So, before I start I want to thank novella for encouraging me to vent. I see all the support the community gives and it's very uplifting. I want to preface this by saying that I'm not always the best at expressing my feelings through words, so I hope I'm understood correctly.
Two years ago my father passed away from 7 years of battling stage 4 stomach cancer. It still gets to me, but I know the fact that he was able to get married to the love of his life, open his own business and see his first grandchild be born is something most with stage 4 cancer will not see. Cancer is a bitch and I miss him everyday, but I'm grateful for the memories I have. My stepmother is a great woman who has been nothing short of supportive both emotionally and financially during my wedding planning process.
That same year, my mother had a horrible stroke that should have killed her. She was in ICU for a week through Christmas, and because my mom and stepfather never had health insurance (he owned his own small company and she worked for him), she never got the proper rehab she should have. Her entire right side is paralyzed, she doesn't know how to talk (she knows a couple words and can say them if you help her) and gets "yes" and "no" switched frequently. For awhile she didn't know who anyone was, but her memory has come back a little bit over the past couple of years. She was the total Martha Stewart type, hostess with the mostest, insanely crafty and giving person, loved to dance. Her stroke was directly caused by her refusal to take medication for her a fib. She would live in a world of, "if I don't think about it, it won't happen to me" kind of mentality. I still hold a little bit of resentment (is that the right word?) towards her because I know if she would have just taken her warfarin/coumadin she would still be the same person she was. In many ways we have "lost" her. My step dad has no intention on getting her back in rehab but does do exercises with her, both physical and mental. My cousin is a PT and gave them insight and suggestions on what to do.
The past few weeks I have been getting emotional over the fact that I know my dad won't be there and my mom will not be the person I envisioned her to be all these years. My family and I are and continue to be very close, though I live about 4 hours from them. I went to a grief counselor and thought I was good to go, but the holidays + wedding planning has brought a lot of emotions up to the surface again. I know I should be grateful my mother is still around and I still have a very strong support group, as many brides I see here do not have.
I also feel for my Fi, as I know he's my #1 supporter but recently feels hopeless. He asked me about my first fitting for my dress and I burst out crying because I don't think anyone will be available (in person or over facetime) to be there with me. The last time I wore the gown was before my dad passed and we taped our father daughter dance. I don't know how I will react when I put the dress on again. I have been getting a lot of questions from vendors about my parents and it's like a tiny stab in my heart every time I have to explain.
Though, I did just start BCP again, so my hormones are totally out of wack and may be the major cause of my over emotional self. For brides that are planning or remember planning and would get emotional, what would you do? I think I need to get stock in alcohol and just cry it out.
Thank you for those who read this short novel & happy Monday.