Pre-marital Counseling

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

Anyone do this within the Christian church? What types of questions did they ask you?

Did they ask you to abstain from sex until your marriage?

netskyblue2 · January 2014

For my first marriage, the minister administered the Briggs Meyer personality test to us, and used that to guide us through areas of potential incompatibility. That was all he did. (The test was right, we didn't work out.)

manateehugger · January 2014

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

PDKH said:

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

Gotcha, we were thinking of asking my uncle but I would feel awkward discussing sex with him.

saacjw · January 2014

PDKH said:

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

Yup, this. It will totally depend on which church and which pastor.

To answer OP as well as I can, ours used the Catholic premarital questions with some tweaks to fit our denomination (Episcopalian). It was a lot of figuring out how compatible we were, if we had discussed things like money, kids, etc, where we wanted to be in 5 years, and a lot of stuff like that. The questions were largely things that I felt a couple should have discussed before even getting engaged. It was a more in depth version of this- http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/marriage-prep-homework.htm, minus the Natural Family Planning and replace Catholic with more general Christian terms. Our priest used the time to get the feel for our personalities and how we interacted with each other too.

We were not asked to abstain from sex, but I have heard of some churches requiring it. My church is more liberal and we were already living together, so it wasn't a huge concern for our priest.

manateehugger · January 2014

blueeyes90 said:

PDKH said:

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

Gotcha, we were thinking of asking my uncle but I would feel awkward discussing sex with him.

I wouldn't ask a family member to conduct pre-marital counseling regardless. There's too much personal knowledge and investment there.

My sister and BIL were married by BIL's father. They simply got recommendations for a counselor that could do a couple sessions with them. Why not see if you can find a licensed Christian counselor near you? Just make sure you ask your church what requirements they may have to be married there.

FYI (well done) pre-marital counseling is a lot more than just talking about sex (or at least it should be). We're getting married by a relatively conservative church, but during our workshop, the only sex-related talk we had was how we viewed the role of sex in a healthy marriage. It was much more focused on financials, communication, role of religion, raising children, etc.

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

PDKH said:

blueeyes90 said:

PDKH said:

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

Gotcha, we were thinking of asking my uncle but I would feel awkward discussing sex with him.

I wouldn't ask a family member to conduct pre-marital counseling regardless. There's too much personal knowledge and investment there.

My sister and BIL were married by BIL's father. They simply got recommendations for a counselor that could do a couple sessions with them. Why not see if you can find a licensed Christian counselor near you? Just make sure you ask your church what requirements they may have to be married there.

FYI (well done) pre-marital counseling is a lot more than just talking about sex (or at least it should be). We're getting married by a relatively conservative church, but during our workshop, the only sex-related talk we had was how we viewed the role of sex in a healthy marriage. It was much more focused on financials, communication, role of religion, raising children, etc.

That makes sense. I'm not worried about the other stuff, we have talked about it all before. (I took a marriage and family class at school which prompted most of these discussions). I'll have to talk to my uncle and see what he recommends.

Jen4948 · January 2014

PDKH said:

blueeyes90 said:

PDKH said:

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

Gotcha, we were thinking of asking my uncle but I would feel awkward discussing sex with him.

I wouldn't ask a family member to conduct pre-marital counseling regardless. There's too much personal knowledge and investment there.

My sister and BIL were married by BIL's father. They simply got recommendations for a counselor that could do a couple sessions with them. Why not see if you can find a licensed Christian counselor near you? Just make sure you ask your church what requirements they may have to be married there.

FYI (well done) pre-marital counseling is a lot more than just talking about sex (or at least it should be). We're getting married by a relatively conservative church, but during our workshop, the only sex-related talk we had was how we viewed the role of sex in a healthy marriage. It was much more focused on financials, communication, role of religion, raising children, etc.

Sounds like you were pretty lucky then. Some churches with very strict views on sex, or at least their clergy, have been known to make participants in pre-marital counseling make all kinds of disclosures and promises about sex in order to ensure that they are conforming to the views of the church in question. On the one hand, it's not really unreasonable of the clergy to want to enforce the church's teachings, but on the other, it can be really intrusive for the couple to be asked about it and have demands made regarding it by a third party.

manateehugger · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

PDKH said:

blueeyes90 said:

PDKH said:

What your pre-marital counseling will look like will entirely depend on the denomination you are going through and probably on the the pastor at the church.

Gotcha, we were thinking of asking my uncle but I would feel awkward discussing sex with him.

I wouldn't ask a family member to conduct pre-marital counseling regardless. There's too much personal knowledge and investment there.

My sister and BIL were married by BIL's father. They simply got recommendations for a counselor that could do a couple sessions with them. Why not see if you can find a licensed Christian counselor near you? Just make sure you ask your church what requirements they may have to be married there.

FYI (well done) pre-marital counseling is a lot more than just talking about sex (or at least it should be). We're getting married by a relatively conservative church, but during our workshop, the only sex-related talk we had was how we viewed the role of sex in a healthy marriage. It was much more focused on financials, communication, role of religion, raising children, etc.

Sounds like you were pretty lucky then. Some churches with very strict views on sex, or at least their clergy, have been known to make participants in pre-marital counseling make all kinds of disclosures and promises about sex in order to ensure that they are conforming to the views of the church in question. On the one hand, it's not really unreasonable of the clergy to want to enforce the church's teachings, but on the other, it can be really intrusive for the couple to be asked about it and have demands made regarding it by a third party.

I actually am not sure that I am "lucky," but I think our pastors were more concerned about the success of our impending marriage than our sexual activity. Sin is sin, whether it's sexual or not. Focusing purely on sexual sin isn't very productive.

rnirl2014 · January 2014

I went to a first pre-marital counseling session and never went back. The pastor was the pastor from my former church. He said he would only marry us if he saw us fit for marriage in his mind. He asked us if we slept together (which, to me, is none of his business). I said that we shared a bed. He asked us to sleep in separate bedrooms, even though we live together. He compared my fiance loving me to loving pizza. He called my fiance selfish to his face. He asked my fiance why he wanted to marry me and my fiance gave a BEAUTIFUL answer, so beautiful I almost cried! My pastor looked him in the face and said, "You're selfish." I was horrified! This was someone I had known for years and he just called the love of my life selfish! We walked out and never went back!

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

rnirl2014 said:

I went to a first pre-marital counseling session and never went back. The pastor was the pastor from my former church. He said he would only marry us if he saw us fit for marriage in his mind. He asked us if we slept together (which, to me, is none of his business). I said that we shared a bed. He asked us to sleep in separate bedrooms, even though we live together. He compared my fiance loving me to loving pizza. He called my fiance selfish to his face. He asked my fiance why he wanted to marry me and my fiance gave a BEAUTIFUL answer, so beautiful I almost cried! My pastor looked him in the face and said, "You're selfish." I was horrified! This was someone I had known for years and he just called the love of my life selfish! We walked out and never went back!

That sounds awful! Things like this are why I'm very picky about the churches I will attend. My FI has had some very bad experiences with Christianity (think abuse in the name of God), though he still considers himself a Christian and wants to be married by a pastor. He is already uncomfortable talking to people he doesn't know well (he is pretty shy and quiet), so I'm trying to find a way to make this as painless as possible for him.

If something like that happened, I would walk out too. I don't want to be married by someone I don't respect.

lovesclimbing · January 2014

blueeyes90 said:

Anyone do this within the Christian church? What types of questions did they ask you?

Did they ask you to abstain from sex until your marriage?

Our pastor asked all sorts of questions. He based it on Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" and also had us take this survey that was Christian-based that asked questions about all sorts of stuff to see where the two of us lined up, and where we didn't. The questions were about everything - spender or saver, how much debt you each have, how many kids, good or bad at communication. I don't even remember what all.

He did not ask us about sex at all, but he operated on the assumption that we weren't having sex and that we were virgins. We did talk about it but it was about our views of sex. Were we comfortable with sex as in, did we have any big questions about sex (sometimes sex ed can be sorely lacking in the church/Christian families). He encouraged us to be "visually generous" with each other, to each find a person who has been married awhile of the same sex to ask any questions we may have about sex, told H to chill out and be patient and think about the way it feels for me since men tend to "get there" faster. Told us that sex was a good thing, and we shouldn't withhold it from each other. That sort of thing. He didn't dwell on sex for very long.

ETA: clarity

missteea2 · January 2014

I am not currently involved in any church, my fiance and I are being married close to the beach and he is catholic and I am lutheran. How would we find what best suits us.

FYI my fiance not a big fan of pre-marital conseling

manateehugger · January 2014

@misstea2 - if you've got a separate question, it's usually best to start a new thread.

Anyway! Why is your fiance opposed to counseling? Pre-marital counseling is recommended by just about anyone and isn't just for couples having issues or are unsure. It's a way to get to know each other better and help your relationship grow before you take the big step into marriage.

Just start by googling pre-marital counseling in your area (add in Christian if you'd like a Christian counselor). Find one that is affordable, licensed, and well-recommended and set up a session or two.

CMGragain · January 2014

missteea2 said:

I am not currently involved in any church, my fiance and I are being married close to the beach and he is catholic and I am lutheran. How would we find what best suits us.

FYI my fiance not a big fan of pre-marital conseling

If your fiance is Catholic, being married outside of the Catholic church will have consequences for him. Unless he is married in a Catholic church by a priest, he will not be allowed to continue to participate in the mass and accept communion as a Catholic. You do not need to convert to Catholicism to be married in a Catholic ceremony. Many priests will allow another minister (your Lutheran pastor) to co-officiate in the ceremony.
Your fiance needs to understand the consequences of being married outside the Catholic church. This could potentially cause some family trouble, especially if his family is devout.
Pre-Cana counseling is required for Catholic weddings.

smilyaries · February 2014

It depends on the church. We went to a church close to where I live and we were interviewed by a priest. We chose a priest who would conduct the ceremony in both English and spanish. The priest told us that we have to get our precana done in spanish (even though we both wanted to attend the english version). Then, the priest was so rude to us that we did not want to go back there again. My fiance is an active soldier and the priest condemned him for being in the military. Then he insulted us for not speaking spanish to him and said that he is ashamed of us that we speak more english than spanish. Then, he interviewed us individually and I was so nervous that he told me stop being nervous. Then he gave us a list of requirements such as both our parents have to be an active parishioners and he needed to interview the MOH and Best Man. Donations at that church is 1000 dollars plus 100 dollar late fee in case if the BRIDE shows up late to the ceremony. My fiance and I left the church fuming and said that we will not get married there. My mom said that she will call the church and tell the prirst off. My friend recommended a church a little bit further from us but when I contacted the church, they were friendly, and I found out that the priest was the one who baptized me and conducted my 1st communion. I was so thrilled to hear that and scheduled an appt. The priest took our documents and asked obvious questions such as if we were related and told us to schedule the precana class and donation was 300 dollars.

OliveOilsMom · February 2014

smilyaries said:

It depends on the church. We went to a church close to where I live and we were interviewed by a priest. We chose a priest who would conduct the ceremony in both English and spanish. The priest told us that we have to get our precana done in spanish (even though we both wanted to attend the english version). Then, the priest was so rude to us that we did not want to go back there again. My fiance is an active soldier and the priest condemned him for being in the military. Then he insulted us for not speaking spanish to him and said that he is ashamed of us that we speak more english than spanish. Then, he interviewed us individually and I was so nervous that he told me stop being nervous. Then he gave us a list of requirements such as both our parents have to be an active parishioners and he needed to interview the MOH and Best Man. Donations at that church is 1000 dollars plus 100 dollar late fee in case if the BRIDE shows up late to the ceremony. My fiance and I left the church fuming and said that we will not get married there. My mom said that she will call the church and tell the prirst off. My friend recommended a church a little bit further from us but when I contacted the church, they were friendly, and I found out that the priest was the one who baptized me and conducted my 1st communion. I was so thrilled to hear that and scheduled an appt. The priest took our documents and asked obvious questions such as if we were related and told us to schedule the precana class and donation was 300 dollars.

I was about to tell you to get to a different church, but I'm glad to ready ou have already done that! I don't know, but it seems like some priests are sticklers for very old school rules. I've heard before that the MOH and BM used to have to be Catholic, but thankfully that has fallen by the wayside.

I'm gald you found your childhood priest who gave you your other sacraments to give you this one as well! The priest who married H & I was also my religion teacher for 2 years in high school. I loved having that connection to the person who was overseeing my marriage sacrament.

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