Unwanted family

kiscef · December 2012

I'm getting married and I'm having a small cabin wedding (70 or less). I want to keep it small and very intimate. But my FI's side of the family has a lot of drama in it. The main drama concern I have from his family is my relationship with his aunt and her partner. Naturally I would just not invite them but he and his family are all about 'family' despite how some of them treat eachother and so I pretty much have to invite them. Another downfall is they live in the same city as us and the rest of his family lives 25 hours away so not inviting them would things awkward. This is a small wedding in close quarters, if they attend and cause drama I will absolutely FREAK OUT. I would have a b**** fit bc there is just so much bad history with the things they've done to me and how they treat me. I swear I'm not a bridezilla but this is the one thing that will send me over the edge due to built up, continuous up and down relationship with them. Maybe I should just tell my FI that if I invite them and they make the slightest rude gesture then my reaction will not be pleasant and could possibly stain the wedding. Besides that, it being a small wedding, I just don't like knowing that they are near.

RyansBelovedBride · December 2012

If your FI wants them there, they are his family and should be invited.

You should be mature enough to not throw a 'b***fit' and ruin your own wedding.

If they do something horrid, be cool and stay calm and they will look foolish. If you ruin your own wedding by reacting crazy, it is on your head, not theirs.

But maybe FI has some family who could be asked to discretely keep aunt and partner away from you?

jessicabessica · December 2012

Are they mean to everyone including you, or are they just mean to you? If they treat you particularly poorly, I would wonder why your FI doesn't stand up for you to his family. If they treat everyone the same, I would accept that they're unpleasant people, but they're your FI's family and he wants to invite them. Be the bigger person and invite them. They can only ruin your wedding day if you let them. Freaking out over the "slightest rude gesture" will hurt you way more than it will hurt them.

stantokm · December 2012

Can I ask what they've done to you? If they've made legitimate threats against you, you and your FH probably shouldn't invite them. If there's just bad blood and it will cause problems not to invite them, I'd invite them. Like PP said, if they are rude THEY are the ones who will look bad, not you.

kmmssg · December 2012

"You should be mature enough to not throw a 'b***fit' and ruin your own wedding."

This exactly. If YOU CHOOSE to throw a fit because of something they do at your wedding YOU CHOSE to ruin your wedding, not them. Put your big girl panties on and ignore them.

You do realize how much power you are giving them, right?

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

Ditto Jessica. And if they do say mean or rude things to you, does your FI stick up for you? Because if he is not, he should be. You are becoming your own family unit and he should be supporting you more than the rest of his family.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

Even with the wedding being small there is a good chance that you won't have much interaction with them. Just go in with the mind set that you're not going to let them ruin your day and if something happens, you'll deal with it if and when it happens. Remember, if you take the high road, then they'll be the ones that look like the unclassy individuals to the rest of your guests and they'll be thinking, wow, you handled them so great.

I had a guest I was worried about what she might do and I was starting to freak out about it and was starting to let the what if this happens, what if that happens take over my wedding and start taking away from my excitement. When I finally decided to let things go and just deal with things as they come up I was more relaxed and enjoyed my day more. I had very very little (pretty much none even though individual was on limo bus with us) interaction with that individual and they ended up behaving the whole day and not causing any issues.

AddieCake · December 2012

As others have mentioned, not knowing what they have done makes it difficult to answer b/c this could all be moot. I mean, are the odds STRONG that they will do something, and what would be the level of something that would cause you to throw a fit? How much "danger" is there here?

We had a small drama where our groomswoman wasn't able to give her toast due to the actions of one of our drama llama friends, and we were upset and disappointed about it, but no major scenes were caused. Sometimes you just have to quietly let things go.

Loopyseven · December 2012

We had 95 people at our wedding and there were plenty of people I didn't spend more than 5 minutes with. Even with 70, you'll be able to spend time with those you want to see and other than the obligatory table visit/greeting/thanks for coming, mostly avoid them.

The only thing you can control in this situation is your own behavior. If you react poorly, you look the fool. If FI's aunt baits you and you handle it well, she looks the fool.

Ciardasully · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:06a460b5-ddc8-4dfd-8a63-8e226795fce4Post:179f8fa8-df85-4bad-b22f-b99d2b30cd06">Unwanted family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married and I'm having a small cabin wedding (70 or less). I want to keep it small and very intimate. But my FI's side of the family has a lot of drama in it. The main drama concern I have from his family is my relationship with his aunt and her partner. Naturally I would just not invite them but he and his family are all about 'family' despite how some of them treat eachother and so I pretty much have to invite them. Another downfall is they live in the same city as us and the rest of his family lives 25 hours away so not inviting them would things awkward. This is a small wedding in close quarters, if they attend and cause drama I will absolutely FREAK OUT. I would have a b**** fit bc there is just so much bad history with the things they've done to me and how they treat me. I swear I'm not a bridezilla but this is the one thing that will send me over the edge due to built up, continuous up and down relationship with them. Maybe I should just tell my FI that if I invite them and they make the slightest rude gesture then my reaction will not be pleasant and could possibly stain the wedding. Besides that, it being a small wedding, I just don't like knowing that they are near.
Posted by kiscef[/QUOTE]

I know you are stressed out. I trust you are not a bridezilla. I will tell you, as someone who doesn't always see eye to eye with my MIL, I was dreading what she might do. But at the end, she was on her best behavior. I agree with those who say that the only actions you can control are your own.

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