Wedding 911

Divorced parents and my small wedding.

My mother and father have been separated since I was 3 and divorced since I was 12. My mother is remarried for 20 years now. My father was with my step mother for almost 25 years before they decided 2 years ago to get a divorce which they are in the process of right now. I am having a really difficult time planning my wedding because my dad and my step dad  hate each other to the point that they almost got into a fight last summer when the saw each other in passing in a parking lot. I am worried that my dad, mom and step dad will not get along on my wedding day. I am almost considering eloping but really want my parents to be at my wedding even though it's a small wedding. Help ladies, what should I do in this situation? Thanks.

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Re: Divorced parents and my small wedding.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
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    Have you talked to them each individually about it? Hopefully they'd all be able to be adults for you for one day. My in-laws can't stand each other and they were able to avoid each other and be perfectly civil at my small (30 person) wedding.
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    MesmrEwe
  • Invite everyone and trust them to act like adults. I was worried about the same especially since a restraining order was necessary at one point, yet my parents (all 4) are putting aside their issues because they all want to be there for my wedding. Hopefully they love and respect you enough to be civil.
    MesmrEweCMGragain
  • I will talk to them and hopefully they will be adults about it and be civil. My FI is worried that having the there may cause a lot of trouble, he doesn't want anything bad to happen on our special day. I think he may be more worried than me.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • I am having a similar problem. My parents have been separated since I was 10, and both have new partners and children. My dad is furious with me, and isn't speaking to me, because I'm having an intimate wedding at my mother's house. He wanted me to have a larger wedding at a
    neutral venue so that my stepmother wouldn't have to be around my mother. It's ridiculous. A lot of people on here keep saying that it's just one day and that adults can be civil, but that's not always the case. It is something I'm very worried about, especially after talking to my father about it. His response? "I know some people (stepmother) will be upset about this arrangement and it will bring everyone's mood down." So don't bring her! It's sad when parents act like children. Best of luck with your situation!

    catlover30
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
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    My parents have been divorced for many years and do not get along. When I got married the first time back in 2004, I sat them both in a room and went over the details of what was expected and how I planned to do certain things that would normally involve family (pics, receiving line, etc). they agreed to it all. Well, my dad decided the day of the wedding to go back on his word. He caused a major scene and it was terrible. I trusted them to behave and only one of them did. So, I eloped when I remarried and dad didn't find out about my marriage until a month after it happened.

    The good news is that both parents were very well behaved when my brother got married in 2013.

    I recommend talking to them and then follow your gut. However, keep in mind that if one of them acts up at the wedding, it does NOT reflect poorly on you. It reflects poorly on them. Even though my dad was a drama llama at my wedding, it did not ruin the wedding itself.

     







    catlover30MesmrEwe
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield
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    Your parents and all involved need to love you more than they hate each other. If they choose to act childishly, that's not your problem. They will look like the assholes. Not you.

    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Your parents and all involved need to love you more than they hate each other. If they choose to act childishly, that's not your problem. They will look like the assholes. Not you.

    The bolded may be true, but it doesn't make it "not her problem."  Unfortunately, ugly, immature behavior by others can spoil the occasion for the couple and others present by making it an unhappy one-regardless of whether the couple end up getting married or not.  They did not plan the event to be all about the ugly, immature behavior by their parents or whomever.

    Knottie25481578
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
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    Jen4948 said:
    Your parents and all involved need to love you more than they hate each other. If they choose to act childishly, that's not your problem. They will look like the assholes. Not you.

    The bolded may be true, but it doesn't make it "not her problem."  Unfortunately, ugly, immature behavior by others can spoil the occasion for the couple and others present by making it an unhappy one-regardless of whether the couple end up getting married or not.  They did not plan the event to be all about the ugly, immature behavior by their parents or whomever.

    You can choose to allow the actions of others or you can choose to not allow it to interfere. Is it shitty? Totally. I have divorced parents and when my brother got married, my stepmom KICKED MY MOTHER and her whole side of the family out of the table they were in because it was reserved for HER (my fathers) family. People are shitty. People will always be shitty. It's a choice to allow that to ruin your day.

    If you tell them "Look, y'all need to get the fuck over your differences for 24 hours. If I hear so much as a negative look from any of you, I'm going to ask you to leave." This is someone taking charge of a situation and not allowing the actions of others to influence the event for others. 

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    catlover30Maggie0829PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited June 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    Your parents and all involved need to love you more than they hate each other. If they choose to act childishly, that's not your problem. They will look like the assholes. Not you.

    The bolded may be true, but it doesn't make it "not her problem."  Unfortunately, ugly, immature behavior by others can spoil the occasion for the couple and others present by making it an unhappy one-regardless of whether the couple end up getting married or not.  They did not plan the event to be all about the ugly, immature behavior by their parents or whomever.

    You can choose to allow the actions of others or you can choose to not allow it to interfere. Is it shitty? Totally. I have divorced parents and when my brother got married, my stepmom KICKED MY MOTHER and her whole side of the family out of the table they were in because it was reserved for HER (my fathers) family. People are shitty. People will always be shitty. It's a choice to allow that to ruin your day.

    If you tell them "Look, y'all need to get the fuck over your differences for 24 hours. If I hear so much as a negative look from any of you, I'm going to ask you to leave." This is someone taking charge of a situation and not allowing the actions of others to influence the event for others. 

    No argument there. 

    It's just that even if one does this, when parents or other people act like shit at a wedding, it doesn't make it "not a problem" for the couple regardless of the steps they take to deal with it. 

    Saying "it's not a problem" dismissed the embarrassment, pain, and hurt they endure watching their event get disrupted by people who were asked to behave like adults for one day for their sakes and who decided that their children's feelings matter less than their ugliness toward each other.  It's not necessarily a visible problem, but it's still a problem. 

    And if the couple has to pay for damage caused by people who engage in ugly behavior or for security to throw them out or endure other consequences to enforce the ones they're setting with the assholes, that is a problem for the couple.

    And telling the couple anything like "don't take it personally" or "it doesn't reflect on you" or other bullshit like that compounds the problem. 

    Knottie25481578
  • I am going to talk to my mom and dad and tell them what is expected and that I don't want any arguements on the wedding day. They have all been to other events like my graduation without any problems. Although my step father was not there so I'm not sure what to expect from my step dad and father. Like PP said, hopefully they love me more than they hate each other.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • I am going to talk to my mom and dad and tell them what is expected and that I don't want any arguements on the wedding day. They have all been to other events like my graduation without any problems. Although my step father was not there so I'm not sure what to expect from my step dad and father. Like PP said, hopefully they love me more than they hate each other.

    I would say in this instance if you are truly concerned that he will get violent and cause physical harm the rule 'if you invite one side of the coupe, you have to invite the other" goes out the window - especially if he has exhibited this kind of behavior before. Just because he is married to your mom doesn't mean that he can act like a violent asshole and then expect an invitation to places where he can once again threaten people. Well being before his feelings in my opinion.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    catlover30

  • I would say in this instance if you are truly concerned that he will get violent and cause physical harm the rule 'if you invite one side of the coupe, you have to invite the other" goes out the window - especially if he has exhibited this kind of behavior before. Just because he is married to your mom doesn't mean that he can act like a violent asshole and then expect an invitation to places where he can once again threaten people. Well being before his feelings in my opinion.
    Yes I am thinking the same thing as well, I may not invite my step dad. I know that my father and mother will try and be civil to one another. Thanks for that suggestion.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island
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    OP, according to your sticker, you are 14+ months away from your wedding. You have other things to be considering rather than worrying about people's behavior. When you are six months out, assess and evaluate and make decisions then.
    lnixon8adk19CMGragain
  • OP, according to your sticker, you are 14+ months away from your wedding. You have other things to be considering rather than worrying about people's behavior. When you are six months out, assess and evaluate and make decisions then.
    Yes that is very true, I should be dress shopping and all that but this situation is weighing heavily on both FI and my mind. So much so that we are considering eloping. I know my mother especially would be upset because I am her only child.

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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
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    edited June 2015
    OP, according to your sticker, you are 14+ months away from your wedding. You have other things to be considering rather than worrying about people's behavior. When you are six months out, assess and evaluate and make decisions then.
    Yes that is very true, I should be dress shopping and all that but this situation is weighing heavily on both FI and my mind. So much so that we are considering eloping. I know my mother especially would be upset because I am her only child.


    This is where I was. I needed to get my mom and dad in a room up front, before anything major was planned, so that I could feel them out and make a decision- private DW (it would have not been an elopement because they would all know) or traditional wedding. If there had been disagreements or too much arguing upfront, I would have ran for the hills. Of course, they were well behaved in the meeting, agreed to everything, and then it went to shit on the day-of.

     

    edited for clarity

     







    catlover30
  • We had a very small wedding and my parents (who avoid each other like the plague) were perfectly capable of acting like adults around each other.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    catlover30MesmrEwe
  • Thanks everyone for the advice, FI and I will talk to my family and set our ground rules. They are adults and I expect everyone to act accordingly. Sorry for the late response, FI just had surgery on Monday and I have been busy in the hospital taking care of him as well as at home.

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    MesmrEwe
  • Do you have someone who'd be willing to field problems for you day-of? Not something you would ask just anyone to do, but. 

    My FI's mother and father have a very hostile relationship, and his mother and stepmother's relationship is 100x worse. They've spent a good part of the last decade in court with each other, but leaving anyone out of this wedding is just...not possible. So FI quietly asked his best man (cousin who has grown up watching all of this and has grown up with similar parental issues) to help us keep an eye out / handle any drama before it escalates the day of. We've taken a lot of other measures to separate them and we hope they'll act like adults, but sometimes people just don't and sometimes it is embarrassing, and his family doesn't want to air their drama to my family anymore than we do. 
    catlover30
  • We could ask my friend to take care of any problems on the day, I have talked to my Dad and he has no problems with being civil to my mother and my step father has decided not to be there so that helps as well. My mother and father both agreed when I talked to each of them that they want the day to be special for me and my FI. They don't want any issues they may have to get in the way of that, I think that they will be ok, I am their only child and I'm only going to have one wedding so they hopefully will take that into consideration.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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