How to politely say...

lyndausvi · August 2015

movies and restaurants are my hot buttons. I get very annoyed at those locations when I hear screaming kids. Especially if they are not considered family restaurants (i.e. chucky cheese). Working in the hospitality business I find I'm not alone.

Other places it really depends on my own mood. Sure I get mom might be tired from a long day at work and a screaming child, but you do not know how my own day went either. I might have been going through my own stress and your kids screaming for 10 minutes might be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have noise canceling headphones so planes are not an issue for noise. However, if your kid is kicking the back of my chair I NOT going to be happy.

STARMOON44 · August 2015

MrsMack10612 said:

banana468 said:

Sometimes it just isn't that easy - especially when you're the solo parent. Buying groceries at the end of the day often means that those groceries are going to be used that night. Do I parent my kid and tell her to knock it off? You bet. But that doesn't meant hat she always listens.

The worst epic meltdown DD had was going into the shopping cart getting into the store. She cooled her shit after that and I reamed her out. But sometimes she whines in the check out for the candy bar. And you know what? It's a pain in the ass but I'm not abandoning my cart when I need the groceries for dinner that night. Going out and then back in wont' change anything unless the stores stop putting impulse purchases right next to the check out. They should call that area the "I triple dog dare you MOM" section. Because good luck getting through that with a child who sees all the treats without wanting one of them.

I rarely deal with that because DH does the grocery shopping but I do think you need to cut parents some slack when it's a grocery store. It just isn't' realistic to expect them to abandon their shopping cart all the time when the kid is yelling. Will I do that in a restaurant or other space where possible? Absolutely. But it's not so simple to do that when we need the food or prescriptions.

And let's not completely forget that there are special needs kids out there. Sometimes it's easier said than done and a child making a lot of noise may have more issues than a simple tantrum.

I thought I said in an earlier post that I am trying not be as judgemental I was (it's a struggle sometimes) of those screaming kids knowing full well that they could be a child with special needs that can be even less predictable than a non-special needs child. But like Maggie said, it's still just as annoying to listen to.

I still wonder if the stress level that puts on you (and spouse if you are together) and your child(ren) in dealing with shopping, tantrums and all that goes with it, is worth the homecooked meal or are you maybe better offer just going home and ordering a pizza? (FTR, all general in the "you" department). I realize that's not always the ideal solution either, but I'm just thinking in terms in of stress reduction. Sometimes you just need a Plan B.

Hahahahahah. Sure. You're just thinking of the stress reduction. Get a grip. What kind of food palace stores are you at that a fussy child even registered. If kids at a grocery store cause you this much stress you get a pizza.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

lyndausvi said:

movies and restaurants are my hot buttons. I get very annoyed at those locations when I hear screaming kids. Especially if they are not considered family restaurants (i.e. chucky cheese). Working in the hospitality business I find I'm not alone.

Other places it really depends on my own mood. Sure I get mom might be tired from a long day at work and a screaming child, but you do not know how my own day went either. I might have been going through my own stress and your kids screaming for 10 minutes might be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have noise canceling headphones so planes are not an issue for noise. However, if your kid is kicking the back of my chair I NOT going to be happy.

If anyone is kicking the back of my chair I am not happy. I have had many an adult do it so I tend to sit back really hard whenever a kick happens. So yeah if you are 3 or 300 if you kick the back of my chair get ready for it to end up in your knee caps or have your drink spilled over from the seat back tray.

STARMOON44 · August 2015

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

movies and restaurants are my hot buttons. I get very annoyed at those locations when I hear screaming kids. Especially if they are not considered family restaurants (i.e. chucky cheese). Working in the hospitality business I find I'm not alone.

Other places it really depends on my own mood. Sure I get mom might be tired from a long day at work and a screaming child, but you do not know how my own day went either. I might have been going through my own stress and your kids screaming for 10 minutes might be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have noise canceling headphones so planes are not an issue for noise. However, if your kid is kicking the back of my chair I NOT going to be happy.

If anyone is kicking the back of my chair I am not happy. I have had many an adult do it so I tend to sit back really hard whenever a kick happens. So yeah if you are 3 or 300 if you kick the back of my chair get ready for it to end up in your knee caps or have your drink spilled over from the seat back tray.

Really? Before politely turning around and saying "excuse me, could you please not kick my seat?" No need to rudely escalate things.

MrsMack10612 · August 2015

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

Sometimes it just isn't that easy - especially when you're the solo parent. Buying groceries at the end of the day often means that those groceries are going to be used that night. Do I parent my kid and tell her to knock it off? You bet. But that doesn't meant hat she always listens.

The worst epic meltdown DD had was going into the shopping cart getting into the store. She cooled her shit after that and I reamed her out. But sometimes she whines in the check out for the candy bar. And you know what? It's a pain in the ass but I'm not abandoning my cart when I need the groceries for dinner that night. Going out and then back in wont' change anything unless the stores stop putting impulse purchases right next to the check out. They should call that area the "I triple dog dare you MOM" section. Because good luck getting through that with a child who sees all the treats without wanting one of them.

I rarely deal with that because DH does the grocery shopping but I do think you need to cut parents some slack when it's a grocery store. It just isn't' realistic to expect them to abandon their shopping cart all the time when the kid is yelling. Will I do that in a restaurant or other space where possible? Absolutely. But it's not so simple to do that when we need the food or prescriptions.

And let's not completely forget that there are special needs kids out there. Sometimes it's easier said than done and a child making a lot of noise may have more issues than a simple tantrum.

I thought I said in an earlier post that I am trying not be as judgemental I was (it's a struggle sometimes) of those screaming kids knowing full well that they could be a child with special needs that can be even less predictable than a non-special needs child. But like Maggie said, it's still just as annoying to listen to.

I still wonder if the stress level that puts on you (and spouse if you are together) and your child(ren) in dealing with shopping, tantrums and all that goes with it, is worth the homecooked meal or are you maybe better offer just going home and ordering a pizza? (FTR, all general in the "you" department). I realize that's not always the ideal solution either, but I'm just thinking in terms in of stress reduction. Sometimes you just need a Plan B.
Hahahahahah. Sure. You're just thinking of the stress reduction. Get a grip. What kind of food palace stores are you at that a fussy child even registered. If kids at a grocery store cause you this much stress you get a pizza.

Not my stress reduction, the parents. Screaming children don't cause me stress, they cause me irritation. But I have been in the situation where the screaming child I was caring for was causing me stress in the store, so I removed us all from the situation.

banana468 · August 2015

Starting when DD turned 2.5 I would periodically turn to DH and say, I am putting myself in time out. It was his way of knowing that I was DONE with her. She'd ceased listening and I'd ceased reasoning. The next step was that I was going to do something I regretted so I removed myself from the situation.

I tell people that I have known my husband since we were 18 and we started dating at 24. We didn't have kids until 30 and I didn't hear his voice reach full potential until DD was 2.5 years old. I love her to pieces. But sometimes I wanted her IN pieces.

MrsMack10612 · August 2015

Parenting is not easy. I and all the other non-parents here can Monday Morning Quarterback what we would do and how we would handle these situations all we want, but we really don't know.

I have had a lot of time with my niece & nephew when they were ages 0-10 and was a 3rd parent at times, given full parent authority over them. I have had experience with the screaming baby, the two year old meltdown and the 5 year old tantrum. I know how I handled it then as I have described in a couple posts.

I sympathize that it's not easy to be "that parent with that kid" in stores, theatres, restaurants or church. All I really ask is a reasonable effort calm the child or remove them from the situation. It's the parents that don't make the effort that give the rest a bad name.

Heffalump · August 2015

luckya23 said:

loveislouder said:

MrsMack10612 said:

I don't expect children to be perfect. I have enough experience with the children in my family at all ages that children and their moods are unpredictable. To me this is all about the parents who don't consider those around them in that situation. Too often I see what appears to parents (church or other location) who seem to tune out the fussing and crying and tantrums and do not seem to make even the slightest effort to calm the child. I wish I was stretching the truth, but I have seen this.

As I said early, I'm not really a proponent of the seen and not heard theory, to me the way I interpret it has to do with how I was brought up with the concept of adult space. Not all places & situations are child friendly. I can remember, we would go visit my paternal grandparents. They had a tall chest of drawers in their living room. The bottom drawer contained toys for the grandkids. When we got to the house, you said your hellos, maybe got a glass of milk and a cookie and then found something to play with out of the drawer. You then played quietly while the grown ups talked. If you didn't want to play, you sat quietly on the lap (or next to) one of the adults while they continued to talk. You didn't pester, you didn't nudge, you didn't whine.

I hear stories from PPs about their friends children who are permitted to run rampant in their non-kid friendly, non-kid proofed homes with parents who don't do anything or get pissy when you tell their child not to do something.

Perhaps my parents were strict in their expectations, but I would rather have that then the above.

I'm not a parent, so take what I say wit ha grain of salt. H and I have talked about our potential parenting skills when/if we actually have a child. We've agreed that if our kid is screaming at the grocery store because they want a chocolate bar that we're not prepared to buy for them, we're going to let them scream about it. We've told you no, you're not getting it and a temper tantrum isn't going to get us to give in. If that means you scream for 10 minutes while I finish my shopping, that's what has to happen.

I was in a grocery store and the store manager went up to a screaming kid and gave him the chocolate bar he wanted and the mom was pissed, and I would have been too.

Sounds pretty selfish to me. I would think you would take the kid home and try again later - ideally without Junior.
This attitude is EXACTLY what we were talking about - parents being oblivious to how irritating they are to those around them.

I've done this. DS was mad for...IDK, reasons last week, and nothing would stop him from mad-crying in the middle of Costco. So we left. (DD was disappointed because I was not about to wait in line with a screaming toddler for the multipack of socks she wanted, so I got to walk out with zero items from my list and two screaming kids. It was stellar.)

Saturday night, same kid got way too wound up at a restaurant. They brought both kids' meals with DH's and my salads, and by the time we were 2/3 done with the salads, DH and I just knew it was a lost cause. Had them box up our entrees and bring the check, and we ended up eating them two hours later when both kids were asleep.

It sucks, but sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix the situation, and you just have to bail.

themosthappy91 · August 2015

My mom also raised us (me and my brother) with the attitude of- if you start throwing a fit in public, we are leaving immediately, no questions asked. According to her, it took each of us about two times of doing that before we learned it wasn't going to fly and we were going to be in serious trouble when we got home, and after that we never did it again.

Obviously that's just anecdotal and maybe other kids wouldn't get the message that quickly, but I feel like it's important to take swift and drastic (in the sense of like, we are leaving the store right now, buying nothing and going home) action for the kid to stop doing it long term.

Like, what's he/she going to take away from the experience of throwing a tantrum if the mom or dad just tunes them out and continues dragging them along through the store? Sure the kid won't get the treat or whatever, but they also learn they can get away with making a huge scene- and I'm sure they sense you are uncomfortable the whole time, which is the response they are going to keep looking for and pushing to the limit in future tantrums.

monkeysip · August 2015

H and I definitely don't let DD just cry and cry when we're out. We try whatever we can first to calm her, then if it doesn't work, we leave (as soon as reasonably possibly--if I'm IN LINE at the store, then sorry, I'm not leaving the line, I just try to check out as quickly as possible). But you at least need to give me a couple minutes to try to calm her down because chances are, I'm going to be able to do it. A lot of times, she just wants to be picked up or something. Problem solved.

It's not like I can teach her a lesson at this age... she's only a year old. She doesn't "learn" that if she cries we leave. That also doesn't work well at church because children may WANT to leave church. That sends the wrong message to them, lol.

^ I don't know why I'm in a weird box....

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

Liatris2010 said:

The grocery store and a restaurant are two totally different situations. While I don't appreciate a screaming toddler anywhere, in a grocery store it is not ruining my ability to shop and in a restaurant it is ruining my ability to enjoy dinner. Leave your kid sobbing in the candy aisle if you must, but take the kid out of the restaurant.
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THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

Do I want to hear your kid scream while I am trying to remember those last 3 things I meant to add to my list but forgot? No, but I can still get my shopping done and the amount of $ I spent on the food that comes home with me will still be worth it.

If your kid is screaming while I am trying to enjoy my adult time with my friends at brunch, it is going to make the time and $$ that went into that brunch feel wasted. Why? because it was something that was supposed to be enjoyable, but thanks to you thinking that your baby belongs at brunch, it was not.

monkeysip · August 2015

TheCheeseWench said:

Liatris2010 said:

The grocery store and a restaurant are two totally different situations. While I don't appreciate a screaming toddler anywhere, in a grocery store it is not ruining my ability to shop and in a restaurant it is ruining my ability to enjoy dinner. Leave your kid sobbing in the candy aisle if you must, but take the kid out of the restaurant.
**********************************************************************************************

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

Do I want to hear your kid scream while I am trying to remember those last 3 things I meant to add to my list but forgot? No, but I can still get my shopping done and the amount of $ I spent on the food that comes home with me will still be worth it.

If your kid is screaming while I am trying to enjoy my adult time with my friends at brunch, it is going to make the time and $$ that went into that brunch feel wasted. Why? because it was something that was supposed to be enjoyable, but thanks to you thinking that your baby belongs at brunch, it was not.

It may have just been a fluke. DD is actually pretty good in restaurants. Up until around 9 months, she was an ANGEL in restaurants. I think its hard for parents to judge sometimes whether they should take their child to a particular restaurant or not. Sometimes a normally good baby has a bad day. At her age now, I would stay away from a fancy restaurant (because I know people expect a nice quiet evening there), but I am always unsure about medium-level restaurants. She's USUALLY good, but once in a while she gets fussy.

But I do agree that A) you should ask if its ok if your child comes to brunch and B ) take them out if they're crying a lot.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

themosthappy91 said:

My mom also raised us (me and my brother) with the attitude of- if you start throwing a fit in public, we are leaving immediately, no questions asked. According to her, it took each of us about two times of doing that before we learned it wasn't going to fly and we were going to be in serious trouble when we got home, and after that we never did it again.

Obviously that's just anecdotal and maybe other kids wouldn't get the message that quickly, but I feel like it's important to take swift and drastic (in the sense of like, we are leaving the store right now, buying nothing and going home) action for the kid to stop doing it long term.

Like, what's he/she going to take away from the experience of throwing a tantrum if the mom or dad just tunes them out and continues dragging them along through the store? Sure the kid won't get the treat or whatever, but they also learn they can get away with making a huge scene- and I'm sure they sense you are uncomfortable the whole time, which is the response they are going to keep looking for and pushing to the limit in future tantrums.

My mom had the same philosophy. She says I reacted the same way. About two public tantrums, and done. My younger brother, on the other hand, did not get the message. I remember abandoning our grocery cart because he just couldn't pull it together on the semi-regular.

She never let him just break down in public, but I think my poor mom went for years without knowing whether a grocery trip would end in success.

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