FIL wife who thinks she can replace grooms deceased mom

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

1) If your FH dislikes her calling herself "MOG", that's his battle to fight. Let it go.

2) "Support" and "help" =/= hosting a wedding related event or giving you money.

3) Her dress choice is fine. Let it go.

4) Her asking you about who's going to walk you down the AISLE is a non-issue. Lots of brides w/o parents in attendance have another relative or friend walk them down. This is a harmless question. Let it go.

OP, it sounds like you are WAY too caught up in drama. 99% of this is such a non-issue. If I were her, I'd feel like I was walking on egg shells all the time because everything I did would get blown out of proportion. You don't "handle" these people. They're adults and there's nothing for you to get involved with or address. As for the her drinking problem, I think your energy would be better spent offering her help rather than judging her.

arrippa · November 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

1) If your FH dislikes her calling herself "MOG", that's his battle to fight. Let it go.
2) "Support" and "help" =/= hosting a wedding related event or giving you money.
3) Her dress choice is fine. Let it go.

4) Her asking you about who's going to walk you down the AISLE is a non-issue. Lots of brides w/o parents in attendance have another relative or friend walk them down. This is a harmless question. Let it go.

OP, it sounds like you are WAY too caught up in drama. 99% of this is such a non-issue. If I were her, I'd feel like I was walking on egg shells all the time because everything I did would get blown out of proportion. You don't "handle" these people. They're adults and there's nothing for you to get involved with or address. As for the her drinking problem, I think your energy would be better spent offering her help rather than judging her.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Chipmunk415 · November 2013

FI's mom died in a car accident after the divorce when he was a teen. FFIL later met and married FSMIL. FI isn't crazy about his stepmom, doesn't necessarily like her, but respects her as his Dad's wife and for giving his younger brother a stable home environment to the best of her ability.

We haven't really said "mother of the groom" as much. When we say it, in reference to FSMIL's attire, we don't think it disrespects FI's mom, it's just a reference to attire generally worn by female parents of the bride or groom. We are not singling her out in any way whatsoever, though I have made it a point to include her on dress shopping and the like, as she has never had children and FI has no sisters.

OP, "Together with our families" is a lovely phrase for invitations that avoids sticky issues. This "MOG/Not MOG" issue is one between her and your FI, and your FI still needs to respect her as your Dad's wife.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

nsweare said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

nsweare said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
I think your FSMIL drinks because you're judgey and use horrible grammar.

End game: you don't have to honour her as the mother if the groom, but you can't disrespect her and not acknowledge her as your FIL's wife.

Think how YOU would feel if someone said, 'Oh, she's not really an aunt/SIL/DIL/fill in the blank; she's just the low-calibre girl he married. She doesn't matter.'

You would be hurt -- and rightfully so -- and that is what you're doing to this woman.

If you and your FI are old enough to get married, you are old enough to behave respectfully toward the woman your FIL loved enough to marry.

ETA: Fix typo.
While I think OP needs to back off on the dress issue and whatnot, I think your comment about her poor grammar causing this woman to drink is horrible and insensitive. I get that you are going for snarky, but instead it is irresponsible and nasty. I'm really surprised that nobody else addressed this.

Actually, the first part was entirely serious. If I had to routinely interact with someone as bitchy and judgemental as the OP, I would also drink to cope. The grammar comment was facetious.

And the rest of my advice stands.
I take no issue with the rest of your advice. It sounds from OP's posts that the father's wife has a legitimate drinking problem. To blame that on OP is wrong.

I respectfully disagree. The only instances the OP cites are stories of this woman being around OP and drinking too much. She doesn't proffer an example of the FSMIL drinking to excess and OP not being there. Therefore, my conclusion, which could be erroneous, still has logical validity.

s-aries8990 · November 2013

Nhollick1 said:

Although I have no problem accepting advice I feel a lot of it is misguided and jumps to conclusions. First off she drank heavily from the day they got together. To say I make her drink is rude snarky and not even worthy of posting on a forum soliciting advice. I think that it is a valid point to make sure she is included in things and feels a part. Again many posters were quick I judge me as a evil bitch who wants to ostracize this woman. She is included in events, her and I text and email wedding stuff.

Well, if you don't want her to get all warm and fuzzy with you and FI, don't include her. She feels a part of the events, so either LET HER, or DON'T.

The whole point which I'm sure again people will miss is she is NOT malicious but rather has no tact. To 90 % of the population drinking to the point of stumbling and making inappropriate and rude comments would start to make you lose trust. The bottom line is I don't trust that she won't insult my family or other guests with the embarrassing behavior or rude comments. I know that technically her behavior isn't a reflection of me but would anyone want to be around that.

If this is such a problem, hire security and a trustworthy bartender. Give them the authority to shut off anyone they feel the need to.

As far as the dress obviously I would never insult her and tell we what to wear but c'mon I showed the dress to coworkers who all said that's a bridesmaids dress. All I'm doing is expressing frustration that she would pick something so similar to what my maids will wear

If she looks like she's trying to be in the wedding, she'll look like a jerk. Plain and simple.

especially since she made such a big deal about not being in the wedding. As far as everyone here' making the giant leap to me being such a evil bitch I'll leave you with this example of the rude comments. Upon learning next year my family and I will be going on a European vacation she later asked how will my aunt and grandma financially afford that and why are they so out of touch with reality to think they can even swing a trip like that.

This is one of those situations where you just change the subject, and if she presses it tell her it's none of her business.
Wife: "Oh, how can your family afford a European vacation??"
You: "Oh hahaha. Did you watch the AMA's last night? Miley's outfit was crazy!" Wife:"they are so out of touch! How can they pay??"
You: "And that cat singing behind her? It even cried!"
Wife: "Answer me! How can they afford to pay?"
You: "It's not my business what they do with their money, and it certainly isn't yours. NOW, BACK to the AMA's! Justin Timberlake is a hunk!"

So if that's not rude and snarky and something totally not her business I don't know what is. It's comments like that that offend people.

NavyBlue143 · November 2013

I just looked at our family wedding photo, and other than H and I, and my mom who wore silver, NOBODY coordinates. There's shades of blue, khaki, pink, tan, and ivory. For a red and black wedding. Funny enough, I never noticed, nor do I care. Everybody looks happy, and thus the picture looks great. Stop sweating what anybody wears. It. Won't. Matter.

MNVegas · November 2013

For some reason I am stuck in a box but anyhoo. I think it is interesting how the FI's stepmother went from being "a bit of a drunkard" and "harmless and for the most part a decent person" to a raging, stumbling, loudmouth drunk who is constantly embarasing herself and does not even know how to dress herself. Odd how this woman gets worse and worse the more people point out to OP that she should leave things alone and let her FI handle it.

mysticl · November 2013

JordanF13 said:

mysticl said:

JordanF13 said:

Legally, the only way FIL's wife would be your FI's Step Mother would be if she adopted him. Since she didn't technically she is only FI's father's wife.

If you and your FI aren't interested in having her in your daily lives your FI should man up and be honest. Let her know 1)It makes him uncomfortable when she refers to herself as "the mother of the groom" and to cease saying that and 2) he doesn't care to work on having a relationship with her.

We can easily sense the contempt in your postings but the least you both could do is be fully honest with her so she can work on herself and get over trying to have a deeper connection with her husband's son and future daughter-in-law.

No, if she had adopted him then she would legally be his mother and a new birth certificate would have been issued with her name listed as his mother. By law his birth mother would no longer be considered his mother.

Per Websters: Step-mother is the wife of one's father, who is not the mother of the person spoken of.

Muggle is also in the dictionary which is a made up word, doesn't mean it's an actual word so the definition of Step-mother in the dictionary is irrelevant.

She is FI's father's wife, not his stepmother. A marriage does not dictate the relationships of other people. If he chooses not to acknowledge her as such then that's his decision. By this stupid "rule" my H has had well over a dozen "stepmothers" thanks to his piece-of-shit father using them like tissues.

If it is in the dictionary then it has become an official word, however, I just typed "muggle" into two online dictionary sites and it didn't come up. The definition of words in the dictionary is absolutely relevant. That is how we know what they mean.

She is the man's step-mother. Step-mother has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between them other than the fact that she is married to his father. That is all it means. It has nothing to do if with he loves her or hates her. If he chooses to introduce her as his father's wife that's fine, but getting upset over her being referred to as his step-mother is ridiculous. Now I do understand if he does not want her or anyone else to refer to her as his mother, because she is not his mother. In which case he can address that with people as it comes up. I love my step-father, however, he is not my father and I do correct people if they refer to him as such.

Weesh · November 2013

I was somewhat on your side until you mentioned coordinating outfits. Now, I just feel bad for the people attending your wedding who aren't coordinated.

My mom purchased a beautiful long blue dress. My bridesmaids are wearing blue. Who cares? They are all wearing dresses they love, can afford, and feel beautiful in. Who cares what she wears?

smalfrie19 · November 2013

nicholehollick@hotmail.com said:

T.

so you made a new acct with your email address as the username so people can find you on the internet easier?!?

cidefi · November 2013

I hope I understand where you're coming from OP. She feels like she has some instant spot because she is the FSMIL, but for you and your FI she really doesn't. Your FI's mother is deceased, so no-one is really filling that spot. I hope that's what you're saying.

I have a stepmother too. I love her and we get along, however she gets no special treatment in my wedding as a step-parent. Her name isn't on anything, she's not walking done the aisle. I'm not getting her any "mothers of" gifts, and I don't want and have asked her not to wear certain colors because we have asked the "mothers of" to wear a certain color. She will sit on the family row during the ceremony and at the family table because she is my father's wife, but that's it. No speeches, her kids if they choose to come, will have a regular table just like the other guest. Now my mother is alive and is particapating, but I would feel this same way if she were gone. My father has been married to this woman for 25 years. Being a "step" doesn't give a person an automatic in.

Since you know the family dynamic is strained at best, I would together with the FI (a united front) go and have a talk with his father and his wife. I would let your FI talk and be the 1 to express you alls concern and rules (like no outside booze). I would let the wife know exactly what her role would be in the wedding (of any). What is required of her, and what you desired from her (if anything). If they have a problem with that, then I would let them know that the option of not coming is always on the table too.

I hope you and FI work it out. Good luck.

jennbelden · November 2013

Nhollick1 I Know you are getting a lot of responses but I thought perhaps honoring your FIs mother might be nice based on what you have put on here. I have never seen it in person but having maybe a picture of her up or something that acknowledges people who have passed...I have seen a sign that says "we know you would be here today if heaven weren't so far away".

In terms of worrying about her drinking and saying something, I too have this concern with my mother actually. I have heard people on other posts suggest giving the bartender their pictures and requesting they not allow them too much in order to avoid them being overly intoxicated.

I have a rather mixed family as well (mom on her third husband, dad remarried but step dad not etc) and am trying to manage including people but at the same time honoring those with whom I have developed deeper relationships so good luck to you and hopefully you can figure this out

ei34 · November 2013

I had a somewhat similar situation OP. My hubby's mom passed away before he was 2, he doesn't even remember her, but he's not close with his stepmother. She's not a terrible person but his father really changed when he remarried, becoming very negligent of my hubby and his siblings who ranged in age from 7 to 13 at the time, and some of it was due to the stepmother's insistence.

Leading up to our wedding, step-MIL would constantly text me pictures of herself in different MOG dresses and ask for my opinion, and even though I didn't care what anyone wore, I tried to give her the time of day. Hubby agreed to his father and stepmother walking down the aisle at church, it's his father's wife after all. Hubby did draw the line at a mother/son dance, and I supported his decision 100%. It's important that your husband feel comfortable on what should be his happiest day, so a touch of compromise (FIL and step-MIL walking down the aisle) mixed with putting a foot down (no mother/son dance) is probably your best bet.

^I'd like to add that my in-laws didn't contribute a dime to our wedding. We did our best to respect their wishes and requests simply because they're the parents of the groom. I'm only mentioning this because you'd mentioned something about they aren't hosting any part of the wedding...

ceceibson · December 2013

When I married DH, his children were 41, 40, 35 and 33. They refer to me as their "othermother" simply because they don't like the word "stepmother" as they think it has negative connotations [as in "wicked stepmother"]. Their mother and my DH divorced years ago. It was, as I understand it, somewhat acrimonious at the time and of course difficult for the children.

But, because they are all adults, they have all moved beyond it. In fact, DH's ex-wife and her husband were guests at our wedding. Together, they and DH and I share 6 children and 6 grandchildren. My children look to DH's ex-wife as a maternal figure in many ways.

OP, you need to let go of these issues regarding your FH's father's wife, whatever you and he call her [or don't call her]. Who she is and what she does is absolutely none of your business. She is a grown woman, your FFIL is a grown man and what they do and with whom they do it is simply none of your concern.

As far as what people wear and your expectations of your wedding photos, ICK. That's about all I can say. Our children and grandchildren asked what to wear for our wedding and I suggested flowers or purple, since we got married at an outdoor garden and my MOH [my daughter] was wearing a purple dress and my DH and his BM purple Hawaiian shirts.

If any of them had shown up in white or sequins or hooker dresses, I wouldn't have noticed and wouldn't have cared. Like everything else in life, what grown men and women choose to wear is absolutely none of my business.

SP29 · December 2013

OP, I can understand your FI's thoughts in not viewing FMIL as a mother figure. My parents also separated when I was an adult. They are now both dating people whom it is possible they would marry in the future. I like both of these people, but they will never be my "parents". At my wedding in January, they will sit with my parents at the ceremony and reception, but otherwise get no special treatment. I can also see that FMIL creates some drama for you, but I think you are letting the drama take you over. Step away from it.

If your FI truly has an issue with her calling herself "Mother of the Groom", then that is an issue he needs to bring up with her and his father. If she refers to herself as that in front you of, you do not need to make a scene, but do not validate it. If she says, "I'm looking MOG dresses, what do you think?" You can simply respond, "Wear whatever you are most comfortable in". Only if she outright says something ridiculous, "Well I should also be walking FI down the aisle because I'm his mother!" would I think it appropriate for you to address the issue head on, otherwise, leave it be. It doesn't sound like she's trying to push herself in any other way.

As for her attire- that is entirely her decision. It is not up to you to tell anyone what to wear, nor for you to decide what is appropriate for an older woman to wear. I think the dress is lovely. Maybe she did specifically pick it out from the bridesmaid section- so what? Maybe she thought it was a pretty dress (I do), she feels comfortable in it, and maybe it was a good price point. Seriously, it's a dress. In fact, because dresses are so expensive, I suggested to my mom to check out the bridesmaid dresses at Davids as an option for her, because they are pretty reasonably priced. She didn't end up buying from there. All I know is that my mother and FMIL are both wearing purple dresses- I don't actually know what either looks like- doesn't matter.

As for the other issues- I agree that it seems FMIL is very blunt and doesn't have the most tact. Unfortunately you can only ignore it. She's not going to change, and she IS part of the family. If she brings up uncomfortable topics, or questions you don't want to answer, bean dip her. Heck, my grandma, whom I love to pieces, sometimes says/asks things you shouldn't say to/ask of someone you just met. Embarrasses me a bit, sure, but it's not a reflection of myself. If those questions are asked of me personally, I brush it off.

Deep breath... let it go! At the end of the day you and FI will be married. Stick with your current plans and everything will work out fine.

monkeysip · December 2013

Is this real life?

I'm still stuck on the person who said that you don't become someone's stepmother unless you legally adopt them *headdesk*

OP, let FI deal with this, and drop it. The only legitimate concern I see here is that FI doesn't want her calling herself the mother of the groom. I think that's fine, but he needs to voice that concern. That's it. All this other stuff is just a bunch of BS.

FIL wife who thinks she can replace grooms deceased mom

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