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Pre-wedding Parties

Rehearsal Party- invite some family and not others?

chloe97chloe97 member
Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited July 2015 in Pre-wedding Parties
My FMIL is hosting a rehearsal party at a very casual restaurant setting. She would like to invite their out of town family and friends to the party (about 20 people). She asked if we would like to invite my out of town extended family which is about 70 people. However with the bridal party (40  people)- we are over the 100 person capacity of the venue. Would it be okay to limit the guest list to my parent's siblings/SOs and not my adult cousins and their SO's? This would allow us to keep the number to about 90 people total. My only concern is that some of my adult cousins (in their mid-20's) are traveling in with their parents. Is this rude to not include them?  

Re: Rehearsal Party- invite some family and not others?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    That is a hell of a lot of people at a rehearsal dinner. 40 in your wedding party? So you have something like 20 bridesmaids?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • The WP includes my parents, 3 brothers, 3 sister in laws, niece, 3 nephews, 5 BMs, their SOs, 4 GM, their SOs, FI's parents, grandma, officiant, 3 readers and their SO's. I counted the people that would traditionally be invited to rehearsal as WP. It adds up! Here's the problem-FMIL really wants to invite her extended family, bc that's what her family typically does. She's being nice by offering to extend the same invite to my family, but they aren't used to our large Catholic family!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    I would let your FMIL know that inviting extended family means going over capacity at that particular restaurant and ask her to either change the restaurant or to limit the guest list to immediate family members, WP, and SOs. If you have adult cousins coming with their parents, I think that including their parents but not them would not be appropriate. If she's making an issue of how her extended family members have to be invited, then I think she needs to change the restaurant to accommodate everyone, and if she refuses to do that, I'd decline her offer to host the rehearsal dinner.
  • It's really at the only location nearby that would not be ridiculously expensive to host up to 100 people. Would it be okay just not to invite my extended family at all and only my immediate family and wedding party? It's weird to think that FIs extended family will all be there and not mine, but it's not his family's fault that my family is so huge. My FMIL is being very generous about helping us with wedding expenses and I don't want to take advantage of her generosity by making this anymore expensive than it already is.
    Pupatella
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    Yes, it's fine to invite his extended family and not yours. The problem you run into is if people talk and then feelings get hurt. I know some people invite a lot to the rehearsal dinner, but I'm just baffled that she wants to invite her whole family. You will have more people at your rehearsal than I had at my wedding.

    ETA: On second thought, no, I don't think it's ok to invite one side and not the other. I mean, I suppose it's technically ok because it's her party and she can invite who she wants, but it just seems wrong. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Maggie0829Pupatellalc07
  • AddieCake said:
    Yes, it's fine to invite his extended family and not yours. The problem you run into is if people talk and then feelings get hurt. I know some people invite a lot to the rehearsal dinner, but I'm just baffled that she wants to invite her whole family. You will have more people at your rehearsal than I had at my wedding.

    ETA: On second thought, no, I don't think it's ok to invite one side and not the other. I mean, I suppose it's technically ok because it's her party and she can invite who she wants, but it just seems wrong. 

    I'm with Addie. While technically it's not against etiquette, but something about it gives me a weird feeling.
    image
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    Yes, it's fine to invite his extended family and not yours. The problem you run into is if people talk and then feelings get hurt. I know some people invite a lot to the rehearsal dinner, but I'm just baffled that she wants to invite her whole family. You will have more people at your rehearsal than I had at my wedding.

    ETA: On second thought, no, I don't think it's ok to invite one side and not the other. I mean, I suppose it's technically ok because it's her party and she can invite who she wants, but it just seems wrong. 
    When my sister got married her FH family hosted the RD.  For some reason they wanted to invite everyone under the sun from their family to it but they did not want to invite anyone then the necessary people (meaning me and my parents) from my sister's side.  Needless to say this kind of irritated our family.  I know that whoever hosts the RD has final say over the guest list, but seeing as this is a pre-wedding party I think it is kind of shitty to leave one whole family off the guest list.

    So OP, I think you and your FI need to have a conversation with his parents.  You need to let them know how many people will be involved on your side and try to figure out a solution so that you can invite everyone.  Hopefully when your FMIL realizes just how large of a guest list it is going to be then maybe she will concede to not inviting her entire extended family.

    AddieCakePupatella
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    chloe97 said:

    It's really at the only location nearby that would not be ridiculously expensive to host up to 100 people. Would it be okay just not to invite my extended family at all and only my immediate family and wedding party? It's weird to think that FIs extended family will all be there and not mine, but it's not his family's fault that my family is so huge. My FMIL is being very generous about helping us with wedding expenses and I don't want to take advantage of her generosity by making this anymore expensive than it already is.

    Well, if there is no larger venue in your area that can accommodate all of your extended families, then I think you and your FI need to either ask her to limit the guest list to immediate family and wedding party members (and SOs) on both sides or decline your FMIL's offer to host the rehearsal dinner. Your FI might suggest to her that she can still throw a non-wedding-related party for her extended family members.
    AddieCakePupatella
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    How will the bartenders know who is hosted and who isn't? And if I'm your Aunt Addie paying for my own drink next to his Aunt Lucy who doesn't have to pay, I'm raising an eyebrow wondering what's going on. If they were just paying for drinks for like 2 people, no big deal, but it would be 20.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • edited July 2015
    I like what you said about having the RD with just the WP and then if FMIL wants to host casual drinks, a gathering at a home, hotel or something of the sort for her extended family afterwards, then so be it. *Except* I don't think both extended families should be invited nor should you attend if only one family is going to be paid for by FMIL. That's definitely unfair as @AddieCake mentioned.

    Also keep in mind that it's very possible that not everyone invited (in the extended family) will be able to attend the evening before. So your 70 may be cut down drastically (which would alleviate your RD issue).

  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    I like what you said about having the RD with just the WP and then if FMIL wants to host casual drinks, a gathering at a home, hotel or something of the sort for her extended family afterwards, then so be it. *Except* I don't think both extended families should be invited nor should you attend if only one family is going to be paid for by FMIL. That's definitely unfair as @AddieCake mentioned.

    Also keep in mind that it's very possible that not everyone invited (in the extended family) will be able to attend the evening before. So your 70 may be cut down drastically (which would alleviate your RD issue).


    boxesboxesboxesboxesboxes************************************
    This- actually,I did realize last night that I was basing the 130 family+wedding party that were invited and that I didn't need to include the 45+ family members who RSVP'd no to the wedding. Many others have already indicated that they would be visiting friends nearby or doing other things the Friday before, so I think we will be fine in terms of numbers and so we are going with Plan A.

    Anyway,though I much rather a more intimate dinner that served alcohol for my wedding party (the piece that I most upset about), FI is in complete agreement with his mother that family must be there and picked out the venue himself. Alas, I have to let this one go.  Maybe I will just get a few bottles of wine in my suite to host the bridesmaids after dinner to make up for the lack of booze at dinner?

    ETA boxes
  • My parents and I are paying for the wedding, but mostly me.  Pretty much all of our guests are from out of town. I do not have the money to pay for what essentially ends up as a second reception. We are having a small wedding. Our rehearsal dinner will be just our parents and the people involved in the actual ceremony and their spouses...it ends up being about 16-20 people...I am also not paying for a day after brunch...again, because it is not in the budget....but we will try to make a reservation and anyone who wants to come and pay for their own brunch will be welcome to join us. 

    I don't think it's ok to invite one side and not the other. I think that's really rude.  Traditionally, the Groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner, whoever the couple feels they should invite. 

    With so many people in your wedding party, you may want to make the rehearsal dinner just the 2 of you and your parents/siblings...that way no one can talk...consider it a new family bonding experience, because really, how much time do your parents spend together?
  • OP, i'm just wondering if close to 100 people are potentially coming to a Rehearsal Dinner, how many people are invited to your actual wedding?
  • My wedding was last month. We ended up with a 82 people at the RD and 209 at the wedding. We ended up inviting my entire extended family and most came, the room was tight, but we were able to host wine (albeit very cheap wine). This was what H and MIL wanted and eventually I gave in. It was fine. Not what I would've chosen, but the wedding was amazing, so I'm happy.
    spockforprezPupatelladoclago
  • I'm glad it ended up working out well and I'm so happy for you that your wedding was perfect!!  Congratulations! 
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