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"You can't change people, only your reaction to them."

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I moved away from family over 15 years ago to pursue our careers. Since then we have spent the majority of our vacation time and thousands of dollars coming home to visit our parents and siblings at least twice a year (including Thanksgiving, which is always a very expensive circus). In part, we visit out of a sense of obligation, but also because we want to stay connected. Meanwhile, our family has visited us only a handful of times. This year, I am trying to start a tradition of a summer retreat in which everyone gathers for a few days at a lake cabin. The location would be within a three-hour drive for them and the time commitment would be minimal. I am getting such a lukewarm, noncommittal response to this proposal that resentment has started to build. Why should we go to the trouble, year after year, to see the family if getting together is not important to them? I’m tempted to cut our trips home altogether, if it didn’t mean that our kids would lose time with their extended family. Is it reasonable to ask for some reciprocity from our families? Should we just stop visiting?

—Fed Up

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Re: "You can't change people, only your reaction to them."

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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yes. 

    We don't visit our families. Like, ever. We don't have the money, we don't have the time, we certainly don't have the desire to go to Phoenix for any reason (but will for weddings). We send the kid to them now that she's old enough and it will do her some good to have a relationship with the grands, but why on earth should we spend our money and vacation time going places we don't like? 

    So, yeah, she should stop visiting. And she should probably give up on the "retreat". Just live your life. Maybe no one cares about her visiting as often as she has been, and she's been stressing herself out for nothing all these years. Wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth? 
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Her family isn't close AND they don't seem to want to be.  She wants to be close and visit, and that's absolutely her choice; she doesn't have to and neither does anyone else in her family. I think the blame here is on both sides of the issue, b/c she also isn't realizing the reality of her family.

    MIL is the exact same way.  She has this picture in her head about her "close" family and how much their relationships all mean.  Um, DH hasn't spoken to little BIL in years now, older BIL maybe 1-2x/year and only holidays w/his parents.  IDK what the other family relationships are and I don't really care, but "close" is not an accurate descriptions and it's okay.
    �
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited May 2015
    My dad's family are champion bitchers about not getting together and wanting us (my parents, sisters, H's, and our kids) to truck up to them on holidays.  They do not come here unless it's for an event with engraved invites.  We've talked about the whole "let's get a couple lake houses somewhere and do a family reunion weekend."  But no one has planned it and money would become an issue since we do have people who would skip out and leave others holding the bag. 

    My aunt, who bitches whines the loudest about "B-b-b-but FAAAAMMMILLLY!", was here for an entire week once visiting a friend who lived less than 15 min from me and never once asked to meet for dinner or anything.  Ever since she did that, I just roll my eyes at her and move on when she gets on her high horse about getting together and how we 'never' do it. 

    ETA: We've lived here almost 20 years and spent many of them schlepping up to Chicago.  But since we've all gotten married, have IL's, and kids, it's just not feasible going to do another thing with extended family for holidays. 

    Also, I know this is going to be coming up again since my aunt's (same one as above) son knocked up his GF and she wants us all up for the shower at the end of June.  My sisters and I all aren't going for various reasons.  I'm sure my mom will get an earful. 
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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    we're somewhat in this situation, so i understand OP's frustration. 

    both sets of parents come down and visit pretty much 1x/year, and my sister has visited a few times; however all of DK's siblings have been down here 1x in 5 years, and never with their families. It's a little ridiculous that they expect us to drop everything and spend our vacation time and thousands of dollars to visit them for every little thing, when they won't do the same for us. 

    i'm annoyed that we're essentially "required" to go visit in the fall for FIL's 70th birthday party - because i'm sure the same thing will happen next year when  MIL turns 70. we weren't planning to visit PA at all in 2015. 
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    NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm from a huge family on my mom's side and we get together about twice a year, but it's a come if you can kind of thing. Some people skip a year or two and it's no big deal.
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    VarunaTT said:

    Her family isn't close AND they don't seem to want to be.  She wants to be close and visit, and that's absolutely her choice; she doesn't have to and neither does anyone else in her family. I think the blame here is on both sides of the issue, b/c she also isn't realizing the reality of her family.

    YES x 295837659347

    please see: me and my post history
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