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Elderly Guest that may not "Make It"

My maternal grandmother has lived with my family for almost twenty years, and is essentially a third parent to me. She has gotten progressively worse over the past two years (she's almost 92), physically, mentally, and emotionally. She can't cross a room without a walker and the assistance of another and refuses to leave the house, is forgetful and hard of hearing, and can be downright mean to my mother, my sister and I (mostly weight issues, although none of us are overweight). I live in a different city and am planning on having my wedding here in about 10 months time. It was brought up over the holidays where I would get married, and my aunt seemed appalled that I would have it out of town, bringing up my grandmother. What I didn't want to say was that 1) I don't expect my grandmother to live long enough to see my wedding and 2) don't want to have my wedding at the church where we recently had the funeral mass for my father. Should I change my plans and have it in my hometown, and if not, what is a tactful way to explain my reasoning?
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Re: Elderly Guest that may not "Make It"

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    No, you do not need to change your plans just for this one guest, even if it is your grandmother. If she is that bad, it would likely be equally difficult for her to get to a local wedding as well. I say this b/c my grandfather was 91 and in the same state of decline when he passed away last year. Just going to a restaurant for dinner was difficult for him.  I would just say you find it easier to plan a wedding in the city you currently live. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    You should have your wedding in the place that gives you the results you want.  If you want a chance that grandma can attend (you don't know how long she has) then you choose a place she can get to.  If you want the location you have, then choose it.

    Did you grow up in the church where your father's funeral was held?  Does it hold special importance to your family?  To you?

    Decide what your priorities are but I am just hoping that grandma isn't paying a price here ONLY so you can avoid  the church where your dad's funeral was held.

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    kmmssg said:

    Decide what your priorities are but I am just hoping that grandma isn't paying a price here ONLY so you can avoid  the church where your dad's funeral was held.

    Ditto this in addition to my first response. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    No I don't think you should change your plans.  You and your FI need to plan a wedding that works best for you and the majority of your guests rather then planning it around one persons needs.

    At the time of my wedding my Grandmother was 91.  She is luckily still very mobile but H and I certainly did not have our wedding in Florida where she lives just so she could easily make it.  We had it in our hometown where we wanted it and would be easiest for the majority of our guests.  My Grandmother was able to make it but if she hadn't I am sure my Dad (her son) would have been disappointed but in the end there is really nothing you can do about it.

    Do not feel pressure from relatives to change your plans.  Just like your wedding isn't all about you and your FI, your wedding is also not all about your Grandmother.

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    edited January 2014
    My maternal grandmother has lived with my family for almost twenty years, and is essentially a third parent to me. She has gotten progressively worse over the past two years (she's almost 92), physically, mentally, and emotionally. She can't cross a room without a walker and the assistance of another and refuses to leave the house, is forgetful and hard of hearing, and can be downright mean to my mother, my sister and I (mostly weight issues, although none of us are overweight). I live in a different city and am planning on having my wedding here in about 10 months time. It was brought up over the holidays where I would get married, and my aunt seemed appalled that I would have it out of town, bringing up my grandmother. What I didn't want to say was that 1) I don't expect my grandmother to live long enough to see my wedding and 2) don't want to have my wedding at the church where we recently had the funeral mass for my father. Should I change my plans and have it in my hometown, and if not, what is a tactful way to explain my reasoning?
    Nope -  Keep your plans and proceed.

    Just say: 
    It is important to us that we get married where we live and where we have made our life together. We realize everyone will not be able to attend, but that would be the case no matter where we chose to marry. We all miss them and think of them fondly that day and know they will hold well wishes in their hearts even though we are far apart.

    Or something like that. Don't even factor in the other stuff- you don't owe anyone an explanation. But if you give them one to the effect I suggested, they can't really argue or be offended - or at least they have no right to be. 
    Saying gram might not live that long, would be offensive to many :-p

    GL!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    @alexaF2014 how far is the church from your hometown?  I think it's hard not to think about it in the back of your mind when you are really close with your grandmother...I am very close with mine and she has severe Alzheimer's/Dementia - which requires 24/7 watch on her.  We made the really tough decision for her not to attend the wedding but to be in the family photos before the whole wedding...not sure if that is an option for you...
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    You don't need to change your plans for one guest, and it sounds like in the state she's in, attending anything will be difficult for her, even if it is closer- she won't even leave her house so unless your aunt is suggesting you have the entire wedding in your grandma's house, there is no way it's going to be easy for your grandmother to come.  
    If she is still alive and she wants to attend when your wedding comes, I'm sure there are people who are going to be able to help her.  Given her health I'd have to assume she either has a family member living with her to take care of her or someone being paid to care for her.  
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    edited January 2014
    I am currently having to make this decision with my paternal grandparents, who live 8+ hours drive from me and are both in very poor health.

    I could have planned a wedding close to them, to up the chances that they could be there. But ultimately, making the majority of my guests comfortable and hosting them well in a place that I knew was my priority. If my paternal grandparents cannot be at my wedding, I will miss them and send a card to let them know I am thinking of them, then go on with the wedding as planned.

    I know this is hard, because you love your grandmother very much. But it is not your responsibility to plan your wedding specifically for her convenience. I like PP's idea of including her in some pictures day-of if you can get to her house but she can't come to you.

    ETA: If the Alzheimer's is bad enough, it can be a problem. I would probably cry if, on my wedding day, Grandpa James couldn't remember who I was and why he was in a church full of strangers. At that point I'd rather him not be there, because he isn't experiencing celebrating the wedding of his granddaughter, he is experiencing the wedding of a stranger.
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    My 94-year-old grandmother caused me the same types of concerns when planning my wedding. At one point she seemed extremely angry about the fact that I was planning my wedding in my own hometown as oppossed to where she lives. It was an email that still haunts me to this day.

    I ended up staying with my original plans. She flew to town to attend the wedding, despite her threats. She had a great time and stayed at the party until 10pm.

    I think you should just stick with what you had already planned.  

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    No.  Don't change your plans. 

    We are having our wedding about 170 miles away from where my family is and where I grew up.  My great aunt is 101 and thrilled that we are getting married.  She has been like a grandmother to me.  And I know that she wants to come to the wedding but will be unable to do so because it is so far away and her health is not that great (well, for 101, she's doing wonderfully, but still can't handle travel anymore).  We didn't change our plans because of that. We are, of course, sending her an invitation, even though she won't be able to come. The next time I am home after the wedding, I am going to go see her, bring my dress for her to see (I'll even try it on for her if she wants), and bring our photo proofs on my laptop for her to look at.  I may even snag a piece of wedding cake, freeze it, and bring it up for her because she loves sweets.  I have a friend who has Google Glass who has also offered to "video" our wedding ceremony and live broadcast it on a private website so that my aunt can watch from her home if she wants - not yet sure we will do that though.

    Bottom line is, there is no way that you can perfectly accommodate every person you want to invite.  Chances are, some people will not be able to attend (and in your case, it sounds like you don't have too many problems with your grandmother not coming but your family does).  Regarding wedding logistics, make the decisions that are right for you and your fiance, while doing your best to accommodate all the people you and your fiance consider VIPs.
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    Don't change your plans unless you want to. You have to prioritize what you want.
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    You all have been really helpful, and I'm really relieved to hear how many of you have gone through the same thing and had it come out alright. A few specifics:

    "The Church" is in my hometown, where my sister and I went to Catholic school K-8. We've had all our sacraments there, though it's really not a big deal to me if I had my wedding anywhere else.

    If my dad was still alive, I would still not be particularly attached to having my wedding there, although my mother might be. As it is, I can't imagine walking down the aisle without my dad, down the same aisle they carried his casket. It's really, really hard.

    My mom is really understanding and supports my decision to have my wedding in the city.

    There are other Catholic churches near my hometown (to avoid the funeral memory), and I have looked into it, but they all require one of the couple to be registered at that parish for at least a year prior to the ceremony.

    I also graduate from college last year, and Grandma couldn't/wouldn't make the shorter trip to see that, although 2 years prior she attended older sister's out of town graduation. She is very religious, but hasn't attended mass (not even the required holy days) for almost a year and a half at the same church extended family wants me married at. Also, extended family lives in towns surrounding my hometown... am I skeptical to think they're partially motivated by not wanting to travel?

    @Inkdancer and @carynNchan you probably understand what I mean when I say that I want my grandmother at my wedding, but she's not my grandmother anymore. I love her dearly, even when she is hurtful, and even as she is now I want her to see me at my wedding, but I also so worried about how she will be physically/mentally, if she does come.

    Thank you all again, just having someone outside the situation to talk to has given me a lot of perspective.
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    Wishing you luck. This is a really tough thing.

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    No you do not have to change your plans.  However, have you thought about who will watch grandma while mom, aunts and everyone else is OOT for your wedding?    


    DH's grandma lived with MIL and she was bad off and could not come to our OOT wedding.  Not that we would have changed our minds, but it was indeed difficult for MIL to find someone to watch grandma because the whole family was at our wedding.  The stress also caused MIL to come down late on Friday and leave first thing Sunday to get back to grandma.

    I'm not saying to change your plans.  Just pointing out that Aunts motives might be more "what are we going to do with grandma if everyone is also OOT"?  Course aunt just might be the complainer and party popper every family seems to have.

    GL






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    Good luck!

    FI & I had to postpone our out-of-state wedding and two months later my grandmother had a stroke and never fully recovered.  I had always assumed she'd be around for my wedding and had hoped to have my bridal portraits & luncheon in her yard surrounded by her lovely gardens she was so proud of.  I would still like her with us on our wedding day, but even if we were to have our wedding in the city where she lives it all might still be too much for her to handle in one day.  I've considered still hosting a maids' luncheon in that city so she can attend instead.  (It would be convenient for others too, not just her.)   We can then visit her afterwards with photos and a piece of cake (she loves cake!)
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    lyndausvi said:
    However, have you thought about who will watch grandma while mom, aunts and everyone else is OOT for your wedding?    

    We are very fortunate that we hired a full-time caretaker (not family) to help take care of my grandmother. She is wonderful and trustworthy, and pushes my mom to take care of herself and not just grandma. The word "God-sent" come to mind. The aunt in question actually recommended her, as she took care of aunt's mother for about a year when she became ill, so the family knows she'll be taken care of.

    The issue still is that, IMO, grandma will have a seat in heaven for my wedding. There are no "odds" for this, no doctors saying she won't make it, but it's a gut feeling that's I've come to accept, though not everyone else in the family has.
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    That's good.  MIL was not that lucky.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    This is a little off topic but might be helpful to those planning.

    I recently looked at a venue that had webcams set up in the ceremony space, cocktail area and reception ballroom. It was included with the venue, and the video was posted live on their website.

    I thought this was a really neat idea for those who are out of town and couldn't travel. Even if the venue doesn't have one set up, I'm sure it's something that could be added. This might not appease your family in this situation, but something to think about. 

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    We get a lot of brides who talk about Skyping their ceremony.  Honestly I hadn't considered it for my own grandmother.  My aunt gave her an ipad, so perhaps I'll talk to the caretaker who will be with her that day about it when the time gets closer.  I have a sister who lives overseas as well, so that would be perfect if she wanted to "attend" but couldn't make it back to the states for the ceremony.  My stepmother and I both have tablets, so I'm sure between the two of us we could figure something out.  I just hate to *ask* someone to have a task during the ceremony, even if it is Skype-monitor.  I was considering hiring some people for some basic DO tasks anyways, maybe I'll just add that to the list.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    Go ahead and plan your wedding as you see fit.  You are not required to plan it around the presence or absence of your grandmother.  I like the idea of the webcams though.

    If your aunt brings it up again, you can either bean-dip her or tell her that the subject is closed (I myself would do one of these), or let her know that your grandmother's participation or not is only one factor in your choice of venue.
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