So a bit of background - my fiancé and I have been together for years. At this point we have been engaged for over a year as well. I work in Event Design. I'm incredibly close to my parents (who are paying for almost everything - and what they are not paying for, I am) and am not someone who really needs a lot of help given my background in planning and design. My fiancé is really close to his dad and he loves his mom but he doesn't spend much time with her because their personalities sort of clash.
I understand that my FMIL wants to be involved, and I have tried to include her in things such as offering to go shopping for her dress with her, showing her the invitations I designed, making sure she got a Save The Date long before they were sent out, kept her updated on all the details of the wedding and even helped her pick a song for the Mother/Son dance (something she was very excited about that we weren't initially planning on, so I asked my groom to do this with her) - but she has been judgmental about the things I have chosen so far ("you really like that? I guess times have changed...", "oh, that's it? I thought it would be bigger." - that kind of thing), has tried to "buy a table" for people we have never met (my groom and I divided our guest list in half and I told him it was his choice to give some invites to his parents for them to choose, which he did not opt to do beyond certain family members), and frequently shows up with things from her wedding and gives them to us and is rather aggressive in trying to guilt us into using them (despite them not being our taste or family heirlooms - which I obviously would include out of respect) and tries to invite herself to things that my mother and I or my bridesmaids and I are doing. She got very upset when I didn't ask his sister to be a bridesmaid (she lives out of state and we aren't close, I couldn't even have all of my closest friends in my wedding party because we are keeping it semi-small) and immediately called my fiancé (who was the one who said he was fine with my not asking his sister initially) and gave him an earful about how that wasn't right and his sister should be one. He had my back, thankfully! My FMIL has also made comments about my parents that are not necessarily diplomatic and seems very competitive with them. I know that with two different families you will have different personalities and not everyone is going to be close. My parents both like my future father in law a lot, but have overheard some of the remarks my FMIL has made and have given her some distance after that. Everyone is nice and civil to each other, but my FMIL really wants to be very close to my parents, which is probably never going to happen.
I'm an only child, so this is hopefully the one time my mom will get to do this. I have loved having her input, but even she has watched me plan things and then come to her with a finished product. My fiancé has a sister and she is in a serious relationship, probably close to getting married herself - so his mother will get to have this experience with her daughter. When my fiancé mentioned this to her she replied that she doesn't think her daughter will let her help, which my fiancé told her was not MY fault.
I have made sure to keep his mother updated on what's going on, incorporated the things she has given us that I can make room for, show her pictures and designs and talk to her about the wedding, but she has very dramatically (and repeatedly) proclaimed that she is being excluded and that the groom's mother should be a bigger part of the wedding. My fiancé and his father both told her that she's overreacting and not being excluded, but she keeps making comments about it and incorporating it into all the things we're sharing with her.
Am I being selfish here? Any ideas on things I can include my FMIL in that won't disrupt the wedding my fiancé and I have been planning?