Two Showers?!

lpeanut0610 · May 2015

I am getting married in January and just found out that I am in a tight spot about the wedding showers.... So here it goes.

My future mother in law has been starting to plan my shower. She was planning on having one big shower but was waiting to really start planning until my sister who is my MOH, came back from a couple of months out of state. She wants to have it in November since by then my fiance's Yia Yia will be in the States. She knows my sister can't afford to do a shower by herself and wanted to pull their forces and finances together. She even has the place picked out. But again was waiting for more details until my sister came back.

My sister knew that my FMIL was waiting to speak to her about doing a shower. My sister dropped the bomb last night that she had already started plans on her own separate shower. She wants to do one in our backyard for my family and friends. She said that she has already started planning the whole thing and won't do one big shower. She isn't doing it because it will be too big of a shower ( we are inviting 365 to our wedding). She just wants to have one that she does and says she doesn't care if my FMIL gets "butt hurt" (her words, not mine) over it. I feel like she is just doing this out of spite. She doesn't like my fiance's culture and doesn't want to do anything that might include it, even though the shower won't be about that at all. *sigh*

My fiance's family has done nothing but be warm and inviting to my sisters and I. They already make us feel feel that we are included in the family. I know that this will hurt both my FMIL and fiance's feelings that my sister is going to do this. And my sister doesn't seem to care.

I see that having two showers might be a good idea. It won't be a 4 hour shower and it will be a little more intimate. However, I like the idea of having one shower and bringing everyone together at least once before the wedding. I love both my FMIL and my sister ( although she is proving to be a big pain in the butt with all the wedding stuff) and I don't want to hurt either of them.

Help! Any thoughts or suggestions?

LondonLisa · May 2015

lpeanut0610 said:

I am getting married in January and just found out that I am in a tight spot about the wedding showers.... So here it goes.

My future mother in law has been starting to plan my shower. She was planning on having one big shower but was waiting to really start planning until my sister who is my MOH, came back from a couple of months out of state. She wants to have it in November since by then my fiance's Yia Yia will be in the States. She knows my sister can't afford to do a shower by herself and wanted to pull their forces and finances together. She even has the place picked out. But again was waiting for more details until my sister came back.

My sister knew that my FMIL was waiting to speak to her about doing a shower. My sister dropped the bomb last night that she had already started plans on her own separate shower. She wants to do one in our backyard for my family and friends. She said that she has already started planning the whole thing and won't do one big shower. She isn't doing it because it will be too big of a shower ( we are inviting 365 to our wedding). She just wants to have one that she does and says she doesn't care if my FMIL gets "butt hurt" (her words, not mine) over it. I feel like she is just doing this out of spite. She doesn't like my fiance's culture and doesn't want to do anything that might include it, even though the shower won't be about that at all. *sigh*

My fiance's family has done nothing but be warm and inviting to my sisters and I. They already make us feel feel that we are included in the family. I know that this will hurt both my FMIL and fiance's feelings that my sister is going to do this. And my sister doesn't seem to care.

I see that having two showers might be a good idea. It won't be a 4 hour shower and it will be a little more intimate. However, I like the idea of having one shower and bringing everyone together at least once before the wedding. I love both my FMIL and my sister ( although she is proving to be a big pain in the butt with all the wedding stuff) and I don't want to hurt either of them.

Help! Any thoughts or suggestions?

A shower is a gift and the host is allowed to plan it however they would like. If she wants to throw her own shower, you are free to decline or accept. What you are not free to do is tag on all of these caveats that it needs to be here or have X number of people. You gave her your preferred dates, she wants something else, so oh well, it won't work out and just decline the shower.

Also, your shower should only be for your nearest and dearest. So even though you are inviting 350+ you really should not have more than 25 people MAX at a shower. A four hour long shower is tedious and terrible.

tawillers · May 2015

I keep typing things and deleting them. I'm not sure where to start.

Heffalump · May 2015

Having more than one shower is completely acceptable. In the case of a huge guest list, it's even preferable. If someone is nice enough to host a shower, then they get to host as many people as they choose, based on their budget, space, and other constraints. It doesn't have to be every living female who is invited to the wedding. (And definitely not anyone who isn't.)

In your case, there is nothing wrong with your sister hosting a shower for your side of the family, and your FMIL hosting another for her side of the family. Just make sure that they don't invite the same people, so you don't appear gift grabby and no one feels obligated to pony up twice.

If your sister has some sort of a problem with your FI's family/culture, then that's a separate issue. But she's entitled to throw you a party and invite whomever she can afford to host, and there is no reason for your FMIL to get butthurt about it.

hmonkey · May 2015

lpeanut0610 said:
However, I like the idea of having one shower and bringing everyone together at least once before the wedding.

it's called a rehearsal dinner.

and sometimes it's not such a good idea to have these people all together any more often than necessary.

*Barbie* · May 2015

Heffalump said:
It doesn't have to be every living female who is invited to the wedding.

my MIL would disagree with you on this. every woman who was invited to my wedding was also invited to the shower.

OP - I agree with the PP. It's really up to the host(s) to decide what they want to do for the party. If they're not being blatantly rude, I wouldn't get involved. Just tell your MIL that SIL was thinking of hosting a separate event (and that your MIL should discuss with her), and that MIL can move forward with whatever she wants to plan.

I don't see anything wrong with 2 showers - although from a guest perspective, I probably wouldn't want to be invited to 2 showers for the same person. They might want to split up the guest list.

lpeanut0610 · May 2015

Thanks everyone for the replies. I believe it would be the two separate families. There shouldn't be an overlap in guests.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2015

two showers= more cake

Nuff said.

*Barbie* · May 2015

@lpeanut0610 - i'm curious what culture your FI comes from and why your sister finds it objectionable. do you mind sharing?

I always think it's cool getting to experience different cultural traditions at weddings.

Heffalump · May 2015

*Barbie* said:
@lpeanut0610 - i'm curious what culture your FI comes from and why your sister finds it objectionable. do you mind sharing?

I always think it's cool getting to experience different cultural traditions at weddings.

I've seen Yia Yia in Greek families, not sure if it is used elsewhere. So I'm guessing Greek but may be way off base.

*Barbie* · May 2015

Heffalump said:

*Barbie* said:

I've seen Yia Yia in Greek families, not sure if it is used elsewhere. So I'm guessing Greek but may be way off base.

ok, that's what my guess was too.. but who can argue with gyros, and baklava and roasting lamb on a spit? (I may have watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" a few too many times.)

lpeanut0610 · May 2015

Yes, it is Greek. And I know! Its all amazing! I think its just cause its different than how we were brought up? Idk. I like it and think its awesome to have that kind of cultural connection.

There's a lot of the religion aspect that she doesn't agree with. She doesn't like that we HAVE TO get married in the Greek Orthodox Church. She won't do the dancing at the wedding. I think she thinks its like taking me over and changing me too much? Really not that sure.

*Barbie* · May 2015

[Deleted User] · May 2015

Your sister sounds like dry toast... no honeys, no jams, just... drrrrrryyyy. I fucking love MBFGW!

MesmrEwe · May 2015

hmonkey said:

lpeanut0610 said:
However, I like the idea of having one shower and bringing everyone together at least once before the wedding.
it's called a rehearsal dinner.

and sometimes it's not such a good idea to have these people all together any more often than necessary.

LOL - this! And it sounds like OP Sister - is one of those types that probably best not to..

Two showers sounds like the way to go - one for each side (no one will get butt-hurt unless FMIL isn't given a gesture invite to the other shower).

Side note: MBFGW was in theaters in the heat of our wedding planning - for a super gigantic wedding guest list no less!!! I remember it being one of the best releases to laugh at while in the throws of everyone telling us how we HAD to do things for the wedding!

Two Showers?!

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