Bridesmaid Said "Maybe"...

atlastmrsg

You should give her a timeline that fits in with the timeline to order dresses, attend showers, etc., but one that leaves time for her to say no and ask someone else.  Simply tell her that you need an answer by a certain date.

If she can't give you an answer by that date, she might be difficult to schedule or waver when you ask her to commit to other activities, so you're better off moving on so that you don't spend the time leading up to your wedding herding her around.

No one has to know that the back up bridesmaid isn't first string.  Don't tell the other bridesmaids who's in and who's out until you know for sure.  It's really not a big deal unless you let it leak that the back up one wasn't your first pick.

As for keeping the sides equal, I think it looks a lot nicer in photos and during the procession, so way to go for sticking to your guns.

LDubHawksFan

vboggess said:

@daveANDkristen I asked her about a week ago and followed up a couple days ago...our wedding would be within 45mins-hour from her (which is the closest any of my other girls are) our wedding is sometime April 2015...waiting to hear back from our venue on specific availability as someone had a hold in our date but was thinking about changing theirs.

I know our wedding is farther out and I may be asking them "too early" in some people's opinions but my group of friends has a lot of weddings coming up in the next two years so I want to give every one enough notice so they can figure out schedules. I also feel confident that we will all be friends then otherwise they wouldn't be in my mind do consideration.

The more I delve into why I'm feeling this way I realize I'm not necessarily upset that I got the maybe as much as I'm concerned as to why I have no specific reason from her as to why it's a maybe so I don't know how to offer help or help determine what I can do on my end to include her in my bridal party.

It is way to early to ask them. I have no idea where I will be in 18 months! And if you only asked her 7 days ago, and then again maybe 4 days ago, leave it be. You need to focus on getting things set, like the date. What if her family has a standing vacation that falls on the date you pick down the line. Figure out the date if their commitment.

MuppetOverlord

Have as many bridesmaids as you feel completes your wedding party. For me, it was having the 4 people in the world that I'm closest to.

I don't see where you responded about when your wedding is but the only time you really need her to respond by is the date you have to have your girls order their gowns.

I think need to leave her alone for a while. It should be okay that she takes time to consider it.

I personally would wait to invite her when I went dress shopping or some other wedding-oriented thing that you may include your friends and bridesmaids in. She can be part of these things as a friend or bridesmaid, but that would also probably prompt her to make a decision.

ETA: Updates posted before I finished my response.... You asked way too early and your friend is totally making sense to wait to respond to you. I still stand by my advice above and would wait until you go dress shopping mid next year to confirm anything.  I would wait until next year to even mention it again.

daveANDkristen

vboggess said:

@daveANDkristen I asked her about a week ago and followed up a couple days ago...our wedding would be within 45mins-hour from her (which is the closest any of my other girls are) our wedding is sometime April 2015...waiting to hear back from our venue on specific availability as someone had a hold in our date but was thinking about changing theirs. I know our wedding is farther out and I may be asking them "too early" in some people's opinions but my group of friends has a lot of weddings coming up in the next two years so I want to give every one enough notice so they can figure out schedules. I also feel confident that we will all be friends then otherwise they wouldn't be in my mind do consideration. The more I delve into why I'm feeling this way I realize I'm not necessarily upset that I got the maybe as much as I'm concerned as to why I have no specific reason from her as to why it's a maybe so I don't know how to offer help or help determine what I can do on my end to include her in my bridal party.

Bolded - Then maybe that is what she's doing.  Listen, I do understand that people get excited about asking their wedding party, but 4/15 is a long way away.  There is really nothing that you need from your WP until you are at least inside of 9 months from the wedding.  Really.  If you want people to bounce ideas off of, come here! 

I know it's hard because you have already asked her, but I would really urge you not to follow up with her and try to put this out of your mind for a while.  I hardly talked wedding with most of my friends, including WP, until the summer of last year (we were married Sept 8).  All the plans you are making now, securing the venue and important vendors, are things for you and your FI to worry about.  You don't need anyone to be "emotionally commited to supporting you and your FH".

MuppetOverlord

ditto D&K.

Set a budget. Pick a date range. Pick a venue. Think about colors. That's a lot to deal with for a while, that should occupy you.

SKPM

Why do you need an answer this far out? I get that you asked her ridiculously early so that "people can figure out their schedules," but why does it matter to you whether she gets back to you next week or next year -- now that you're allegedly reconsidering the importance of even sides?

Between now and your tentative wedding date, she could literally get pregnant twice and have 2 consecutive children. Or start and finish a graduate school program. Or start a job, get promoted, and get transferred across the country. Any number of life events that impact one's schedule, budget, and lifestyle. But you're impatient that she's taken more than 4 days to get back to you about it? I recommend giving her a break from the wedding talk (seriously, no one will want to talk about your wedding for the next 19 months except for maybe your fiance), get back to hanging out and chatting as friends, and let her make her own decisions. You don't need to look at dresses or anything for at least a year.

doeydo

vboggess said:

@daveANDkristen I asked her about a week ago and followed up a couple days ago...our wedding would be within 45mins-hour from her (which is the closest any of my other girls are) our wedding is sometime April 2015...waiting to hear back from our venue on specific availability as someone had a hold in our date but was thinking about changing theirs. I know our wedding is farther out and I may be asking them "too early" in some people's opinions but my group of friends has a lot of weddings coming up in the next two years so I want to give every one enough notice so they can figure out schedules. I also feel confident that we will all be friends then otherwise they wouldn't be in my mind do consideration. The more I delve into why I'm feeling this way I realize I'm not necessarily upset that I got the maybe as much as I'm concerned as to why I have no specific reason from her as to why it's a maybe so I don't know how to offer help or help determine what I can do on my end to include her in my bridal party.

Whoa, settle down there.  There's no race to pick bridesmaids.  You have plenty of time, years really.  Start doing other kinds of planning like colours and venues and don't get ahead of yourself.  

southernbelle0915

Usually BMs are asked about 10 months before the wedding. That being said, it sounds like you've already asked people (my guess is that you were recently engaged and excited) so that's water under the bridge. 

The way to deal w/ it now is to realize that you have 18 months before you get married and be patient. This girl has time, you have time. Relax. Get excited about other aspects of the wedding. Stop pressuring her/asking her - I'd give her a solid two months before even bringing it up again. 

MuppetOverlord

southernbelle0915 said:

Usually BMs are asked about 10 months before the wedding. That being said, it sounds like you've already asked people (my guess is that you were recently engaged and excited) so that's water under the bridge. 

The way to deal w/ it now is to realize that you have 18 months before you get married and be patient. This girl has time, you have time. Relax. Get excited about other aspects of the wedding. Stop pressuring her/asking her - I'd give her a solid two months before even bringing it up again. 

Wine too. I also suggest wine.

southernbelle0915

MuppetOverlord said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Usually BMs are asked about 10 months before the wedding. That being said, it sounds like you've already asked people (my guess is that you were recently engaged and excited) so that's water under the bridge. 

The way to deal w/ it now is to realize that you have 18 months before you get married and be patient. This girl has time, you have time. Relax. Get excited about other aspects of the wedding. Stop pressuring her/asking her - I'd give her a solid two months before even bringing it up again. 

Wine too. I also suggest wine.

Oh yes, and Ben&Jerry's. 

P.S. How is she supposed to commit when you don't even have a date?

STARMOON44

This is exhausting. I can't believe you want her to commit when you haven't even set a date. You don't need to do or say anything to help her make up her mind, just give her the time she asked for- 6 months of it! And in the meantime be a normal friend. No one wants to hear about your wedding constantly for over a year and a half.

lc07

I get that you want to help her to be a bridesmaid if you are able to. But I think you need to respect her space and give her a lot of time to make this decision. Months even. It's probably not about you AT ALL.

I am currently going through some very serious personal problems. I'm not sharing the details of those problems with ANYONE at this point. Not my family, not my best friends. My family has asked me about Christmas plans for this year and I cannot give them a concrete answer as to whether or not I will be able to attend. They are respecting that without knowing any details of my personal problems or the reason for my hesitation.

If she wanted to share her reasons for being hesitant she would have. She told you she wants to be a bridesmaid but she has to consider other things first. Leave her alone about it.

Edited for clarity.

vboggess

All of your advice/opinions are noted. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses, you gave me a lot to think about and helped me realize a few things. Time to focus on the fun things and stop worrying about the negativity/things out of my control... end of discussion.

RedJacks25

vboggess said:

 end of discussion.

I like gifs.

ashleyep

alisonmarie658 said:

SAHoehle said:

You should give her a timeline that fits in with the timeline to order dresses, attend showers, etc., but one that leaves time for her to say no and ask someone else.  Simply tell her that you need an answer by a certain date.

If she can't give you an answer by that date, she might be difficult to schedule or waver when you ask her to commit to other activities, so you're better off moving on so that you don't spend the time leading up to your wedding herding her around.

No one has to know that the back up bridesmaid isn't first string.  Don't tell the other bridesmaids who's in and who's out until you know for sure.  It's really not a big deal unless you let it leak that the back up one wasn't your first pick.

As for keeping the sides equal, I think it looks a lot nicer in photos and during the procession, so way to go for sticking to your guns.

To the bolded: There are very few things that are ruder than kicking out a bridemaid and replacing her. I don't know of any way this could be handled tactfully.

To the italicized: I don't know how many times people have to post that even sides don't matter.

So, I actually agree that even sides looks better. So I could see wanting it when you start planning and even asking one more or less person than you might have otherwise. However, your attendants are not props, they're your friends, and the prettier photos are not worth the hurt feelings of someone finding out they're a backup bridesmaid. 

smalfrie19

RedJacks25 said:

vboggess said:

 end of discussion.

I like gifs.

FINE! END OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!

Maggie0829

ashleyep said:

alisonmarie658 said:

SAHoehle said:

You should give her a timeline that fits in with the timeline to order dresses, attend showers, etc., but one that leaves time for her to say no and ask someone else.  Simply tell her that you need an answer by a certain date.

If she can't give you an answer by that date, she might be difficult to schedule or waver when you ask her to commit to other activities, so you're better off moving on so that you don't spend the time leading up to your wedding herding her around.

No one has to know that the back up bridesmaid isn't first string.  Don't tell the other bridesmaids who's in and who's out until you know for sure.  It's really not a big deal unless you let it leak that the back up one wasn't your first pick.

As for keeping the sides equal, I think it looks a lot nicer in photos and during the procession, so way to go for sticking to your guns.

To the bolded: There are very few things that are ruder than kicking out a bridemaid and replacing her. I don't know of any way this could be handled tactfully.

To the italicized: I don't know how many times people have to post that even sides don't matter.

So, I actually agree that even sides looks better. So I could see wanting it when you start planning and even asking one more or less person than you might have otherwise. However, your attendants are not props, they're your friends, and the prettier photos are not worth the hurt feelings of someone finding out they're a backup bridesmaid. 

Can I ask you something?  Do you think this picture would look better if I had the same amount of girls as he had guys?  I am really curious because I think the picture rocks (I know it is my picture but I have seen many uneven wedding party pictures that rock as well).  Having an even wedding party does not make the pictures look better, it is the photographer and how they mix everyone up and take the photos that makes the pictures look better.

RedJacks25

smalfrie19 said:

RedJacks25 said:

vboggess said:

 end of discussion.

I like gifs.

FINE! END OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!

LDubHawksFan

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

alisonmarie658 said:

SAHoehle said:

You should give her a timeline that fits in with the timeline to order dresses, attend showers, etc., but one that leaves time for her to say no and ask someone else.  Simply tell her that you need an answer by a certain date.

If she can't give you an answer by that date, she might be difficult to schedule or waver when you ask her to commit to other activities, so you're better off moving on so that you don't spend the time leading up to your wedding herding her around.

No one has to know that the back up bridesmaid isn't first string.  Don't tell the other bridesmaids who's in and who's out until you know for sure.  It's really not a big deal unless you let it leak that the back up one wasn't your first pick.

As for keeping the sides equal, I think it looks a lot nicer in photos and during the procession, so way to go for sticking to your guns.

To the bolded: There are very few things that are ruder than kicking out a bridemaid and replacing her. I don't know of any way this could be handled tactfully.

To the italicized: I don't know how many times people have to post that even sides don't matter.

So, I actually agree that even sides looks better. So I could see wanting it when you start planning and even asking one more or less person than you might have otherwise. However, your attendants are not props, they're your friends, and the prettier photos are not worth the hurt feelings of someone finding out they're a backup bridesmaid. 


Can I ask you something?  Do you think this picture would look better if I had the same amount of girls as he had guys?  I am really curious because I think the picture rocks (I know it is my picture but I have seen many uneven wedding party pictures that rock as well).  Having an even
wedding party does not make the pictures look better, it is the photographer and how they mix everyone up and take the photos that makes the pictures look better.


Exactly! A talented photographer can make any group picture look great. That is what you are paying them for. I love all of our uneven pictures too. And if we are being super honest and nit-picky, pictures will always look "uneven". You could have even matched men and women around the bride and groom, who are dressed in the same color suit/tux as the gm (uneven!!), and a giant white dress in the middle.

Same thing for the intro or recessional argument, a good dj or even just someone thinking outside of the pairing box can think around this. Single file, double up a BMs with a GM, or vice versa, etc. seriously, no one pays that much attention. My BM rocked it getting escorted in by two GM.

Edit: I can't get Maggie's quote separated from my post.

ashleyep

Maggie0829 said: ashleyep said: alisonmarie658 said: SAHoehle said: You should give her a timeline that fits in with the timeline to order dresses, attend showers, etc., but one that leaves time for her to say no and ask someone else.  Simply tell her that you need an answer by a certain date.
If she can't give you an answer by that date, she might be difficult to schedule or waver when you ask her to commit to other activities, so you're better off moving on so that you don't spend the time leading up to your wedding herding her around.
No one has to know that the back up bridesmaid isn't first string.  Don't tell the other bridesmaids who's in and who's out until you know for sure.  It's really not a big deal unless you let it leak that the back up one wasn't your first pick.
As for keeping the sides equal, I think it looks a lot nicer in photos and during the procession, so way to go for sticking to your guns. To the bolded: There are very few things that are ruder than kicking out a bridemaid and replacing her. I don't know of any way this could be handled tactfully.
To the italicized: I don't know how many times people have to post that even sides don't matter.

So, I actually agree that even sides looks better. So I could see wanting it when you start planning and even asking one more or less person than you might have otherwise. However, your attendants are not props, they're your friends, and the prettier photos are not worth the hurt feelings of someone finding out they're a backup bridesmaid.  Can I ask you something?  Do you think this picture would look better if I had the same amount of girls as he had guys?  I am really curious because I think the picture rocks (I know it is my picture but I have seen many uneven wedding party pictures that rock as well).  Having an even wedding party does not make the pictures look better, it is the photographer and how they mix everyone up and take the photos that makes the pictures look better.
--------
In that particular photo, no. But I do, in general, prefer the posing with the bridesmaids on one side and the groomsmen on the other --it's very traditional, which is more my style. Yours is a pretty kick ass photo though.

That's also why I said I could see why people would ask 1 more or less person than they might have otherwise. Most photographers will still go with the couples paradigm if there's a barely unequal number of attendants - which can make the photos look slightly off. 

I absolutely, 100% don't agree with using your friends as props, but if you're on the fence about asking someone, I don't really see the issue with using the even numbers as the deciding factor.

And for the record - I have uneven sides! I agree that your friends are more important than your photos.

misssunshine17

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

alisonmarie658 said:

SAHoehle said:

You should give her a timeline that fits in with the timeline to order dresses, attend showers, etc., but one that leaves time for her to say no and ask someone else.  Simply tell her that you need an answer by a certain date.

If she can't give you an answer by that date, she might be difficult to schedule or waver when you ask her to commit to other activities, so you're better off moving on so that you don't spend the time leading up to your wedding herding her around.

No one has to know that the back up bridesmaid isn't first string.  Don't tell the other bridesmaids who's in and who's out until you know for sure.  It's really not a big deal unless you let it leak that the back up one wasn't your first pick.

As for keeping the sides equal, I think it looks a lot nicer in photos and during the procession, so way to go for sticking to your guns.

To the bolded: There are very few things that are ruder than kicking out a bridemaid and replacing her. I don't know of any way this could be handled tactfully.

To the italicized: I don't know how many times people have to post that even sides don't matter.

So, I actually agree that even sides looks better. So I could see wanting it when you start planning and even asking one more or less person than you might have otherwise. However, your attendants are not props, they're your friends, and the prettier photos are not worth the hurt feelings of someone finding out they're a backup bridesmaid. 

Can I ask you something?  Do you think this picture would look better if I had the same amount of girls as he had guys?  I am really curious because I think the picture rocks (I know it is my picture but I have seen many uneven wedding party pictures that rock as well).  Having an even wedding party does not make the pictures look better, it is the photographer and how they mix everyone up and take the photos that makes the pictures look better.

There's no place for logic when it comes to uneven sides, Maggie. Seriously. 

NYCMercedes

What if you (generic you) planned even sides and then the day of, someone got sick? Horrors! Your pictures would be ruined! Would your marriage be doomed forever?

doeydo

NYCMercedes is right.  What if someone in your bridal party gets sick or in a car accident etc. and can't make it to your wedding?  Do you ask the first girl you see to squeeze into her dress and be your new bridesmaid?