family wants to pay for the bridal shower, we can find a cheaper dress etc.) or if it is a time commitment and come to mutual ground on what I want from a bridesmaid (show up to try on dresses, attend the bridal shower, bachelorette party and be there the day of my wedding). I guess just figure out what her hesitation is and go from there...

When did you first ask her? How long after did you follow up? When is your wedding? And is it local to her?

All of this. We need to know when your wedding is and if you are hounding her about this decision. Bms do not have to attend all of the preceding events or throw them for you. Like pp said, it could be financial reasons she doesn't want to share with you. Or her pto could be really tight and she isn't sure if she'll have enough time off to come. Or maybe it's something family related. Back off the wedding train and see how your friend is doing in general.

I'm glad you are reconsidering the even sides. It's insulting to both women if you wait to ask this other girl. She is second class choice and your current BM is replaceable. My h wanted even sides and I told him I didn't care. Ultimately he only picked 3 friends which was even but gasp, 2 wks before our wedding one of my girls dropped out because she finally had her baby and realized she couldn't travel. I was totally fine with it. Imagine if I would have pressured her 8 months before on whether she actually thought she would come so I could ask another friend? And for the record, my uneven side pictures are beautiful! Choose your wp based on relationships, not pictures and pairings.

And op, don't bother editing your post to remove the part about how to ask her to back out after you were quoted.

phira · September 2013

When I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor, it happened in the moment and we were both so excited. A couple days later, we actually sat down and TALKED about it because it's not as simple as, "Of course she'll be the maid of honor because she's the bride's best friend." We talked about my expectations and her expectations, and what would happen if she had to move again, or if she could only get the day of the wedding off from work.

It sounds like you should talk to your friend about your expectations and ask about her expectations. In fact, talk to ALL of your bridesmaids. If you tell this friend, "You aren't expected to pay for anything except your dress, or do anything except walk down the aisle and stand up with me during the wedding," that's great. But if you don't talk to the other members of the wedding part, they might decide they're going to host your shower or bachelorette party and make everyone contribute financially. It would put your friend in an awkward situation.

In the meantime, talk with your fiance about the evenness of the wedding party. If you end up having one groomsman walk down with a bridesmaid on each arm, the world won't end.

vboggess · September 2013

@daveANDkristen I asked her about a week ago and followed up a couple days ago...our wedding would be within 45mins-hour from her (which is the closest any of my other girls are) our wedding is sometime April 2015...waiting to hear back from our venue on specific availability as someone had a hold in our date but was thinking about changing theirs.

I know our wedding is farther out and I may be asking them "too early" in some people's opinions but my group of friends has a lot of weddings coming up in the next two years so I want to give every one enough notice so they can figure out schedules. I also feel confident that we will all be friends then otherwise they wouldn't be in my mind do consideration.

The more I delve into why I'm feeling this way I realize I'm not necessarily upset that I got the maybe as much as I'm concerned as to why I have no specific reason from her as to why it's a maybe so I don't know how to offer help or help determine what I can do on my end to include her in my bridal party.

vboggess · September 2013

@daveANDkristen if it is financial or commitment concerns I'd be willing to work with her, but if it is something else I don't want her to say yes and not be 100% emotionally committed to supporting me and my FH...if that makes sense

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