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  • Re: A WWWWD (What Would Wedding Woes Do)Question - NWR

    banana468 said:
    Yeah, I've spoiled terrible surprises before when they were really not going to be appreciated by the recipient. Sorry not sorry. FIL can then mentally prepare himself and help MIL while still being "surprised," or make it publicly known that this isn't something he wants (which outs you guys, but whatever - I'd be willing to take that fall for the ILs).
    That's where I am.   I also don't want to go against DH but I have zero bad feelings about not keeping this secret when the only person it benefits is BIL.

    Which makes me wonder, do you think DH should basically say, "I feel very strongly that springing this on Dad is a bad idea. You either need to tell ask Dad if he's okay with your plans or I'm telling dad your plans?"  
    I think that reiterating why he's doing it (not about or on behalf of "selfish" MIL) may help her.

    Also, phrasing it such that he needs to be open to Dad's input (i.e. not telling him "We're driving down to see you," but rather asking, "We were hoping to drive down to see you, would you enjoy that?") makes it obvious that this needs to be about what Dad would actually like.
    ahoywedding
  • Re: A WWWWD (What Would Wedding Woes Do)Question - NWR

    banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    Yeah, I've spoiled terrible surprises before when they were really not going to be appreciated by the recipient. Sorry not sorry. FIL can then mentally prepare himself and help MIL while still being "surprised," or make it publicly known that this isn't something he wants (which outs you guys, but whatever - I'd be willing to take that fall for the ILs).
    That's where I am.   I also don't want to go against DH but I have zero bad feelings about not keeping this secret when the only person it benefits is BIL.

    Which makes me wonder, do you think DH should basically say, "I feel very strongly that springing this on Dad is a bad idea. You either need to tell ask Dad if he's okay with your plans or I'm telling dad your plans?"  
    I think that reiterating why he's doing it (not about or on behalf of "selfish" MIL) may help her.

    Also, phrasing it such that he needs to be open to Dad's input (i.e. not telling him "We're driving down to see you," but rather asking, "We were hoping to drive down to see you, would you enjoy that?") makes it obvious that this needs to be about what Dad would actually like.
    I like that phrasing.   FIL has said he doesn't want anything.   BIL thinks that FIL is only saying that because he doesn't want people to go to trouble to do something.

    I honestly think that this is a lot for him and doing something is really not what he wants.   
    I mean, I am not a big "celebrate me" person, definitely don't like having my space invaded without warning, and beyond that, he may have mixed feelings about retiring itself - sure, it's probably a good thing with many good things about it, but it's still a big life change to process. Celebratory dinner with everyone and everyone sleeping in my house is unlikely to be the way I feel about it the moment I leave work. I think you're probably right, because I don't think it's a reach for FIL to be being honest about this.
    ahoywedding
  • Re: A WWWWD (What Would Wedding Woes Do)Question - NWR

    Yeah, I've spoiled terrible surprises before when they were really not going to be appreciated by the recipient. Sorry not sorry. FIL can then mentally prepare himself and help MIL while still being "surprised," or make it publicly known that this isn't something he wants (which outs you guys, but whatever - I'd be willing to take that fall for the ILs).
    ahoyweddinglevioosa
  • Re: Adressing invites/STD help!!

    CMGragain said:
    banana468 said:
    But you're advocating for something that's blatantly favoring the men.

    You can certainly say that's the way you like to be addressed.   But it seems like you're changing the argument to suit your answer.   The traditional way is sexist and patriarchal.   If someone wants to use a different format while knowing that YOU prefer something different, the new way isn't wrong if the books haven't caught up yet.
    There is nothing wrong with Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe.  I never said that there was.  I just personally prefer tradition, as do many women.  That doesn't reflect on our position on women's rights.  To equate politics with a preferred form of address is judgemental and often incorrect.  Choices, ladies!  Choices!
    And no one was doing that. The judgment was of the origins of the tradition itself, which is objectively favored towards men, and the suggestion was that the standard be changed to reflect that.

    The actual reality is that you are likely to offend more women by using the "traditional" form of address. Knowing this, it seems silly to advocate for the tradition as the standard when you know you're going to be putting people off by using it. If someone wants to correct me back to Mrs. John Doe after I've used the above form in addressing them, they are welcome to do so, but I doubt I've offended them by using their actual name.
    MyNameIsNotSTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • Re: How to involve MIL?

    H and I offered to host DS1's RD. They aren't having a rehearsal so no dinner. If we were hosting a dinner, I would have expected to be told the time of the rehearsal and to be given fairly free rein with planning - with final approval of the couple. Could you do that? Just say "FMIL the rehearsal will be at x time and will last for x amount of time. Could you plan the dinner to start at y? Just let me know what you come up with." I agree with @southernbelle0915 as far as include her in other non-paying kind of activities. Also, just keep her in the loop about decisions. I know my son hasn't really told us much of anything about their wedding. I feel totally left out. I'm talking about sharing the guest list, music choice, venue details, menu etc. That could go a long way to make her feel included.
    I get that this is about feelings, and how to help when she's feeling the feelings, but this expectation would annoy me so much. I'm not one to gush about stuff that's already been decided, and I wouldn't necessarily want to invite input if we're the ones making the decision.

    Guest list makes sense to me - may as well clue the parents in on who you are and are not inviting. Could help with social interaction with those people.

    Music choice, venue details, menu, though - what does it matter? Just knowing those things doesn't make you actually any more included, and so to me it doesn't and shouldn't matter if you know them. If you want to ask, I'm happy to share, but I don't understand why there's any sort of familial hope for your son or FDIL to volunteer that information to all who may want to feel "included." Once they make the decision, they'er probably happy not to have to think or talk about it anymore.

    I mean, MIL is like this too - she likes to be in possession of all the information in order to feel in the inner circle - but she also asks, rather than expecting everyone to just tell her everything they've ever decided and that she might possibly want to know.

    ETA - "If we were really close, you'd share this with me" (which I think is the typical excuse for feeling hurt over this stuff) is a fallacy - I don't share the details of everything I do with the people I consider myself close with. Wedding planning details would not be something that would normally come up in my regular conversations with my mom or with friends.

    I would hope it would go in reverse, too - no one would get annoyed with me for not asking enough about their specific wedding details and taking that as a sign that I somehow don't care about them. If I ask "What's going on with you lately?" and their wedding planning details are what's important to them right now, then I'm happy to hear. If it's something else that's important to them right now, I'm happy to and would rather hear about that.
    SP29