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I can't decide if I should be furious or hurt.

This past Sunday was my boss's shower, which I agreed to go to since I will not be attending her wedding. The shower was lovely, hosted by her mom, and I even met up with my boss early to do her makeup for her. At the shower, champagne, red, and white wine were hosted and there was a cash bar. I had one paid for glass of wine, the rest of what I drank was the hosted stuff. All the girls from work had a blast--there was a DJ, there were lights, my boss's cousin greeted us all upon arrival totally blasted--it was a fun few hours.

Today, my co-worker told me that our boss asked her if I was drunk at the shower. She told her "not anymore than the rest of us?" to which my boss replied "She was only drinking that much because it was free."

I'm fucking fuming right now. My boss knows my financial situation, she sees my paycheck every other week and she knows that I don't have much spending money after I pay bills. She was essentially say, "JellyBean's only drinking because she's broke and doesn't have to pay for it herself." For her to sit there and pass judgment on me for indulging in the hosted beverages, let alone behind my back to a co-worker while at work, is the rudest and most unprofessional shit I've ever heard. Plus, I'm just very hurt because I came to her a while back as a friend and told her that if I didn't have a raise, I would have to move back to NY because a very extreme set of circumstances occurred that jeopardized my living situation. She advocated for me to get the raise to the owner, because it was worth it to keep me there. I'm confused as to what she really thinks of me. My co-worker is begging me not to say anything, but I don't know if I can keep quiet about this. I prefer not to be the subject of ridicule while at work.
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Re: I can't decide if I should be furious or hurt.

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    I understand that you're angry, but you could put your co-worker in a really bad position if you say something.
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    You should be furious.
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    larrygagalarrygaga member
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    edited April 2014
    I almost wonder if she breached any confidentiality agreements with that comment to your co-worker. It's borderline, you need to look into that. I am a social worker, so I know all about confidentiality rules and they are very binding. Does she have a boss above her? Be furious!

    Even if it didn't break any rules, she still was extremely unprofessional. 
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    I'd be looking for another job for sure. Not cool at all.
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    Is there HR to report her to? Be furious. Unfortunately you're between a rock and a hard place. You crossed professional lines to attend a shower, a personal event, and she attacked your character in a personal setting.  I don't think there's much HR could do. 

    If there's no impartial advocate at the office, keep quiet, work your butt off so there is no fault-finding with the quality of your work, and don't talk about social stuff unless directly asked.

    I have conversations with my boss like, "Oh, the ballet this weekend was just amazing!" and what I don't share is how many glasses of champagne I downed beforehand and during intermission.  

    Ugh, hugs. How awful.  
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    edited April 2014
    You should be absolutely livid. I'm livid for you. And I don't think you should be scared to go to HR... how unbelievably unprofessional for her to talk to your coworker about either your financial state or perceived level of intoxication at a social event. On the contrary, HR can help make sure you're protected from any other repercussions at work.

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    This past Sunday was my boss's shower, which I agreed to go to since I will not be attending her wedding. The shower was lovely, hosted by her mom, and I even met up with my boss early to do her makeup for her. At the shower, champagne, red, and white wine were hosted and there was a cash bar. I had one paid for glass of wine, the rest of what I drank was the hosted stuff. All the girls from work had a blast--there was a DJ, there were lights, my boss's cousin greeted us all upon arrival totally blasted--it was a fun few hours.

    Today, my co-worker told me that our boss asked her if I was drunk at the shower. She told her "not anymore than the rest of us?" to which my boss replied "She was only drinking that much because it was free."

    I'm fucking fuming right now. My boss knows my financial situation, she sees my paycheck every other week and she knows that I don't have much spending money after I pay bills. She was essentially say, "JellyBean's only drinking because she's broke and doesn't have to pay for it herself." For her to sit there and pass judgment on me for indulging in the hosted beverages, let alone behind my back to a co-worker while at work, is the rudest and most unprofessional shit I've ever heard. Plus, I'm just very hurt because I came to her a while back as a friend and told her that if I didn't have a raise, I would have to move back to NY because a very extreme set of circumstances occurred that jeopardized my living situation. She advocated for me to get the raise to the owner, because it was worth it to keep me there. I'm confused as to what she really thinks of me. My co-worker is begging me not to say anything, but I don't know if I can keep quiet about this. I prefer not to be the subject of ridicule while at work.
    Wow I'd be pissed.  That was very mean and unprofessional.  If it were me, I would probably say something to her but I'd understand if you couldn't.

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    I agree with PP, you need to find a new job.

    That is completely inappropriate for her to speak to someone else about you in the way she did. Is it possible you can go to HR about it? Even if you just ask for guidance on how to approach her about it. Even though your co-worker will know you told your boss what she said and could make it awkward it's not okay for her to be gossiping about other people like that. It's not like she said you have an ugly shirt on today, she insinuated you drank too much AND have money problems.

    I had a boss like this previous to my job currently. She was really gossipy and talked about her employees like your boss does. Shitty part was she was the HR Director, so not like I could talk to HR about it or anything.

     

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    Oh, if your work has an HR department then I would definitely say something.

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    Honestly, I understand that you are hurt, but I am going to take a step back here and say your boss just made a very thoughtless and rude comment, but didn't intend harm.  Unless she has a pattern of doing this, I would try to let it slide.  Really, what is she saying, that you like free drinks?  Who doesn't?
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    Yeah, if you talk to HR they will help you keep your coworker protected. Chances are, if she's saying that to one co-worker she said it to a few of them, so your boss might not be able to single her out. 
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    phiraphira member
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    If your work has an HR department, I would say something.

    Even if your work has an HR department, but especially if it does not, I would recommend looking for a new job. This is a hostile work environment.
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    I agree with the PPs. You should look for a new job
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    If you have an HR department, I would go to them.  You don't even have to say anything specific from that coworker, just alert them that you have heard she is saying negative, personal things about you and discussing you in a professional setting in a non-professional manner.  Especially if you think there could be professional repercussions from her making judgements based on social interaction and telling others of perceived bad behavior. I would be angry if this had occurred between two friends of mine, the fact that the person spreading this is a coworker and your boss makes me furious for you.
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    I would be extremely angry, and probably hurt too. 

    Just keep in mind that, this is inappropriate on the part of your boss and she should not be treating you this way at work (or speaking of you this way at work to other people). However, there is likely not much that HR can do for you because of the nature of the event (purely social, not a work event, etc.). What I mean is that HR departments are, in many states, not legally allowed to address events/occurrences outside of work that are not work related (if it was a work social event that would be different)--you can probably understand the reasoning behind that, I wouldn't want my employer to be able to address my actions at events I attend or decisions I make in my purely social/personal life.

     That being said, if it is impacting work environment, maybe they can do something or give you guidance on how to talk to your boss about your discomfort. You should not be made to feel uncomfortable and if your boss is making you feel that way, perhaps she needs to be reminded about keeping things professional. You should also consider looking for a new job and never attend a social event with (or hosted by) your boss again. 
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    KaurisKauris member
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    edited April 2014
    I agree with @photokitty. If it's even possible start, quietly looking for new employment, but definitely, cool that "friendship" with your direct boss. 

    And the part about her advocating for your raise, that's her JOB if she wants to keep qualified, competent people working for her. She didn't do that as a personal favor, she did that because you are clearly an asset to the company and her team. Regardless of how many glasses of wine you had. 

    And furthermore, would she have talked about you behind your back if you had bought those drinks instead? From everything you've said, I am thinking yes.

    ETA last two paragraphs.
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    Thanks for all of your support and advice. To answer some of your posts:

    - We do not have an HR department; we're a small, privately-owned business and her mom is the owner.
    - I was not drunk at her shower, nowhere near it. In fact, her mom doesn't even remember saying goodbye to me, and she was over at our table telling another co-worker to "have a few more drinks"
    - The only reason I even went to this shower was because, one day at work, she asked a co-worker if they RSVPed and what their meal choice was. Then she turned to me and goes "Did you RSVP yet? Don't even worry about it, I'll tell my mom, do you want chicken or fish?" I was caught so off-guard, I just gave her my meal choice and decided that I'll just go to the shower to keep workspace peace, since I'm DEFINITELY not going to the wedding.

    I'm nervous about finding another job because I'm trying very hard to go back to law school and she's already agreed to write me a letter of recommendation for next fall. Stopping this job now and trying to start somewhere else is going to make that very difficult. Plus, at our last meeting she told me that my position is going to be elevated as of May 1st and I'm hoping (praying!) that comes with another raise. Since I had to ask for that last raise less than a year ago, I'm not expecting much but I'm hopeful. Raise aside, I'd like to be able to transition back to law school with as much on my resume as possible.

    I guess all I can do at this point is keep in mind that this is just the type of person she is, and to keep her at arm's length. It WILL be tough, as she will ask me "What's up with you??" as soon as I stop chatting with her and being uber-friendly, but I'll just try to play it off as best I can. It just kills me that she took such a personal dig at me; unless she's judging every single shower guest who drank that free alcohol, she's obviously just trying to pick on me.

    Side note: I got her wedding invite when I came home. It was very gratifying to put a big fat check mark on the "Will Not Attend" line
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    So I'm just going to throw this out there, but maybe she is hurt that you aren't going to her wedding or something along those lines? Either way, she shouldn't have bad mouthed you like that...
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    KGold80 said:
    So I'm just going to throw this out there, but maybe she is hurt that you aren't going to her wedding or something along those lines? Either way, she shouldn't have bad mouthed you like that...
    She doesn't even know I've decided not to attend. That was my bridge to cross when she got my RSVP, and whether or not she asks me why (the reason is because I wasn't invited with my SO of two years, who she has met many times). Also, she doesn't really have feelings to be hurt. She is the type of person who will wait until someone is out of earshot and then say something nasty about them. I guess I'm naive to think she'd never talk about me that way, since I'm not a client or a random person but an employee who she seems to be close with. 
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    KGold80 said:

    So I'm just going to throw this out there, but maybe she is hurt that you aren't going to her wedding or something along those lines? Either way, she shouldn't have bad mouthed you like that...

    She doesn't even know I've decided not to attend. That was my bridge to cross when she got my RSVP, and whether or not she asks me why (the reason is because I wasn't invited with my SO of two years, who she has met many times). Also, she doesn't really have feelings to be hurt. She is the type of person who will wait until someone is out of earshot and then say something nasty about them. I guess I'm naive to think she'd never talk about me that way, since I'm not a client or a random person but an employee who she seems to be close with. 

    Oh, I see...well, if that is the kind of person she is I guess you should keep her at arm's length. I'm really sorry that happened.
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    SP29SP29 member
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    I'd be furious.

    Not only was her comment rude, but what bothers me the most is her lack of professionalism. I think it's fine that you crossed the line and attended something personal, but any "issues" she may have with you should have remained on that personal side. If she really had a problem she should have met up with your privately, away from work. 
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    lolo883 said:
    You should be absolutely livid. I'm livid for you. And I don't think you should be scared to go to HR... how unbelievably unprofessional for her to talk to your coworker about either your financial state or perceived level of intoxication at a social event. On the contrary, HR can help make sure you're protected from any other repercussions at work.
    Not necessarily.  What HR should do and what they actually do are different things at many companies.  Many times, it is in HR's best interest to back the company and not necessarily to be your advocate.

    I would tread very carefully about going to HR about comments made in reference to non work related activities/events.  And if you are going to go this route, be prepared to seek employment elsewhere.

    Bullshit like this is why blurring the professional/personal line can be tricky and have negative repercussions.  I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Furious.  But unfortunately you can't say anything, because it would put your coworker in hot water if it got out that SHE was the one who told you.  

    And I think it is exceptionally bitchy to snark on you for the money SHE pays you- Seriously, making fun of you because she doesn't pay you much?  What a nasty person, not to mention isn't she kinda calling herself a cheapskate for paying you so little? (Just echoing her opinion, I personally have no clue, and no opinion regarding how much you actually make)  

    There is absolutely nothing professional about what she did.  I would be just as stunned that she holds onto her job with such a complete lack of professionalism as I would be pissed off.
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    larrygaga said:
    I almost wonder if she breached any confidentiality agreements with that comment to your co-worker. It's borderline, you need to look into that. I am a social worker, so I know all about confidentiality rules and they are very binding. Does she have a boss above her? Be furious!

    Even if it didn't break any rules, she still was extremely unprofessional. 
    So am I.  That confidentiality extends to our clients, not our after hours, personal interactions with co-workers. The company may have a policy about sharing personnel information, so it could be a violation of that if the boss had disclosed OP's salary to the other worker but she didn't.  She made a rude comment about something that happened at a non work function.  It doesn't even automatically mean the OP has money problems.  She could make the same comment about someone who is wealthy.  

    OP my advice is this woman is your boss not your friend.  You need to interact with her in that manner.  Being friends with a supervisor does not go well.  Save being friends for when one of you leaves the company.  
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    lolo883 said:

    You should be absolutely livid. I'm livid for you. And I don't think you should be scared to go to HR... how unbelievably unprofessional for her to talk to your coworker about either your financial state or perceived level of intoxication at a social event. On the contrary, HR can help make sure you're protected from any other repercussions at work.

    Not necessarily.  What HR should do and what they actually do are different things at many companies.  Many times, it is in HR's best interest to back the company and not necessarily to be your advocate.

    I would tread very carefully about going to HR about comments made in reference to non work related activities/events.  And if you are going to go this route, be prepared to seek employment elsewhere.

    Bullshit like this is why blurring the professional/personal line can be tricky and have negative repercussions.  I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.


    That's true. I'm in an industry where that's very blurred to begin with (ad agency, mad men style, beer cart in the office) so it's different.

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