Help, I'm Stressed...

mrsbanany

WARNING: Rant Ahead

Guys, I am beyond stressed.  I think I am having my first pre-wedding anxiety attack.  Here's the deal. FI is in medical school and we are planning on getting married in April 2015 right after he takes the boards.  He gets 6 weeks off to study and take the test, he would take it during the 5th week, we would get married that weekend, go on our honeymoon the 6th week and then he starts 3rd year (clinical) on the next monday.  So essentially, we have 1 weekend to get married or else we wait until he is done with med school and get married before residency, so in 3 years. Finding time off in 3rd and 4th year is just too complicated and once he starts residency, he could be anywhere in the country.  We have also been together for 6 years and the idea of waiting 3 more is just not appealing.  

So anyway, I have been researching venues and I have finally found one that I have my heart set on. 

There are multiple problems:

•  FI's schedule for 2015 is not out yet.  The school is being accredited right now so they are delaying the release of the schedule. We have been using this year's schedule as a guesstimate and it looks like (if the timing remains relatively the same for next year) that April 25th would be our date.  But it is obviously a terrible idea to put down a deposit on a venue when we are not 100% certain of if the date will work for us.  
  
• FI hasn't even seen the venue yet (we have a meeting on Saturday for him to finally take a look so this problem will be solved very easily very shortly)
• The coordinator at the venue emailed me today and said that she has sent out about 5 other estimates for April 25, 2015 and predicts that it will book before the end of next month.  This is also because this is the last Saturday during their off-season, so it is obviously appealing to a lot of people. 

Now, lets pretend that we are correct with our guess on the timing and the weekend of the 25th would be the weekend that worked. If the venue is booked on the 25th, I am not opposed to getting married on a Friday (I want to avoid Sunday because since we probably won't have time, or money, to take another vacation for a while, FI and I have agreed that we want a longer honeymoon).  However, the 24th is my birthday.  Is it weird to get married on your birthday? I am not opposed to the idea but if I could avoid it, that would be better. 

Be honest with me, is this ridiculous?  I feel like I am doing this whole venue searching thing wrong. I feel like if you have a very specific date, like we do, you look only at venues that have that date. That way you prevent this heartache of really liking a venue that is suddenly no longer available. Or, you are flexible with dates and when you find a venue you like, you pick a date based on what is available.  Since, we clearly don't really fit into either of those categories, I feel like we did this whole thing wrong.  FI says I should just relax and wait until the summer time when he has a bit more free time and book the venue then.  But then I get stressed out that since we have such a specific date and we wait until 9mos before the wedding, most venues will be taken and then we will be picking from the reject pile. Am I starting my whole wedding planning process on the wrong foot? I get anxiety/panic attacks and honestly right about now, I feel like I am going to throw up (sorry for the graphics, but you catch my point) and honestly I do not think that planning a wedding is something that should cause this kind of stuff.  Opinions, thoughts, "snap out of it" face slaps, anything is welcome here. 

Sorry about the super long post.  If you made it to the end, thank you

JCbride2015

Okay, first I want you to go get some chocolate, a glass of wine, hot cocoa, whatever else makes you feel better.  Did you go and come back?  Okay good.  Relax, you have plenty of time to make this work.  

I think your Fi is right that you should take a little time.  You will be somewhat more limited with what venues are open on your desired weekend, but 9 months is possible.  My FBIL is having only a 7 month engagement, and they found a venue in New Jersey (which books up really quickly) with about 6 months left.  So 9 months is doable.  You obviously should not book until you get Fi's school schedule-- don't let this venue give you the hard sell and book before you know for sure.

Yeah, it might be a little weird to get married on your birthday.  Just from a selfish standpoint, you may not want your anniversary and bday to be a combined celebration.

I will also throw another option in the ring: you could wait until your Fi is done with school and get married right before his residency.  One of my friends just timed her wedding this way; Fi and I have been together almost 11 years already and we're waiting until I'm done with law school to avoid the sort of problems you're talking about.  Being together 9 years before marriage is not the worst thing ever (we will be 12!)  You could have a long engagement, lots of time to save and plan, and then get married after your Fi graduates with plenty of time to sort everything out.

At the end of the day: try to relax and realize you can make a wedding happen with 9 months to plan; but it's also okay to have a long engagement and wait until things are more settled.

thisismynickname2

First, hugs!!

Picking the venue was stressful for me too and I didn't have any constraints like yours. I'm not going to snap you out of it, but I will tell you it gets better. 

Not sure how competitive your area is, but 9 months shouldn't leave you with rejects. You can even go back to other places and check for cancellations. Get creative with venues (catering halls and hotel ballrooms aren't all there are, check restaurants, art galleries, historic buildings, colleges...) If you don't end up with a dream venue, get creative with decor or find other ways to create what was so appealing about your original venue. 

I'd wait until they get the calendar, honestly. And by the way, I work for a University, and accreditation shouldn't hold up something like a calendar. That seems odd. We have a proposed internal calendar through 2018 at this point and while it's not published, someone who needed advanced dates is certainly welcome to ask. It's spring semester of 2014; spring of 2015 should not be too much to ask.  Ask an advisor to pretty please find this out for you.

Good luck! 

Simky906

Ok, the first thing you need to do is breathe- and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Right now you're just borrowing trouble and worrying about what ifs. It's very easy to do but it's not helpful. I know that planning this is very stressful since you have a very specific date and want a very specific venue but I really think you need to take a step back. Yes, you may have to figure out what is more important, the venue or the specific date. But right now, I would stop thinking about wedding planning and pop in my favorite movie. Because until your fiancé sees the venue and has next years schedule set you're only going to drive yourself crazy worrying. (You can't realistically set a date until you have his schedule IMO.) I would book something as soon as you get his schedule but remember, no matter where the vows are said, the most important thing on your wedding day is that you get to marry the person you love. And apologies for the wall of text, my iPad hates paragraphs.

erinlin25

Breathe girl!  You still have 15 months and if you are already stressing yourself out you will make yourself miserable for the next 15 months.  I totally get where you are coming from for until you have a venue you can't really make other plans until you have a confirmed date and in your situation you will be limited to a certain date but that is not in your control yet to know when that date is.  I would not get attached to anything until you know what dates are even an option.  What if you get your heart set on April 25th and find a venue but then your fiance's test occurs at a different time?  Don't do anything until you are absolutely sure it will work around FI test schedule--you need the groom if you want to get married

*venues may say they have others looking at your date but they also say that sometimes to get people to make quicker decisions and book sooner than later.  Not saying that is always the case, but in the wedding industry everyone wants it now, now, now.  So if it is not available, it was not meant to be.

*I got engaged and planned the wedding within 10 months and got everything I wanted.  Majority of the planning was done 3-6 months prior to the wedding.  We booked our venue 9 months prior and I picked my dress at the 8 month mark, everything else was later, so I promise it can be done. 

*Keep reminding yourself that the most important thing is the day you get married is THE DAY YOU GET MARRIED, so unless you make it miserable it will be a great day no matter what because at the end of the day you are married

Best advise is to wait until you know your FI's schedule; that way you don't do all this planning and then have to change things.  Don't get attached to anything in case the date is unavailable but have some options ready.  and Remember even if your "#1" location is not available that day, you will find a place to get married and it will all work out.  I "wanted" June 1st, but the venue we liked was already booked...so June 7th it was and that day was absolutely perfect because it was my wedding day.

Enjoy being engaged!  Don't stress over the things you cannot control.



 

 


 

mrsbanany

@thisismynickname I checked the university website and they have up to 2020 published but only for undergrad. All grad schools are no where to be found! Which in my opinion is ridiculous, they must have them somewhere. I finally got my FI to email the registrar and ask, so hopefully we get some sort of feedback.  

All of you ladies who are planning it in less than a year, props to you guys! I don't know if my "type A" personality could handle it! But I guess, I don't have an option do I?

Also, can we emphasize the birthday thing? @JCBride2014 I totally agree with the selfish part! FI and I met on Valentine's Day so we celebrate that as our "anniversary", even though we made it official 3 days later.  But when v-day rolls around, its always like we have to pick one or the other to celebrate.  Same thing with FI's birthday, it is the same day as my mom's and since I don't see my FI that often I feel like on the day of I have to choose who I am celebrating with, my FI or my mom.  The both agree to celebrate together but they both want to do very different things, so I would feel bad making my FI go to a spa or my mom go to a bar.  I don't want that to happen with my birthday/our anniversary too! 

MobKaz

Have you guesstimated your guest list?  You want to have that in fairly firm shape before committing to a venue.  You don't want to suddenly find yourself with a venue that is too small for your guest list, or find you have to pay extra to reach the minimum head count cost.

Does your FI know many 3rd and 4th year students?  Has he checked with them to gain some insight into those last two years?  I understand all med schools are not created equal.  My son and DIL were both MD/PhD students.  Their third (med) year was clinicals, but the hospital still followed the university calendar as they were still considered students.  So they did have the traditional time off at holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Break.  Their 4th year was their "easy" year (relatively speaking).  Their primary time was spent travelling for interviews and tours.  They had some responsibilities back in their labs, and some occasional clinical work, but by and large it was their most flexible year of the 8, particularly after the holidays.  Perhaps your FI could get a bit more information regarding those last two years.

I understand that waiting additional years would be frustrating.  But if it took the pressure off the both of you, you might be able to enjoy the planning and the wedding more.  It would also give you an opportunity to save a little more money, and maybe even rethink the type of wedding you want to have.

My SIL married on her birthday.  It has never been a big deal.  I remember we celebrated it the night before at their rehearsal dinner.  It was very sweet.

mrsbanany

@mobkaz we have our guest list completely written out, it has been looked over by both of our families and we do not expect it to change much, if at all.  The venue we want has the capacity to fit 220 and we have about 150, I don't suspect we will be adding 70 more people.  

At his school, there are no breaks other than a week for Christmas and 3 days for Thanksgiving in 3rd and 4th year.  We thought about that but the idea of having the honeymoon on that week after the exam and before third year is the most appealing only because Christmas is such a hectic time (his sister got married the weekend before Christmas and everything was so crazy, his family never even put up their tree) and he will literally have nothing to study during that week, which so far has not happened yet so being able to truly relax and enjoy the honeymoon is really nice.  They don't get a spring break or a summer break after this summer, between 1st and 2nd year.

I have heard that about 4th year but being that it is so unpredictable with interviews and everything, it might be harder to schedule. That is really the only reservation we had about that timing.   

ETA: Spelling

MobKaz

amandaj424 said:

@mobkaz we have our guest list completely written out, it has been looked over by both of our families and we do not expect it to change much, if at all.  The venue we want has the capacity to fit 220 and we have about 150, I don't suspect we will be adding 70 more people.  

At his school, there are no breaks other than a week for Christmas and 3 days for Thanksgiving in 3rd and 4th year.  We thought about that but the idea of having the honeymoon on that week after the exam and before third year is the most appealing only because Christmas is such a hectic time (his sister got married the weekend before Christmas and everything was so crazy, his family never even put up their tree) and he will literally have nothing to study during that week, which so far has not happened yet so being able to truly relax and enjoy the honeymoon is really nice.  They don't get a spring break or a summer break after this summer, between 1st and 2nd year.

I have heard that about 4th year but being that it is so unpredictable with interviews and everything, it might be harder to schedule. That is really the only reservation we had about that timing.   

ETA: Spelling

I do know that Matching Day is sometime in March, so obviously most if not all interviews would be done by the first of the year.  The other thing to consider, which I know is often not popular, is to split the two "events".  Focus on a wedding date without worrying whether you can accommodate the honeymoon at the same time.  Depending on his calendar year and residency start, the perfect time for a honeymoon might be immediately following graduation and before residency starts.  

mrsbanany

mobkaz said:

amandaj424 said:

@mobkaz we have our guest list completely written out, it has been looked over by both of our families and we do not expect it to change much, if at all.  The venue we want has the capacity to fit 220 and we have about 150, I don't suspect we will be adding 70 more people.  

At his school, there are no breaks other than a week for Christmas and 3 days for Thanksgiving in 3rd and 4th year.  We thought about that but the idea of having the honeymoon on that week after the exam and before third year is the most appealing only because Christmas is such a hectic time (his sister got married the weekend before Christmas and everything was so crazy, his family never even put up their tree) and he will literally have nothing to study during that week, which so far has not happened yet so being able to truly relax and enjoy the honeymoon is really nice.  They don't get a spring break or a summer break after this summer, between 1st and 2nd year.

I have heard that about 4th year but being that it is so unpredictable with interviews and everything, it might be harder to schedule. That is really the only reservation we had about that timing.   

ETA: Spelling

I do know that Matching Day is sometime in March, so obviously most if not all interviews would be done by the first of the year.  The other thing to consider, which I know is often not popular, is to split the two "events".  Focus on a wedding date without worrying whether you can accommodate the honeymoon at the same time.  Depending on his calendar year and residency start, the perfect time for a honeymoon might be immediately following graduation and before residency starts.  

This is what I am having the hardest time doing! I have thought seriously about that because I am graduating in May and while I will hopefully have a job by then (I have been interviewing a ton and am pretty confident I will have one by then), money will be really tight for a honeymoon. FI and I really want to go somewhere tropical, but that is obviously more expensive.  FI is obviously not making any income until residency so I would be supporting both of us completely.  My only reservation is that it won't be as special 2 years later and that the "honeymoon" feeling will have worn off by then.  

jenna8984

My best friend just finished her 2nd year of med school and it's weird because she has so much time off. She had a few weeks at Christmas, almost 2 months last summer, 4 months right now until she takes the exams. I guess schools do their schedules differently. But why do you have to cram it into a time where he has a week off? There are so many people who don't get to go on honeymoons for various reasons. I really think you could chose any Saturday you want to have a wedding and then just go on a late honeymoon when you get the chance. Is that not an option? I just don't see why it's those 2 weeks or not for 3 years? All you really need is a few hours to get married lol 

Good luck though! 

MobKaz

amandaj424 said:

mobkaz said:

amandaj424 said:

@mobkaz we have our guest list completely written out, it has been looked over by both of our families and we do not expect it to change much, if at all.  The venue we want has the capacity to fit 220 and we have about 150, I don't suspect we will be adding 70 more people.  

At his school, there are no breaks other than a week for Christmas and 3 days for Thanksgiving in 3rd and 4th year.  We thought about that but the idea of having the honeymoon on that week after the exam and before third year is the most appealing only because Christmas is such a hectic time (his sister got married the weekend before Christmas and everything was so crazy, his family never even put up their tree) and he will literally have nothing to study during that week, which so far has not happened yet so being able to truly relax and enjoy the honeymoon is really nice.  They don't get a spring break or a summer break after this summer, between 1st and 2nd year.

I have heard that about 4th year but being that it is so unpredictable with interviews and everything, it might be harder to schedule. That is really the only reservation we had about that timing.   

ETA: Spelling

I do know that Matching Day is sometime in March, so obviously most if not all interviews would be done by the first of the year.  The other thing to consider, which I know is often not popular, is to split the two "events".  Focus on a wedding date without worrying whether you can accommodate the honeymoon at the same time.  Depending on his calendar year and residency start, the perfect time for a honeymoon might be immediately following graduation and before residency starts.  

This is what I am having the hardest time doing! I have thought seriously about that because I am graduating in May and while I will hopefully have a job by then (I have been interviewing a ton and am pretty confident I will have one by then), money will be really tight for a honeymoon. FI and I really want to go somewhere tropical, but that is obviously more expensive.  FI is obviously not making any income until residency so I would be supporting both of us completely.  My only reservation is that it won't be as special 2 years later and that the "honeymoon" feeling will have worn off by then.  

Well, there is nothing to say you can't have a quick but lovely wedding getaway weekend.  And, although it might be two years in the making.....well......two years in the making can also be EPIC.  And it will always be special....particularly after celebrating what you have both endured and persevered in the two years prior.  You have tough decisions to make.  Just keep making them together :-)  You are obviously determined people!

JCbride2015

amandaj424 said:

@thisismynickname I checked the university website and they have up to 2020 published but only for undergrad. All grad schools are no where to be found! Which in my opinion is ridiculous, they must have them somewhere. I finally got my FI to email the registrar and ask, so hopefully we get some sort of feedback.  

All of you ladies who are planning it in less than a year, props to you guys! I don't know if my "type A" personality could handle it! But I guess, I don't have an option do I?

Also, can we emphasize the birthday thing? @JCBride2014 I totally agree with the selfish part! FI and I met on Valentine's Day so we celebrate that as our "anniversary", even though we made it official 3 days later.  But when v-day rolls around, its always like we have to pick one or the other to celebrate.  Same thing with FI's birthday, it is the same day as my mom's and since I don't see my FI that often I feel like on the day of I have to choose who I am celebrating with, my FI or my mom.  The both agree to celebrate together but they both want to do very different things, so I would feel bad making my FI go to a spa or my mom go to a bar.  I don't want that to happen with my birthday/our anniversary too! 

Hey-- our dating anniversary is Feb 17th, too!  We celebrate V-day and anniversary separately, but V-day is never a very big deal bc we always do something more special for the 17th.

tcnoble

Our wedding isn't until March 2015, we had our venue picked in October! I'm totally a type A too, and as a teacher I specifically wanted the Saturday before spring break... So you're not alone in wanting to get these things done in a seemingly early time frame. I can relate to the stress but everyone has offered such good advice. So first and foremost, kiss your FI, get a bottle of wine, and relax until you CAN do more. It'll all fall in to place

mrsbanany

Honestly, after some chocolate and wine and reading what you guys had to say, I feel better. This is why I love TK, you guys help with my unnecessary stress so much Much love to all of you! 

pinkshorts27

My FI is in vet school and he only gets 2 weeks off for boards. We had the same scheduling issue and have been going over and over and over to try to find a better time, but we had to settle on December '14 because we won't get his schedule until Thanksgiving and I don't want to stress about finding a venue at that point. 

I graduate in June and he starts 3rd year next year! So similar. I'll be our only breadwinner until he finished residency and our honeymoon budget is tight. We are going to do a small get away for 4 days right after our wedding (in the US but warmer area hopefully) and then when he is done we will do a big trip.

Edit: Just saw he gets no Christmas which sucks This is the last year FI gets a Christmas so we are doing it then.

pinkshorts27

amandaj424

mobkaz

Just an FYI about interviews because my current roommate is a medical student and her FI is a medical resident, she had interviews in November, December, and Jan. She has 3 interviews this month.