Difficult situation cont'...with a bit more information.

PennyBlossom2311

Good morning ladies, <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I am once again seeking your advice to handle a continuously delicate issue. Many of my other posts have been in reference to one particular friend who will be getting married soon. As I have stated in previous posts, I am more than a little concerned about the health of the relationship and the happiness of my friend. I will not go so far as to say I do not want them to marry, ever, but would rather they postpone until communication, anger, financial issues can be addressed. I have spoken very honestly to my friend and through that, I feel she is more excited about having a wedding and being married that the actual marriage. I have received mixed reactions to lack of/ still having support for her marriage and I continue to welcome to all opinions.

 There are the details I have left out that may help explain my confusion in what to do. My friend was in a very serious accident, years ago, and suffered a severe TBI. She has made a miraculous recovery and is able to drive and live on her own. Unfortunately, she will forever have the mindset and reasoning skills of a young teen. The best way to explain what how the wedding planning has gone is to say that it is very similar to a teenager wanting the best sweet-sixteen party ever. This is very much her day and anything else is pretty much irrelevant, which is fine but it can be quite stressful and hurtful at times.

 But I digress, this is by no means to say she cannot make decisions but, like we all were when very young, she has huge blinders on with relationships. She believes that she is happy for the sole reason she has someone and isn't alone. She has said that this is her chance to get married and she feels that once they are married, everything will be fine and fixed. She has the ability to understand that she does not like the things he does or the things he says to her, but does not realize that that will not change. Her time perception and memory means she knows her feelings were severely hurt today but, by tomorrow, the incident is pushed away and forgotten and wedding planning continues. As you can imagine, since all I hear are negative incidents, it is very hard to stay positive and supportive. I have accepted that her decision will not be swayed and am now trying to stay positive and supportive for her sake. I know she needs an ear to listen and shoulder to lean on and this is why I do not want to back out despite my feelings that this marriage is a bad idea. Her family has not stepped in, though a conversation with her mother has shown they know the same things that the bride has told me. My question is again, how I should proceed. I know that backing out is not the correct course of action and know that she will need someone to be a shoulder for her. I am very protective of my friend and do not want her to be taken advantage of. Her happiness is my only concern, as it has always been. Do you have any advice? I know I am not asking a specific question but given the new information I wondered, if I should say something more to her family or if just being there is all I can do.

MayDay513

Beth5246 said:

Good morning ladies,

I am once again seeking your advice to handle a continuously delicate issue. Many of my other posts have been in reference to one particular friend who will be getting married soon. As I have stated in previous posts, I am more than a little concerned about the health of the relationship and the happiness of my friend. I will not go so far as to say I do not want them to marry, ever, but would rather they postpone until communication, anger, financial issues can be addressed. I have spoken very honestly to my friend and through that, I feel she is more excited about having a wedding and being married that the actual marriage. I have received mixed reactions to lack of/ still having support for her marriage and I continue to welcome to all opinions.

 There are the details I have left out that may help explain my confusion in what to do. My friend was in a very serious accident, years ago, and suffered a severe TBI. She has made a miraculous recovery and is able to drive and live on her own. Unfortunately, she will forever have the mindset and reasoning skills of a young teen. The best way to explain what how the wedding planning has gone is to say that it is very similar to a teenager wanting the best sweet-sixteen party ever. This is very much her day and anything else is pretty much irrelevant, which is fine but it can be quite stressful and hurtful at times.

 But I digress, this is by no means to say she cannot make decisions but, like we all were when very young, she has huge blinders on with relationships. She believes that she is happy for the sole reason she has someone and isn't alone. She has said that this is her chance to get married and she feels that once they are married, everything will be fine and fixed. She has the ability to understand that she does not like the things he does or the things he says to her, but does not realize that that will not change. Her time perception and memory means she knows her feelings were severely hurt today but, by tomorrow, the incident is pushed away and forgotten and wedding planning continues. As you can imagine, since all I hear are negative incidents, it is very hard to stay positive and supportive. I have accepted that her decision will not be swayed and am now trying to stay positive and supportive for her sake. I know she needs an ear to listen and shoulder to lean on and this is why I do not want to back out despite my feelings that this marriage is a bad idea. Her family has not stepped in, though a conversation with her mother has shown they know the same things that the bride has told me. My question is again, how I should proceed. I know that backing out is not the correct course of action and know that she will need someone to be a shoulder for her. I am very protective of my friend and do not want her to be taken advantage of. Her happiness is my only concern, as it has always been. Do you have any advice? I know I am not asking a specific question but given the new information I wondered, if I should say something more to her family or if just being there is all I can do.

I get you are a concerned friend, but you can't dictate when other people get married or what problems people choose to work out before they get married.

If you can be supportive without being judgmental than do it. Maybe it would be helpful for her to keep a journal.

Cokezerofreak

Just being there is all you can do.  You've voiced your concerns and she's still proceeding.  That's it.  People need to make their own mistakes.

pumpkinsandturkeys

I agree with PPs. While she may not always act like an adult, she is a grown woman who has been deemed to be well enough to live on her own and take care of herself, making her own decisions. Because of that, she has the right to decide who she wants to marry, when, and for what reasons.

I know it's a crappy situation to be a part of, but you've chosen to support her and that's really all you can do. There are a lot of adults out there without diminished brain functioning who make the same or worse decisions, and they're allowed to do so.

princessleia22

I agree with PP's. She is an adult and has to make her own decisions.  You can be concerned for her, but you can't make decisions for her or force her to do things your way.  It sounds like you've already told her how you feel, and she is choosing to stick with the marriage, which is her choice.  So, you have already done everything you can. And if her family doesn't feel the need to step in, you shouldn't either. Now, your job to stick by her, be her friend, and try to be supportive of her choices.  And if you can't be supportive and accept her choices, even if you disagree, then maybe you shouldn't be around her.  To continue mentioning that this marriage is a bad idea could cause problems between you and her because nobody wants to be around someone that continuously degrades their relationship or tells them they make bad choices. And if the marriage doesn't work out, she may be worried you will have an "I told you so" attitude, and it could cause problems then also.  And, unless you are a psychic or something, you don't know for sure that it won't work out (although it sounds like odds aren't in her favor).  But repeatedly being negative about her relationship and choices is not a good way to maintain a friendship and its not fair to her.

Also, people tend to go to their friends to complain about the negative things a lot more than they brag about the good things.  And people tend to remember the bad things more than the good. You may just be hearing the bad parts. So, just because she isn't coming to you with all the good things about the relationship, doesn't mean that there isn't good.  Or that it isn't more good than bad.  That's why they say that you should be very careful if you complain to family or friends when unhappy with your significant other, because if things improve, those people you talked to will remember all the bad things and it can permanently alter their view and feelings of that person. 

kmmssg

This sounds like what is going on with my BFF's newly married DD except she has no TBI.  We ALL know this was a bad idea and that he is a controlling little jerk.  She saw her chance to be married and ran with it.

Her parents are my best friends so we talk openly.  We have all decided to put on our best faces, be warm and encouraging, and make sure she feels accepted and loved.  Believe me, this shit show is gonna blow up in the next few years and we want her to know that she has a really strong support group to come back to and she won't hear "we told you so."  She has very low self esteem and he is using it to  his advantage with his control.

Love her, be there for her, act happy, keep the door open and the light on so she always has a place to go if things get really bad.  It really is all you can do.

climbingsingle

Unfortunately there's really nothing you can do. You've voiced your concerns to her. Her family is aware of the situation. It sounds like it's a sad situation, but you can't force her not to get married. The best thing you can do it just be a good friend (like you have been) and try to be supportive. 

PennyBlossom2311

 

Thank- you ladies, for all of your help and advice. @ nicoanne, I would like to clear up that I do not constantly tell her that she should not go through with the marriage. The bride and I have had one very honest conversation, after a few months of observation, and I voiced my concerns then. I spoke with her mother about a month prior to the conversation and even then I did not tell her, her daughter shouldn't go through with the marriage. Rather, I voiced my opinion more as concerns over the things I had been told and things I had witnessed. I would also never bad mouth her relationship to people. Instead, I often turn to these boards for guidance and advice, largely in part because I do not talk about what she tells me with the people I/we know. I would be devastated if someone did that to me so I take care to not bring it up. When she comes to me, which is pretty much weekly, I tell her I hate that she is going through the things she is going through and agree that what he said or did wasn't nice. I offer hugs and usually just listen. I have said a time or two that no one deserves to have cruel things said to them and I wished he would treat her better but, I know better than to push or badger her away from him. I have accepted that she will marry him. I suppose what makes this very hard, is watching it from outside. This should be the happiest time in her life and instead she is stressed beyond belief and constantly wondering if he will go through the wedding. I do put on a smile, happily go dress shopping, and talk bachelorette party plans. It's just sad, is all. You never want that for a friend, and it stinks to see one go through it. But as @kmmssg said, it’s best to leave a light on. I will never shut her out. As the months go by, it just gets harder to remain positive when the situation, honestly, makes me want to cry. I suppose I come here to know that just listening is what I need to do and to reiterate to myself that I should keep my mouth shut. I spoke with her once and should leave it at that. I am a very vocal person and sometimes need to hear that staying quiet and being supportive is the best course of action, even though I feel otherwise sometimes. (Sorry for the giant block- I tried to fix a few spelling errors and the block had a lot of strange script when I put it back in the comment block. Maybe changing the bold will help break some of it up.)<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

PennyBlossom2311

@nicoann - I have thought that there are two sides to every story and realize how negative opinions can be formed. I would like your opinion on this. Would asking her to tell me something nice be out of line? I dont mean to just come out and say "Hey, Im tired of hearing bad stuff. Tell me something good." But perhaps asking open ended questions about a trip they plan to take, or how they celebrated their anniversary. Perhaps starting conversations with a question about how they spent their weekend or if they enjoyed a recipe she tried, could help bring out some positives?

princessleia22

 

Beth5246 said:

@nicoann - I have thought that there are two sides to every story and realize how negative opinions can be formed. I would like your opinion on this. Would asking her to tell me something nice be out of line? I dont mean to just come out and say "Hey, Im tired of hearing bad stuff. Tell me something good." But perhaps asking open ended questions about a trip they plan to take, or how they celebrated their anniversary. Perhaps starting conversations with a question about how they spent their weekend or if they enjoyed a recipe she tried, could help bring out some positives?

I completely understand your situation.  I also have had friends in similar situations where you feel that they are making a mistake or rushing into it without thinking, but there isn't anything that can be done.  It is a very tough situation.

Regarding trying to get the other side of the story from her, I don't see a problem with it.  And it may help calm your mind if she can relay the reasons why she stays with him or the good things about the relationship, since I would imagine there has to be something good for her to stay.  Leading the conversation in that direction may be a good way to go with it.  Although, next time she is complaining about him, I don't really see a problem with straight up asking her why she stays.  Even when she isn't complaining, I would almost consider asking her out right too. Just tell her that you want to try to understand it a little better, so what are the things she loves about him and the good things he does.  

I've actually had similar conversations with my mom about my FI.  My parents were very unsure about him because he is a bit rough around the edges and in the process of changing careers, so doesn't have a very secure job.  But, after explaining all of the reasons that I am with him and all the good things about him that they may not see, she learned to overlook those things and has grown to like him.  And I wasn't upset when she asked me directly why I was with him, because I wanted her to understand the good things that are there and I appreciated that she was trying to find that side of him.

erinlin25

I went through the same thing with one of my best friends a few years back.  She was the girl who just wanted to get married and when she was 25 and not married yet she pretty much talked her new BF of a few months into getting married. She convinced herself it was the only way to get her happy ever after (this new BF was a rebound to a long term boyfriend we all thought she would marry).  Like all new relationships everything was good and we were happy for her, but could not help but worry for her.  As wedding planning progressed we noticed a change in the relationship and things did not sit right with us with things he said or did.  But my friend was still "happy" so all we could do was be happy for her and support her.  Her family was happy and we knew if we said "friend, do not marry this guy" she would get mad and it was not going to help things.  The night before the wedding she had a small melt down but convinced herself it was too late and she had to go through with it and that things would get better.  It was a beautiful wedding; she genuinely seemed happy... they went on their honeymoon 2 weeks later and when we saw her a month after that she told us they were getting a divorce if not an annulment.  She said she cried everyday on the honeymoon and knew she made a mistake and is just embarrassed with the whole situation.  We never said "we told you so," but we definitely confirmed her feelings by telling her we did not think he was right for her.  She said "why didn't you tell me before the wedding!?" And we simply said "would you have listened?... and she said no, I would have been pissed!

short store, long-- she is the only one that can make that decision.  No one can tell what to do and meddling will hurt your friendship, even if its just temporary.  All you can do is support your friend through the wedding and if your fears are confirmed after the fact you continue to support her through it.  You never know, maybe things will work out and get better, so you cannot be the judge of that.

My friend is now married again to a wonderful guy and they have 2 beautiful boys with another baby on the way. 

So happily ever after can happen, but it is not for you to control.  Just continue to be a friend.  Unless you know she is in serious danger of some kind, all you can do is be happy and support her through whatever is yet to come.

PennyBlossom2311

@nicoann, I think I will ask her about that. Perhaps not in a "why do you stay with him?" tone but more in a "how did you know you wanted to marry him?" tone. As I've mentioned, I am trying to be positive and accepting since I know her mind won't be swayed. But, asking her questions that promote a positive response may be a good place to start. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Thank you all very much. I do hate that I tend to keep bringing this up on here. The situation just seems to always be an evolving one. This is my only place to talk about it so that's why it's a recurring topic in many of my posts. I do appreciate the perspectives though. It really helps to get advice from someone not involved with the situation. It's frustrating but, I understand the worst thing I could do for our friendship is by badmouthing him. Sometimes I hate growing up and making mature decisions in consideration of a friend's feelings. lol... But, everyone is right. I cannot change her mind or protect her from everything. Even the hardest lessons have to be learned on your own. Another bridesmaid confided in me about her concerns as well. She said she spoke with the bride and her worries were also dismissed. We've both decided that if this is what our friend wants, we will let her make her choice and not stand in her way. We will offer support and continue to make this day special. We do not want to alienate her and then she feels ganged up on or that we are out to ruin her wedding. But, even with that said, it doesn’t make the situation any easier. Hopefully, he does become the man that deserves her. Nothing would make me happier. I hope they are able to work through issues and become a strong couple. @erinlin25, you are right, I cannot judge the situation or predict the future. I can only hope for the best. I just want her to be happy and respected and loved and cherished and treated like she deserves to be treated.

erinlin25

of course you want the best for your friend Sounds like you are good friend for worrying about her. I know it sucks and hope it all works out for the best.