Let me just preface this by saying this is meant to be "tongue-in-cheek" however these all really happened over the course of my ex-friends 6 month engagement. I wish I was creating MUD, but alas I am not. (See a previous post about a friend asking to borrow money for her wedding gown)
1. Get engaged!
2. Choose a number of BM's that is equal to the number of GM's (aka, hold a casting call to decide who is good enough to be a prop on your big day).
3. Draft those Brideslaves to help cut out invitations, paste them onto cardstock and stuff the envelopes. (Note, we did not volunteer, but were told to do this. I would have been fine helping but really I should have known already this was going to end badly)
4. Insist everyone go dress shopping together and then after having everyone spend $150 on their dresses beg them to help you pay for your gown too!!! *Be sure not to discuss budgets before hand, as that might make you seem considerate.
5. Have your MOH plan your Bridal Shower without consulting the other BM's about availability and then just go with it when the other BM's can't attend. (I know this is more on the MOH than the Bride, but seriously, there were three of us in the wedding party and the invite showed up four days before the RSVP date for a shower on a date that we had long standing plans for. Like planned before she was even engaged!)
6. Draft your BM's husband to be a DJ and show up at his door 5 days before the wedding begging that he make up a play list for your big day. Offer to pay him in a case of beer, and never "pay" him!
7. Get upset with you BM because they didn't book a place for everyone to get their hair done together (at their expense of course!). Make sure to do this five days before the wedding for maximum panic and stress!
8. Tell your BM's about the rehearsal the night before and get mad when one woman shows up two minutes late because they got confused about the address.
9. Act like your BM's are not your friends because you are now in front of your family members and your friends "embarrass you". Even go as far as to say how "immature" or "stupid" they are acting whenever a relative is in earshot.
10. On your wedding day, be sure to show up later than the BM's were forced to be there, but still four hours before the ceremony, and take absolutely no pictures or anything to warrant all this down time.
11. Tell your Sister/MOH that your other two BM's are "only there because [Husband] was supposed to ask his other two friends to be in the wedding but he forgot to." then smile at the friends who were OBVIOUSLY in the room at the time and add "hehe, no offense!" and just LOL about it. Because they are just "props" after all!
12. Surprise the "DJ" with a list of things you now want done. Including introductions, spotlight dances, etc after assuring them that AM that it was just press play and let it go!
13. Spend your entire reception not once talking to your BM or asking them how the party is going, even though they are clearly not having a good time and are very hurt by your actions up to this point.
14. End the reception after just 1.5 hours because everyone else left already...yeah seriously this happened...I guess everyone knew something that we didn't.
15. Don't be too happy, after all, this was just your wedding day!
If you followed all these steps correctly congrats! You now have 'X number' fewer friends who never want to see you again!!!!