Catholic vs. Greek Orthodox/ Orthodox Wedding Ceremony

Knottie1437272742 · November 2015

I am newly engaged and I've already run into my first road bump. I am Greek Orthodox and my Fiance is Catholic. Personally my family did not go to church much but my father's side of the family is all very Greek (think my big fat greek wedding) and he grew up in the church. Although he didn't attend services regularly he did attend a lot of events, coach church basketball teams, etc.

My Fiance on the other hand does attend church regularly and so does his family.

I'm having a hard time as my Dad is really adament about baptizing the future children Greek, and keeps saying my Fiance wouldn't have to give much up because the religions themselves are very similar. But I do feel like I would be asking him to give a lot up to practice his religon in a differnt church.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? It's really not just about the wedding as raising children in one church or the other and the opportunities they are provided in either church.

OliveOilsMom · November 2015

Knottie1437272742 said:

I am newly engaged and I've already run into my first road bump. I am Greek Orthodox and my Fiance is Catholic. Personally my family did not go to church much but my father's side of the family is all very Greek (think my big fat greek wedding) and he grew up in the church. Although he didn't attend services regularly he did attend a lot of events, coach church basketball teams, etc.

My Fiance on the other hand does attend church regularly and so does his family.

I'm having a hard time as my Dad is really adament about baptizing the future children Greek, and keeps saying my Fiance wouldn't have to give much up because the religions themselves are very similar. But I do feel like I would be asking him to give a lot up to practice his religon in a differnt church.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? It's really not just about the wedding as raising children in one church or the other and the opportunities they are provided in either church.

While you should respect your father's opinion, you should be more concerned with your FI's opinion on this subject.

My advice would be to speak with a Catholic priest about this. The priest can guide you on how to navigate this issue. Yes, the religions are similar, but your practicing Catholic FI WILL be giving up a lot of things if he is not married in the Catholic Church, namely, receiving Communion - which is a huge tenet of our faith.

If I were you, I would be shutting my father down quick about this. Your FI regularly practices his faith and your father does not. That alone should show you that your FI is much more serious about his religious faith than your father. So why would you force your FI to give up his active religious beliefs for your father's non-active faith that is probably being influenced by guilt on his part. You also do not need to convert to Catholicism to marry your FI in the Church.

justsie · November 2015

I agree with PP, this is something you and your FI should be discussing, not you and your Father.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

Agree with OliveOilsMom. This needs to be a decision between you & your FI. I strongly encourage you to do some marriage prep and work with someone to help you and FI establish healthy boundaries with families. One of the toughest parts of a new marriage (at least for me) is adjusting to your in-laws.

Good luck!

frenchiekin · November 2015

This is 100% something you and your FI need to work out before you take any further steps in planning the wedding. Like you said, this goes far beyond the wedding - it's about how you will live your lives together and raise your children. This is not about your father and he should not have a say in how your FI chooses to handle his own faith, as a grown adult.

I think you and FI need to really sit down together and discuss what each of you wants as far as how faith will play a role in your new life together. This needs to be workable for both of you. You should respect your father's feelings on this of course, but your FI's are more important and should be the deciding factor together with yours.

Jen4948 · November 2015

You and your FI definitely need to get on the same page about what religious faith and traditions you are going to follow, not just for your wedding but throughout your marriage.

You also need to make clear to your father that your decisions, whatever they are, are for you and your FI, and only the two of you, to make. This is one area of your wedding and your lives where your father is not entitled to a say. It's not up to him how much, if anything, your FI had to "give up" and given that he is not very observant religiously, while your FI is, it is hypocritical of your father to make any such observation or demand that your FI raise his children in a faith other than his own just because your father wants it.

Edited to add: if financial contributions or other participation on your father's part depends on his getting his way on religious issues, plan to pay for everything yourself and be prepared for your father to refuse to participate.

JediElizabeth · November 2015

Jen4948 said:

You and your FI definitely need to get on the same page about what religious faith and traditions you are going to follow, not just for your wedding but throughout your marriage. You also need to make clear to your father that your decisions, whatever they are, are for you and your FI, and only the two of you, to make. This is one area of your wedding and your lives where your father is not entitled to a say. It's not up to him how much, if anything, your FI had to "give up" and given that he is not very observant religiously, while your FI is, it is hypocritical of your father to make any such observation or demand that your FI raise his children in a faith other than his own just because your father wants it. Edited to add: if financial contributions or other participation on your father's part depends on his getting his way on religious issues, plan to pay for everything yourself and be prepared for your father to refuse to participate.

This.

We usually say those who pay get to have a say. In this case, if he tries to hold his financial contribution over your head in order to have a say in the religion/religiosity of the ceremony, I think you should decline his money altogether. Religion is a very personal matter, and it has far-reaching consequences in your whole marriage, not just your wedding day.

Your father shouldn't have a say in this. This is your and your fiance's marriage, not his. You two are the only ones who should determine the religion that impacts it.

nerdwife · November 2015

I understand the problem you're having generally, as FI and I are different religions and my mom, though she isn't practicing outside of celebrating holidays, likes to bring up questions about this. Neither FI nor I are religious (in fact, we're both atheists), but we do observe religion in a cultural way (i.e., celebrate holidays, get together with family, etc.) and were active in our religions throughout our childhood and young adulthood.

We've decided to have a non-denominational ceremony because that feels right for us. Throughout wedding planning, my mom has repeatedly tried to convince me to put religious things into our ceremony (such as the breaking of the glass) and reception (like the horah). While I'm not per se against these things, the thing I keep telling her - and what you need to tell your dad - is that these decision are between FI and me only. That's it.

She doesn't love it, but I just repeat myself. I explain to her that I know where she's coming from and I have nothing against the traditions themselves, but there's no way I will make any of these decisions without FI. I tell her that I would never want FI or his family to be uncomfortable at a wedding that is half his/theirs, and it would be unreasonable of me to to convince him to do something because my mom likes it.

The same is true about raising kids. FI is open to raising kids my religion, and we may very well do that, but if we do, it will because FI is totally comfortable and happy with that and not because my mom wants us to. We have always had an open discussion about all of this - being different religions can be difficult in a relationship, and we wanted to make sure we didn't struggle with the issue. It of course helps that neither of us are religious, and that the main things we're looking for out of religion/religious education and engagement for our children are the same (things like generosity, community, etc.). So I'd sit down with FI and try to figure those things out. It certainly went a long way for us.

I understand that you don't want to upset your dad, but he has to learn that now you and FI make decisions, not you and him. The only way to sort all of this out is to start a conversation - one that won't be over an hour, but will probably evolve with you as you move forward - with FI about it, and let your dad know that that's the way your life works now. Be direct - "Dad, I love you and I know this is important to you, but I'm working on building a life with FI, so this is a big decision that we need to make for ourselves. Please respect that." It might not take right away, but hopefully he'll get it eventually.

Good luck!

Ghostie625 · November 2015

I am in the exact same position as you, except I am Catholic and FI is GO. I attend church pretty regularly and FI does not. We are actually having two wedding ceremonies. Our "real" ceremony on our wedding day will be in the Catholic church, then a month or two later we plan to have a small ceremony in the Greek church so that our marriage is recognized by both churches.
Which religion we plan to raise our children is something we're still discussing, so I can't offer much help there. But you have to decide based on what is right for you and FI, not your parents. One thing to think about is if one of you will be more likely to actually take your kids to church regularly than the other and actively practice that faith. (I would find it unfair if one person insisted in baptizing the kids in their faith but then didn't make an effort to take them to church, KWIM?)
Also, FWIW the Catholic church recognizes all Christian baptisms and you don't have to be baptized Catholic to be married in the Catholic church (as long as the other person is Catholic.)
I would spend some time talking to your FI about what aspects of your faiths are most important to you and what faith experiences you want for your children. I would also attend mass in each other's church a few times and both educate yourselves more about the other person's faith.
Good luck!

MobKaz · November 2015

DC625 said:

I am in the exact same position as you, except I am Catholic and FI is GO. I attend church pretty regularly and FI does not. We are actually having two wedding ceremonies. Our "real" ceremony on our wedding day will be in the Catholic church, then a month or two later we plan to have a small ceremony in the Greek church so that our marriage is recognized by both churches. Which religion we plan to raise our children is something we're still discussing, so I can't offer much help there. But you have to decide based on what is right for you and FI, not your parents. One thing to think about is if one of you will be more likely to actually take your kids to church regularly than the other and actively practice that faith. (I would find it unfair if one person insisted in baptizing the kids in their faith but then didn't make an effort to take them to church, KWIM?) Also, FWIW the Catholic church recognizes all Christian baptisms and you don't have to be baptized Catholic to be married in the Catholic church (as long as the other person is Catholic.) I would spend some time talking to your FI about what aspects of your faiths are most important to you and what faith experiences you want for your children. I would also attend mass in each other's church a few times and both educate yourselves more about the other person's faith. Good luck!

@DC625, you have things backwards. When you marry in the Catholic faith, you PROMISE in your vows to raise any children in the Catholic faith. That decision needs to be made prior to this "real" ceremony, as you do not want to start your married life lying to a priest.

MobKaz · November 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

Knottie1437272742 said:

I am newly engaged and I've already run into my first road bump. I am Greek Orthodox and my Fiance is Catholic. Personally my family did not go to church much but my father's side of the family is all very Greek (think my big fat greek wedding) and he grew up in the church. Although he didn't attend services regularly he did attend a lot of events, coach church basketball teams, etc.

My Fiance on the other hand does attend church regularly and so does his family.

I'm having a hard time as my Dad is really adament about baptizing the future children Greek, and keeps saying my Fiance wouldn't have to give much up because the religions themselves are very similar. But I do feel like I would be asking him to give a lot up to practice his religon in a differnt church.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? It's really not just about the wedding as raising children in one church or the other and the opportunities they are provided in either church.

While you should respect your father's opinion, you should be more concerned with your FI's opinion on this subject.
My advice would be to speak with a Catholic priest about this. The priest can guide you on how to navigate this issue. Yes, the religions are similar, but your practicing Catholic FI WILL be giving up a lot of things if he is not married in the Catholic Church, namely, receiving Communion - which is a huge tenet of our faith.
If I were you, I would be shutting my father down quick about this. Your FI regularly practices his faith and your father does not. That alone should show you that your FI is much more serious about his religious faith than your father. So why would you force your FI to give up his active religious beliefs for your father's non-active faith that is probably being influenced by guilt on his part. You also do not need to convert to Catholicism to marry your FI in the Church.

Everything that @OliveOilsMom said, with an extra dash of shut dad down. Not his kids, not his decision.

CMGragain · November 2015

DC625 said:

I am in the exact same position as you, except I am Catholic and FI is GO. I attend church pretty regularly and FI does not. We are actually having two wedding ceremonies. Our "real" ceremony on our wedding day will be in the Catholic church, then a month or two later we plan to have a small ceremony in the Greek church so that our marriage is recognized by both churches. Which religion we plan to raise our children is something we're still discussing, so I can't offer much help there. But you have to decide based on what is right for you and FI, not your parents. One thing to think about is if one of you will be more likely to actually take your kids to church regularly than the other and actively practice that faith. (I would find it unfair if one person insisted in baptizing the kids in their faith but then didn't make an effort to take them to church, KWIM?) Also, FWIW the Catholic church recognizes all Christian baptisms and you don't have to be baptized Catholic to be married in the Catholic church (as long as the other person is Catholic.) I would spend some time talking to your FI about what aspects of your faiths are most important to you and what faith experiences you want for your children. I would also attend mass in each other's church a few times and both educate yourselves more about the other person's faith. Good luck!

I have seen marriages fail because the couple did not discuss and decide this issue before they married. You need religious counseling! Talk to your priest NOW!
The Catholic Church does not permit persons who have not been baptized Catholic to partake in the Mass.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

CMGragain said:

DC625 said:

I am in the exact same position as you, except I am Catholic and FI is GO. I attend church pretty regularly and FI does not. We are actually having two wedding ceremonies. Our "real" ceremony on our wedding day will be in the Catholic church, then a month or two later we plan to have a small ceremony in the Greek church so that our marriage is recognized by both churches.
Which religion we plan to raise our children is something we're still discussing, so I can't offer much help there. But you have to decide based on what is right for you and FI, not your parents. One thing to think about is if one of you will be more likely to actually take your kids to church regularly than the other and actively practice that faith. (I would find it unfair if one person insisted in baptizing the kids in their faith but then didn't make an effort to take them to church, KWIM?)
Also, FWIW the Catholic church recognizes all Christian baptisms and you don't have to be baptized Catholic to be married in the Catholic church (as long as the other person is Catholic.)
I would spend some time talking to your FI about what aspects of your faiths are most important to you and what faith experiences you want for your children. I would also attend mass in each other's church a few times and both educate yourselves more about the other person's faith.
Good luck!

I have seen marriages fail because the couple did not discuss and decide this issue before they married. You need religious counseling! Talk to your priest NOW!
The Catholic Church does not permit persons who have not been baptized Catholic to partake in the Mass.

That's not completely accurate. If an adult is baptized in another Christian faith and wants to become Catholic, they can go through the RCIA program. At that point, they will be confirmed and receive their first Communion. Since the Catholic church recognizes other Christian baptisms, they would not be re-baptized. But a person needs to go through formation to receive Eucharist.

CMGragain · November 2015

Thank you, HG.

banana468 · November 2015

I'd definitely talk to your clergy. I know of a couple where the groom is Russian Orthodox and the bride is Roman Catholic and they made it work but there was a LOT of discussion to make it possible.

Ghostie625 · November 2015

Appreciate the concern, ladies. We are in the process of discussing these issues because we know how important it is to be in agreement. While FI has always assumed he would raise his kids in the GO church (before he fell in love with a Catholic girl, anyway) he's accepting of having our kids be Catholic b/c, as previously mentioned, I practice my faith more actively than he does. His big concerts are that his GO family can still be godparents (which is fine since only one godparent has to be Catholic) and that the kids would still have exposure to the Greek church and occasionally attend masses there. I am fully supportive of these things.
And as far as participating in masses we've been told that he is allowed to receive communion in the Catholic Church. (I guess because the Greek church also celebrates communion it makes it ok? Not really sure of the exact reasoning tbh but he went to Catholic high school and used to receive, apparently.)
OP- not sure if any of the issues I mentioned apply to you as well but those are the things that we've discussed.

CMGragain · November 2015

All Christian churches celebrate communion.

photokitty · November 2015

According to the orthodox church, your FI should not receive communion at a Catholic church.
http://oca.org/questions/romancatholicism/communion-in-roman-catholic-church

According to the Catholic church he really isn't supposed to either.

redoryx · November 2015

photokitty said:

According to the orthodox church, your FI should not receive communion at a Catholic church. http://oca.org/questions/romancatholicism/communion-in-roman-catholic-church According to the Catholic church he really isn't supposed to either.

I think, actually, that the Roman Catholic Church allows the Orthodox members to take communion because they agree on the nature of the Eucharist (versus Protestants, who see it as symbolic). But that said, the Roman Catholics say that the Orthodox members should follow the rules of their own church -- so if the Orthodox says no, even if the Roman Catholic says yes, then the OP's FI shouldn't take communion.

TrixieJess · November 2015

I'm not sure where you are but I've had two Catholic friends marry in the Greek Orthodox Church and the marriage is recognized by the Catholic Church. However, at both weddings they did each have a priest from their church in attendance during the ceremony. You may want to meet with both priests and find out what the protocol is and whether the marriage will be recognized by both churches.

tigerlily6 · December 2015

I agree with the folks above -- go with your fiance, not your dad. If you are interested in finding a happy medium for down the road, however, I suggest checking out the Byzantine Rite of the Catholic Church. You would technically be Catholic (they recognize the Pope, and are in communion with all the sacraments), but the cultural heritage is from Eastern churches, and almost identical to Orthodox liturgies (in fact, they don't call it "Mass", they call it "Liturgy"). I am Roman Catholic, but one of my best friends is Byzantine Catholic -- we still get to share in the same religion, but have very different cultural experiences on Sundays. I get Latin peppered in the songs, she chants in Greek. I cross myself ending left-to-right, she crosses herself right-to-left. She practices 50 days of Lent compared to my 40. I have stained-glass windows, she has icons. Etc. If your dad really just wants his grandkids to get the Greek Orthodox experience, but is worried less about the tenants of the faith, this might be a good option. Even if you are getting married in a Roman Catholic rite, the marriage will be valid in the Byzantine rite. Just ask any Catholic priest, they should be able to explain further.

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