Dear Prudence,
My mom refuses to go to counseling over our relationship. My dad encourages it, my husband thinks it’s necessary, and I’ve pleaded with her. Holidays are tortuous because of the way she speaks to me—primarily when others are not around—and she’s also used it on friends and family who find excuses to no longer come around. Her infamous “sneak attacks” are unusually cruel and have been that way since I was a teenager. These comments used to be about my weight/acne/a very minor jaw deformity I was born with, and now that I’m older it’s about how my daughter looks, or why my husband would ever cheat on me (usually because of how I look), or our career choices. My husband doesn’t think we should do Christmas (even though it’s the heart and soul of my family) unless she agrees to go to counseling. She said she will never go and that she will not be “held hostage” by the holidays. I feel so torn. My dad and sister would be particularly crushed if we didn’t come. Should I give my mom a deadline about counseling for future holidays? Am I wrong to insist upon it? In the past I have tried to always find a “buddy” in the house who will stay with me and avoid activities with just my mom, but she can say things while walking and it only takes her seconds. And these comments haunt me for years.