Name Change Reflections

labro · April 2014

To start, my FI and I need to talk about this. We haven't really yet, because I've pretty much indicated I want to change my last name to his after we're married...but I'm having second thoughts. I know this talk comes up on this forum semi-frequently, but it still feels good to just hash it out.

I'm seriously considering either keeping my last name, or hyphenating my name and his. I've always had a strong attachment to my name and I feel like it's a major part of my identity. Plus I just like the way it sounds. His last name is a color. My name plus his last name sound nice together and while I like the idea of it, I have a lot of sad feelings around "losing" my maiden name. I don't want to make my last name my middle name although it's a tradition not unfamiliar to his family. His aunt comes from a cultural tradition where you give your daughter (or maybe just your children in general, I'm not 100% on this) your maiden name as their middle name. So in essence, his cousin has a completely bizarre middle name.

What do you guys think? How did you and your FI handle this? I think my FI will probably be ok with it. I'm not even sure how I want us to be introduced at our reception. Does it sound awkward to have our dj announce us as Mr. HisFirstname HisLastname and Mrs. HerFirstname HerLastname-His Lastname. I feel like if my last name is important enough to me to keep it, then I should probably tell people about it. At the same time I feel really private about this decision and I'd rather tell people on a need to know basis like my parents and his. As far as I know I haven't attented a wedding where the bride kept or hyphenated her last name. If she did, then the name wasn't announced formally at the reception. It's always been Mr. and Mrs. HisName. Sorry for the novel, sometimes it just feels good to talk it out.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Is your FI open to hyphenating yours with his? Could you both be Mr. and Mrs. BrideMaiden-FiSurname?

FWIW, I moved my maiden name to my middle name and took DH's last name as my last name. That's what felt right for me/us.

There is no 'wrong' decision, but I do have to ask -- why do you think this is a private decision? Your REASONS for doing so are certainly none of anyone else's business, but the fact that you have changed or have hyphenated or have not changed or whatever are fair game, publicly, so people know what they're supposed to call you.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

I'm not changing mine. FI and I have talked about it for a while; I think at first it bothered him ("What's in a name anyway?") but when I addressed him one time as FIFirstName MyLastName, he looked really uncomfortable. After that, he got it - to me, my name is really personal, and I'm not comfortable changing. The kids will get his name, and if I'm socially addressed as Mrs. FI'sLastName, I'm not going to get butthurt over it. I do plan on making sure people know I (future perfect) didn't change it, though.

manateehugger · April 2014

I go back and forth on it as well...mostly because my name is unique and has a two thousand year old history. I love the lineage, and my only brother has no children, meaning the name will die on our side. That said, I personally don't view my last name as a huge part of who I am. I'm me no matter what I am called. I'm more dynamic than a name.

Current plan is to move maiden to middle and take FI's name, and be the obnoxious type who uses all three names at all times possible.

I'm also confused by the privacy element you're talking about.

Simky906 · April 2014

I am changing mine, but I don't have a strong attachment to my last name. I am much more attached to my middle name in fact, so I plan on being firstname middlename FIlastname. That's what works for me, but I completely get not wanting to change it. Keep in mind as well that you can always change your name further down the line if you aren't 100% sure which way you want to go now. As for being announced at the reception, you can certainly ask that they announce you as 'Sara' and 'Brad' instead of doing the whole Mr. and Mrs. thing. Most people probably won't even notice.

labro · April 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 I don't see him hyphenating his last name. I think he feels the same way about his name that I do about mine.

@shrekspeare I almost feel like for brevity's sake we ought to just be announced as Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname. In all seriousness, I don't have a clue how we should be announced.

I think the wanting to keep it private comes from just feeling weird about it. Nobody I know, and I mean nobody, has a hyphenated last name or goes by their maiden name. One of my professors in college went by her maiden name. I didn't even know it was her maiden name until I was later introduced to her husband and realized he went by something different. Their kids had hyphenated last names. I also don't seem to feel (right now) a strong desire to announce it to the world. The thought of someone calling me Mrs. Hislastname doesn't bother me. To be honest, FI does it right now No doubt it will happen no matter how much I go around shouting my name. I just feel oddly quiet and odd about it. This all sounds super strange.

emmyg65 · April 2014

Both my husband and I kept our own names. We weren't announced at our reception, but a few people did ask if I would still be Ms. Jones. I just said yes. People will definitely ask you because they don't want to call you the wrong thing. (Or they'll assume and you can politely correct them.)

We played around with a couple name ideas, but it wasn't really a discussion. Because it wasn't a decision we made together. I pretty much just said, "I'm not changing my name." And he said, "Okay, cool." Your name, your decision.

phira · April 2014

I'm not changing mine. I'm actually a little bit upset because people ask me (which I think is rude) and then when I say I'm not changing it, they say something like, "Yeah, I didn't think you would." Usually, it's a little bit ... not smug, but definitely kind of like, "Yep, nailed it," because I'm a scientist and a feminist. Except I know a ton of feminists, scientists, and feminist scientists who changed their last names when they got married. And I know some people who aren't either feminists or scientists and didn't change their last name. It's a little irritating. Like, don't be rude enough to ask, and then if you DO ask, don't be all, "Woo I guessed correctly."

Anyway.

I think that the most important reason to change your name or not change your name is, "I want to," or, "I don't want to." That's, honestly, what it comes down to. I mean, I could entirely justify taking J's last name:

- I'm pretty bitterly estranged from my father, and as a result, from the majority of his family

- My mom has her original last name and so while I'm close with that side of the family (and consider myself a MaternalLastName), I already don't share a last name with them (changing my name to that last name is not an option--my siblings would never speak to me again)

- My last name is actually really annoying to spell and pronounce, even though it shouldn't be

- J's last name is really easy to spell and pronounce

- I'm very close with J's family

- I think my name with his last name sounds pretty good

- We'd both share a name (he's not changing his)

- We'd both share a name with future kids (he doesn't want to hyphenate)

- Because kids would have his last name, I'd have more leverage with first names and middle names

But ... I don't want to change my last name. It's not about being published (don't care; it's a non-issue). It's not because I'm a feminist (since it's my choice to change or not change my name). It's not because I'm particularly attached to my name beyond the bare minimum of identifying with the names we're given at birth. I just ... don't want to change it.

From what you're saying, it sounds like you always assumed that you'd change your name when you got married, and you're starting to question that for the first time. You've got plenty of time to decide, so I'd just put the decision away for a while. And you can also decide later on that you want to change your last name, if you don't change it right away; some people wait until they have kids even.

Finally, you are going to need to let people know if you change your name or not. I think it's kind of stupid that it's something that we have to do (people assume dudes keep their last names, so it's a non-issue for them!). But people are either going to assume you changed your last name, or they're going to be curious. Since it's a legal change and not just a new nickname or something, people are going to need to know so you can be properly address. For example, if you legally change your name and don't tell anyone, you may not be able to cash checks written to your original name.

As for the DJ announcement, we're doing what my brother and ex-SIL did, which I liked: "Introducing for the first time as husband and wife, HisFirst HisLast and HerFirst HerLast!" By including last names, and by intentionally referencing the oldfashioned announcement ("Introducing for the first time, Mr and Mrs HisLast!"), you're communicating to your guests that you have not changed your name.

pumpkinsandturkeys · April 2014

All I have to say is... it's your NAME. By nature, it's public.

While your decisions regarding what your name will be are based on private, personal feelings, those are resulting in a public declaration of who you are. The idea of wanting to refrain from disclosing your name to other people -- people who actually know you in real life -- goes against the entire purpose of having a name.

mbross3 · April 2014

You don't need to justify your decision to anyone, not even your FI. You should discuss it with your FI, certainly, but there is absolutely no justification needed to keep your own name (we never ask men to justify keeping their last name). However, in some families there is certainly pressure to change your name. If you do not want that topic to come up at your reception (I have no idea how likely it is that someone would bring it up if you are announced with your own last names) just be announced by your first names. I've seen this done at weddings numerous times. My cousin kept her last name and they were announced as HisFirst HisLast and HerFirst HerLast, no one said or did anything, but it is very common in my family for women to keep their last names (and actually for children to get their mother's last names--which I love!!!).

I can see how the reasoning behind this decision can be very personal --especially if you are feeling pressure from those close to you. You do not need to share this reasoning with anyone, which is how I understood your "privacy" issue. Obviously names cannot be kept a secret (if you want to be addressed by your name, people have to know it!), but if you're worried about people taking up the discussion of your reasoning at your wedding/reception--just have yourself announced by your first names, or simply "the bride and groom".

labro · April 2014

@phira That sounds about right honestly. I never questioned changing my name until recently. But now it feels like I'm detaching myself from my family and family history and other stuff. Completely irrational...but that's just how it feels. My family name just feels special and unique to me.

@mbross3 I think you put in words where I couldn't. I think it's apprehension about how people will read into it or how people will address it at the reception. It's an unknown in our family for a woman to NOT change her name to her husband's so I just don't know how to gauge potential reactions. I know my mom is cool with it. I've talked about it with her. She's even expressed that she WANTS me to keep my name after I brought it up. And I think most people in my family would probably not say anything about it...but I can kind of see people like FI's grandmother and mother getting flustered over it and maybe others...who knows. FMIL is very traditional and FI's grandmother just speaks whatever comes to her mind. She doesn't have a filter. It's admirable in some situations but most of the time it's just overwhelming.

mbross3 · April 2014

@LaPeanut1018 I really hate how there is this extra pressure on women to change their names. It's your name for crying out loud! You should be able to decide what to do about it without having to explain it to people! However, it's almost inevitable that someone will question your decision at some point. BF's dad keeps joking about how when we get married my name will rhyme (my first name rhymes with BF's last name--ugh). We aren't even engaged and this comes up. BF's dad is incredibly conservative and traditional and that one time I responded that I won't ever change my name, but luckily I don't have to worry about that because I'm not engaged to be married. He flipped. BF had to tell him discussion closed (soooo crazy--we aren't even engaged and he's telling me to change my name?!)

Anyway, point is people have strong opinions about this topic and you will have to address those at some point. That point does not have to be your wedding day- so you should be announced in whatever way makes you feel comfortable.

manateehugger · April 2014

Am I the only one who has experienced pressure to NOT change her name? There are some people I wont even discuss the issue with because they tell me crap like I'm perpetuating oppressive patriarchal practices or that I clearly am not an independent woman because I may change my name.

NavyBlue143 · April 2014

"For the first time as husband and wife, YourFirstName and HisFirstName." Problem solved.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

LaPeanut1018 said:

@phira That sounds about right honestly. I never questioned changing my name until recently. But now it feels like I'm detaching myself from my family and family history and other stuff. Completely irrational...but that's just how it feels. My family name just feels special and unique to me.
@mbross3 I think you put in words where I couldn't. I think it's apprehension about how people will read into it or how people will address it at the reception. It's an unknown in our family for a woman to NOT change her name to her husband's so I just don't know how to gauge potential reactions. I know my mom is cool with it. I've talked about it with her. She's even expressed that she WANTS me to keep my name after I brought it up. And I think most people in my family would probably not say anything about it...but I can kind of see people like FI's grandmother and mother getting flustered over it and maybe others...who knows. FMIL is very traditional and FI's grandmother just speaks whatever comes to her mind. She doesn't have a filter. It's admirable in some situations but most of the time it's just overwhelming.

This is, as you know, none of their business. But if you think this is going to happen, you should really tell them BEFORE it's announced at the reception, or grandma's lack of filter is going to come out right then and there.

Putting aside whether it should or shouldn't be unusual, it still is, for a lot people, unusual when a woman doesn't take her husband's name. If you think your decision is going to cause hurt feelings or fluster people or whatever, the least you can do is warn them in advance.

It's still a very personal decision, but no more personal than announcing to devoutly Catholic parents that you're not having a Mass. You're free to make your own decisions, but you do owe people the respect of telling them about those decisions before you spring them on them.

pinkcow13 · April 2014

I'll be taking FI's name. I'm not attached to my name (although I love my nickname. Everyone calls me TP and I've grown fond of it lol). After we get married I will technically not be TP anymore. I also like the idea of FI and I sharing a name, and if we have kids one day, I like the idea that we would all have the same last name.

ShallowSeas · April 2014

I love FI's last name and will be taking it once we are married, but I also love my maiden name and would be sad completely losing it, so I will legally make it my middle name. If its something you feel so strongly about then I'm sure your FI will understand, even if he would prefer to have you take his last name.

mbross3 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

LaPeanut1018 said:

@phira That sounds about right honestly. I never questioned changing my name until recently. But now it feels like I'm detaching myself from my family and family history and other stuff. Completely irrational...but that's just how it feels. My family name just feels special and unique to me.
@mbross3 I think you put in words where I couldn't. I think it's apprehension about how people will read into it or how people will address it at the reception. It's an unknown in our family for a woman to NOT change her name to her husband's so I just don't know how to gauge potential reactions. I know my mom is cool with it. I've talked about it with her. She's even expressed that she WANTS me to keep my name after I brought it up. And I think most people in my family would probably not say anything about it...but I can kind of see people like FI's grandmother and mother getting flustered over it and maybe others...who knows. FMIL is very traditional and FI's grandmother just speaks whatever comes to her mind. She doesn't have a filter. It's admirable in some situations but most of the time it's just overwhelming.

This is, as you know, none of their business. But if you think this is going to happen, you should really tell them BEFORE it's announced at the reception, or grandma's lack of filter is going to come out right then and there.

Putting aside whether it should or shouldn't be unusual, it still is, for a lot people, unusual when a woman doesn't take her husband's name. If you think your decision is going to cause hurt feelings or fluster people or whatever, the least you can do is warn them in advance.

It's still a very personal decision, but no more personal than announcing to devoutly Catholic parents that you're not having a Mass. You're free to make your own decisions, but you do owe people the respect of telling them about those decisions before you spring them on them.

I'm going to disagree with @HisGirlFriday13 here just slightly. I don't think that you necessarily have to let anyone know about your name changing (or not changing) plans in advance of the wedding. If you feel, for whatever reason, that someone should know before the wedding, fine. However, there is no reason that your last name needs to be stated after the ceremony (I say after the ceremony because the officiant may say your first and last name ex: "Do you, HerFirst HerLast take HisFirst HisLast..." but I believe that is up to you).

From a legal standpoint your name will not change at the ceremony or during the ceremony, so, except in some very rare circumstances, when the officiant announces Mr & Mrs HisLast, that is not legally accurate. All I'm saying is that name changes happen in the days/weeks/months following the wedding. Therefore, if you do not want to raise this point to anyone (other than your FI) before the wedding, you shouldn't feel like you have to. Frankly it's no one else's business (again other than your FI) and whether or not anyone should be made aware of your particular decision and/or reasoning is completely up to you--along with that timing.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

mbross3 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

LaPeanut1018 said:

@phira That sounds about right honestly. I never questioned changing my name until recently. But now it feels like I'm detaching myself from my family and family history and other stuff. Completely irrational...but that's just how it feels. My family name just feels special and unique to me.
@mbross3 I think you put in words where I couldn't. I think it's apprehension about how people will read into it or how people will address it at the reception. It's an unknown in our family for a woman to NOT change her name to her husband's so I just don't know how to gauge potential reactions. I know my mom is cool with it. I've talked about it with her. She's even expressed that she WANTS me to keep my name after I brought it up. And I think most people in my family would probably not say anything about it...but I can kind of see people like FI's grandmother and mother getting flustered over it and maybe others...who knows. FMIL is very traditional and FI's grandmother just speaks whatever comes to her mind. She doesn't have a filter. It's admirable in some situations but most of the time it's just overwhelming.

This is, as you know, none of their business. But if you think this is going to happen, you should really tell them BEFORE it's announced at the reception, or grandma's lack of filter is going to come out right then and there.

Putting aside whether it should or shouldn't be unusual, it still is, for a lot people, unusual when a woman doesn't take her husband's name. If you think your decision is going to cause hurt feelings or fluster people or whatever, the least you can do is warn them in advance.

It's still a very personal decision, but no more personal than announcing to devoutly Catholic parents that you're not having a Mass. You're free to make your own decisions, but you do owe people the respect of telling them about those decisions before you spring them on them.

I'm going to disagree with @HisGirlFriday13 here just slightly. I don't think that you necessarily have to let anyone know about your name changing (or not changing) plans in advance of the wedding. If you feel, for whatever reason, that someone should know before the wedding, fine. However, there is no reason that your last name needs to be stated after the ceremony (I say after the ceremony because the officiant may say your first and last name ex: "Do you, HerFirst HerLast take HisFirst HisLast..." but I believe that is up to you).

From a legal standpoint your name will not change at the ceremony or during the ceremony, so, except in some very rare circumstances, when the officiant announces Mr & Mrs HisLast, that is not legally accurate. All I'm saying is that name changes happen in the days/weeks/months following the wedding. Therefore, if you do not want to raise this point to anyone (other than your FI) before the wedding, you shouldn't feel like you have to. Frankly it's no one else's business (again other than your FI) and whether or not anyone should be made aware of your particular decision and/or reasoning is completely up to you--along with that timing.

I think you only have to if you're worried that grandma is going to go off half-cocked because she has no filter. That was the basis of my suggestion -- IF you think people will react badly THEN you should probably tell them beforehand so they don't spend your reception shit-talking your decision.

You're right that her name won't legally change during the ceremony, or immediately after, but if OP and her husband are announced as Mr. DH Surname and Mrs. OP Maidenname, and his grandmother is surprised by that, it could be problematic.

It's more of a preventive measure -- tell them before your wedding so they can tell you what they really think (as they're going to do either way) before it's your actual wedding day.

I don't think OP owes anyone an explanation, but I think preventive damage control is never a bad idea.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

I'm taking FI's last name. Was never really a question for me... call me old fashioned, but I've always thought I would and liked the idea that it makes us one unit/team/whatever, even though that's totally not the case and is irrelevant to anything. I love my last name despite being hard to spell and harder to pronounce, but I feel more attached to my family because they're MY FAMILY, not because we share the same last name. And I kind of feel weirder about sacrificing my middle name than I do my last name. (And a friend has had awful luck with credit/legal/identity issues due to having two middle names, so I don't recommend that.)

I guess long story short, it's a totally personal and emotional thing, you don't need to have logical reasons for it or against it, and don't have to defend either decision. Just do what feels right. You're no more or less married either way.

ETA; @severmilli12 your pics are ADORABLE! Squeee!

wandajune6 · April 2014

I can't decide either. I was originally going to take his name but am now having a hard time getting my head around the idea.

I'd be open to making my maiden name my middle name but can't do that easily. I have 4 names already: wandajune6+middle+mom's maiden+last name. I don't really care about my middle name but having 3 last names is just too much. And, if I change my name, which names do I drop?

FI says that he doesn't care but he assumed I would change my name until I brought it up. His son (who lives with us) thinks that I should change my name. My mom and sister never changed theirs.

I still have no idea what to do!

QueerFemme · April 2014

I was really happy to change my last name. But, I have zero connection to my former name, so that helped. I don't have a relationship with my biological family, so it was no loss to remove that name.

With that said, it still feels weird to say my last name and it's been 18 months since we got married. I'm 43... and changing my name after 43 years... it's just hard to get used to.

With that said, don't justify your reasons for or not changing your name to anyone. If you decide not to change it, just answer "I decided not to change it.. where's the bathroom?" I got a LOT of shit for changing my name. I just said "I'm changing it... so, this discussion is closed".

And for announcement, use something like what NavyBlue suggested.

phira · April 2014

PDKH said:

Am I the only one who has experienced pressure to NOT change her name? There are some people I wont even discuss the issue with because they tell me crap like I'm perpetuating oppressive patriarchal practices or that I clearly am not an independent woman because I may change my name.

You're not the only one. I don't want to change my last name, but I kind of feel like FUCK YOU PEOPLE I'M GONNA CHANGE IT because I'm so annoyed with people who assume I'm keeping it.

I do want to emphasize that we can make our own decisions without being vilified as upholding patriarchy while also criticizing the culture that pushes women towards changing their lasts names after marriage (the same culture that also assumes that women only ever marry men). The thing is, it's just unbelievable that, if our choices weren't influenced by our culture, the majority of women (marrying men) change their last names after marriage, and the overwhelming majority of men (marrying women) do not change their last names after marriage. If there were no influence, no bias, no pressure from culture and society, there's no reason we'd see such a big difference.

That doesn't mean that anyone should change their last name, or not change their last name, because they're "supposed to" in order to crush patriarchy. The goal isn't to change individual people; it's to change the system. Part of that is respecting people's decisions. Part of that is making it easier for men to change their names after marriage. Part of that is making paperwork-type stuff easier (e.g. not assuming that different last names means not married); my partner is not looking forward to insurance hoops we'll have to jump through because of different last names.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I'm keeping my last name and FI is changing his to mine. It is really a personal decision. You have to go with what you are comfortable with. It is the name you have to live with.

Peaseblossom55 · April 2014

I love FI's last name & excited to take his. FI often jokes that after I take his he will take mine, I'm not too fond of my last so I'll be happy to change it.

thisismynickname2 · April 2014

Do whatever you want (that you and FI are happy with). Seriously. This is very personal, just do what's right for you both. You do not answer to anybody.

If How I Met Your Mother's Marshall and Lily can make it work, so can you. If I recall correctly, they were announced as, "Mr. and Mrs. Marshall Ericksen and Lily Aldren!" No biggie!

I'm taking FI's last name and can't wait. Even though my rare last name will die out, it's such a pain in the rear to spell and pronounce. FI's last name isn't much easier (going from a Dutch name to a Ukrainian name), but at least it has fewer letters.

KatWAG · April 2014

I agree with all the PPs who said it is a personal decison and there isnt a right answer.

I would add that you don't need to decide right now. If a year after you get married, you decide to change your name, you can. There isnt a deadline for this decision.

KPBM89 · April 2014

Agreed that it is definitely a personal decision.

I will be changing to FI's last name as I have no connection to mine personally. I don't care to hold onto the name of a man that abandoned me as a child.

My SIL originally wanted to hyphenate her last name with my brother's when they were married, but I think she is just using his last name now. I'm not even sure which one is legally her last name.

Kauris · April 2014

I wasn't going to change mine to his; I rather like the anonymity of my last name. However, his father passed away about four weeks before we got engaged, and he said to me, "You're all the family I have." That was all it took for me to decide that changing my name was in the cards. It really doesn't matter if I like his name or will forever be correcting people on it, it will be what outwardly makes us family. It means A LOT to him and that is ultimately what matters to me.

You have to do what is best for you, BOTH of you; I hope you come to a decision that makes you both happy, even if you find a new name!

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

phira said:

PDKH said:

Am I the only one who has experienced pressure to NOT change her name? There are some people I wont even discuss the issue with because they tell me crap like I'm perpetuating oppressive patriarchal practices or that I clearly am not an independent woman because I may change my name.

You're not the only one. I don't want to change my last name, but I kind of feel like FUCK YOU PEOPLE I'M GONNA CHANGE IT because I'm so annoyed with people who assume I'm keeping it.

I do want to emphasize that we can make our own decisions without being vilified as upholding patriarchy while also criticizing the culture that pushes women towards changing their lasts names after marriage (the same culture that also assumes that women only ever marry men). The thing is, it's just unbelievable that, if our choices weren't influenced by our culture, the majority of women (marrying men) change their last names after marriage, and the overwhelming majority of men (marrying women) do not change their last names after marriage. If there were no influence, no bias, no pressure from culture and society, there's no reason we'd see such a big difference.

That doesn't mean that anyone should change their last name, or not change their last name, because they're "supposed to" in order to crush patriarchy. The goal isn't to change individual people; it's to change the system. Part of that is respecting people's decisions. Part of that is making it easier for men to change their names after marriage. Part of that is making paperwork-type stuff easier (e.g. not assuming that different last names means not married); my partner is not looking forward to insurance hoops we'll have to jump through because of different last names.

@phira I'm curious what insurance hoops you are talking about. I think of all the states to live in MA is probably the easiest (1st state to legalize gay marriage, men can change their names at marriage, just like women.) People have children with different last names and it doesn't seem to be a problem. FI added me to his renters insurance, and it wasn't a problem at all.

My FI and I are keeping our own names. We haven't decided how we should be introduced, either just first names or individual full names. I've always known I would keep my name, since I was a teenager. I had an old boyfriend that said he wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't change her name to his (he had a horrible last name too) and I said, well I guess we're never getting married then.

phira · April 2014

@laurynm84 My partner used to work for a local insurance agency and said that it's a lot more annoying when people didn't have the same last name. But that's all I know of off the top of my head. Not sure how easy it is for dudes to change their last names after marriage in MA.

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