Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Snarky Brides
Snarky Brides
New Discussion
Options

Guest Snark.. Am I wrong?

libride2015libride2015 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Snarky Brides
So one of my BM's is married - and her husband cannot attend the wedding. He is in the military and cannot get off, sad for us, we wish he could come.

I got her RSVP back in the mail yesterday and there was some random name next to hers, and the total in attendance was 2. I texted her with a "haha" and she said "but I am serious he is DH friend, etc. and will be a good time."

Is this ok? The invitation did not say BM and guest. It says Mr. and Mrs....

I am a little annoyed - it would be one thing if she didnt know anyone at the wedding and wanted someone to come along with her. But the fact of the matter is - she knows almost all 300 guests..

Am I totally out of line with being annoyed? Give it to me straight. 
Report Reply to Post

Re: Guest Snark.. Am I wrong?

  • Options
    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Is it a little annoying that she assumed she could bring someone else just because her H can't make it?  Sure.  But I also think your response was not very nice either.  You responded with "haha."  Really?

    But she is your friend, and must be a very good one seeing that you asked her to be a BM, so I would have extended her the offer to bring someone else in place of her H, regardless of if she will know your 300 guests or not.  Sometimes some people feel more comfortable when they can bring a date/friend to an event then attend alone.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    libride2015libride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    The reason I said "haha" i should have been more clear - was because I thought she was kidding. The name is a funny name one you would put somewhere if you didnt want to put your real name, so I took a picture of the RSVP and placed "haha"... 

    I didnt think the name was real.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    laurad75laurad75 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    It was inappropriate for her to assume she could replace her husband with a random plus 1 so yes its annoying.  

    That being said, she is one of your BMs so obviously a good friend.  You can call her out and then there will be some tension and possibly some drama.  On the other hand you can sympathize with her situation and let it go.  That's what I would do.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    peachy13peachy13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    One of my bridesmaids was almost in this same situation where her H was possibly not going to be able to attend my wedding for military reasons, and I told my bridesmaid in advance that if he couldn't attend, she was welcome to bring someone else (like her sister who lives nearby, etc.). But if I hadn't said that and she just automatically assumed she could bring someone else I probably would have been just surprised as you were, though I can't imagine I'd be really annoyed. Then again, this bridesmaid doesn't really know many people at my wedding whereas yours knows everyone!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


    Report Reply
  • Options
    TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    I had one guest RSVP with a random +1 since her SO will be working offshore. She is local to the area, while we (and most of the guests) are not so she is unlikely to know anyone. I was glad she has someone to attend with her. In my case it wouldn't really have mattered much since all adult guests were invited to bring a date, but I can see how it would be annoying. As said by PP, since she is your bridesmaid I would let it go.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm one of those people who didn't care if there was a substitute guest.   Sure she should not have assumed, but I just wanted my guests comfortable.

     






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    One of FI's friends did that... her husband had to work so she RSVP'd with a friend.  And their 2 year old kid.  But yeah, in the end, she only knows one other couple that's coming and we were nowhere near our max amount of guests, so while I was a bit annoyed, it's definitely not a hill to die on whatsoever.
    Married 9.12.15
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    libride2015libride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    julieanne912 what are you doing when they reply with kids? We decided no children under 13 - but didnt specify, just didnt put their names on the envelope. 

    I am worried people are going to bring their kids. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    libride2015 said:
    julieanne912 what are you doing when they reply with kids? We decided no children under 13 - but didnt specify, just didnt put their names on the envelope. 

    I am worried people are going to bring their kids. 
    Please tell me you are not splitting up families with this rule, that is a huge no-no.
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    libride2015libride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    No. Im not. But if you have a five year old child. and thats it. That child is not invited.


    Report Reply
  • Options
    justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    libride2015 said:
    No. Im not. But if you have a five year old child. and thats it. That child is not invited.


    That's fine, that isn't what I meant by "splitting up families". It's meant that if a family had a 15 year old and a 10 year old both would need to be invited or none at all, not just the 15 year old and not the 10 year old. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    libride2015libride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yeah i get it. We didnt do that. 

    But i am worried with some people they will just assume. 

    My FI's friend has a wife and a 5 year old kid, he is a menace and they do not pay attention to him. 
    He wasnt on the invitaiton but what if they RSVP with 3 attending?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    libride2015 said:
    Yeah i get it. We didnt do that. 

    But i am worried with some people they will just assume. 

    My FI's friend has a wife and a 5 year old kid, he is a menace and they do not pay attention to him. 
    He wasnt on the invitaiton but what if they RSVP with 3 attending?
    Then you call them up and say "Hey, sorry if there was any confusion, but the invite was only for you and your H.  We aren't able to accommodate Little Timmy."

    Report Reply
  • Options
    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    A few of my BM's who have spouses that couldn't come asked if they could invite a friend instead. In our case it was fine, but maybe suggest them coming after dinner? That way some unknown isn't uncomfortable. That's what we suggested.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    libride2015libride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Ya - I mean he is coming from out of state. The entire thing is just bizzare to me (i am sorry if some of you dont agree) I am just going to let it go but it doesnt mean I am not annoyed - I feel like being a BM - during the ceremony and alot of cocktail hour he is going to be alone and know no one...

    I kinda feel bad for him in that sense. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MissKittyDanger said:
    A few of my BM's who have spouses that couldn't come asked if they could invite a friend instead. In our case it was fine, but maybe suggest them coming after dinner? That way some unknown isn't uncomfortable. That's what we suggested.
    Were their +1's only invited to the later part of the reception, and not the ceremony? That's how this sounds, but I want to clarify...
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    CElizabeth419 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    A few of my BM's who have spouses that couldn't come asked if they could invite a friend instead. In our case it was fine, but maybe suggest them coming after dinner? That way some unknown isn't uncomfortable. That's what we suggested.
    Were their +1's only invited to the later part of the reception, and not the ceremony? That's how this sounds, but I want to clarify...
    Their spouse's were invited to both, but had said 'no' when they asked if their friend could come. I suggested the 'friend' come after dinner for the sake of keeping them from feeling uncomfortable. They were all fine with that, as my BM understood the person knew no one except them at the wedding and wouldn't be able to socialize much until after dinner.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Knottie80779227Knottie80779227 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    libride2015 said:
    Ya - I mean he is coming from out of state. The entire thing is just bizzare to me (i am sorry if some of you dont agree) I am just going to let it go but it doesnt mean I am not annoyed - I feel like being a BM - during the ceremony and alot of cocktail hour he is going to be alone and know no one...

    I kinda feel bad for him in that sense. 
    Don't overthink this. Her date for the evening I'm sure is aware that she is a BM and will be able to stand and make small talk while she is snapping a few pictures with the rest of the bridal party and so on. If she is confident enough to think he will be a good date while her husband is overseas, just trust her. Grown ups don't need babysat during cocktail hours, so you don't need to feel bad for him or even worry for that matter. If there was a chance he thought he'd be uncomfortable, he wouldn't have agreed to come with your BM in the first place.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    MissKittyDanger said:
    CElizabeth419 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    A few of my BM's who have spouses that couldn't come asked if they could invite a friend instead. In our case it was fine, but maybe suggest them coming after dinner? That way some unknown isn't uncomfortable. That's what we suggested.
    Were their +1's only invited to the later part of the reception, and not the ceremony? That's how this sounds, but I want to clarify...
    Their spouse's were invited to both, but had said 'no' when they asked if their friend could come. I suggested the 'friend' come after dinner for the sake of keeping them from feeling uncomfortable. They were all fine with that, as my BM understood the person knew no one except them at the wedding and wouldn't be able to socialize much until after dinner.
    But why keep them from dinner?  I mean the only time they would have to socialize by themselves would be cocktail hour and then they would be sitting next to the BM who brought them during dinner.

    I mean, even me, who is a wallflower when I don't know people, would be able to handle sitting through a ceremony and snacking on food and drink during cocktail hour until my "date" was done with pictures and we could chit chat during dinner.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    MissKittyDanger said:
    CElizabeth419 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    A few of my BM's who have spouses that couldn't come asked if they could invite a friend instead. In our case it was fine, but maybe suggest them coming after dinner? That way some unknown isn't uncomfortable. That's what we suggested.
    Were their +1's only invited to the later part of the reception, and not the ceremony? That's how this sounds, but I want to clarify...
    Their spouse's were invited to both, but had said 'no' when they asked if their friend could come. I suggested the 'friend' come after dinner for the sake of keeping them from feeling uncomfortable. They were all fine with that, as my BM understood the person knew no one except them at the wedding and wouldn't be able to socialize much until after dinner.
    This seems really rude to me. Sure you can have a friend come but they can't eat with you. You already budgeted for 2 people so why not let them bring someone? Anyone whose SO couldn't make it we told they could bring someone else if they'd like. Some are taking us up on that others are not.

    That being said if someone just RSVP'd for someone else I'd be a little confused at first (especially if it looked like a made up name) but not upset.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    anjemonanjemon member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    I was annoyed. He was a friend of H's and his wife couldn't make it. So he RSVP'd with some other person (who I believe was his cousin). His parents came to the wedding and he knew a bunch of H's college friends so it wasn't like he was alone. I let it go, but obviously I haven't really forgotten.

    So I understand being annoyed. But I think you should do what you're planning and just let it go. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    libride2015 said:
    julieanne912 what are you doing when they reply with kids? We decided no children under 13 - but didnt specify, just didnt put their names on the envelope. 

    I am worried people are going to bring their kids. 
    We didn't have a kid free wedding (wedding was yesterday), so if anybody added their kids in (only a few did), we just went with it.  We didn't invite all kids though... we mainly invited the kids we actually have met before.  

    Funnily enough, the girl who removed her husband and added her friend and kid, ended up being a no show despite the yes RSVP.  
    Married 9.12.15
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment

    I know everyone is different, but for me I don't totally understand the issue with someone bringing a different person than on the invitation if that person cannot attend.

    We budgeted for everyone to bring a +1 and are planning on everyone attending (until we get final numbers). So you are already anticipating for someone to take that seat, 300+ or not (which is what we are anticipating). I can see an "that's odd" reaction but not being mad since you should have already budgeted for that seat to be taken. (if that makes sense.. haha)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    PitaPata Dog tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    dreamsinpink said:

    I know everyone is different, but for me I don't totally understand the issue with someone bringing a different person than on the invitation if that person cannot attend.

    We budgeted for everyone to bring a +1 and are planning on everyone attending (until we get final numbers). So you are already anticipating for someone to take that seat, 300+ or not (which is what we are anticipating). I can see an "that's odd" reaction but not being mad since you should have already budgeted for that seat to be taken. (if that makes sense.. haha)

    It's not just about budget. There are people I wouldn't want at my wedding....I would probably be cool with most of my guests replacing their +1, but if want to know who they were bringing (particularly for friends...there may be a reason that mutual friend/acquaintance didn't make the cut for invites). I think it's nice to at least be asked, even if it's clearly fine.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Also forgot to add, one of the dates of a friend we invited ended up being an AWESOME guest despite the fact we didn't know her at all.  She was super nice, and tore up the dance floor.  So yeah, random plus ones aren't always a bad thing :)
    Married 9.12.15
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    dramamonkeydramamonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    julieanne912 said:

    Also forgot to add, one of the dates of a friend we invited ended up being an AWESOME guest despite the fact we didn't know her at all.  She was super nice, and tore up the dance floor.  So yeah, random plus ones aren't always a bad thing :)

    My little brother (who was a GM) brought a random date and she was awesome. I'd never met her before, but she was super cool and danced all night.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HappyAnjelHappyAnjel member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    Julieanne912- First of all congratulations! Second isn't that annoying? I had a friend who added two sisters, their boyfriends and wrote "and date" on her RSVP ( so 5 extra people).. I just let it go as I know it would have been a blow out if i hadn't. She came with one sister, no dates. My moms friend added her grown daughter and her boyfriend to her invite- she asked me and I said no.. But apparently my mom told her it was fine anyway.. They never showed either. And my uncle added his granddaughter instead of his wife.. It was kid free wedding.. But at least he showed up!
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards