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FSIL shower etiquette

themuffinman16themuffinman16 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My FSIL is having a bridal shower. (her sister is her MOH, and is hosting it, along with the other bridesmaids.) Yesterday, she told me her MOH is hiring a caterer, but her bridesmaids are a little peeved about the cost.  (It will come to $100 per person).  FSIL asked me if it was poor etiquette. My step-mother was there and is so critical of me, so I didn't venture into the etiquette blunder.  I, only, told her that this time is for her to have fun, she is the guest of honor, so she shouldn't worry about the party and her bridesmaids are grownups and will figure it out, between themselves. 
   I remember thinking exactly like them. "My sister wants it to be special" (were the same thought process, before I came here).  It sounds like her sister did not talk to any of the bridesmaids about their budgets.  Should I not really offer etiquette advice since I don't know her too well, and it isn't even her who is creating the breach? Her sister is telling her this is what it means to be a bridesmaid, and I think she believes her.
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Re: FSIL shower etiquette

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I would tell her the truth if she asked me and keep it to myself if she did not. That's how I handle these etiquette situations off TK.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    I don't see how it's rude to tell someone the truth, tactfully, if they asked. I would have said something since she asked, but wouldn't obviously be like "ew that's so rude."

    Formerly martha1818

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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    themuffinman16 said:

    My FSIL is having a bridal shower. (her sister is her MOH, and is hosting it, along with the other bridesmaids.) Yesterday, she told me her MOH is hiring a caterer, but her bridesmaids are a little peeved about the cost.  (It will come to $100 per person).  FSIL asked me if it was poor etiquette. My step-mother was there and is so critical of me, so I didn't venture into the etiquette blunder.  I, only, told her that this time is for her to have fun, she is the guest of honor, so she shouldn't worry about the party and her bridesmaids are grownups and will figure it out, between themselves. 

       I remember thinking exactly like them. "My sister wants it to be special" (were the same thought process, before I came here).  It sounds like her sister did not talk to any of the bridesmaids about their budgets.  Should I not really offer etiquette advice since I don't know her too well, and it isn't even her who is creating the breach? Her sister is telling her this is what it means to be a bridesmaid, and I think she believes her.
    Is this your brother's FI?  She did ask you if it was poor etiquette, so maybe talk to her another time. But you're right, that it's the bridesmaids and MOH job to figure it out. You don't know the MOH, so it's not really your place to talk to her. A lot of people are just clueless about this, and really think that all the bridesmaids should chip in.

    When I was MOH for my sister's wedding, I was talking to my mom about the cost, and she told me since I planned everything myself I should pay for it. Ok, no problem, so I took care of it.

    My other sister is getting married in July. Her best friend is MOH. We went back and forth talking about what type of shower to have ,and since my sister and I both had catered showers, we thought it would be fair to throw a shower for other sister at a restaurant as well (we wanted it to be special). The MOH had a stricter budget than my sister and I, so sister and I said we would pay for the shower. 

    Obviously, not everyone has the money to throw a catered shower themselves, but then you shouldn't be demanding money from other people either.


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    kvrunskvruns member
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    She asked your opinion on it so its not bad etiquette. I can't imagine spending $100 as a share of a bridal shower but then again the ones I've been to are always at someone's house
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    kvruns said:

    She asked your opinion on it so its not bad etiquette. I can't imagine spending $100 as a share of a bridal shower but then again the ones I've been to are always at someone's house

    That's funny, because 100 sounds inexpensive to me. I paid about 1000 (including tip) dollars for the food and venue for my sister's shower.

    Not sure how much my other sister's shower will be, but my married sister and I are splitting that. 

    But it doesn't matter what I think is expensive or not, if it's not within people's budgets, others shouldn't invoice them. 

    My engaged sister has been a bridesmaid like 15 times. She was in two weddings back to back weekends last year (mine and her friend's). Our showers were on the same day. My sister was planning my shower, so obviously she went to mine. She had no input on the date or anything on her friend's shower, and the MOH invoiced her for it. My sister said she wasn't paying because one, she couldn't even go because she was never asked about her availability, and she didn't have any input in the shower. 

    You can't plan things yourself and then invoice people. That's the main point!
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    lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
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    themuffinman16 said:

    My FSIL is having a bridal shower. (her sister is her MOH, and is hosting it, along with the other bridesmaids.) Yesterday, she told me her MOH is hiring a caterer, but her bridesmaids are a little peeved about the cost.  (It will come to $100 per person).  FSIL asked me if it was poor etiquette. My step-mother was there and is so critical of me, so I didn't venture into the etiquette blunder.  I, only, told her that this time is for her to have fun, she is the guest of honor, so she shouldn't worry about the party and her bridesmaids are grownups and will figure it out, between themselves. 

       I remember thinking exactly like them. "My sister wants it to be special" (were the same thought process, before I came here).  It sounds like her sister did not talk to any of the bridesmaids about their budgets.  Should I not really offer etiquette advice since I don't know her too well, and it isn't even her who is creating the breach? Her sister is telling her this is what it means to be a bridesmaid, and I think she believes her.
    Hiring a caterer for a bridal shower in and of itself is not an etiquette no-no, as far as I know. However, if the bridesmaids are peeved and have told the MOH they can't swing it and she's still demanding $100 a piece, then yes, that is very rude of her.

    If someone invoiced me $100 for a shower, I would be very peeved.  I'm sure it depends on what you're used to, but that means just the food for the shower is at the very least $300 (assuming only two bridesmaids from your plural use of the word, although there could very well be more), which seems very expensive to me.  I'm used to smaller affairs hosted at a person's home with the hosts providing finger foods made themselves. 

    The bridesmaids should really speak up if they're annoyed.  If they don't, it's kind of their problem.  I probably wouldn't say anything about the etiquette unless she specifically asked me. 
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    scribe95 said:

    I guess I understand hosting to be different. I have offered several showers and have never once asked someone else to help pay. 


    And seriously $1000 shower? Wow. I think in my world they are much smaller affairs. 15 or 20 people in someone's house eating chicken salad sandwiches, appetizers and cake with some drinks. 
    Most of the showers I've attended were at a restaurant's private room. Only a couple were at someone's house. In my circle, most showers are around 30-50 people. Most people don't want to host that many people in their home, or their house isn't big enough anyway.

    25 x 30 people + tip and tax = approx. 1000 dollars.

    CT is expensive too.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    If someone said "is this rude?" I think you can absolutely say yes and deliver it in a non-accusatory way. I would. That's rude as hell.
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
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    themuffinman16 said:

    My FSIL is having a bridal shower. (her sister is her MOH, and is hosting it, along with the other bridesmaids.) Yesterday, she told me her MOH is hiring a caterer, but her bridesmaids are a little peeved about the cost.  (It will come to $100 per person).  FSIL asked me if it was poor etiquette. My step-mother was there and is so critical of me, so I didn't venture into the etiquette blunder.  I, only, told her that this time is for her to have fun, she is the guest of honor, so she shouldn't worry about the party and her bridesmaids are grownups and will figure it out, between themselves. 

       I remember thinking exactly like them. "My sister wants it to be special" (were the same thought process, before I came here).  It sounds like her sister did not talk to any of the bridesmaids about their budgets.  Should I not really offer etiquette advice since I don't know her too well, and it isn't even her who is creating the breach? Her sister is telling her this is what it means to be a bridesmaid, and I think she believes her.
    Wow, I read this as the shower was going to be $100/head and I was like "Wow! That's an expensive meal and open bar and a lot of favors". I was assuming this was going to end up being like $500 per bridesmaid to cover 20 people at the shower, for example. It never even crossed my mind that $100 would be a lot to chip in to pay for a shower, assuming you had previously agreed to help pay for the shower and had discussed some budgets. 

    Even at a house, $400 (assuming 4 bridesmaids) seems pretty reasonable for a shower. If you have 20 people, you could maybe just assume they'll each eat $10 worth of food, and drink $10 worth of drink? That's 400 dollars right there. Or half that and say $5 worth of food and $5 worth of drink (basic snacks, grocery store sheet cake, minimal alcohol served) and that's $200. That leaves, say, $50 for decorations, and $50 for favors, with $100 left over for a gift (a lot of showers I've helped with the bridesmaids went in for a gift together). 


    I think the only etiquette blunder here is that the MOH didn't discuss budgets with her cohosts before just hitting them up for cash. 
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